Found my biological father's email; afraid to click "send"

[Hibou]

I'm 28 now, and I was adopted at birth in a private adoption. My birth mom (b-mom) was 19, married to an abuser, and was pregnant by a friend of her husband's. Let's call him George. George is my biological father. My b-mom lied to him and said that the baby was her husband's, and that she was going to have an abortion. She even scheduled a fake appointment and pretended to go to it. Then, she left George and went back to her husband. George has no idea that I exist.

 

After I found out I was adopted (at 18 - yeah, my parents suck sometimes) I found my b-mom's address and contacted her. She sent me the whole story surrounding my conception and adoption, including what information she remembered about George. I met her a couple of years later, and send her occasional updates on my life. I think she wants more of a relationship with me, but I'm not quite ready to go meet the family. I think I will get there eventually, though. I'm really glad I know her, and she's really glad she knows me.

 

I've never been incredibly curious about my b-dad. My b-mom didn't say much about his personality, but didn't paint him as such a nice guy, and I have a really good relationship with my real Dad. The other day I was bored and messing around on ancestry.com, and wondered how much I could dig up on him. 6 hours of hardcore internet searching later, I found him!

 

It's so crazy how much we look alike! We seem to have a lot in common, too. He's a musician just like I am. I also know that he has a daughter of his own, and she's the spitting image of me. I know this because I found her blog - younger people have a much stronger online presence. We have so much in common! She even wants to go into the field I work in now. It's seriously like reading my own blog from when I was that age.

 

Obviously, though, he may not be thrilled with me contacting him, and even if he is happy to hear from me, I seriously doubt he's going to be like "hey, feel free to contact my 15-year-old daughter!" I wouldn't blame him for that in the slightest - what parent wouldn't want to protect their child? I certainly wouldn't ever contact her without his permission. So, I now know I have this sister that seems like someone I'd actually want to be friends/sisters with, and it's likely that I won't ever get to meet her. That is far more upsetting to me than his rejection alone. I have a great Dad, but I have never had a sibling, you know? I'd be such an awesome big sister! I wish I had never found her blog.

 

I didn't hesitate to contact my b-mom because I got the impression that she had REALLY not wanted to give me up. It's different with George, though. He doesn't know I exist. What is he gaining from this? On the flip side, though, what is he losing?

 

I get the impression from the stories and music he's written that he's a pretty nice/sensitive person. He's divorced from my half-sister's mother, but recently got remarried. That's about all I know.

 

I'm going to email my b-mom and get her input on the situation, since she knows him better than I do, and has always offered to help me contact him if I want to.

 

I have a good letter written out. I imbedded a few pics of me and briefly explained my life. I make it clear that I'm not asking for a relationship or facebook friendship or money. I'd like a medical background, and I'm open to anything else that he feels comfortable with. I'm not mentioning his kids at all, since I feel like that might make him uncomfortable.

 

I don't even know why I'm writing this post right now. I'm so nervous to send the letter, because I only get one shot at this. I guess if anyone else has any advice, I'd really appreciate it.

[darkmoon]

there is a book called Coming Home To Self by therapist Nancy Verrier so named because that's how a client of hers described meeting her real/bio family

 

so you are far from alone, I am an adoptee who found my real family complete wiv similarities, I know another the same

 

your letter follows the suggestions on a blog called Birth Mother First Mother - just right, open-ended and down to earth, you need medical info

 

i don't think sending one email is too much to ask of life, whether he or his new lady will respond is another matter, you can but try

 

only adoptees know this stuff - non-adoptees may scoff, but they're not in our shoes, and can take alot for granted

Edited June 11, 2012 by darkmoon

[SarahRose]

i say go for it. you contacted your bio mom and it was fine.

 

send him a nice low key email and don't have any expectations.

 

my ex gave his first child up for adoption and when she was around 22 i found her email and contacted her. she never replied.

 

a couple years later i told him and he was ok with it. when he died we left her name off the obituary.

[16thstreet]

Hi Hibou,

 

I am not an adoptee but I can relate well to what you are going through. My father had no idea I existed until I was 23 years old and contacted him out of the blue. He and my mother had a spring fling in high school. He was a senior and left the small town they lived in for college that summer. My mother's family never said anything to his family and we moved to a new state when I was very young. At least in your situation he knows that there was a pregnancy, although he was lead to believe that things ended all that time ago.

 

Unlike you, I had absolutely no idea what kind of person my father would be, which made me very hesitant to send the letter. In the end, like you, I simply wanted to know the truth and know my genetic history for the sake of planning my own life and dealing with any risk factors.

 

It's a little more complicated than this, but basically I sent the letter and he asked for a little time to think things over. He needed to be able to talk things over with his wife and it was a big shock. I asked that he take the time he needed, but not longer than a set amount (three weeks or so) of time. His wife was (and is) great and immediately said that if he thought it was possible and I believed that he was my father that we should have a genetic test and confirm things. Which we did, and which was confirmed.

 

It is great that it turned out well in my case, but I had to really prepare myself mentally and emotionally for the situation where he might have completely rejected me. That was the hardest thing -- that fear. In the end, the risk of the rejection (or finding out that my father was some horrible person that I would have rather never met) was outweighed by my desire for the truth and knowing my genetic history. It sounds like it might be the same way for you. Brace yourself, and good luck.

Edited June 20, 2012 by 16thstreet

[pink_sugar]

Don't be discouraged and don't give up! And don't say you will never meet your half sister. You can always try contacting her when she's 18.

[UpwardForward]

In the situation of adoption, does one have to have a court order to find the name of their biological mother?

 

If so, is it easy to obtain. Or is there an easier way?

Edited June 21, 2012 by UpwardForward