15 years together and he leaves me for another woman

[fmatuszek]

Here's my story...my ex and I were together for 15 years. We started dating when I was just 16 years old. We have 3 children together, 13, 5 and 4. We have gone through a lot together and I can admit, we didn't have the greatest of relationships. We had a lot of trust issues (mainly me not trusting him) and fought a lot.

 

 

Because of the fighting, he got his own apartment and moved out this past March. We were supposedly going to "work on things". He would still stay overnight here all the time and we still acted like a couple...he just would be at his place during the day (since he worked from home) and then would come here at night to be with the kids and me. Then he started staying here a little less and a little less. Or, he would come over, stay until 8:30, leave and turn his phone off and then call at like 11:30 saying he was at his buddy's house. (Come to find out, he was right down the road from me at her place.) And, his absence started making me miss him more - like really miss him. And, it gave me time to think about what our issues were and what I could do to try and make it better from my end.

 

I was ready to try and give it another shot when he all of a sudden tells me he loves me as my children's mother but isn't in love with me any longer. I was shocked, to say the least because I finally, for once, truly figured out what was wrong with our relationship and was ready to put my 110% into it. But, we set up a visitation schedule for the kids and were still trying to get along. The first weekend he had the kids, he of course would be texting me while I was out with my friends, telling me to have a great date and blah blah. If he didn't want to be with me, then why the texts? Well, to my astonishment, the Monday following my children's weekend with their father, they proceeded to inform me about "daddy's pretty girlfriend" (my 13 year old didn't go to his place).

 

 

Then, they quickly corrected themselves saying it wasn't daddy's girlfriend...but they did kiss. Needless to say, I was livid. I ended up finding this woman's phone number and called her and she confirmed that she was in a relationship with him but wouldn't say anything else. I called him and he said he didn't care that I knew. I was so mad that he would take my kids over there when they weren't even used to mommy and daddy not being together. Then, to top it off, I found out that this woman is a convicted felon, thief, and druggy...she has been to jail 3 times in the past 1.5 years, with the last trip being just 3 months ago. She also tried getting with 9 other people that we know just weeks prior to their relationship. And by people we know, I mean his cousins and friends. Really? This is who he wants to bring my children around?

 

We agreed that she wouldn't see them again for at least 3 months, but then last weekend, out of spite, he brought them over to her house again. Just because I was out trying to keep my mind off of everything. I told him he has 1 more chance to abide by the agreement we came to together, and if he blows it, I will be taking this all to court. I'm looking out for their well-being and trying to protect them. I'm just so confused about all of this.

 

 

Then, to top it off, he still will call just to talk about things going on in his life. He will still stop over to just "hang out" and helps himself around my kitchen, the bathroom, etc. And of course, because this just happened, for some reason, I want him to be here and to call me. I know I need to cut off ties in order to move on, but it is just so hard. I have realized that he was my best friend - I would tell him everything that was happening and to all of a sudden not to have that anymore seems so weird.

 

 

I have tried to be strong and told him I need him to just contact me via text message about the kids and the kids only and that he can't just come over here because the feelings I have are still so strong and it hurts too much. He tells me that he is trying to understand that. But then will text me a half and hour later asking for some leftovers!?!? And then, spends the next morning here when he came to bring the kids home - hung out here until he left to go out of town, like 5.5 hours. Why?!?!?!?

He is supposedly in love though with this new woman and they are talking marriage, etc. (Which, I don't understand how someone can jump from a 15 year relationship, into a new one and already be heading down that road when they have been dating for what, 3 weeks?) But, if that is the case, then why is he still coming around here?

 

 

I know I have not handled the break-up the correct way - as in, I begged (I know, I can't believe I did that) him to come back to me, I cried, I kept calling him, texting him...everything you aren't supposed to do. I just couldn't accept the fact that I was losing my family. I didn't have 3 children and become a stay-at-home mom to do it by myself. Now, being in week 3, I have toned down that behavior, but have sent drunk texts (which I know is another no-no) and still have this horrible sadness about everything. I just want my family back and want my life back.

Any thoughts from anyone would be greatly appreciated because I am so sick of feeling so sad and having him consume my mind all day long. And I apologize for my thoughts being all over the place.

Edited June 11, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[BetrayedH]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I honestly think there's nothing worse.

 

I had 19 years with my wife and discovered her in a 13-month affair. I was devastated. That was just over a year ago now. I lost 38 lbs and my mind several times over. We have two small children and I deaperately tried to be the superhero that saved the family. Shortsighted. I started to get some peace when I accepted that divorce was going to happen and I began to look forward to another life. But to be honest, that was 6 months ago and I'm still a broken man. Take care of yourself.

[Spark1111]

you need to wish him well with his new girlfriend, change the locks of your home, and see a lawyer. Tell him you too deserve love with an honorable man, one who treats you like a queen and won't cheat on you.

 

Please research how to execute a 180 in a relationship where one partner has left to be with another. Then do it.

 

Your only conversations should be about the kids. Keep it short and to the point. Go out, have fun with friends and tell him your life is not really any of his business since his secret life was not made known to you.

 

Ignore his texts and calls unless child related. Do not make yourself available for chats, snacks, or lounging around. Grow a backbone. Get support. Get busy focusing on you.

 

You have to take a stand here, a forceful one, otherwise he will flip-flop between you and his new squeeze for years. He will seek the comfort and stability of homelife when he needs it, and the excitement of a new romance with her when the mood so strikes.

 

Define what YOU want in a marriage and a relationship. Kick him off HIS fence. Do not engage in arguments about his actions or his OW.

 

Be firm, direct, and unavailable.

 

I know you love him, want to understand him, have patience with him, and argue your points with him, but that is what a rational person would do.

 

A MM having an affair with a felon, is NOT exactly in his right mind, right?

 

A MM, trying to punish you by bringing his kids to her home, is acting like a rebellious teenager, right?

 

You react like the (his?) mean mommy and that allows the halo to sit on her head, while the devil horn sits on her's.

 

Start researching triangle relationships, affairs, infidelity.

 

Good luck to you.

[Spark1111]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I honestly think there's nothing worse.

 

I had 19 years with my wife and discovered her in a 13-month affair. I was devastated. That was just over a year ago now. I lost 38 lbs and my mind several times over. We have two small children and I deaperately tried to be the superhero that saved the family. Shortsighted. I started to get some peace when I accepted that divorce was going to happen and I began to look forward to another life. But to be honest, that was 6 months ago and I'm still a broken man. Take care of yourself.

 

Start your own thread?

 

Maybe we can help you?

[turnera]

you need to wish him well with his new girlfriend, change the locks of your home, and see a lawyer. Tell him you too deserve love with an honorable man, one who treats you like a queen and won't cheat on you.

This is all you need to know.

 

Well, that and hiring a lawyer TODAY to write up a restraining order stating that if YOUR kids ever come in contact with that woman again without your permission, you will be seeing him on the opposite tables in court.

[BetrayedH]

Start your own thread?

 

Maybe we can help you?

 

Thanks Spark. I was just trying to be a sympathetic ear but ended up short on advice. "Take care of yourself" is all I had to offer. As for me, I'm waiting out my 2-5 year sentence; there's not much more to talk about.

[Janesays]

This is all you need to know.

 

Well, that and hiring a lawyer TODAY to write up a restraining order stating that if YOUR kids ever come in contact with that woman again without your permission, you will be seeing him on the opposite tables in court.

 

Yeah and you'd be looking like an idiot in court. Judges don't care that you're jealous of the new woman. It's his RIGHT to introduce his children to anyone he deems is important to him/them. That woman can end up those kid's step mother one day!

 

The only way the judges are going to accept the children not being around the new girlfriend is if the OP can PROOF that she has put HER CHILDREN in DIRECT DANGER. "Waaahh, she's pretty and her past is kinda sketchy!" isn't going to hold up in court.

 

Better to advice the OP to move on happily than put her children in the middle of her soon to be ex and his new woman. Rather than obsessing about his new girl, she should be working on putting her life back together in such a way that she'll be able to have her own new relationship.

[Janesays]

Specified time frame does not equal forever in any state. The only thing she'll accomplish is delaying the inevitable while putting her children in the middle, sowing discord, and hurting the children more than any 'pretty girlfriend' could possible do.

[Spark1111]

Specified time frame does not equal forever in any state. The only thing she'll accomplish is delaying the inevitable while putting her children in the middle, sowing discord, and hurting the children more than any 'pretty girlfriend' could possible do.

 

nah, her H is already doing that....delaying the inevitable, putting the children in the middle, sowing discord and hurting his wife and family. He hooks up with his gf...then strolls over for pleasant conversation with his wife and some quiet family time.

 

He is delaying the inevitable because he wants BOTH; a caring wife and family, and a mistress he visits occasionally on the side.

[turnera]

Specified time frame does not equal forever in any state. The only thing she'll accomplish is delaying the inevitable while putting her children in the middle, sowing discord, and hurting the children more than any 'pretty girlfriend' could possible do.

Two things: One, this woman is highly unlikely to still be in his life in another year or two, so by then, it will have done the job of protecting her kids from harm. Two, in another year or two, the kids will have adjusted MUCH better to the change and will not have to deal with having an additional wrench in the works while trying to adjust, in the form of an unstable addicted woman replacing their mother. In another year or two, they'll figure out the lay of the land and be able to roll with the punches.