His kids found out...

[Angel1111]

I disagree. If your married boss hits on you at work you have to be very dumb not to know that is a certain disaster waiting to happen. Its an instant "I'm flattered but no thank you." To let it repeat and bang him as well for nearly EIGHT years is frankly, insane.

 

 

 

Yup. Can't go back and unring an eight-year bell.

 

 

 

Well there would have been no "this" had Angel not been a willing participant for nearly a decade. She knew the score, it was her boss, she knew he was married, she even knew his wife and children. But she still went for it.

 

Resolution is easy. Walk the hell away already. Shut it down completely. Leave these people alone. Yes married boss is a douche for cheating with Angel for 8 years. And hitting on women in his employ makes him a scumball. But if ya think I am gonna jump in and send virtual hugs at Angel you gotta be kidding. I wanna smack her over the head and say "WTF were you thinking for the past 8 years?"

 

I'm not really interested in re-hashing what I did and why I did it. And I don't really care about your opinion on the matter. I posted this to get insight on what may be going on with MM's kids.

[Angel1111]

Once a person admits that they participated in a way that caused harm to self and others - its best to stop doing that anymore.

 

Cut off any and all communication with him.

 

Has he communicated today at all to let you know what happened over the weekend?

 

I did not go into work today and I have not heard from him. I'm not even sure if he has read the email I sent him. I'm sad and horrified about having to let go of him like this again. I feel like I've lost my best friend.

[Angel1111]

Artie, give me your secret for passing mind reading 101, because without mind reading you could not possibly know this.

 

I am of the opinion that people in glass houses should not throw stones, AND we all live in glass houses.

 

Yes we do reap what we sow, I should be the queen of that, BUT because of Gods grace and mercy, He has seen fit to forgive me and I haven't paid even close the price owed to Him, and I never will be able to because I am human and He is God and gave me a free gift.

 

Thank you for your kind words.

[woinlove]

I posted this to get insight on what may be going on with MM's kids.

 

Ana Nogales' book, Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, covers this in detail. I haven't read the book, but I've read a review of it. Her study apparently showed that almost all children felt betrayed themselves by the unfaithful parent and that it shakes their whole foundation of trust, not only of the unfaithful parent, but in their other relationships as well. The relationship with his children may never be fully repaired, but demonstrating some honesty and counselling for all involved can help restore it to some level. Although his children may feel they have to protect their mother from their father's actions, if his children carry their father's secret into the future, the weight of that burden and the guilt (Nogales' found the children usually carried guilt if they also carry the secret) seems to take an even heavier toll on the children.

 

On the other hand, if the truth comes out, how the children fare and react to their father will depend in part on how MM and his W deal with this and how they come out of it. If the parents can both eventually end up in a good place, whether together or apart, the children probably stand the best chance of not having this affect their relationships into the future.

[2sunny]

I did not go into work today and I have not heard from him. I'm not even sure if he has read the email I sent him. I'm sad and horrified about having to let go of him like this again. I feel like I've lost my best friend.

 

I understand your feelings about losing a best friend. I was with my cheating xH for 23 years!

 

Have you devised a plan of how to take care of YOU - should he contact you?

 

You are the only one you can count one to take the best care of you. I'm hoping you will.

 

From my own horrific experience of being to hell and back - it's best to start NEW behaviors that DO take care of you. Do completely opposite of what you normally do - THAT is likely to bring you NEW results and new beginnings that help to move forward.

 

For me - doing/saying anything remotely old behavior just set me back and made me feel like I was going backward - which caused ME so much more pain and self loathing.

 

I drank a lot in those first two years too - out of self pity - I no longer drink.

 

But I realized too - NO "friend - especially a best friend" would have hurt me so much. When I realized he only considered HIS feelings, not mine, is when I found it easier to understand he wasn't the man I THOUGHT he was.

 

He was a man lying and pretending to be someone he wasn't. He had no honor and no respect... Not for me, not for our kids and not even for himself.

 

Now, six years later - he's still beside himself that he did it and that I had the strength to divorce him. He thought I never would. I don't know where that initial strength came from - I think my gut kept telling me I deserved a man to treat me with honesty and respect - and that wasn't in his character - certainly not in his actions - so matter what he would have "said" at that juncture - I would never believe him since his actions were in such stark contrast.

[Artie Lang]

I'm not sorry that I got caught.

 

there you go right there. you're not sorry for the affair, but sorry for the kids finding out. how does that work?

 

you(both) were hurting the kids, anyway. they just didn't know it yet! see... this is what sucks. you don't care until "sh*t hits the fan." now that you stand to lose your precious job, you realize what you've done- because it directly affects YOU! that's selfishness.

 

i'm not trying to bash you. it's the truth!

[whichwayisup]

I posted this to get insight on what may be going on with MM's kids.

 

They feel betrayed, pissed off, let down, hurt. The image and the father they believed in for so long has been shattered. The trust and respect will never be the same. It's sad for them and it's going to take a lot of patience, understanding, counselling and honesty to work through this.

 

Try not to get sucked into his life, his family life in how they cope and deal with this. Don't try to predict a divorce or hope he'll come to you in the future. Focus on letting go and own your grief, the loss of him in your life. Rely on good friends and family (even do counselling to help you through too) for support and keep posting here.

 

 

I did not go into work today and I have not heard from him. I'm not even sure if he has read the email I sent him. I'm sad and horrified about having to let go of him like this again. I feel like I've lost my best friend.

 

Book 2 weeks of holidays. Just do it. You need this time to calm down and deal with all that's going on. Plus you don't want to be around at work with his son right now. That's just a bomb waiting to go off..

 

Be good to yourself and reach out to friends not only for a shoulder but to take you out and make you laugh, forget about your pain. Isolating yourself is not a good thing.

[MissBee]

Infidelity often hits teenagers the worse. They are still living at home and they are aware enough to notice if a parent is absent or distracted. When they find out after the fact, they may look back and question if the parent really was working late or whatever when the parent wasn't there for them. It is really difficult to keep up the appearances of being a faithful husband and not have the deception spread to the children. So, in many cases, it IS something that is done to them as well. The parent is presenting his/her own children with a false impression, often making excuses that are not even true or are purposely evading the truth.

 

And sometimes the children don't recognize at first how much it affects them and only learn later when they make their own poor relationship choices in the future how much baggage they carry from a parents infidelity.

 

Therapy can be critical for children old enough to feel truly deceived by their own parent, particularly in an extended, ongoing way. It is not just something done to the other parent. It is more than them just thinking he was a god, it is them thinking he was the parent he presented himself as and realizing all the lies that went into that presentation. That cuts much deeper than realizing he isn't a god. It could literally affect them for very many years. I do hope they get therapy. But again, that is out of your control. From what you write about MM, I am not optimistic about him helping his family through this and behaving better, but maybe seeing his children in such pain will bring some change in him.

 

This is exactly how it was for me...it was only as an adult that I began to realize that you subconsciously absorb so much from your parents' relationship with each other and you often act it out in your own relationships. That is when I truly began to realize the extent at which my dad's philandering had affected me, as I didn't really think about it prior to that. I knew about it and felt it was bad but didn't at all think it had any effect on me...I was so wrong, and as an adult I became even more resentful.

 

What you said about shaking your foundation of trust is soo very true...I think growing up seeing that from you dad, the man who you trust most and think of as the king of your family, who's supposed to treat your mom like a Queen etc... whether or not I wanted it to, I realized that I had the belief that if my own dad is a cheater, then what hope is there for me to believe well about anyone else? I didn't choose to feel this way, as I said, as a kid I didn't think about it...but as an adult all those messages I absorbed reared their head once I started forming relationships and I ended up in an A myself as well smh. But long and short, it affects kids, particularly if it is serial.

Edited June 12, 2012 by MissBee

[pureinheart]

I did not go into work today and I have not heard from him. I'm not even sure if he has read the email I sent him. I'm sad and horrified about having to let go of him like this again. I feel like I've lost my best friend.

 

Oh Angel, I so understand the loss you feel right now. Do you have a good support system in place, people that you can talk to? Do you have a particular belief or faith that you can turn to?

[YellowShark]

I'm not really interested in re-hashing what I did and why I did it. And I don't really care about your opinion on the matter. I posted this to get insight on what may be going on with MM's kids.

 

Of course you're "not interested" in my opinion because it brings your conduct over the past 8 years into question. And frankly I don't buy the "worried about his kids" BS. You weren't worried about his kids for nearly a decade when you were helping their father drive a bus over them... (and their mother.)

 

Yes, they are really angry, hurt, and probably hate you. Gee wiz, what a surprise!

[Spark1111]

I definitely understand where you're coming from on this and I fully agree that it is much better to end things instead of starting the crazy cycle of affairs. I think of this in my own situation though and while I know my dad was a good man, I also think there was a time when he cheated on my mom. While it didn't become a full blown family issue, I also know that it didnt change my opinion or view of my dad. I guess it's just a different mind set. I think even at a young age, I understood the vagaries of relationships. I understood that people are fallible and that whatever went on between my parents, the personal aspect of their relationship was none of my business and didn't concern me. And my parents had a good marriage. Again, not justifying anything I'm just saying that not everyone has the same viewpoint. I am very saddened by the hurt and change of perspective that the kids go through in these situations. As you say, the bell cannot be unrung.

 

Angel, you cannot project your feelings about your father's maybe affair onto the children of MM.

 

Yes, their are vagaries of relationships. Was there a reason, or an excuse that you would be okay about your dad cheating?

 

Was your mom i.e. crazy, addicted, unloving or unkind to him?

 

Why do you think he stepped outside the marriage? And if he did, it doesn't seem like it was considered a big deal to your mom, or you. No circus seemed to have ensued. Are you speculating?

 

I was devastated, and while I had NO intention of telling my children, my very astute 25 year old daughter knew immediately.

 

My other daughter had been asking for two years, "Where is Dad?" (At work.) She suspected. So did my son because of changes he saw in his father. They never told me their suspicions as they were protecting me.

 

However, any one of them could have hacked his computer to find conclusive evidence. This is what I mean when I tell you that you have no idea how he was behaving in his home during the affair.

 

And no one can predict the fallout from it now.

[Angel1111]

Infidelity often hits teenagers the worse. They are still living at home and they are aware enough to notice if a parent is absent or distracted. When they find out after the fact, they may look back and question if the parent really was working late or whatever when the parent wasn't there for them. It is really difficult to keep up the appearances of being a faithful husband and not have the deception spread to the children. So, in many cases, it IS something that is done to them as well. The parent is presenting his/her own children with a false impression, often making excuses that are not even true or are purposely evading the truth.

 

And sometimes the children don't recognize at first how much it affects them and only learn later when they make their own poor relationship choices in the future how much baggage they carry from a parents infidelity.

 

Therapy can be critical for children old enough to feel truly deceived by their own parent, particularly in an extended, ongoing way. It is not just something done to the other parent. It is more than them just thinking he was a god, it is them thinking he was the parent he presented himself as and realizing all the lies that went into that presentation. That cuts much deeper than realizing he isn't a god. It could literally affect them for very many years. I do hope they get therapy. But again, that is out of your control. From what you write about MM, I am not optimistic about him helping his family through this and behaving better, but maybe seeing his children in such pain will bring some change in him.

 

This is very sad to hear. I think I kidded myself on this issue because I was pretty sure that his kids knew their parents didn't have a very warm relationship and that they wouldn't be that surprised. I guess it's just different when a parent cheats, though. I have to admit that I really did not anticipate this type of reaction from his kids. When xMM said that his daughter woudn't return his calls and that his son was barely talking to him, I realized how bad it was. This makes me feel really bad.

[Spark1111]

Infidelity often hits teenagers the worse. They are still living at home and they are aware enough to notice if a parent is absent or distracted. When they find out after the fact, they may look back and question if the parent really was working late or whatever when the parent wasn't there for them. It is really difficult to keep up the appearances of being a faithful husband and not have the deception spread to the children. So, in many cases, it IS something that is done to them as well. The parent is presenting his/her own children with a false impression, often making excuses that are not even true or are purposely evading the truth.

 

And sometimes the children don't recognize at first how much it affects them and only learn later when they make their own poor relationship choices in the future how much baggage they carry from a parents infidelity.

 

This is spot on.

 

My daughter, in love and getting married, moved out of the house, but fought to keep us together.

 

My second daughter has told me she loves her dad, but if he had been her H, she would have divorced him. She told him, "You are exactly the type of man you warned me against my entire life."

 

Ouch.

 

My son, as the youngest, was perhaps the most affected. He idolized his dad. It is friendly, but somewhat strained on his part. I hope (pray) he comes to complete forgiveness some day.

 

Therapy can be critical for children old enough to feel truly deceived by their own parent, particularly in an extended, ongoing way. It is not just something done to the other parent. It is more than them just thinking he was a god, it is them thinking he was the parent he presented himself as and realizing all the lies that went into that presentation. That cuts much deeper than realizing he isn't a god. It could literally affect them for very many years. I do hope they get therapy. But again, that is out of your control. From what you write about MM, I am not optimistic about him helping his family through this and behaving better, but maybe seeing his children in such pain will bring some change in him.

 

With children, it is not what you say, it is what you do --your actions-- that most shape their future behavior.

[Angel1111]

I remember all to well what my kids went through when they found out and I still didn't know. They carried that around and he tried to make them feel guilty so they wouldn't tell me. The damage he did is still being worked through. He and the OW set that damage in motion. Seeing their father coming out of the motel with his OW was enough to send my oldest into a flying rage and his grades pulimating. Far reaching consequences...years later we are dealing with it. That relationship that he took so much time to nurture (with OW) cost him his children's respect. Sadly, now he wants a relationship...they don't.

 

Even though it was xMM's son who said that 'mom must not ever find out about this', I still think xMM is wrong for not telling his wife at this point. This is too much for his kids to be burdened with.

[Angel1111]

Ana Nogales' book, Parents Who Cheat: How Children and Adults Are Affected When Their Parents Are Unfaithful, covers this in detail. I haven't read the book, but I've read a review of it. Her study apparently showed that almost all children felt betrayed themselves by the unfaithful parent and that it shakes their whole foundation of trust, not only of the unfaithful parent, but in their other relationships as well. The relationship with his children may never be fully repaired, but demonstrating some honesty and counselling for all involved can help restore it to some level. Although his children may feel they have to protect their mother from their father's actions, if his children carry their father's secret into the future, the weight of that burden and the guilt (Nogales' found the children usually carried guilt if they also carry the secret) seems to take an even heavier toll on the children.

 

On the other hand, if the truth comes out, how the children fare and react to their father will depend in part on how MM and his W deal with this and how they come out of it. If the parents can both eventually end up in a good place, whether together or apart, the children probably stand the best chance of not having this affect their relationships into the future.

 

I agree that I think parents influence the reaction of the kids in these situations. I'm pretty certain that it would be extremely bad if xMM tells his wife, but it's going to be extremely bad if he doesn't tell her, too. It's a no-win situation at this point. I personally don't understand the whole thing as to why kids take on so much about this, why they feel the need to reject their parents, but I guess I just think differently.

[Angel1111]

I understand your feelings about losing a best friend. I was with my cheating xH for 23 years!

 

Have you devised a plan of how to take care of YOU - should he contact you?

 

You are the only one you can count one to take the best care of you. I'm hoping you will.

 

From my own horrific experience of being to hell and back - it's best to start NEW behaviors that DO take care of you. Do completely opposite of what you normally do - THAT is likely to bring you NEW results and new beginnings that help to move forward.

 

For me - doing/saying anything remotely old behavior just set me back and made me feel like I was going backward - which caused ME so much more pain and self loathing.

 

I drank a lot in those first two years too - out of self pity - I no longer drink.

 

But I realized too - NO "friend - especially a best friend" would have hurt me so much. When I realized he only considered HIS feelings, not mine, is when I found it easier to understand he wasn't the man I THOUGHT he was.

 

He was a man lying and pretending to be someone he wasn't. He had no honor and no respect... Not for me, not for our kids and not even for himself.

 

Now, six years later - he's still beside himself that he did it and that I had the strength to divorce him. He thought I never would. I don't know where that initial strength came from - I think my gut kept telling me I deserved a man to treat me with honesty and respect - and that wasn't in his character - certainly not in his actions - so matter what he would have "said" at that juncture - I would never believe him since his actions were in such stark contrast.

 

Thanks for your thoughts about me. I'm really not overly worried about myself right now to be honest. I just feel the need to leave the company so that I'm not in their faces anymore. I'm sure his kids hate me now and I think it's better for me to go away. As far as new behaviors are concerned, I think it's obvious that I cannot maintain a friendship with xMM and keep it at that level. He will alway try to take it further and, even if I didn't cave in right away, I would eventually. History has taught me that. Aside from that, as long as he's married, it's inappropriate for me to maintain contact with him. I really don't know what the future holds for me and I can only do what I can do at this point and leave as soon as possible. I'm depressed and it's affecting my work and everything in general.

 

No one seems to understand this but I care a great deal about MM's kids. In those messages that they were able to read, where he and I talked every day, they weren't about how great things were in bed between us, they were about our everyday lives, about our kids, all kinds of things like that. Sometimes we talked about the past so, yeah, it was obvious we had had an affair; but I knew a lot about his kids and cared deeply for them. I never wanted to hurt them. I know that sounds odd given what happened but that is the truth. I should've just never let MM into my life ever.

[Angel1111]

there you go right there. you're not sorry for the affair, but sorry for the kids finding out. how does that work?

 

you(both) were hurting the kids, anyway. they just didn't know it yet! see... this is what sucks. you don't care until "sh*t hits the fan." now that you stand to lose your precious job, you realize what you've done- because it directly affects YOU! that's selfishness.

 

i'm not trying to bash you. it's the truth!

 

Yeah, you're on to me, Artie. I think you should change your name to Sherlock because you really cracked the case here. I didn't and don't care about anyone but myself. You're a genius!

[Angel1111]

They feel betrayed, pissed off, let down, hurt. The image and the father they believed in for so long has been shattered. The trust and respect will never be the same. It's sad for them and it's going to take a lot of patience, understanding, counselling and honesty to work through this.

 

Try not to get sucked into his life, his family life in how they cope and deal with this. Don't try to predict a divorce or hope he'll come to you in the future. Focus on letting go and own your grief, the loss of him in your life. Rely on good friends and family (even do counselling to help you through too) for support and keep posting here.

 

Book 2 weeks of holidays. Just do it. You need this time to calm down and deal with all that's going on. Plus you don't want to be around at work with his son right now. That's just a bomb waiting to go off..

 

Be good to yourself and reach out to friends not only for a shoulder but to take you out and make you laugh, forget about your pain. Isolating yourself is not a good thing.

 

If I could ever say anything healing to you, whichway, it would be that I hope someday you can understand that what your father did was not about you. He is still the same man, he's probably a good man, and I hope you can someday go to him, hear his side of the story (not for him to make excuses, but just so that you can understand), and then forgive and heal that relationship.

 

I'm not getting sucked in, but all of you surely understand my feelings about worrying about his kids and how they're doing because I had a hand in this and because I care about them. I am not going to just detach emotionally in an instant with a man that I've know for over 12 yrs, and have had a deep emotional attachment to for 8 yrs. I know him very well in terms of how much he loves his kids. When his 18 yr old son went through a recent surgery and was in a lot of pain, MM held him in his arms and stayed with him all day and night. This man LOVES his kids, okay? Maybe he hates his marriage, maybe he was incredibly miserable and thought of me as a soft place to fall. I don't know. What I do know is that his kids are his life.

 

The irony is that he wouldn't leave his marriage because of them. I know he should've just not had an affair, that's easy to say that but none of us know what his circumstances were; none of us know the level of misery he might've felt in his marriage. I don't and I'm not going to judge him. I think he was wrong to stay in his marriage, wrong to continue to pursue something with me, I was wrong to cave in. But the truth is, he is still a good man. Our affair does not define him on every level. That's what is so ridiculous about how people see these things. All of a sudden, a perfectly wonderful person does one thing and the whole world caves in. It's not an end all, be all type thing; it's not black and white. He didn't go out and slaughter 10 high school children. He got emotionally involved with someone and found it hard to detach, to use good judgement. Why can't people just keep this stuff in perspective? Morally, yeah it wasn't a great decision. But he is still a great man. In his company, he doesn't think just about the 100 or so people who work there, he counts their kids and wives and really takes on that responsibility. He does a great deal of wonderful things. Now, all of a sudden, he's a jerk, an ass, and whatever other name people can apply to him. And I'll tell you that you're wrong. He is a good man and I know this for a fact.

 

For all of you out there with fathers who have cheated and you're currently pushing them away because of one thing they did, I think you're wrong. I think you're being overly harsh and you should understand that everyone screws up, everyone does things without thinking the consequences through, everyone deserves forgiveness. You're wasting your time and life on being pissed off about something that had absolutely nothing to do with you and you're losing out on a significant relationship because of it.

[Angel1111]

Oh Angel, I so understand the loss you feel right now. Do you have a good support system in place, people that you can talk to? Do you have a particular belief or faith that you can turn to?

 

I have friends and family to talk to. Thanks for asking. I'll be ok.

[alexandria35]

 

For all of you out there with fathers who have cheated and you're currently pushing them away because of one thing they did, I think you're wrong. I think you're being overly harsh and you should understand that everyone screws up, everyone does things without thinking the consequences through, everyone deserves forgiveness. You're wasting your time and life on being pissed off about something that had absolutely nothing to do with you and you're losing out on a significant relationship because of it.

 

Everyone carrys out the same lie and deceit over and over again for 8 years? People are not monsters, nobody likes rejecting their parents or anyone else that they care about. Most people desperately want to forgive and heal but when the people who hurt them refuse to show any real remorse or empathy for what they did it greatly hinders the wounded parties ability to heal and let go. The paragraph really sounds remorseless to me. You think everyone who has been hurt by a parents cheating and having difficulty with that because of the cheating parents lies and hypocrisy is wrong for feeling that way. That they should just suck it up and get over it already?

 

Your MM hurt his kids. I don't understand how people can say that affairs don't have anything to do with the children, that they are not also being lied to and deceived. I bet your MM gave his children lectures and talks all their lives about being honest and forthright. I bet when they got caught in a lie he gave them stern talks about lying being wrong. I'm pretty sure he didn't say "that's okay kids. Daddy understands why you were cowardly and tried to lie your way out of this, because that's what I do to. Your mistake is that you got caught but with some practice your lies will get better, just keep at it" No I'm pretty sure he would have never been that truthful and honest, so in his kids eyes he's a big freaking hyprocrite as well as a liar and deceiver. And he and you are remorseless for their pain. You want to hide and he is saying his prayers that his kids won't break down and tell his wife. Your both all about protecting yourselfs and saving your own asses, while you lecture people about how they are wrong to have changed their opinion of someone who lies and deceived and who wants to continue doing so.

[Furious]

I think children feel betrayed, because their home, their family, their parents are the safe place to land in a turbulent world.

 

When they see it is not so, that safe place to land was just a facade, they lose trust in everything around them.

[Spark1111]

I agree that I think parents influence the reaction of the kids in these situations. I'm pretty certain that it would be extremely bad if xMM tells his wife, but it's going to be extremely bad if he doesn't tell her, too. It's a no-win situation at this point. I personally don't understand the whole thing as to why kids take on so much about this, why they feel the need to reject their parents, but I guess I just think differently.

 

Here is what kids want whether they be 5 or 25: They want Mom and Dad together and happy providing a safe and loving environment for them.

 

They could care less about your romantic happiness because you are first and foremost to them, Mom and Dad.

 

If they cannot have that, they want Mom and Dad happy apart, but still kind to each other and both providing a safe and loving environment for them.

 

The most recent studies are stating it is NOT whether mom and dad are together or apart: It is how kind they remain to each other (at least within the presence of the child) and how supportive they remain to the children.

 

In other words, it is the degree of tension, hostility and acrimony in either the marriage or the divorce that is now been identified to be the greatest source of lifelong damage to children no matter what their ages.

 

Lingering unhappiness and emotional distancing, the kind that leads to affairs, is devastating to children no matter who is perpetuating it.

 

As a child advocate, I again reiterate, the best thing you as a parent can do for your child is to fix it, fake it, or leave it honestly and with as much integrity and kindness as possible for the sake of your children.

 

Anything less is a insidious form of child abuse today.

[whichwayisup]

If I could ever say anything healing to you, whichway, it would be that I hope someday you can understand that what your father did was not about you. He is still the same man, he's probably a good man, and I hope you can someday go to him, hear his side of the story (not for him to make excuses, but just so that you can understand), and then forgive and heal that relationship.

My father didn't cheat. Ever. Sadly he passed away of cancer back in '93. My parents would still be married if he were alive today, they had a good marriage. My bestfriends father cheated. She spent a lot of time at my house to get away from her father.. That's a whole other story but not mine to tell.

 

I'm not getting sucked in, but all of you surely understand my feelings about worrying about his kids and how they're doing because I had a hand in this and because I care about them. I am not going to just detach emotionally in an instant with a man that I've know for over 12 yrs, and have had a deep emotional attachment to for 8 yrs. I know him very well in terms of how much he loves his kids. When his 18 yr old son went through a recent surgery and was in a lot of pain, MM held him in his arms and stayed with him all day and night. This man LOVES his kids, okay? Maybe he hates his marriage, maybe he was incredibly miserable and thought of me as a soft place to fall. I don't know. What I do know is that his kids are his life.

I believe you, but do yourself one favour Angel..Don't say that to them if they confront you. That you care about them. They won't see it that way at all, they will feel betrayed by you because you know them and their mother too.

 

If the guy hated his marriage so much he would have divorced. You only know what you saw in a certain setting around his family, you weren't there behind closed doors. If he hates his marriage he would now use THIS opportunity to come clean, leave and divorce her.

 

Angel, you have no choice now BUT to detach and get out of his life, especially if his wife forgives him and he chooses to stay. That should be enough to make you stop and make yourself get over him. Having you in his life is selfish of him, especially if he stays with his wife. It's a huge betrayal because his wife knows you, his kids know you.. You cannot keep a friendship with him. That part is over, hope you realize this..That he cannot be a part of your life anymore. I am sorry you're hurting so do take care of yourself.

 

I agree that I think parents influence the reaction of the kids in these situations. I'm pretty certain that it would be extremely bad if xMM tells his wife, but it's going to be extremely bad if he doesn't tell her, too. It's a no-win situation at this point. I personally don't understand the whole thing as to why kids take on so much about this, why they feel the need to reject their parents, but I guess I just think differently.

 

It's a total betrayal of the family unit. He didn't just cheat on her, he let everybody down. He pretended to be a 'family man', honourable and that was a lie for almost 9 years. Affairs just don't affect the betrayed spouse, it affects the kids and others too. Family friends, in laws, extend family, relatives, neighbours.. The guy lived a double life and now the fallout is HUGE.

 

The kids take so much on because he is their father and HE did something that has changed their life, their dynamic, their family. he let so many people down.

 

Yes you must think differently than most.

[whichwayisup]

No one seems to understand this but I care a great deal about MM's kids. In those messages that they were able to read, where he and I talked every day, they weren't about how great things were in bed between us, they were about our everyday lives, about our kids, all kinds of things like that. Sometimes we talked about the past so, yeah, it was obvious we had had an affair; but I knew a lot about his kids and cared deeply for them. I never wanted to hurt them. I know that sounds odd given what happened but that is the truth. I should've just never let MM into my life ever.

 

But they will not see it this way. If you say to them (if they confront you) "but I care about you all.." or something along those lines, they will freak out on you. Saying and doing are two different things. Your actions have shown them that you couldn't care less about them. That is different to what you feel inside. I'm sure you enjoyed hearing about them and their lives but just because you don't understand why they are that upset with their father is something you need to try to understand and empathize/sympathize with them on that. Your heart cares but the actions show otherwise. Trust me, this IS what they are feeling.

 

Book time off of work and take a holiday somewhere so you can begin your healing process.

[Angel1111]

Ok, I get it. Horrible damage has been done and I'm a part of that. It's something that I didn't anticipate. I figured if his kids found out, they'd be surprised, even shocked maybe, but I never thought it would do this kind of damage. I never thought they'd be hurt on this level or that they'd ever turn away from him. If I could undo it I would, but I can't. I don't know why so many of you think I'm remorseless about this because nothing could be further from the truth. I love xMM. I wouldn't have been with him otherwise. But I did everything wrong in that situation, so did he. At this point, I'm very, very sad that we have hurt people and apparently there's nothing I can do to make it right.

 

I know of someone who had an affair with a married man and he had children. They never found out but she had the affair. Yet she also says that she would be devastated if she ever found out that her dad cheated on her mom. I don't understand people and I don't understand double standards. Apparently there are a lot of things I don't understand.