"Be a Chooser not a Chaser!"

[zengirl]

I'm curious about how you (male and female) feel about MEN having this attitude of that of a CHOOSER instead of that as a CHASER.

 

I think both of those titles sound fairly superficial. Nothing wrong with not wanting to be a sole chaser (both people should participate in the building of a R) and I think having a single-minded desire to chase is off but wanting to sit back and be the chooser is no good either, for either gender. I always wanted a man who wanted to find love, was willing to work for it, but expected it to be mutual. That is somewhere in between these mindsets.

 

The idea is to

 

(a) develop yourself such as your character, social skills, talents, and so on

 

(b) put yourself in front of enough women so you are going on enough dates already

 

None of these are a bad idea when single, however. A is absolutely paramount.

 

so that women find you attractive enough so that when you are dating them, you don't have to work too hard to keep them interested. You can CHOOSE whom you want to be with instead of having to CHASE the few whom you can get interested in you.

 

When you feel affinity with someone, no one has to work too hard --- it's a very natural flow. The whole idea is to be ready for that person, by doing A, and meet that person by doing B, so I get what you're saying, but I think it's slightly off.

 

Like attracts like. To a large extent that also applies to people making dating choices. People who reduce others' to a set of characteristics should not be surprised if these others do the same to them.

 

Absolutely, love is about so much more than characteristics.

[Necromancer]

But for some women these things aren't enough. For some women the chase is more important because it shows what kind of guy they are and their attitude.

 

If a guy is perfect but doesn't chase a girl, there a lots of girls out there who wouldn't be interested because he isn't putting in the effort.

 

If there is a perfect guy and an average joe, the woman is more likely to go for the average joe who actually tries to be romantic etc etc than the "simply great" guy who thinks he is entitled because he is charming.

 

Again, depends on the woman, but coming from me, I wouldn't date a guy who didn't try to chase me. He could settle for the next girl who could also be lovely, but what really makes me interested is when a man chases. It's sexy (well, if you're interested in him anyway) and he would know it if you reciprocate properly.

 

No man chases forever if he knows you're not interested. If you are interested, then him chasing you down is a turn on instead of a guy like the one you are describing, a learnt charmer who doesn't want to work as hard.

 

I prefer the guy who puts in the extra effort. At least that way I know he actually wants me, isn't settling and won't run off to the next girl he sees. If after all the chasing he still hasn't done that, then I know his intentions are genuine which makes him even more sexy.

 

All the girls i see, want a guy that they can´t have.

 

Average joe is a worthless trash for them and is only taken advantage of.

 

I hear all the time from girls: "A guy has to earn sex from me" then they jump in bed in 0.1 with some pretty boy.

 

I am not saying ALL girls are like that but this is MY experience.

[EasyHeart]

I think we have to distinguish between "chasing" and "pursuing".

 

I think a proper reading of the OP is "Make yourself desirable so that women will want to date you", which I think is pretty uncontroversial. But if you're reading it as saying, "All I need to do is sit back and wait for the women to come streaming at me", you're going to be alone for a long time. Men still need to be the initiators and pursue the women they're interested in.

 

The difference between pursuing and chasing is that pursuing means you've got a good product to sell, so you can let the product sell itself. Chasing means that you're desperately trying to sell a crappy product than no one wants, so you inevitably fall into using high-pressure sales tactics. Women can sense when someone is desperate to sell themselves in the same way that we can all tell when a car salesman is trying to sell us a lemon.

[ThaWholigan]

I think we have to distinguish between "chasing" and "pursuing".

 

I think a proper reading of the OP is "Make yourself desirable so that women will want to date you", which I think is pretty uncontroversial. But if you're reading it as saying, "All I need to do is sit back and wait for the women to come streaming at me", you're going to be alone for a long time. Men still need to be the initiators and pursue the women they're interested in.

 

The difference between pursuing and chasing is that pursuing means you've got a good product to sell, so you can let the product sell itself. Chasing means that you're desperately trying to sell a crappy product than no one wants, so you inevitably fall into using high-pressure sales tactics. Women can sense when someone is desperate to sell themselves in the same way that we can all tell when a car salesman is trying to sell us a lemon.

EasyHeart just broke it down

[zengirl]

I think we have to distinguish between "chasing" and "pursuing".

 

I think a proper reading of the OP is "Make yourself desirable so that women will want to date you", which I think is pretty uncontroversial. But if you're reading it as saying, "All I need to do is sit back and wait for the women to come streaming at me", you're going to be alone for a long time. Men still need to be the initiators and pursue the women they're interested in.

 

The difference between pursuing and chasing is that pursuing means you've got a good product to sell, so you can let the product sell itself. Chasing means that you're desperately trying to sell a crappy product than no one wants, so you inevitably fall into using high-pressure sales tactics. Women can sense when someone is desperate to sell themselves in the same way that we can all tell when a car salesman is trying to sell us a lemon.

 

True. Though I would say that the women who do best, except those perhaps blessed with modelesque looks and other perfect qualities, also pursue in their own way. It just looks different. Only desperate men and women chase, as you say.

[WonderKid]

I never really chased women. I don't leave them hanging and all but if she shows that she isn't interested and plays games I just would leave her alone really. I like women who actually "go after" what they want instead of sitting and waiting for some validation.

[ariadne999]

All the girls i see, want a guy that they can´t have.

 

Average joe is a worthless trash for them and is only taken advantage of.

 

I hear all the time from girls: "A guy has to earn sex from me" then they jump in bed in 0.1 with some pretty boy.

 

I am not saying ALL girls are like that but this is MY experience.

 

 

all the guys I see, want a girl they can't have.

 

the plain jane girl next door is just used for sex for them.

 

They won't taker her out, or make her feel special, just use her for sex while verbally abusing her.

 

 

I hear all the time from guys: "A woman has to earn respect and love from me" then they treat a hot girl who will never sleep with them to a streak dinner then go bang their FWB and cry about how "hot girls don't like them"

 

 

 

Not all men are like that, just the ones I meet.

[somedude81]

I really do not understand how I can be a chooser at all. The very fact that dating for men is a numbers game, means that there is no choosing. It's stupid to actually like a girl. All a guy can do is go after every woman that doesn't disgust him.

 

the plain jane girl next door is just used for sex for them.

 

They won't taker her out, or make her feel special

Tried that already, but she didn't want me because I wasn't good enough for her.

[somedude81]

then she was out of your league chump...

 

 

actually I think you're problem is needing a white girl. You're in SOCAL aren't you?

 

So am I and I think 80% of the people I meet are non white.

 

you're cutting out a big part of your dating pool by being racist (nothing to do with up size)

No, she wasn't out of my league. A even made a thread showing a picture of us together and only about two people out of 30 said she looked better than me. Everybody else said we looked like a great couple. And I didn't ask if we looked like a couple, just if she was out of my league.

 

What's wrong with wanting a girl to be the same race I am? How the hell am I racist because of that?

 

BTW, I've also been rejected by, Mexican, black, Chinese, Korean, and Japanese girls.

[Imajerk17]

No, she wasn't out of my league. A even made a thread showing a picture of us together and only about two people out of 30 said she looked better than me. Everybody else said we looked like a great couple. And I didn't ask if we looked like a couple, just if she was out of my league.

 

What's wrong with wanting a girl to be the same race I am? How the hell am I racist because of that?

 

BTW, I've also been rejected by, Mexican, black, Chinese, Korean, and Japanese girls.

 

No it's not your looks. Your problem is that you whine a lot though...

[somedude81]

No it's not your looks. Your problem is that you whine a lot though...

Do you think I whine to people IRL as in not online?

 

BTW, I'm only average looking and short. It's extremely likely that those things affect whether or not women are physically attracted to me.

[jobaba]

I'm curious about how you (male and female) feel about MEN having this attitude of that of a CHOOSER instead of that as a CHASER.

 

The idea is to

 

(a) develop yourself such as your character, social skills, talents, and so on

 

(b) put yourself in front of enough women so you are going on enough dates already

 

so that women find you attractive enough so that when you are dating them, you don't have to work too hard to keep them interested. You can CHOOSE whom you want to be with instead of having to CHASE the few whom you can get interested in you.

 

By "work too hard" I'm referring to doing things such as spending too much money, putting up with flakiness, and so on, and NOT being romantic from time to time.

 

To be perfectly honest, a lot of guys do have a lot of options, I mean from like high school on. They have girls telling them they're cute, hitting on them, and asking them out. They are truly CHOOSERS.

 

If you're not one of those guys and would like to be, it's going to take some work definitely.

[Feelsgoodman]

I'm curious about how you (male and female) feel about MEN having this attitude of that of a CHOOSER instead of that as a CHASER.

 

The idea is to

 

(a) develop yourself such as your character, social skills, talents, and so on

 

(b) put yourself in front of enough women so you are going on enough dates already

 

so that women find you attractive enough so that when you are dating them, you don't have to work too hard to keep them interested. You can CHOOSE whom you want to be with instead of having to CHASE the few whom you can get interested in you.

 

By "work too hard" I'm referring to doing things such as spending too much money, putting up with flakiness, and so on, and NOT being romantic from time to time.

You are essentially describing the behavior pattern of an alpha male. Modern "PUA" and similar theories try to paint the "alpha" as someone who approaches hundreds of women and plays the numbers game. Yet, how many desirable men (i.e. celebrities, athletes, successful businessmen, lawyers, doctors, etc.) hang out at malls and book stores hitting on chicks?

 

Not working too hard to get female attention is an absolutely essential characteristic of an alpha male. An Alpha male is, by definition, a leader and leaders don't chase after their followers. "Chasing" girls is typical beta male behavior.

[Feelsgoodman]

Imajerk17 is right.

 

Essentially, there are three keys to making your dreams come true. And they are as follows:

 

1) Decide upon your object of desire (person, thing, location, etc.)

 

2) Believe with all your heart that it too can happen to you.

 

3) Go all the way, take the risk. All you have is you.

 

Three things to happiness. That's all it is.

This is the exact opposite of what the OP is suggesting...

[Feelsgoodman]

If a guy is perfect but doesn't chase a girl, there a lots of girls out there who wouldn't be interested because he isn't putting in the effort.

Such girls do exist, but they are rarely worth the effort of "chasing". Most of the time, they end up attracting men who are not interested in long-term relationships and then complain about being used for sex...

[Woggle]

I never really chased women. I don't leave them hanging and all but if she shows that she isn't interested and plays games I just would leave her alone really. I like women who actually "go after" what they want instead of sitting and waiting for some validation.

 

I agree 100%. I don't play games with women but if they start the games I am out of there quick and they don't get another chance. That is how I operated when I was single.

[RedRobin]

I never 'chase' men, and I certainly would never knowingly engage in any kind of cat-fight or competition for one. I do believe more women should initiate though. I've done that before.

 

As far as being the chooser vs the chaser. I think we are all obliged to objectively take stock of what we have to offer someone in a relationship, then 'choose' those whom can appreciate those qualities.

 

'Chasing' after someone sounds like something done more out of desperation.

 

To me, dating is alot like a job interview, in that when a company seeks to hire me, I'm seeking to see if we are a good fit. I've never gone into a relationship or a job thinking "I just gotta have this (fill in the blank)".

 

If it isn't fully mutual on both sides, it won't work.

 

That said, I have three dating options on the table today. Three men I talked to over the course of the last week who asked for my number. One called over the weekend while I was on a date with the first guy.

 

Since I don't multi-date, I'm at a bit of an impasse. In this circumstance, I think the only way to go might be first-come, first-served.... we'll see...

[jobaba]

then she was out of your league chump...

 

 

actually I think you're problem is needing a white girl. You're in SOCAL aren't you?

 

So am I and I think 80% of the people I meet are non white.

 

you're cutting out a big part of your dating pool by being racist (nothing to do with up size)

 

No, she wasn't out of my league. A even made a thread showing a picture of us together and only about two people out of 30 said she looked better than me. Everybody else said we looked like a great couple. And I didn't ask if we looked like a couple, just if she was out of my league.

 

What's wrong with wanting a girl to be the same race I am? How the hell am I racist because of that?

 

BTW, I've also been rejected by, Mexican, black, Chinese, Korean, and Japanese girls.

 

LOL @ league. Do you know how many times I've been talking to a woman who could have been my sister and she's like looking around the room deciding which hot guy she should be chasing instead? Lots.

 

League is a mentality. Some women who are at your physical looks or even below will think they are way better than you just because they've HAD better. Then, some women who are better looking than you will think you are just a guy, no league.

[Necromancer]

all the guys I see, want a girl they can't have.

 

the plain jane girl next door is just used for sex for them.

 

They won't taker her out, or make her feel special, just use her for sex while verbally abusing her.

 

 

I hear all the time from guys: "A woman has to earn respect and love from me" then they treat a hot girl who will never sleep with them to a streak dinner then go bang their FWB and cry about how "hot girls don't like them"

 

 

 

Not all men are like that, just the ones I meet.

 

Girls choose to open their legs for the guys and mostly they aim for guys who are way above their league, then they whine about why they won't commit.

 

"A girl getting used for sex and whining about why he won´t commit, is the same as a guy whining about being in the Friend-zone." Both need a backbone.

 

I will only make a girl feel special if she deserves it.

 

If i treat her like a princess, i want to be treated like a king. (sounds fair?)

 

Good looking people get treated better by society.

 

It sounds like you only know defective copy of men.

[Joaquin]

I'm curious about how you (male and female) feel about MEN having this attitude of that of a CHOOSER instead of that as a CHASER.

 

The idea is to

 

(a) develop yourself such as your character, social skills, talents, and so on

 

(b) put yourself in front of enough women so you are going on enough dates already

 

so that women find you attractive enough so that when you are dating them, you don't have to work too hard to keep them interested. You can CHOOSE whom you want to be with instead of having to CHASE the few whom you can get interested in you.

 

By "work too hard" I'm referring to doing things such as spending too much money, putting up with flakiness, and so on, and NOT being romantic from time to time.

 

It's amazing how many different ways there are to say the same old tosh.

 

This actually reads like when you have loads of woman you will have loads woman.

 

Chooser, chaser, whatever.

 

You try and get the very best you can with what you have.

 

Thats all you can do. That's all anyone does.

Edited June 11, 2012 by Joaquin