I fell out of love with my husband

[janedoe103]

Here's my problem. My husband of 16 years has been only interested in sex once a month since our second child was born six years ago. I have tried lingerie, alcohol, and anger. Three years ago I suggested counseling and we tried it but he didn't continue and blamed me for not being happy. He only went to one session. When I stopped initiating he didn't seem to care about it. He masterbates with porn and he admitted to visition strip clubs. He told me that one time he paid to go in a private room with one of the dancers but that he only touched her breasts. He stays late at work but I don't think he has had an affair or did more that he's telling.

For two years I've been hanging in there for our kids but in February I told him I wanted a divorce and that I didn't love him anymore. Since thenwe've been to counseling and he has taken responsibility for our condition. He say's that he loves me and that our life together will never be like it's been but I find it hard to accept.

Other than the lack of intimacy he has been a good husband. He's never abused me or hurt me physically and has provided a good home for our family. He says counseling has helped him understand where he went wrong and that he had been depressed about his job for a long time. He gained a huge amount of weight over these six years but has lost it all in the past four months.

Now I'm not sure about a divorce. I don't want to rush into a decision but I feel I need a separation. I feel like I need space and time. He has moved into the basement in an effort to give me this but he always wants to talk about it. He asks for another chance and he can't seem to understand that I fell out of love with him. He says that he feels if I can't give him one last chance then I must never have loved him. I tell him at this point I don't want intimacy from him or anyone, I just want to be left alone. Why can't he understand that my love for him slipped away during these six years? He must think because he admits his mistake, takes the blame, and says he wants to make up for the years of rejection that I'm just supposed to love him again and everything will be great. When I say I think it's too late he gets angry.

What can I do?

[supermom]

I know how bad it feels when divorce looks like an option! It just plain sucks. Is there maybe a sex therapist maybe he could see? Do you think that things would change if his sex drive did?

 

If you need time alone from everyone, then do it! Could you take a weekend away by yourself? I'm not sure if you live near a lake, pond, resort town, but I would find something to do.

 

Marriage has a lot of ups and downs. You have been married a heck of a longer time than me (2yrs/known for 10) and all I know is that I have thought about that too, been fed up, thought I was done...and the thing is....we don't even fight! Once a month maybe an good venting but we pretty much get along great. I have been getting over his one time infidelity during my pregnancy July 2002 and I have felt like I didn't know him.

 

I started taking little vacations to myself. We live in Northern Arizona in a small town about an hour and a half from Phoenix, a major city. We are both from there so I like to go by myself and hang out with friends/go out, plus my dad lives there. It's nice to leave the "children" (talking about my H and daughter hehe) and just be me for the weekend, not mommy, not "honey" but PLAIN OL ME

 

You NEED TO GO OUT or do something just for yourself.

 

Good luck!

[moimeme]

Give it one last whack. Read <URL removed> and try some of that stuff. Couples report being able to rekindle love through their methods. And it's basically free - there's so much info on the website you don't really need the book.

[mariony]

Hi Janedoe

 

I have few questions for you

 

Did you ever talk with him about those issues during the 6 years??

 

Did you tell him that you werent happy that he was in porn and strip clubs?

 

I am not talking about small talks, like sit down and have whole day and duscussing the issues... Ever done that??

 

Let me give you an example, not everyone thinks like us, sometimes we think we give signals and they dont get it, and we think well I did give signals....

 

Ok let me give you another one

 

good dog - bad dog

 

When dog does something good we award to our dog, if dog does something bad, we punish and teach our dog..

 

My advice is this,

 

You loved him once, not you dont love him anymore ( lets say his negative sides are more then his positive sides )

 

and he withdraw from his love bank more and more without adding now he is going marriage banktrupcy RIGHT

 

ok if you give him a chance to improve himself, and wait few more months to see if he really change, and since you did once love him I am sure you will love him again. So what do you got to loose??? You will divorce him anytime..

 

Give him a chance tell him this will be his last chance, if he permanently improve himself YOU ARE OUT... but there is a catch here, you have to be openminded you really have to forget and forgive the past and open new page..

 

IF doesnt work at least you will not regreted in the future that you never really gave a chance...

 

oh by the way maybe you did give him this chance maybe you did talk to him maybe you tried as hard as possible then if I were you I would not think about a second DUMP him ...