His kids found out...

[Angel1111]

My father didn't cheat. Ever. Sadly he passed away of cancer back in '93. My parents would still be married if he were alive today, they had a good marriage. My bestfriends father cheated. She spent a lot of time at my house to get away from her father.. That's a whole other story but not mine to tell.

 

 

I believe you, but do yourself one favour Angel..Don't say that to them if they confront you. That you care about them. They won't see it that way at all, they will feel betrayed by you because you know them and their mother too.

 

If the guy hated his marriage so much he would have divorced. You only know what you saw in a certain setting around his family, you weren't there behind closed doors. If he hates his marriage he would now use THIS opportunity to come clean, leave and divorce her.

 

Angel, you have no choice now BUT to detach and get out of his life, especially if his wife forgives him and he chooses to stay. That should be enough to make you stop and make yourself get over him. Having you in his life is selfish of him, especially if he stays with his wife. It's a huge betrayal because his wife knows you, his kids know you.. You cannot keep a friendship with him. That part is over, hope you realize this..That he cannot be a part of your life anymore. I am sorry you're hurting so do take care of yourself.

 

It's a total betrayal of the family unit. He didn't just cheat on her, he let everybody down. He pretended to be a 'family man', honourable and that was a lie for almost 9 years. Affairs just don't affect the betrayed spouse, it affects the kids and others too. Family friends, in laws, extend family, relatives, neighbours.. The guy lived a double life and now the fallout is HUGE.

 

The kids take so much on because he is their father and HE did something that has changed their life, their dynamic, their family. he let so many people down.

 

Yes you must think differently than most.

 

Sorry, I must've confused something you said. Well, I'm glad that didn't happen with your dad.

 

I understand the part about it being a betrayal of the family unit and all that. And, yes, he was the poster child for 'family man' and I can see how he has truly let them down in that sense. I hope they will someday let him back in their lives fully. Maybe when he proves to them that he will never do that again and that he's truly sorry, they will. They were so close to him and did so many things with him.

 

You might not have seen my post but I sent MM a message yesterday telling him that I thought staying in touch with him at this point would be a huge insult to his kids and out of respect for them, I was bowing out of his life. You're right, I don't know anything about his marriage and I don't believe that he will ever be a part of my life. I will carry this mistake and heartbreak with me always, knowing that I participated in hurting innocent people. If any of his kids ever confront me, all I would probably say is that they're right for being angry with me and that I'm sorry. There's little else I'd be able to say.

[Angel1111]

But they will not see it this way. If you say to them (if they confront you) "but I care about you all.." or something along those lines, they will freak out on you. Saying and doing are two different things. Your actions have shown them that you couldn't care less about them. That is different to what you feel inside. I'm sure you enjoyed hearing about them and their lives but just because you don't understand why they are that upset with their father is something you need to try to understand and empathize/sympathize with them on that. Your heart cares but the actions show otherwise. Trust me, this IS what they are feeling.

 

Book time off of work and take a holiday somewhere so you can begin your healing process.

 

I said this in a previous message - that just because I don't personally understand the reaction, doesn't mean I don't think it's valid, or that I'm minimizing it. As soon as MM said his kids were hardly talking to him, I felt sick inside because it told me everything about how they felt. I'm just saying that I'm surprised by it, not that I minimize their feelings. Feelings are feelings and it's wrong to tell someone that what they feel isn't valid. I would never say that to them and I don't even think it. I feel horrible that their world has been shattered - because that is how they see it, I'm sure.

 

Based on the 6 mos of messages between MM and I that they read, I think the kids are well aware of my feelings toward them, and I never spoke badly of their mom, even when the opportunity was there. However I'm sure those things won't make a hill of beans worth of difference to them. And I won't say that to them - that I care about them. Many of you have helped me understand what I have done and how much I've hurt them.

[sunflower5]

You need to now focus on what you can do to get your life put back together.

Yep you messed up big time. Yep you hurt a lot of people. Nope you can not take it back. Nope you cant make it better. What you can do is leave them alone. Find a new job. Never contact the BS or the kids. That would be the nicest thing you can do. I am sorry is not going to even begin to cut it for them. They WILL hate you. It will be along time if ever for them to forgive you. The son will never get past it if he has to look at you at work all the time. It will be a constant reminder. I can also say when the BW finds out you staying will not be optional for MM. Not if he stays in the marriage. She will demand you go. Dont blame her. I would demand you go too. The BW is going to be its " me or her" about it if she decides to stay in the marriage. No being friends. No being co workers....nothing. You disappear from him life.

You can not control how any of them acts or any of the decisions they make. You CAN control your actions and your decisions. So focus on that.

 

I hope MM tells his wife. Espeically now that his kids know about it. He should not try to get the kids to hide it from their mother or passively sit back and let them be the one to drop the bomb on her about the affair. That would cruel of him to put his children (adult or not) in that situation.

He needs to man up and tell his wife. Then deal with the fall out. He is going to have plenty of fall out. From his wife and his kids. If the rest of the company finds out about it he will also have fall out from his employees and peers. Depends on how BW acts. She may out him to EVERYONE . Which means you get outed right along with him.

If it goes to a divorce.... be prepared for your name is be all over their divorce papers. You will be listed as the grounds for divorce. Hope your state does not have alienation of affection laws....because if it does she can legally sue you.

Good luck. I think you everyone involved in this situation is going to need it.

[Silly_Girl]

Are you serious?? You have the nerve to tell others that they are wrong because they don't or didn't handle it the way you think they should??? Really?

 

That is one of the most outrageous things I've ever read here and frankly it makes me want to puke. You have no clue in regards to the pain that a cheating father inflicts on children and furthermore you have no right to tell anyone else how to handle it. You don't grasp that the affects of it are life long.

 

SMH

 

The post isn't offensive in my view. It's an opinion on what a poster thinks is a healthy way of dealing with family issues. Like when folk here - frequently - advise NC, move on, don't waste more energy on the R, focus on the future and your own happiness. I see it the same. I'm the daughter of a man who cheated and left 2 marriages for an OW.

[Owl]

The post isn't offensive in my view. It's an opinion on what a poster thinks is a healthy way of dealing with family issues. Like when folk here - frequently - advise NC, move on, don't waste more energy on the R, focus on the future and your own happiness. I see it the same. I'm the daughter of a man who cheated and left 2 marriages for an OW.

 

And would it surprise you that others might think that this may well have have a lot of impact (conscious or not) on your choices that led you to where you are today?

[sunflower5]

It is perfectly normal for his children to be mad at him and you. They love their mother. When someone you love gets hurts you get mad at the person who hurt them. That is a normal reaction. How bad it gets is going to depend on the wife. If she blows up and is devistated the kids are going to react worse because of seeing their mother in so much pain. If she works on forgiveness, they will be more likely to forgive. But their reaction to start with is GOING to be to defend their mother and lash out out who who hurt ( you and MM).

Also forgiving "daddy" is going to be completely different than forgiving you. They love him. Have a bond with him. They are a family. That will give them a reason to forgive him in time. You on the other hand are not someone they love. Sure they know you. But they dont have a bond with you. So therefore there is NO incentive for them to forgive. So don't be surprised if years from now they have forgiven daddy but still hate your guts. Especially since they are older. Younger kids can forgive and forget better than adults.

[Owl]

You know...it's interesting when you think about it.

 

The title of this thread is: "His kids found out...".

 

These last few posts have been directly tied to that subject...in that...these are very real possible impacts of his kids finding out, especially the way that they did.

 

Whether or not the OP or anyone else agrees that how they might feel is "right" or "justified" or not...it's still very possible and even probable that this WILL impact their lives in some significant fashion.

 

It could well impact their own relationships in the future.

 

Ripple effect at it's finest.

[2sunny]

You know...it's interesting when you think about it.

 

The title of this thread is: "His kids found out...".

 

These last few posts have been directly tied to that subject...in that...these are very real possible impacts of his kids finding out, especially the way that they did.

 

Whether or not the OP or anyone else agrees that how they might feel is "right" or "justified" or not...it's still very possible and even probable that this WILL impact their lives in some significant fashion.

 

It could well impact their own relationships in the future.

 

Ripple effect at it's finest.

 

It already HAS affected them. Just for them to "be suspicious enough" to hack into his email - to find out what he's really up to tells everything.

 

The kids knew he was distracted - and focusing energy on something/someone else... Enough to go searching to what/who the source of that distraction could be...

 

Most kids to go to the extreme of checking up on the private areas of their parents. They knew they'd find something/someone when they went on that hunt.

 

When someone gets distant or distracted - there's always a good reason why.

 

They may have only been surprised about who it ended up being with...

[Silly_Girl]

And would it surprise you that others might think that this may well have have a lot of impact (conscious or not) on your choices that led you to where you are today?

 

Wouldn't surprise me that some may think that. My mum remarried and they've been together 30+ years with, I'm told, absolutely no cheating whatsoever. That also might have an impact on my choices. My next closest role model of marriage was my maternal grandparents who were happily married for 60+ years until death parted them.

 

None of those things change the fact I didn't find someone else's take on how to deal with childhood infidelity as offensive.

[Angel1111]

I'm glad you posted that Owl.......because I know my fathers history has everything to do with why I ended up on this board. Screwed up ........you betcha! Unconscious, yes, a lot of it. I go with the theory that we try to fix what was screwed up in our childhoods in the most unhealthy ways and often times do the very thing that messed us up to begin with.

 

I would say that it might be a good idea to stop blaming your father for the way your life is but then that might end up being the 2nd most outrageous thing you've ever read on this site.

 

You know what? I came from a great family but we all have issues, we all have things that screw us up - even things that seem minor. When I was a kid, I got sick a lot and my father learned to give me shots. So whenever I got sick in the middle of the night - like 2 or 3 in the morning - I would wake him up. He would drag himself out of bed and grumble about it, etc. and give me the shot. My interpretation of that was that I was a burden, a nuisance. I didn't realize this until much later in life but I'm sure that it determines a lot of my behavior. Should I blame my dad for being a little annoyed at being disturbed in the middle of the night? I don't think so. Do I need to get a handle on these issues I have that I'm don't deserve things, etc? Yep.

 

Your dad was human and did the best he could based on how he was raised, based on his interpretation of life. I could almost guarantee you that is a fact, no matter how screwed up you think he was. If you think living your life centered around the pain and anger you have towards him, I'll say it again - I think you're wrong to do that. I'm not saying you were wrong for being hurt about what he did, I'm saying that you're wrong for letting it run your life, for letting go of one of the most important relationships in your life, for not being able to forgive.

[Spark1111]

I would say that it might be a good idea to stop blaming your father for the way your life is but then that might end up being the 2nd most outrageous thing you've ever read on this site.

 

You know what? I came from a great family but we all have issues, we all have things that screw us up - even things that seem minor. When I was a kid, I got sick a lot and my father learned to give me shots. So whenever I got sick in the middle of the night - like 2 or 3 in the morning - I would wake him up. He would drag himself out of bed and grumble about it, etc. and give me the shot. My interpretation of that was that I was a burden, a nuisance. I didn't realize this until much later in life but I'm sure that it determines a lot of my behavior. Should I blame my dad for being a little annoyed at being disturbed in the middle of the night? I don't think so. Do I need to get a handle on these issues I have that I'm don't deserve things, etc? Yep.

 

Your dad was human and did the best he could based on how he was raised, based on his interpretation of life. I could almost guarantee you that is a fact, no matter how screwed up you think he was. If you think living your life centered around the pain and anger you have towards him, I'll say it again - I think you're wrong to do that. I'm not saying you were wrong for being hurt about what he did, I'm saying that you're wrong for letting it run your life, for letting go of one of the most important relationships in your life, for not being able to forgive.

 

While I respectfully agree that there are NO perfect parents, feeling like a nuisance in the middle of the night pales in comparison to discovering one of your parents lied to and was sexually unfaithful to your other parent.

 

We can have all the opinions and perceptions we want and we can choose to live in the very narrow focus of that, telling ourselves our worldview is the right one.

 

It very well may be, for us.

 

But if you truly want to know the affects of parental infidelity on children, please just google it.

 

If you can find one study by all the PH. D's, anthropologists, psychologists, MD's, published for free on the internet, that says parental infidelity is no big deal to a child, I will apologize to you and anyone else who believes this to be true.

[Drseussgrrl]

I think you need to be less concerned about his children's reaction to his infidelity, less concerned with his wife's role in the breakdown of their marriage, and leave these poor people alone to pick up the pieces.

 

To say how someone "should" be feeling about the situation is incredibly selfish, considering your role in their heartache, but then again so is sleeping with a married man for 8 years.

[Silly_Girl]

... that says parental infidelity is no big deal to a child , I will apologize to you and anyone else who believes this to be true.

 

I genuinely don't believe anyone suggested this. It might be me but it feels as though the actual words written aren't being looked at because it's a sensitive subject for many.

[Angel1111]

I genuinely don't believe anyone suggested this. It might be me but it feels as though the actual words written aren't being looked at because it's a sensitive subject for many.

 

Amen to that, SG.

[Owl]

Just to tie it all together...at the end of the day...THIS could well be the 'results' of "his kids found out...".

 

Something to consider.

 

All actions have reactions...what will be their reaction to his/your actions?

[Angel1111]

Furthermore your assumptions about how my dad did the best he can........complete and total BS, and very far from the truth Angel. Let me give you a few highlights so your erroneous assumptions can be put to the light. I went from having a dad who adored me and who I adored to one who started with his 1st affair when I was 9. That 1st affair progressed to many more, he became an alcoholic because he was so unhappy with himself. He then became physically abusive to me and my mother. He then molested me when I was 14. Was he a good man when I was little......yes he was, was he later, oh hell no. He has passed on several years ago now and you know what else Angel, when he was in the hospital dying and the few years before that, I was still his daughter who loved him and guess what Angel, I did forgive him. So............don't tell me anything else about how you think I should handle anything and don't even tell me you are sorry. I don't want to hear it. I'm at the most peaceful place I can be about it and if it's not good enough for you, that's your problem.

 

You totally missed my point. Furthermore, you made it sound like all your pain was only based on your father's affairs. Uh, you left out a few details I think. Pretty significant ones at that. Yeah, in your case, I would extract that person from my life because it wasn't just about his affairs but, more significantly, it was about his abuse and sexual molesting.

 

I've already said it - I understand that I caused pain to his childen and I am not minimizing that. But, good God, people, when you say things that indicate you won't talk to a parent for the next 100 yrs because of a stupid affair, I'm sorry, I think there comes a point when forgiveness needs to come into the picture. Sexual molestation and abuse were not things I was talking about. Yes, find some level of forgiveness for yourself but I don't advocate bringing those people back into your lives. It's all about perspective - affair vs molestation. Big difference if you ask me.

[Mimolicious]

Okay guys, let's cut the OP a little slack. She says she is remorseful and she is trying to extricate herself from the situation. Beating her up here won't help. She has been around LS for quite awhile; she knows the drill.

 

OP, I think the best thing you can do is find yourself another job and quickly. From what you post, the son/VP of your company will likely do something with this information and it might not be to your benefit.

 

Don't worry about what is going on in their marriage. That is for them to figure out. Take care of YOU and get yourself to a more stable place...professionally and emotionally.

 

The irony... this is the part that I don't get (bolded). "Let them solve their issues" yet "their issues" is what got your A on and popping. This sounds hypocritical, almost as a excuse to get away after messing up others lives. Sounds to me like people are willing to be the savior of their MM/MW yet when they get caught they leave all the drama for the innocent people to deal with. Poor kids & poor BS. THEY ALL DESERVE TO KNOW.

 

OP- did you say that you are sorry that anyone has to ever find out? I think I saw that in one of your posts. smh...

 

(T/J) HELLO LS'ers!!!!!!!! It's been forever!

[Spark1111]

Amen to that, SG.

 

Angel, just because it wasn't a big deal to you if (and I think you believe it MAY have happened. Does that mean it MAY NOT have?)) your father had an affair, you cannot project your feelings onto your MM's children or anyone else's situation.

 

You can feel bad from now until forever, but YOU cannot ask nor expect those kids to forgive as easily as you did, or to think daddy was a nice guy in spite of his infidelity, or that they will not hate you or him because that wasn't your personal experience.

 

That kind of thinking is too self-absorbed for words.

 

Obviously, many adults carry around tremendous pain from parental infidelity and continue to make poor relational choices because of it. It can be life-altering and continue in families for generations.

 

I would advise you to hope for the best, but expect the worst.

 

Seeing emails of how you showed concern for your MM's kids and did not avow yourself to bash their mom when given the opportunity will be small solace in the eyes of those children.

 

They might not think you the bad guy, but they will never think of you as the good guy, no matter how care and concern you think you felt for them.

 

The greater the affair hurts their mother, their parent's marriage, and their home life will result in direct proportion to the animosity they will carry for you and their father.

 

And I am truly sorry for you that it was never you never intended to harm them.

[Mimolicious]

You totally missed my point. Furthermore, you made it sound like all your pain was only based on your father's affairs. Uh, you left out a few details I think. Pretty significant ones at that. Yeah, in your case, I would extract that person from my life because it wasn't just about his affairs but, more significantly, it was about his abuse and sexual molesting.

 

I've already said it - I understand that I caused pain to his childen and I am not minimizing that. But, good God, people, when you say things that indicate you won't talk to a parent for the next 100 yrs because of a stupid affair, I'm sorry, I think there comes a point when forgiveness needs to come into the picture. Sexual molestation and abuse were not things I was talking about. Yes, find some level of forgiveness for yourself but I don't advocate bringing those people back into your lives. It's all about perspective - affair vs molestation. Big difference if you ask me.

 

 

You consider your affair "Stupid"? Oh just nothing... You think his kids think that his dad betraying their mother for 8 yrs with his employee is "oh such a stupid lil thing"?! WHOA! Their father didn't make an "oopsie" out of anger or something to that extend. An A for 8yrs is not a "stupid lil mistake" hone. Tell yourself whatever you need to get out of the dark and cope but don't downplay what really happened. Especially when trying to channel what or how his kids should be taking it.

 

Let's ask his kids and see what they think the difference in anger or pain is. At the end of the day, their decision is the one that really matters. Their father will have to live with it, just like he lived for 8yrs hiding his little secret from them. These are the consequences of immature and selfish parents acting with their best interest at heart and not their kids. Makes me sad.

 

Father's day is going to be real interesting.

[Snowflower]

The irony... this is the part that I don't get (bolded). "Let them solve their issues" yet "their issues" is what got your A on and popping. This sounds hypocritical, almost as a excuse to get away after messing up others lives. Sounds to me like people are willing to be the savior of their MM/MW yet when they get caught they leave all the drama for the innocent people to deal with. Poor kids & poor BS. THEY ALL DESERVE TO KNOW.

 

OP- did you say that you are sorry that anyone has to ever find out? I think I saw that in one of your posts. smh...

 

(T/J) HELLO LS'ers!!!!!!!! It's been forever!

 

Mimo..it has been forever! It's good to see you back. (end of T/J)

 

Since you quoted my post...I do agree with you by the way about "their issues" meaning the marriage between MM and his BW and "the issues" that were involved. I agree with your stance 100%

 

I always hate it when an OW talks about the aforementioned marriage like she knows everything about it. I find it nauseating, actually. It is none of her business and she should leave the damaged couple alone. I am speaking generally here and not at anyone specific in my response.

 

That is why I say "let the married couple solve their issues alone. The interloper has done enough." This includes any children involved--those are also the business of the MM and the BW--to tie back to the thread topic.

 

JMO.

[eleanorrigby]

I've already said it - I understand that I caused pain to his childen and I am not minimizing that. But, good God, people, when you say things that indicate you won't talk to a parent for the next 100 yrs because of a stupid affair, I'm sorry, I think there comes a point when forgiveness needs to come into the picture.

 

But you don't know how messed up a person is going to be when they experience infidelity in their lives. I have noticed this attitude a lot, people assuming that because they could process and move on from infidelity, that everyone else should be able to do the same.

 

What you might be able to walk away from and brush your shoulders off is what will turn someone else into a total freaking basket case.

 

What you stopped thinking about 2 months after it happened is the same thing that sent someone else to therapy for 10 years.

 

The very attitude that you carry right now is what could cause his children additional pain if they have to have contact with you. Your contempt for their pain will show on your face and be heard in your voice.

[Snowflower]

Just to tie it all together...at the end of the day...THIS could well be the 'results' of "his kids found out...".

 

Something to consider.

 

All actions have reactions...what will be their reaction to his/your actions?

 

Yep, all actions have reactions. My husband's mother cheated on his father. They divorced when my husband was young and oh, the far reaching, life changing reactions of her affair and divorce...

 

Guess how my husband and at least one of his siblings chose to handle particularly rough spots in their respective marriages...you can probably guess! And again, yet another generation of children knew something went wrong.

 

The reaction/fallout just goes on and on...

 

OP...affairs cause a lot of damage to families, not just marriages. Some of that is being demonstrated in this thread. I feel so badly for the MM family in your situation.

[whichwayisup]

Originally Posted by Angel1111

I've already said it - I understand that I caused pain to his childen and I am not minimizing that. But, good God, people, when you say things that indicate you won't talk to a parent for the next 100 yrs because of a stupid affair, I'm sorry, I think there comes a point when forgiveness needs to come into the picture.

 

The thing is, some people can forgive and move on, some can't. It all depends on the person and the situation itself. If your affair with him was 6 months or a year, then possibly their kids wouldn't be as upset at him as they are now, sure they'd be hurt and feel betrayed, let down etc., but we're talking about 8 years of daddy pretending and living a double life behind their backs.

 

Forgiveness only happens too if the person who is asking for forgiveness does A LOT of effort to make things right again. If your exMM sticks his thumb up his butt and puts minimal effort in, doesn't own what he did and come clean, do all possible to fix himself, do counselling etc. why should they forgive him? How could they ever believe a word out of his mouth?

[2sure]

I agree that forgiveness, among family, is something that just HAS to come. I get that.

 

But you know OP, the infidelity thing was never as big of a deal to you as it is to his kids.

 

You get that it was wrong, you get that it hurts.

 

But there is no reason for you to think you have any grasp at all on the way they perceive it, the way it makes them feel, or the way they react.

 

And you know what? Thats OK. Its easy enough to say hey, if you really understood that it was wrong - you wouldnt have been OW. But your perspective is different now. You are not OW. You are no longer participating.

 

Lets talk about YOU!

[MissBee]

I think you need to be less concerned about his children's reaction to his infidelity, less concerned with his wife's role in the breakdown of their marriage, and leave these poor people alone to pick up the pieces.

 

To say how someone "should" be feeling about the situation is incredibly selfish, considering your role in their heartache, but then again so is sleeping with a married man for 8 years.

 

Yea. The best thing to do is to exit stage left.

 

It is very brazen and audacious to participate in an affair for years, then when it all comes to light, decide that kids need to just forget it, forgive and move on. Hopefully the MM doesn't hold the same views, because if he does, his kids may resent him even more. You don't get to cause someone's pain then also determine how and when they should deal with that.

 

Reminds me of my ex...after he did all his dirt, he really had the nerve to tell me that I needed to forgive him. Excuse me? That is NOT for him to decide. I eventually did and am completely indifferent to him, but the fact that he felt justified to demand forgiveness was quite something else. My check on whether or not someone is truly remorseful and also understands what they've done, is when they apologize and leave it at that. Any justification, demands, etc. means they don't get it at all and are still concerned with it's effect on them and still wanting to not feel like the bad person.

 

In any case Angel, I did dole out my honest opinion at the beginning, what is being said now, I have whole other feelings about that. But I stand by my earlier posts, when I sadid that you did the right thing by deleting him and deciding to move forward. It is all in his hands now what happens after this. I disagree with your assessment of infidelity and how it should/shouldn't affect kids and all that...yet those are your opinions to hold, and it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things, as unless you were saying this to his kids then your opinion doesn't affect what will actually happen in their situation. Your prior actions will...but moving forward, he will bare the brunt of this, not you and what happens with him and them won't have anything to do with what you think.

Edited June 12, 2012 by MissBee