His kids found out...

[KathyM]

I don't think Angel should be the one to tell. I think he should. Her telling could be interpreted in all kinds of ways. And the truth is, she feels an allegiance to this MM...rightly or wrongly, so she won't do this. I wouldn't do it either. His kids already know the truth, so if they want to tell their mom, they can and the MM also has to weigh it in light of pressure from his kids. I don't think it will remain a secret much longer because his kids know. I don't think Angel should swoop in and be the one to tell.

 

Him admitting it himself or the kids telling mom seems like a better deal than for the woman whom your husband has been with for 8 years, and whom you've previously accused of chasing him being the one to ring you up or email you. I frankly would feel even more upset and insulted by this and would feel it disingenuous of her to be shagging my man for 8 years and now having an attack of conscience and deciding to phone me up or shoot me a note. (Sorry to put it that way Angel, I'm just thinking of how I'd feel in that situation and am not specifically talking about you).

The kids shouldn't be the ones to make that decision. This is a decision for the adults to handle. The MM is a coward and wants to have his cake and eat it too. He's not going to tell. Therefore, the OP should be the one to tell. That's likely the only way the wife will know the truth. Otherwise, the kids will have to suffer with the burden of this knowledge on their own, and won't have their mother to help them with it. It needs to be brought out into the open, and the OP is probably the only one who will do it.

[Angel1111]

Awww Angel ((hugs))

 

You did do the right thing, and believe me, the right thing doesn't always feel good.

 

It's a win win for you. He is in a world of mess that he must sort through and you being in the picture may make that a lot harder. If he smooths things over and reconciles then tries to restart the A, then you'll know for yourself what you need to do, since you'll have had your own space to clear your head.

 

Thank you.

[Angel1111]

The kids shouldn't be the ones to make that decision. This is a decision for the adults to handle. The MM is a coward and wants to have his cake and eat it too. He's not going to tell. Therefore, the OP should be the one to tell. That's likely the only way the wife will know the truth. Otherwise, the kids will have to suffer with the burden of this knowledge on their own, and won't have their mother to help them with it. It needs to be brought out into the open, and the OP is probably the only one who will do it.

 

I agree that it's not the kids place to tell but it absolutely isn't mine either. In my email I did tell him that I thought the lie was too much for his kids to carry. It's his call. That information absolutely will not come from me though.

[Angel1111]

I know the politics of the workplace and know that "reasons" can be found concerning your termination, BUT you would have a good case based on this situation should you have to take it to the labor board.

 

If his son is the VP and a good VP, then he should consider your work record rather than personal issues, that IMO is the professional way to handle things...

 

It sounds to me like his kids put him on a pedestal, and because of this they may never accept him again, BUT this is his issue and yes it is sad. He is human...although I kinda wonder why he did not allow his kids to see other sides of him, it tells me he might not have been real with them. Who knows, they may forgive him though...I really hope they do for all of their sakes.

 

Angel, I am not sure if you remember my story, although I went through a similar thing with (now DM) MM's kids. I had been in NC for quite sometime and a "d-day" occured... he worked it so that he wasn't the bad guy and actually his kids were relieved when they finally divorced. One of his kids told me that that "they hate each other".

 

I'm kinda thinking that in this case he needs to tell his wife. At some point I think his daughter will tell her. Wow, if I were him though I'd be pissed that his daughter did that to begin with, that is quite nosey and unacceptable IMO.

 

I'm glad to see you Angel, I just wish it was under better circumstances:(

 

(((((((((hugs girl)))))))

 

Yeah of course I remember you! Yes I agree that he either needs to tell his wife, or leave his marriage. If he tells, it's going to be bad. The daughter isn't the one who got into his fb, it was his son. MM doesn't know how he did it but I agree that it was invasive. But would you really have that conversation with your kid when they're confronting you about an affair? Thanks for your kind words.

[KathyM]

I agree that it's not the kids place to tell but it absolutely isn't mine either. In my email I did tell him that I thought the lie was too much for his kids to carry. It's his call. That information absolutely will not come from me though.

Suit yourself, but at least you broke it off with him now. Now he can deal with the fallout of the situation he created. Hopefully someone will clue in the wife so she doesn't waste her life with some sleezebag without ever knowing the truth. I don't like to see kids being put in the position to have to put the truth out there because the adults in the situation are not willing to own their sh*it. My family when I was a child had the situation where my sister and I at 12 years old had to inform the BS of an affair her husband had with my older sister, after none of the adults, including my parents would deal with it and put a stop to it. (My older sister was 18 at the time). Not right to put kids in that position of having to be more of a grown up than the adults in the situation.

[Angel1111]

Kidding yourself/denial is a tool for psychological preservation. Sometimes people have to kid themselves until they can handle the reality. Most of us have done it at one point or another.

 

Whether or not she should have known is an interesting thing to bring up, as even if she did, what would you have her do? Call him out? She could have...maybe she should have....but then it's hard for me not to point it right back at the MM and say, why be passive aggressive and cheat and hope your spouse finds out instead of just telling them you're done or are unhappy? Why should a WS's cheating be turned into "Well as the BS maybe you should have known?" It totally shifts the blame. The WS you are no better....his BS is clueless and he's unscrupulous...doesn't make for a pretty family portrait in any light

 

I'm not putting the blame on her for not knowing about the affair. I'm saying that people can be incredibly dumb when they have lousy marriages but somehow convince themselves that it's ok. I've seen them in the same room together for more than 8 hrs - they never spoke, never once communicated. It was like a cold war. But yeah because he had an affair, she's no longer accountable for any part she had in the destruction of their marriage right? I'm not saying that MM was right in what he did, not was I. I'm just saying that our wrongs don't make her suddenly completely right. But now she's the consummate victim. I don't buy it but most people will.

Edited June 11, 2012 by Angel1111

[MissBee]

I'm not putting the blame on her for not knowing about the affair. I'm saying that people can be incredibly dumb when they have lousy marriages but somehow convince themselves that it's ok. I've seen them in the same room together for more than 8 hrs - they never spoke, never once communicated. It was like a cold war. But yeah because he had an affair, she's no longer accountable for any part she had in the destruction of their marriage right? I'm not saying that MM was right in what he did, not was I. I'm just saying that our wrongs don't make her suddenly completely right. But now she's the consummate victim. I don't buy it but most people will.

 

I'm not saying that at all.We weren't talking about what she did or didn't do...I can only talk about what you said about him and you. Your thread was discussing him and his kids strained relationship because of the A....that's his mistake and his doing, regardless of what the wife did or didn't do. Whatever she did wrong, her kids aren't mad at her for it, but his kids are mad at him for what he did/is doing. It's not as if this topic was a presentation of his fault and hers and we were to discuss who was more wrong. I don't really get where you're coming from about her being completely right and a victim frankly, as I don't think any of the previous responses were about that, unless I missed it. For me specifically, at no point did I imply that. All I said was that he needs to figure out his life, tell the truth (which are things you said too) and that while she may be clueless, he's also unscrupulous, so neither make a good picture. My responses weren't giving any care to whether or not she is a victim or right...my responses were geared towards you and him and how to navigate this latest scenario.

Edited June 11, 2012 by MissBee

[woinlove]

Sorry to hear about this mess, Angel, and I think you did the right thing by stopping all contact.

 

It is always particularly sad to hear of infidelity and the deception affecting children, and while these children sound like they are adults now, the history they are likely trying to reconcile - image MM presented to them versus reality - may extend into years they were living with him. I hope he starts being more honest and that they all get counselling to help them through this mess. But, that ball is in his court, and I hope you find the strength and resolve to stay NC with him.

 

I also would try not to think about possible fault of his W. Right now, his children are likely questioning their past with their father, so one hopes they have no reason to question their past with their mother too. There are no indications that they do.

Edited June 11, 2012 by woinlove

[seren]

Angel, I think it is understandable, but totally wrong that you should have to look for another job. The phrase It Takes Two to Tango certainly apllies and while I can understand it will be uncomfortable and maybe difficult for you, I don't see why you should have to change jobs, especially now when you are obviously hurt.

 

I might and it is a big might, forgive my H if his A had been for 8 yrs, that would take some serious work and I am not sure I would be up for it, 8 months was hard enough. But, I might forgive in time, however, I would never forgive my H if he expected or went along with my child keeping a secret from me. The turmoil those children, even if they are adults, must be feeling should not be underestimated. They can never heal while the secret is still being hidden. The MM needs to step up, grow some and do the father thing and tell his wife what has been happening and how the children know. This as soon as possible to limit any further damage to their relationship.

 

Some of us BS really do not know what is happening, gaslighting if done effectively is henious, it makes a person wonder if they are insane, imagining things and so MM must have done some pretty effective lying to maintain an 8 yr A. IMO, he needs to decide if he is going to put all his energies into either his relationship with you or man up, tell his wife and take what is coming his way.

 

I hope all goes well for you and that you find peace also have you had a conversation with his son regarding your job? not the A, that's not your responsibility, but it might clear the air, take someone with you that you trust and don't take any anger, he needs to direct that at his father. I hope you have IRL support, but cut all ties now. Anyone who can string another on for 8 yrs is not a good person, no matter how you cut it.

[YellowShark]

I read the responses and marvel at the lack of ownership taken by you Angel. You were the party who helped make all of this possible. For 8 years!!! You became involved with the married boss at your work, and you helped him drive a bus over his wife and kids. Yet you seem to take little or no reponsibility for your actions.

 

Had you rebuffed his advances in the beginning none of this would have happened. Don't get involved with married men, and never fish of the company pier. The result is what you are experiencing now.

 

Ya, go ahead a flame me folks but this isn't rocket science. And I always marvel at the transfer of ownership by the affair partner when things go bad. I know if I play with fire I will get burnt. Everything you are experiencing now is your own doing. Had you not done what you did willingly there would be no lost job, no fallout with the kids, and no betrayed wife in YOUR life right now.

 

Yes he is responsible for his part in all this. But so are you. Had you not had an affair with the married boss at work for 8 years, and kept in contact with him on Stupidbook even when it ended.. your life would be ok. So own what YOU did to make all this a reality.

Edited June 11, 2012 by YellowShark

[Art_Critic]

I'm currently looking for another job.

 

Wouldn't it be easier to just stop talking to your xMM ?

 

Solved..

 

The rest will take care of itself.. don't worry about the work stuff, as long as you take care of your own house then it will all work out.

[Angel1111]

I know the politics of the workplace and know that "reasons" can be found concerning your termination, BUT you would have a good case based on this situation should you have to take it to the labor board.

 

If his son is the VP and a good VP, then he should consider your work record rather than personal issues, that IMO is the professional way to handle things...

 

It sounds to me like his kids put him on a pedestal, and because of this they may never accept him again, BUT this is his issue and yes it is sad. He is human...although I kinda wonder why he did not allow his kids to see other sides of him, it tells me he might not have been real with them. Who knows, they may forgive him though...I really hope they do for all of their sakes.

 

Angel, I am not sure if you remember my story, although I went through a similar thing with (now DM) MM's kids. I had been in NC for quite sometime and a "d-day" occured... he worked it so that he wasn't the bad guy and actually his kids were relieved when they finally divorced. One of his kids told me that that "they hate each other".

 

I'm kinda thinking that in this case he needs to tell his wife. At some point I think his daughter will tell her. Wow, if I were him though I'd be pissed that his daughter did that to begin with, that is quite nosey and unacceptable IMO.

 

I'm glad to see you Angel, I just wish it was under better circumstances:(

 

(((((((((hugs girl)))))))

 

Btw you are so right about his kids putting him on a pedestal. Those were his exact words to me the last time we spoke. But the funny thing is, his daughter actually made a joke awhile back about how things were going to get interesting between her parents once the youngest went off to college (which happens this fall). I think they know that their parents have a strained marriage but it's different when that reality comes in this form.

[Angel1111]

I'm not saying that at all.We weren't talking about what she did or didn't do...I can only talk about what you said about him and you. Your thread was discussing him and his kids strained relationship because of the A....that's his mistake and his doing, regardless of what the wife did or didn't do. Whatever she did wrong, her kids aren't mad at her for it, but his kids are mad at him for what he did/is doing. It's not as if this topic was a presentation of his fault and hers and we were to discuss who was more wrong. I don't really get where you're coming from about her being completely right and a victim frankly, as I don't think any of the previous responses were about that, unless I missed it. For me specifically, at no point did I imply that. All I said was that he needs to figure out his life, tell the truth (which are things you said too) and that while she may be clueless, he's also unscrupulous, so neither make a good picture. My responses weren't giving any care to whether or not she is a victim or right...my responses were geared towards you and him and how to navigate this latest scenario.

 

Sorry - I knew you weren't saying that. That was me just rambling.

[whichwayisup]

Btw you are so right about his kids putting him on a pedestal. Those were his exact words to me the last time we spoke. But the funny thing is, his daughter actually made a joke awhile back about how things were going to get interesting between her parents once the youngest went off to college (which happens this fall). I think they know that their parents have a strained marriage but it's different when that reality comes in this form.

 

Many kids put their parents on pedistools, especially daughters towards their fathers. Though the older we get, we see flaws and realize that our parents are not invincible, or perfect. And to some, that's a huge let down.

 

When it comes to infidelity, and finding out that the parent you absolutely adore has been cheating, to them it's not only 'my dad was cheating on my mom' reaction, it's a betrayal of the family unit as one. So yeah, your exMM's kids probably now have less respect for their father and see him in a new light. They have every right to be hurt and disappointed in their dad. To find out he wasn't the 'family man' he once appeared to be is a stinger!

 

Miss Bee, sorry to hear about your dad..

[2sunny]

So now the kids know the truth about Dads integrity - or lack of...

 

And YOU are part of that by how YOU participated.

 

It may be best to distance yourself from the betrayal forever! You helped break apart the family they THOUGHT they HAD!

[Angel1111]

Angel, I think it is understandable, but totally wrong that you should have to look for another job. The phrase It Takes Two to Tango certainly apllies and while I can understand it will be uncomfortable and maybe difficult for you, I don't see why you should have to change jobs, especially now when you are obviously hurt.

 

I might and it is a big might, forgive my H if his A had been for 8 yrs, that would take some serious work and I am not sure I would be up for it, 8 months was hard enough. But, I might forgive in time, however, I would never forgive my H if he expected or went along with my child keeping a secret from me. The turmoil those children, even if they are adults, must be feeling should not be underestimated. They can never heal while the secret is still being hidden. The MM needs to step up, grow some and do the father thing and tell his wife what has been happening and how the children know. This as soon as possible to limit any further damage to their relationship.

 

Some of us BS really do not know what is happening, gaslighting if done effectively is henious, it makes a person wonder if they are insane, imagining things and so MM must have done some pretty effective lying to maintain an 8 yr A. IMO, he needs to decide if he is going to put all his energies into either his relationship with you or man up, tell his wife and take what is coming his way.

 

I hope all goes well for you and that you find peace also have you had a conversation with his son regarding your job? not the A, that's not your responsibility, but it might clear the air, take someone with you that you trust and don't take any anger, he needs to direct that at his father. I hope you have IRL support, but cut all ties now. Anyone who can string another on for 8 yrs is not a good person, no matter how you cut it.

 

I completely agree with you. He is taking too much of a risk not telling her himself. If she finds out that the kids know and he didn't tell her, that's likely more unforgivable than anything. There have been too many lies and they need to wipe the slate clean if there's any hope of surviving this.

[Angel1111]

I read the responses and marvel at the lack of ownership taken by you Angel. You were the party who helped make all of this possible. For 8 years!!! You became involved with the married boss at your work, and you helped him drive a bus over his wife and kids. Yet you seem to take little or no reponsibility for your actions.

 

Had you rebuffed his advances in the beginning none of this would have happened. Don't get involved with married men, and never fish of the company pier. The result is what you are experiencing now.

 

Ya, go ahead a flame me folks but this isn't rocket science. And I always marvel at the transfer of ownership by the affair partner when things go bad. I know if I play with fire I will get burnt. Everything you are experiencing now is your own doing. Had you not done what you did willingly there would be no lost job, no fallout with the kids, and no betrayed wife in YOUR life right now.

 

Yes he is responsible for his part in all this. But so are you. Had you not had an affair with the married boss at work for 8 years, and kept in contact with him on Stupidbook even when it ended.. your life would be ok. So own what YOU did to make all this a reality.

 

That's because you probably haven't been around over the years when I have beat myself up over this. I take just as much blame as anyone and used to take it all on myself. It's a moot point at this stage. If I could turn back the clocks, I would. I am more sorry than anyone will ever know.

[whichwayisup]

I completely agree with you. He is taking too much of a risk not telling her himself. If she finds out that the kids know and he didn't tell her, that's likely more unforgivable than anything. There have been too many lies and they need to wipe the slate clean if there's any hope of surviving this.

 

I don't think you should focus on their marriage and what will or won't happen there. Focus on you letting go and cutting him out of your life. You say the A is over but you are very much emotionally attached and invested in him. The physical part may have ended but the emotional part is there, making this STILL an affair, an emotional one.. Detach and back off. Grieve the loss Angel and try not to let yourself get sucked into their fallout..though be prepared for the phonecall from his wife..IF that happens, own your part in all this. His kids know who you are due to facebook. Consider blocking not only your exMM but them too.

[Angel1111]

Wouldn't it be easier to just stop talking to your xMM ?

 

Solved..

 

The rest will take care of itself.. don't worry about the work stuff, as long as you take care of your own house then it will all work out.

 

I really hope you're right but I will keep searching for a job. I need to get away from all of this. I made this mess and didn't consider how it would jeopardize my job.

[whichwayisup]

That's because you probably haven't been around over the years when I have beat myself up over this. I take just as much blame as anyone and used to take it all on myself. It's a moot point at this stage. If I could turn back the clocks, I would. I am more sorry than anyone will ever know.

 

All the more reason now to work on forgiving yourself, finding peace with all this and moving on.. You made mistakes, some bad choices..Now is the time to correct it all and definately look for another job. Sure it sucks to have to do that, but it is part of the big consquence of getting involved with someone you work with who is married. And has family members working there too.. The son being the VP of the company.. The fallout for you, your reputation if everybody finds out isn't going to be easy for you to handle and deal with at work.

[Angel1111]

I don't think you should focus on their marriage and what will or won't happen there. Focus on you letting go and cutting him out of your life. You say the A is over but you are very much emotionally attached and invested in him. The physical part may have ended but the emotional part is there, making this STILL an affair, an emotional one.. Detach and back off. Grieve the loss Angel and try not to let yourself get sucked into their fallout..though be prepared for the phonecall from his wife..IF that happens, own your part in all this. His kids know who you are due to facebook. Consider blocking not only your exMM but them too.

 

Yes good points. I am still very much attached to him. I am prepared for one of the kids to call me and I won't make excuses for what I did if that happens. Same with his wife - although I'm more prepared for her to drive to my office and shoot me. How could I have done this - hurting so many people and myself. They all know me. I've worked at the company for 10 years and have met them all. But yes I need to detach and just disappear.

[whichwayisup]

Yes good points. I am still very much attached to him. I am prepared for one of the kids to call me and I won't make excuses for what I did if that happens. Same with his wife - although I'm more prepared for her to drive to my office and shoot me. How could I have done this - hurting so many people and myself. They all know me. I've worked at the company for 10 years and have met them all. But yes I need to detach and just disappear.

 

You know what has to be done now.

 

If you need help for dealing with all this and are overwhelmed, don't be afraid to seek some counselling.

[Artie Lang]

you're only sorry because you got caught.

 

if his kids didn't know any better, you'd still be knee-deep in this affair.

 

this is not considered guilt or remorse. you're just thinking self-preservation here.

 

"you reap what you sow."

[2sunny]

So now the kids know the truth about Dads integrity - or lack of...

 

And YOU are part of that by how YOU participated.

 

It may be best to distance yourself from the betrayal forever! You helped break apart the family they THOUGHT they HAD!

 

Own your behavior and how YOU participated.

 

If I were his wife - I would want to know the truth.

 

Best to call and be honest with her.

[whichwayisup]

you're only sorry because you got caught.

 

if his kids didn't know any better, you'd still be knee-deep in this affair.

 

this is not considered guilt or remorse. you're just thinking self-preservation here.

 

"you reap what you sow."

 

There's no point in pouring salt into her wounds. She feels bad enough and to me, she is genuinally remorseful. She so far has changed things by deleting him off of facebook and is going to look for another job. That's pro active and positive for her.