His kids found out...

[Angel1111]

you're only sorry because you got caught.

 

if his kids didn't know any better, you'd still be knee-deep in this affair.

 

this is not considered guilt or remorse. you're just thinking self-preservation here.

 

"you reap what you sow."

 

I'm not sorry that I got caught. I'm sorry that I've hurt his kids. I was too weak to ever make our break ups permanent and caved in when he slowly made his way back into my life each time. I'm lonesome and he made me feel so loved and valued. He is completely charming and his genuine happiness at being around me was infectious. I know, you're going to say it wasn't real or right. I'm not making excuses, just saying why things were the way they were. I feel like a piece of me has been cut out over ending communication with him; like I have died.

[Angel1111]

There's no point in pouring salt into her wounds. She feels bad enough and to me, she is genuinally remorseful. She so far has changed things by deleting him off of facebook and is going to look for another job. That's pro active and positive for her.

 

Thank you.

[2sunny]

There's no point in pouring salt into her wounds. She feels bad enough and to me, she is genuinally remorseful. She so far has changed things by deleting him off of facebook and is going to look for another job. That's pro active and positive for her.

 

Deleting Facebook is just a way of trying to eliminate the evidence.

 

She doesn't seem REMORSEFUL about the affair - as she has stated she is STILL very much attached to HIM.

 

Nothing about the A has changed except that now other people are hurt and the finger is pointing her way... Because of how SHE PARTICIPATED.

 

Unless she intends to MOVE far far away and NEVER EVER communicate with him in any way again... She is still very much a part of his thoughts and actions = much if which will more likely still come to light for his family.

 

If you are willing to get honest - you would go directly to his kids (the VP) and your OM - have a meeting - resign with NO money (as a payoff) - and DISAPPEAR from their life as they KNEW it FOREVER!!!

 

Anything less isn't an apology. Anything less is only sorry you OT CAUGHT.

 

And IF the W calls - tell everything she wants to know!

[2sunny]

I'm not sorry that I got caught. I'm sorry that I've hurt his kids. I was too weak to ever make our break ups permanent and caved in when he slowly made his way back into my life each time. I'm lonesome and he made me feel so loved and valued. He is completely charming and his genuine happiness at being around me was infectious. I know, you're going to say it wasn't real or right. I'm not making excuses, just saying why things were the way they were. I feel like a piece of me has been cut out over ending communication with him; like I have died.

 

Very unhealthy - this is completely out of balance - you handed him way too much power.

 

Get counseling for WHY you even considered it - and how YOU can CHANGE that!

[Betrayed&Stayed]

That's because you probably haven't been around over the years when I have beat myself up over this. I take just as much blame as anyone and used to take it all on myself. It's a moot point at this stage. If I could turn back the clocks, I would. I am more sorry than anyone will ever know.

 

Bullcrap. Like YS, I immediately noticed how you have removed yourself from the situation as if you're watching from the sidelines.

 

If you were "more sorry", why continue an affair for EIGHT years? Maybe their marriage is like a cold war because you've been invading their marriage for EIGHT years. Pretty hard to work on a marriage and a mistress at the same time. You weren't sorry enough for those EIGHT years.

[2sunny]

Bullcrap. Like YS, I immediately noticed how you have removed yourself from the situation as if you're watching from the sidelines.

 

If you were "more sorry", why continue an affair for EIGHT years? Maybe their marriage is like a cold war because you've been invading their marriage for EIGHT years. Pretty hard to work on a marriage and a mistress at the same time. You weren't sorry enough for those EIGHT years.

 

And running away before you say your truth to those YOU harmed is cowardly.

 

Admit what you did - the really show you are sorry with ACTION that REMOVES you COMPLETELY from their lives FOREVER!

 

That would be SHOWING remorse...

[Snowflower]

Bullcrap. Like YS, I immediately noticed how you have removed yourself from the situation as if you're watching from the sidelines.

 

If you were "more sorry", why continue an affair for EIGHT years? Maybe their marriage is like a cold war because you've been invading their marriage for EIGHT years. Pretty hard to work on a marriage and a mistress at the same time. You weren't sorry enough for those EIGHT years.

 

Okay guys, let's cut the OP a little slack. She says she is remorseful and she is trying to extricate herself from the situation. Beating her up here won't help. She has been around LS for quite awhile; she knows the drill.

 

OP, I think the best thing you can do is find yourself another job and quickly. From what you post, the son/VP of your company will likely do something with this information and it might not be to your benefit.

 

Don't worry about what is going on in their marriage. That is for them to figure out. Take care of YOU and get yourself to a more stable place...professionally and emotionally.

[Spark1111]

I'm not sorry that I got caught. I'm sorry that I've hurt his kids. I was too weak to ever make our break ups permanent and caved in when he slowly made his way back into my life each time. I'm lonesome and he made me feel so loved and valued. He is completely charming and his genuine happiness at being around me was infectious. I know, you're going to say it wasn't real or right. I'm not making excuses, just saying why things were the way they were. I feel like a piece of me has been cut out over ending communication with him; like I have died.

 

I have read your threads. You have introspected. I feel sorry for your lack of feeling as good as the MM made you feel.

 

Did you never think his children or others would/could find out?

 

Did you never think of how distant or removed he may have been while so heavily invested with you emotionally?

 

Why would a child search your FB? Hack it to find info?

 

Maybe he wasn't father of the year. Maybe, after a decent interval, he excused himself from his family to text and email you all night long.

 

All that time you both spent stroking each other's ego, making each other feel of so special and good, was less time he spent with them and their mother.

 

Whatever you think you know, you truly have no idea how he acted at home.

 

Did you ever think of it?

 

Or, did you convince yourself he was father of the year and no one would miss all the time he devoted to your relationship?

 

I am amazed at those who finally get it when it hits the light of discovery, but prior to that, never gave it a thought, oh so convinced as long as no one finds out, we aren't hurting anyone.

 

He HAS to tell his wife, and they HAVE to talk of it with their children.

 

A broken heart is sad. A broken vision of one of your parents is LIFE altering.

 

I hope he finally mans up and tells them all the truth. It may help. but it WILL never be the same for those kids.

 

And that is devastating, and should be or should have been to anyone who truly cared about this man.

 

Sorry you do not feel so special anymore.

[Angel1111]

For all the judgers out there on their soapbox, I'm happy for you that you have never done anything that requires forgiveness or that was extremely difficult to extract yourself from. I'm sorry I ever got into the situation but I did. I didn't know their circumstances and I still don't. The times I observed them and their relationship was before our affair. That part doesnt matter though and my biggest fear was that someone in his family would get hurt. I expressed that to him more than once. But yes I should've never done what I did and that is the bottom line. I get it. To explain to you how that continued off and on for 8 yrs is very difficult and there's no point in explaining it. I was never comfortable with the situation and went against my instincts. That almost always has bad results. I loved him and trusted him. I think I kidded myself and beieved that he would make the decision to finally leave his marriage. I was just as delusional as he was. It's over now and my worst fears have been realized.

[Spark1111]

For all the judgers out there on their soapbox, I'm happy for you that you have never done anything that requires forgiveness or that was extremely difficult to extract yourself from. I'm sorry I ever got into the situation but I did. I didn't know their circumstances and I still don't. The times I observed them and their relationship was before our affair. That part doesnt matter though and my biggest fear was that someone in his family would get hurt. I expressed that to him more than once. But yes I should've never done what I did and that is the bottom line. I get it. To explain to you how that continued off and on for 8 yrs is very difficult and there's no point in explaining it. I was never comfortable with the situation and went against my instincts. That almost always has bad results. I loved him and trusted him. I think I kidded myself and beieved that he would make the decision to finally leave his marriage. I was just as delusional as he was. It's over now and my worst fears have been realized.

 

I am not judging you. I have lived this scenario, forgave the man, forgave the OW and am happily reconciled.

 

What happened to my children's opinion of their father now devastates me MORE today than what happened to me.

 

I understand the affair, the dynamics that led up to it, and why it ended. I/we went to countless hours of therapy and fought to put humpty-dumpty back together again.

 

I'm happy.

 

He is their only father. They will always love him. They have forgiven him. But they will never respect him as much, or think of him as the Superman they once did. He lied and cheated on their mother (their words, not mine) when he did not have to.

 

He could have honestly asked for a separation (again, their words, not mine) and told the truth to their mother, the way he had always encouraged them to tell the truth and do the right thing.

 

I mourn their lack of innocence today as any mother would. I mourn their corrupted view of their father, as any mother would. And that would be true whether we reconciled or divorced.

 

Maybe your MM has a chance, if he tells the truth to both his wife and his children and together they figure out how to heal.

 

I hope you heal too, I really do.

 

My point was, you cannot unring that bell and neither can he. Continuing to keep secrets will destroy his relationship with them for good, especially if he asks them to keep this horrible information a secret from their mother.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

For all the judgers out there on their soapbox, I'm happy for you that you have never done anything that requires forgiveness or that was extremely difficult to extract yourself from. I'm sorry I ever got into the situation but I did. I didn't know their circumstances and I still don't. The times I observed them and their relationship was before our affair. That part doesnt matter though and my biggest fear was that someone in his family would get hurt. I expressed that to him more than once. But yes I should've never done what I did and that is the bottom line. I get it. To explain to you how that continued off and on for 8 yrs is very difficult and there's no point in explaining it. I was never comfortable with the situation and went against my instincts. That almost always has bad results. I loved him and trusted him. I think I kidded myself and beieved that he would make the decision to finally leave his marriage. I was just as delusional as he was. It's over now and my worst fears have been realized.

 

I was able to forgive my wife for her affair. It is the hardest thing that I've ever done. I can't imagine anything more difficult.

 

Here's why I call Bull: How many times over the eight years did you have the opportunity to do the right thing and break it off? My guess is more than you can count, but you continued the affair knowing full well that some day it would blow up. Now it's going to hit the fan for sure; just in time for Father's Day. How appropriate for the MM.

[Angel1111]

I am not judging you. I have lived this scenario, forgave the man, forgave the OW and am happily reconciled.

 

What happened to my children's opinion of their father now devastates me MORE today than what happened to me.

 

I understand the affair, the dynamics that led up to it, and why it ended. I/we went to countless hours of therapy and fought to put humpty-dumpty back together again.

 

I'm happy.

 

He is their only father. They will always love him. They have forgiven him. But they will never respect him as much, or think of him as the Superman they once did. He lied and cheated on their mother (their words, not mine) when he did not have to.

 

He could have honestly asked for a separation (again, their words, not mine) and told the truth to their mother, the way he had always encouraged them to tell the truth and do the right thing.

 

I mourn their lack of innocence today as any mother would. I mourn their corrupted view of their father, as any mother would. And that would be true whether we reconciled or divorced.

 

Maybe your MM has a chance, if he tells the truth to both his wife and his children and together they figure out how to heal.

 

I hope you heal too, I really do.

 

My point was, you cannot unring that bell and neither can he. Continuing to keep secrets will destroy his relationship with them for good, especially if he asks them to keep this horrible information a secret from their mother.

 

I definitely understand where you're coming from on this and I fully agree that it is much better to end things instead of starting the crazy cycle of affairs. I think of this in my own situation though and while I know my dad was a good man, I also think there was a time when he cheated on my mom. While it didn't become a full blown family issue, I also know that it didnt change my opinion or view of my dad. I guess it's just a different mind set. I think even at a young age, I understood the vagaries of relationships. I understood that people are fallible and that whatever went on between my parents, the personal aspect of their relationship was none of my business and didn't concern me. And my parents had a good marriage. Again, not justifying anything I'm just saying that not everyone has the same viewpoint. I am very saddened by the hurt and change of perspective that the kids go through in these situations. As you say, the bell cannot be unrung.

[Angel1111]

I was able to forgive my wife for her affair. It is the hardest thing that I've ever done. I can't imagine anything more difficult.

 

Here's why I call Bull: How many times over the eight years did you have the opportunity to do the right thing and break it off? My guess is more than you can count, but you continued the affair knowing full well that some day it would blow up. Now it's going to hit the fan for sure; just in time for Father's Day. How appropriate for the MM.

 

I'm actually ashamed to tell you how many times I ended things with him. Then another 6 mos or so would go by and he would slowly edge his way back into my life. Then I would tell myself that I could handle just being friends with him but I realize now that I was just opening that door again. We haven't had a steady 8 yr affair but it has been strung out over that period of time. I have a true weakness where he's concerned and I over-estimated my ability to handle it. I ended things within the first week of out affair and I shouldve left it at that. I never imagined I'd let myself get sucked into such an endless cycle.

[eleanorrigby]

I also think there was a time when he cheated on my mom. While it didn't become a full blown family issue, I also know that it didnt change my opinion or view of my dad. I guess it's just a different mind set. I think even at a young age, I understood the vagaries of relationships. I understood that people are fallible and that whatever went on between my parents, the personal aspect of their relationship was none of my business and didn't concern me. And my parents had a good marriage. Again, not justifying anything I'm just saying that not everyone has the same viewpoint. I am very saddened by the hurt and change of perspective that the kids go through in these situations. As you say, the bell cannot be unrung.

 

You should take this same attitude with your MM's marriage and stop speculating and concerning yourself about what his betrayed wife may or may not have done in her marriage. Stop speculating and concerning yourself about his betrayed wife being seen as a victim to her family, friends and co-workers. Stop speculating and concerning yourself about how M's children will think of him.

 

Those topics certainly should not concern you MORE then your own parents marriage, and you said you were able to keep that in perspective and keep it moving.

 

Why are you having such a hard time doing that in this circumstance?

 

Your biggest concern IMO is your employment or potential lack thereof.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I'm actually ashamed to tell you how many times I ended things with him. Then another 6 mos or so would go by and he would slowly edge his way back into my life. Then I would tell myself that I could handle just being friends with him but I realize now that I was just opening that door again. We haven't had a steady 8 yr affair but it has been strung out over that period of time. I have a true weakness where he's concerned and I over-estimated my ability to handle it. I ended things within the first week of out affair and I shouldve left it at that. I never imagined I'd let myself get sucked into such an endless cycle.

 

Fair enough. I don't know the details of your history.

 

Your first several posts came across as very emotionally distant from the reckoning that is happening to your MM.

 

Rhetorical question: why so fixated on a man that cheats on his wife and apparently seems to be taking advantage of you? Just something to think about.

[nofool4u]

Oh, I see. Yes probably. He said that he was going to try to talk to his daughter this weekend but I don't think it went well if he did. And now Fathers Day is coming up. I don't see how his wife isn't going to notice that something is wrong. This has become such a mess.

 

Not only that, if his wife finds out, and then also finds out her children knew all along, that is double the betrayal.

 

I know I wouldn't know until I'm in that situation, but if I had kids that knew someone I was with cheated on me, didn't tell me, and let me waste too many years of this life I'll never get back, I think I'd have to disown them for letting me waste my life. Well, probably not, but I'd feel betrayed by my kids as well.

 

Your xMM deserves what is happening to him. And BNB is right, he needs to leave them to deal with it as they see fit. Ball isn't in MM's court.

[pureinheart]

I just sent him a goodbye email and deleted him from my facebook. I know it was the right thing to do but I'm crying my heart out. I will miss him so much.

 

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))) Angel...I know, BTDT, although it is for the best. It's time to think of you now...you got my thoughts and prayers love...and so does MM's kids and wife.

[Angel1111]

I haven't commented in the thread until now because kids and affairs are a hard trigger for me because I was the daughter of a man who had affairs and it brought me great pain. I don't mean to insult you but the above is full of rationalizations and that is putting it kindly.

 

Since you don't know for sure that your dad cheated, I can see why you'd say the things you did in a way but I'm here to tell you that you wouldn't be so understanding if you knew for sure that he did. Furthermore if you knew for sure that your father cheated, you wouldn't be saying that it was none of your business and that you understand the personal aspects of their marriage BECAUSE had you known that he did, it would have hurt you terribly. Affairs hurt children, grown up's or small, makes not much difference. If you had experienced this hurt you wouldn't have such a disconnect in regards to your mm kids.

 

I honestly don't think I'd see it that way; that my father did something to ME. He would've done it in the confines of his marriage to my mother, not to me or my sisters. If he had been a serial cheater, yeah, I would've lost respect for him but I would also wonder why my mother would've been with him. My parents were married for over 50 yrs and died within a week of one another. I came from a very happy family. I just have the ability to distinguish the difference between the parent/child relationship that I had with my parents, opposed to the husband/wife relationship they had with each other. They are two completely different things.

 

I'm really sorry for the sadness you've been through. I really am. And I'm not at all disconnected about MM kids. I'm very sad that they're going through this and when he told me that his son knew about us, my heart dropped that day. Just because I don't fully understand the reaction doesn't mean I don't think it's valid. I know they're hurting, I know they thought their dad was a near god. He can give that impression; he deals so fairly with people in business, he has a sterling reputation in all other areas of his life. If you met him, you'd be shocked that he's the one I'm talking about. He is a doll and I adore him. I know why his kids thought of him the way they did. I would've rather not see that image of him die. I'm very sad about this, hence my post about it.

[Angel1111]

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))) Angel...I know, BTDT, although it is for the best. It's time to think of you now...you got my thoughts and prayers love...and so does MM's kids and wife.

 

Thank you, pureinheart.

[2sunny]

Seeing that the PAST can't be changed - what can YOU do to change the present today - and your future.

 

Making sure not to make the same errors again - how are YOU going to be sure you eliminate HIM from your life completely as YOU move forward?

 

It may be hard - but I can tell you - it is possible... And it is something YOU CAN DO to set this right in your future.

[pureinheart]

I read the responses and marvel at the lack of ownership taken by you Angel. You were the party who helped make all of this possible. For 8 years!!! You became involved with the married boss at your work, and you helped him drive a bus over his wife and kids. Yet you seem to take little or no reponsibility for your actions.

 

Had you rebuffed his advances in the beginning none of this would have happened. Don't get involved with married men, and never fish of the company pier. The result is what you are experiencing now.

 

Ya, go ahead a flame me folks but this isn't rocket science. And I always marvel at the transfer of ownership by the affair partner when things go bad. I know if I play with fire I will get burnt. Everything you are experiencing now is your own doing. Had you not done what you did willingly there would be no lost job, no fallout with the kids, and no betrayed wife in YOUR life right now.

 

Yes he is responsible for his part in all this. But so are you. Had you not had an affair with the married boss at work for 8 years, and kept in contact with him on Stupidbook even when it ended.. your life would be ok. So own what YOU did to make all this a reality.

 

You crack me up...

 

YS, I think, and we reading the same thread, that Angel took responsitiblity for what was hers. And this can go the other way around also, had he not made continuous advances to her, this would not be happening.

 

They both made a mistake for whatever reason, hashing out would haves, could haves, should haves is redundant now.

 

The important thing is to support Angel who is posting and for those that pray, praying for wife, kids and MM that all parties will be safe and do what is needed to resolve this.

[pureinheart]

you're only sorry because you got caught.

 

if his kids didn't know any better, you'd still be knee-deep in this affair.

 

this is not considered guilt or remorse. you're just thinking self-preservation here.

 

"you reap what you sow."

 

Artie, give me your secret for passing mind reading 101, because without mind reading you could not possibly know this.

 

I am of the opinion that people in glass houses should not throw stones, AND we all live in glass houses.

 

Yes we do reap what we sow, I should be the queen of that, BUT because of Gods grace and mercy, He has seen fit to forgive me and I haven't paid even close the price owed to Him, and I never will be able to because I am human and He is God and gave me a free gift.

[woinlove]

I honestly don't think I'd see it that way; that my father did something to ME. He would've done it in the confines of his marriage to my mother, not to me or my sisters. If he had been a serial cheater, yeah, I would've lost respect for him but I would also wonder why my mother would've been with him. My parents were married for over 50 yrs and died within a week of one another. I came from a very happy family. I just have the ability to distinguish the difference between the parent/child relationship that I had with my parents, opposed to the husband/wife relationship they had with each other. They are two completely different things.

 

I'm really sorry for the sadness you've been through. I really am. And I'm not at all disconnected about MM kids. I'm very sad that they're going through this and when he told me that his son knew about us, my heart dropped that day. Just because I don't fully understand the reaction doesn't mean I don't think it's valid. I know they're hurting, I know they thought their dad was a near god. He can give that impression; he deals so fairly with people in business, he has a sterling reputation in all other areas of his life. If you met him, you'd be shocked that he's the one I'm talking about. He is a doll and I adore him. I know why his kids thought of him the way they did. I would've rather not see that image of him die. I'm very sad about this, hence my post about it.

 

Infidelity often hits teenagers the worse. They are still living at home and they are aware enough to notice if a parent is absent or distracted. When they find out after the fact, they may look back and question if the parent really was working late or whatever when the parent wasn't there for them. It is really difficult to keep up the appearances of being a faithful husband and not have the deception spread to the children. So, in many cases, it IS something that is done to them as well. The parent is presenting his/her own children with a false impression, often making excuses that are not even true or are purposely evading the truth.

 

And sometimes the children don't recognize at first how much it affects them and only learn later when they make their own poor relationship choices in the future how much baggage they carry from a parents infidelity.

 

Therapy can be critical for children old enough to feel truly deceived by their own parent, particularly in an extended, ongoing way. It is not just something done to the other parent. It is more than them just thinking he was a god, it is them thinking he was the parent he presented himself as and realizing all the lies that went into that presentation. That cuts much deeper than realizing he isn't a god. It could literally affect them for very many years. I do hope they get therapy. But again, that is out of your control. From what you write about MM, I am not optimistic about him helping his family through this and behaving better, but maybe seeing his children in such pain will bring some change in him.

Edited June 12, 2012 by woinlove

[YellowShark]

And this can go the other way around also, had he not made continuous advances to her, this would not be happening.

 

I disagree. If your married boss hits on you at work you have to be very dumb not to know that is a certain disaster waiting to happen. Its an instant "I'm flattered but no thank you." To let it repeat and bang him as well for nearly EIGHT years is frankly, insane.

 

They both made a mistake for whatever reason, hashing out would haves, could haves, should haves is redundant now.

 

Yup. Can't go back and unring an eight-year bell.

 

The important thing is to support Angel who is posting and for those that pray, praying for wife, kids and MM that all parties will be safe and do what is needed to resolve this.

 

Well there would have been no "this" had Angel not been a willing participant for nearly a decade. She knew the score, it was her boss, she knew he was married, she even knew his wife and children. But she still went for it.

 

Resolution is easy. Walk the hell away already. Shut it down completely. Leave these people alone. Yes married boss is a douche for cheating with Angel for 8 years. And hitting on women in his employ makes him a scumball. But if ya think I am gonna jump in and send virtual hugs at Angel you gotta be kidding. I wanna smack her over the head and say "WTF were you thinking for the past 8 years?"

[2sunny]

Once a person admits that they participated in a way that caused harm to self and others - its best to stop doing that anymore.

 

Cut off any and all communication with him.

 

Has he communicated today at all to let you know what happened over the weekend?