So Lost in Pain.

[Brit]

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Edited June 10, 2012 by Brit

[CopingGal]

Sorry. I still hurt...a lot, but I am no longer lost in pain. I never thought I would stop hurting the way I did. I will tell you...it does get better. It just takes time. Try to fill up your time with things to do. Try reading self help book. These things will help the pain lessen.

[Brit]

Hi, thanks, I wish it was that easy, and at times feel like this will happen. I am not codependent, I am okay with myself, nice and pleasant with others, but I cannot function daily with the emotional pain. I function barely, forced when needed, with work, obligations, duties, barely, drains me. I have lost hair in half dollar quarter sizes in several places from stress? and it is not coming back....

My body feels like it cannot take anymore pain....i am not in control of it, it just washes over me constantly.....i try to hide this, i never tell anyone this, because I am private, and you cannot trust others to understand, and in reality no one really cares....they would think it was for attention, or a pity party...my therapist just sugar coats everything.

I feel like I need to go somewhere for in-patient therapy for a few years, and after, moving far away and starting over would be the solution for recovery and living again.

But my whole existence is soley to make others happy, I have no chance legally and family wise to make decisions necessary to heal myself. No one cares about how I am doing, they only care to call make sure I am still breathing so they can have life as they wish.

I now just answer the phone with automatic responses, yesh, I did this, yes i did that, because they are not calling in concern for, "me," but in concern that I am still breathing and doing the things to make their lives as they wish it to be.......very difficult to explain.

[CopingGal]

Hi, thanks, I wish it was that easy, and at times feel like this will happen. I am not codependent, I am okay with myself, nice and pleasant with others, but I cannot function daily with the emotional pain. I function barely, forced when needed, with work, obligations, duties, barely, drains me. I have lost hair in half dollar quarter sizes in several places from stress? and it is not coming back....

My body feels like it cannot take anymore pain....i am not in control of it, it just washes over me constantly.....i try to hide this, i never tell anyone this, because I am private, and you cannot trust others to understand, and in reality no one really cares....they would think it was for attention, or a pity party...my therapist just sugar coats everything.

I feel like I need to go somewhere for in-patient therapy for a few years, and after, moving far away and starting over would be the solution for recovery and living again.

But my whole existence is soley to make others happy, I have no chance legally and family wise to make decisions necessary to heal myself. No one cares about how I am doing, they only care to call make sure I am still breathing so they can have life as they wish.

I now just answer the phone with automatic responses, yesh, I did this, yes i did that, because they are not calling in concern for, "me," but in concern that I am still breathing and doing the things to make their lives as they wish it to be.......very difficult to explain.

 

Actually, I know it's not easy. It's very painful, but I think you can try taking some baby steps to help yourself. Do you know how to do square deep breathing? That is something simple that can help.

[Brit]

Thanks, it is not that simple, it is really bad. I am going to ask my therapist if it is realistic to commit myself for a few years. I think it may be possible, if I actually am able to be completely honest with him, and not hold back, which I normally do.

I was never really open to him again, because he takes things so lightly and brushes them off. For privacy, i will leave out details, but i let him know that I cannot know or be around a certain thing, or my mind will hold onto it, and an overwhelming magnetic draw, will nag at me constantly, I am even afraid to sleep, because I feel the intensity so overwhelming, I may do it in my sleep, and he brushed it off and made everything seem so happy and light.

I will take your sweet advice though, and look up the breathing pattern:)

[CopingGal]

Brit- here's how you square breathing.

 

1) Breathe in through your nose. Count slowly to 4 while you do it.

 

2) Then hold your breath counting slowly to 4 while you do that.

 

3) Breathe out through your mouth counting slowly to 4 while you do it.

 

4) After you let your breath out, hold your breath. Don't breathe in just yet. Just breathe out (see no. 3) and then hold it while counting slowly to 4.

 

Start all over again. Try to do this for three minutes.

 

Then after that, for one minute do the following:

 

Bring in through your nose slowly and then breathe out through your mouth slowly.

[turnera]

Thanks, it is not that simple, it is really bad. I am going to ask my therapist if it is realistic to commit myself for a few years. I think it may be possible, if I actually am able to be completely honest with him, and not hold back, which I normally do.

I was never really open to him again, because he takes things so lightly and brushes them off. For privacy, i will leave out details, but i let him know that I cannot know or be around a certain thing, or my mind will hold onto it, and an overwhelming magnetic draw, will nag at me constantly, I am even afraid to sleep, because I feel the intensity so overwhelming, I may do it in my sleep, and he brushed it off and made everything seem so happy and light.

I will take your sweet advice though, and look up the breathing pattern:)

Are you talking about your therapist brushing it off, or your partner?

[spiderowl]

It is really hard to help without knowing more. Can you elaborate a little?

[Brit]

Not much too elaborate......life sucks. I have given up....used to have so much gust....drive, that it would get better, I have pills and avoidance which really helps. May not be for others, but it is better than dying.

[turnera]

What's your story?

[spiderowl]

You do sound very depressed about something. Could you change your therapist because it doesn't sound as if they are taking your feelings seriously? I get the impression there are some things you'd like to talk to them about and they are treating them lightly (probably unwittingly). You could tell your story here as it's pretty anonymous and there are some helpful posters who may be able to understand.

[Brit]

Thanks for the follow ups, not in a great place, so difficult to talk ATM. It is really bad and difficult to talk about directly.

[turnera]

We're invisible people you'll never meet. If not us, then who?

[Brit]

We're invisible people you'll never meet. If not us, then who?

 

It is not you, LS, strangers, friends, my state has evolved into pathetic. I am sick of myself at this point, and my inability to cope efficiently. In a bad place, and it is pathetic...to the point I cannot comprehend WTH is wrong with me, why the brutal pain keeps knocking me over literally into non function. I am tired of being this way.

[turnera]

who have you called? Hotline? Hospital?

[Brit]

who have you called? Hotline? Hospital?

 

who have you called? Hotline? Hospital?

 

No, right now I am coping or hiding, not even sure what it is, by staying literally in one place, my home, not leaving, this is my comfort, but is not comforting at all. I do not want to see anyone or engage with any one. I make an appearance here or there when I have to, as not to alarm anyone, and at times feel, I got out, this is good, but, go back to this same state. WTF is wrong with me? I have obligations, responsibilities....I have one can of mushroom soup, a half carton of Orange Juice, and several Boxes of dry noodles. I have the cash to buy groceries, but have no life in me to go anywhere for days at a time if I can get away with it.

I get knocked to my knees with crushing emotional pain, knocks the life out of me.

I never let FOO issues, ever in life get me down, when I was younger I was such a fighter, so strong. Everyone now who looks from the outside always unfairly conceeds I have everything going for me.

I went through alot when I was younger, abandonment, not TMI, but a parent who left me in several instances with broken bones, a half almost cracked skull, gash well to the bone but not quit enough force to crack it, was ver bloody, remeber it well, but their quick thinking outlandish excuses were always bought until, one day the marks were so bad, there was no excuse, and I was taken away. Abandoned. But all and all ended up having family for me, to help me. In the back of my heart, I always remembered when young, I always felt sorry for my abuser, wanted them to feel better when they were crying and upset about it. I now think and see that this was my mistake, with others growing up, I would see they were bad news, know it, but somehow, wished to help them, like I did when I was younger.

I grew up feeling stronger from going through this, let it slip my mind, never felt it caused me any issues.

But, because of now with all different circumstance and things coming to a weird 6 degrees of seperation lately, slowly my becoming unglued, and my usual stance of jumping up and progressing, has been disabled. Antidepressants, none have helped, my therapist (never told him about my childhood, I like to keep that to myself) says I do not have any chemical imbalance,that what I am experinceing are stages of grief, and he seems to perplexed as me as to how to treat it.

I keep looping through all the stages and pain is where I keep coming to. It is getting pathetic and embarrassing. I do not want people seeing me this way. I sob deeply all the time, sometimes all day....everyday, sometimes I am just walking to get a glass of water and wham it strikes.

I may go to this lady, I saw before, a life coach, she was good, not a psch, but a life coach, spiritual. Maybe she can get me going again, like at a marathon, blow of the gun, and off I sprint.

I have great family now, I know I have to be strong and get through this, but I am not. What is wrong?

It does feel good speaking of this here, because I am not comfortable speaking about it to anyone even the therapist, I get in there, and block up.

[turnera]

Brit, how can your therapist help if you keep the one most vital piece of information - the abuse - from him? He will be giving you BAD - WRONG - information. It's no wonder you're not getting the help you need. Trust me, I know it's not easy.

 

But you can't stay in this state for another 20, 40, 50 years, can you? If nothing else, you'll starve to death, lol.

 

I'm sure you know you're in a deep depression, right? And that it never goes away, whatever pain that caused it, it's just buried and pops up at the worst times. Like now!

 

Whoever you go to, IC or life coach, make sure they know the right information - abuse and depression - so they can help you reach happiness.

[Brit]

I might go with the life coach. I might be able to open up with her. I think I may need to as a last reserve. No other choice.

I need to start correcting my outlook. Your post has helped, odd, but it has.

I do not want anyone I know to know, I do not want sympathy, or that type of invasion of privacy.

Maybe I need to go back to when I was so young, and resurface memories, in order to have another explain them to me, possibly in a way I have never thought to do so. I have usually just brushed the thoughts so deep, and have simplified them, into little meaning, meaning no effect on me. I never wanted to have them as a crutch, and excuse for my mistakes.

But have been thinking deeply today, and believe maybe conquering them may set me free. Do not remember clearly why they removed me from playground, and peeled my clothes off, but remember slightly just muffles, from what I was told later, not an area of my body unmarked, not sure, but know I was gone/taken, then in a room (kid you not), with toys and and strange people watching me through a glass.

Although lucky to have such a great family now.

I never had the experiences of others, prom, high school dances. I tried with urging of family to try it, I really could not understand or get my peers, they seemed so young to me, alien. So I left. Gave it 2 chances. Went to alternative, was smart, and got my degree.

I seemed to have made so many wrong choices later in life, was much smarter earlier in life, like a dumbing, a regression, rather then progression. Weird. I have experienced love/great friendship, and they had problems, but the problems were within themself, they were not toward others, a great person, one of the greatest humans I have ever had the experience of knowing. I was a positive influence to there problems, and them to mine, a fine wine.

My mistake later in life was, ending up in the wrong relationships, because their problems were not toward themselves, but manufactured there dysfunction onto others, meaning, they were broken, and not great people, there was no fixing them.

I really need to work on some things....Thanx:)

[turnera]

Brit, I see SO many different places in your life that you can make changes and make a difference, for you and for others.

 

As for the past, just wow. Even the SLIGHTEST memory can alter your life completely. Imagine how much effect the utter abuse you suffered can do.

 

My friend, she remembers her mom telling her, as a child, 'if you don't behave I'm going to take you back and get a different little girl.' It terrorized my friend for life and she turned into a robot, Pleaser, never taking care of her own needs, for fear of being abandoned. (her mom didn't even remember saying it) Just that one sentence!

 

I remember being in a bathtub with my dad when I was about 10. Just that. I see the bathtub. But you know there was more.

 

Our brains are amazing. They forget nothing. They translate everything. Often poorly. Please do see the life coach, and tell her what you know about your past; ask her for advice. I'm sure she can at least get you started.

 

Have you done much reading? There is SO much out there to learn about how we process what happened in our childhood and how it's now manifesting itself - exactly into the kinds of things you're now feeling. Knowledge may not heal you but it will surely HELP you understand what you feel and why. And that alone may help you feel like doing more.

 

Let us know how it goes!

[Brit]

This exchange has helped. I am sick of being emancipated from life. I am so worn out from gut wrenched sobbing, several times a day, once if lucky, that has a life of it's own, for soooooooooooooo long, how much can a body take, my ribs and stomach are chronically sore from it. My body is so weakened by this. I believe talking to a spiritual woman may hopefully help.

[turnera]

Speaking of spirituality, what about you and God?

[Brit]

Your messages have helped today. I stay away from topics of religion or politics. I am weary, my only peace is sleeping, naps, now my darn sleeping meds are not working, up to 4 mg, and cannnot relax enough to sleep, the feeling of flu like aches when I cannot rest. I hate this. I want to be well again:(

[turnera]

Are you going on walks?

[Brit]

I used to be so active, lively, full of life, have not been active for almost a year, I have been barely able to move. I have stopped lying to myself that I will do better tommorrow. I am hoping to get better. A cocktail is helping right this moment, but I am good with it, no overdoing because of my pills. But, at least I am managing and have self control.

I really do need to get off my *ss:( I am very depressed. I know I need to change, and only I can do it, wish my body would listen.

[spiderowl]

I know you've tried antidepressants and say they haven't helped but some can and a bit. The trouble with depression is you forget that they can elevate mood and be better than where you are now. I speak as someone who knows and is currently taking a small dose of one. I didn't take them for months and felt awful (there were plenty of good reasons why I should have felt awful). The anti-depressants have helped a bit, counselling has helped a lot.

 

In fact, in counselling we are touching on some things I had shoved to the back of my mind as things there was no point going over. I hadn't talked to anyone about them and yet these things hurt me every day in little ways. Those little ways, hurts, and the mental energy it takes to cope with keeping them at bay and keeping the history at the back of one's mind not front really does take it out of you. This is why I suggest you try to find a better therapist (maybe the coach you said if you feel more optimistic about her) and you do talk about the bad things that happened. It is costing you in terms of energy and happiness to keep all that down. Someone else could help you review it and deal with the emotions that are sitting there and pulling you down.

 

There is hope, as I've found. One simply doesn't realise how hard it is to cope with old hurts. We think we should just move on as there is nothing to be done but they are still there, hurting, draining. Now is the time to talk about it with someone experienced in helping people with a history of abuse and trauma. Please ask your doc for a referral to a specialist in this area or contact an abuse helpline. I think you've been working round this for a long time and deserve some support now.