Cut contact, still keeps my stuff. What the hell?

[PissOfMind]

6 months ago my ex cut contact with me. It was out of the blue, but I managed to figure him out. As a classic model of an unavailable guy, he just couldn't help pulling on disappearing act once things started getting too serious (mind you, "things getting serious" meant planning holiday together. He showed his inabilty to commit on many other occasions too, disappearing was just the ultimate statement of his. And yes I know he is alive).

 

 

He has not contacted me since December. Since I have my dignity, I haven't contacted him either. Frankly speaking, at some point I realised that he did me a favour by showing me who he really was. Nevertheless, he still has my stuff, a book that is quite important to me since it is a gift that I received from my friend. I decided I did not want to use the fact that he still has this book as an excuse to pursue him. I don't even want to see him or talk to him, because his actions spoke louder than words. I just want him to send me the book and have a clean break, which actually didn't happen since he simply disappeared. I just wrote him a very short message in which I asked him to send me the book, gave him my address, said thanks, and that was it. After a few weeks still no response. Why in hell can't he just give me my stuff back?! I would understand his behaviour if I harassed him or something, but I didn't even say a word for the last 6 months and the last conversation we had was everything but hostile. I am afraid that once I have moved on with my life and have completely forgotten about him, he will suddenly return, suddenly willing to get my stuff back just to mess with me once more and that's what I want to avoid. Actually, I want him to be sure that's over and get rid of any excuse to contact him ever again. Anyway, since he ignores me , I still feel kinda stuck in a limbo. Ok, if he doesn't give it back to me, I will let it go. I am not going to remind him of that again, I am not that desperate. Still, do you think that his behaviour is passive-aggressive? What the hell does he think? Why can't he just give it back to me if he cut contact himself and apparently kicked me out of his life?

 

 

 

Thank you for all your advice and answers, as far as I know, there are many helpful and truly wise people in this community:)

[Philosoraptor]

Maybe he doesn't know or forgot about the book? Maybe he got upset and ditched it?

 

Get a friend to get it for you if you don't want to contact him.

[PissOfMind]

well, I don't want him to think that I am afraid of him or something so that I need some friend's help...I am more curious why he ignored the message I sent him . I am actually making it possible for him to get rid of me for good, so to speak, but he apparently has no respect for me whatsoever and it really bothers me.

[Art_Critic]

Nevertheless, he still has my stuff, a book that is quite important to me since it is a gift that I received from my friend.

 

Really ?.... let the book go... Barnes and Noble, go buy another book and stop using the book for a reason to contact your ex and things will feel much better to you.

[Philosoraptor]

well, I don't want him to think that I am afraid of him or something so that I need some friend's help...I am more curious why he ignored the message I sent him . I am actually making it possible for him to get rid of me for good, so to speak, but he apparently has no respect for me whatsoever and it really bothers me.

Why let someone who doesn't respect you bother you? The lack of respect is their character flaw, not a slight against you.

 

And again, who cares what he thinks about you? Do what is best for you both mentally and emotionally, not what will make you look the best to someone else.

[PissOfMind]

Philosoraprtor, you are right. The question shoud be: why bother. Still, I have to disagree with Critic, if I managed to shut up for such a long time , it definitely means that I really have no desire to see or talk to him anymore. This is also why I want him to post the book instead of giving it to me or something, cos I don't feel like meeting him. I am simply pissed off that someone can have so little decency and I wish I could understand at least some of his motives. I guess it would help me a lot.

[Art_Critic]

Still, I have to disagree with Critic,

 

 

Of course ...

 

I wish you the best.. if you want to end the feelings you have and move on then do just that.. move on.. forget about the book and place the ex in your past and stop giving him any space in your present...

[geegirl]

Philosoraprtor, you are right. The question shoud be: why bother. Still, I have to disagree with Critic, if I managed to shut up for such a long time , it definitely means that I really have no desire to see or talk to him anymore. This is also why I want him to post the book instead of giving it to me or something, cos I don't feel like meeting him. I am simply pissed off that someone can have so little decency and I wish I could understand at least some of his motives. I guess it would help me a lot.

 

It's a book. If you have to put that much thought into this, then it's obvious that this man still affects you, whether emotionally or not, you should just let this one die.

 

You are expecting decency from him over a book when he cut you out of the blue and played disappearing games on you? Where's the decency in that? Don't expect when they don't have it in them to give, then and now. You will not understand his motives so best to move on rather than hold on, guessing.

Edited June 11, 2012 by geegirl

[PissOfMind]

Yeah, you're right, I am angry with him, this is the only emotion I need to deal with when it comes to our "breakup".

Not going to cry over the book obviously, even though, I have my reasons to need it back (friend's dedication blah blah).

 

I know it's strange and perhaps unvbelievable but actually I don't want or expect him to write me a message, or even say a word, I just want my things back NOW, so that he will not appear sometime later. After all, something tells me this is what happens when "disappeareing people" still have something that's yours.

 

Why am I so afraid of his great "comeback"? In the past I used to struggle with many yo-yo boyfriends. Well, they did not disappear like this one, but certainly liked coming back after behaving nasty and liked using some pathetic excuses to re-establish the contact. Now I'd like to make sure it won't happen. Or maybe I am afraid of my own weakness.

 

Btw, i'm not a native speaker of English, so some of my informal expressions may sound clumsy, but I guess you get the point;) and thanks for all your comments;)

[geegirl]

Yeah, you're right, I am angry with him, this is the only emotion I need to deal with when it comes to our "breakup".

Not going to cry over the book obviously, even though, I have my reasons to need it back (friend's dedication blah blah).

 

I know it's strange and perhaps unvbelievable but actually I don't want or expect him to write me a message, or even say a word, I just want my things back NOW, so that he will not appear sometime later. After all, something tells me this is what happens when "disappearing people" still have something that's yours.

 

Why am I so afraid of his great "comeback"? In the past I used to struggle with many yo-yo boyfriends. Well, they did not disappear like this one, but certainly liked coming back after behaving nasty and liked using some pathetic excuses to re-establish the contact. Now I'd like to make sure it won't happen. Or maybe I am afraid of my own weakness.

 

Btw, i'm not a native speaker of English, so some of my informal expressions may sound clumsy, but I guess you get the point;) and thanks for all your comments;)

 

"Stuff" is commonly used as a doorway for contact. Whether that's his agenda or not is not your concern because people will do whatever they need to do to bust your boundaries or give you an annoying mind f***. It's up to you to identify that, and move on.

 

Possession of your book shouldn't derail you nor keep you holding on because he can make his great comeback, book or not. Let the book go.

 

I understand you are afraid of your own weaknesses, and I have been there too but at some point you have to find your strengths. Six months have gone by and by now you should be recognizing how wrong and unhealthy it was for you.

 

This yo-yo will never stabilize.

[PissOfMind]

You're absolutely right. See, for some of you the conclusions that should be drawn from this story are quite obvious, but it's very helpful to me to hear other people's opinions cos I generally keep my feelings and thoughts to myself . I don't want to bother friends and ask them questions which would probably make them roll their eyes;) I can say that after 6 months I have moved on but sometimes ( like today;P) I think that after all, this whole thing is not over and it makes me confused and anxious and I can't really say why.

[Tiera D]

as long your not begging and crying you are pretty much moving on,i say buy a new book.he could disappear suddenly,do you think he will return you your book?But i think you already had a mindset what to do next so keep the NC going

 

TD

[geegirl]

I can say that after 6 months I have moved on but sometimes ( like today;P) I think that after all, this whole thing is not over and it makes me confused and anxious and I can't really say why.

 

 

You may be moving on but somewhere deep down you still have hope and still have remnants of emotions. It's normal to feel this way. There were times after my break-up that I felt I was finally free only to stumble here and there. If he gave you back the book, would it have been over? Don't let a book define your truth and your reality. The thing is it was over for him when he let you go so coldly. Keep NC and please try not to derail yourself by allowing trivial issues to get in the way of your healing.

[PissOfMind]

This is the first time in my whole life that I've been treated like that (even though I'm really experienced in dealing with freaks;P) and probably that's why I am still processing things that happened. My biggest achievement so far is that I don't blame myself for anything...or maybe just for not having been able to recognize a person that would be so disrespectful and able to act that way... sometimes I still try to find a rationale behind this behaviour, figure his tactics out or something..I guess it would make me feel better about myself.

 

Yeah, the book is not that important, it's just a book, but this has become an issue to me since I don't want him to think so highly of himself that I could ask him for something that is mine and he may not respond or will respond when he feels like it. Maybe that's irrational but I can see manipulation even in this "silent treatment".

 

NC will be definitely maintained. No need to grovel.

[geegirl]

This is the first time in my whole life that I've been treated like that (even though I'm really experienced in dealing with freaks;P) and probably that's why I am still processing things that happened. My biggest achievement so far is that I don't blame myself for anything...or maybe just for not having been able to recognize a person that would be so disrespectful and able to act that way... sometimes I still try to find a rationale behind this behaviour, figure his tactics out or something..I guess it would make me feel better about myself.

 

Yeah, the book is not that important, it's just a book, but this has become an issue to me since I don't want him to think so highly of himself that I could ask him for something that is mine and he may not respond or will respond when he feels like it. Maybe that's irrational but I can see manipulation even in this "silent treatment".

 

NC will be definitely maintained. No need to grovel.

 

The silent treatment IS manipulation.

[PissOfMind]

But if it IS, what does he want to achieve? After all, manipualtors have their reasons to manipulate. Maybe this is a stupid question but I can't comprehend it. He wants me to manipulate me to do what? Beg him, pester him, forget him?

[Jose11]

As much as the book meant to you, Just forget about it. Unless it was something medical, which you sincerly needed to live, just consider the book a casulty of war. Keep the NC going and don't let him use it to get in contact with you in the future.

[PissOfMind]

As much as the book meant to you, Just forget about it. Unless it was something medical, which you sincerly needed to live, QUOTE]

 

Haha, that was good!

 

yeah, I get your point, you need to sacrifice some things in the name of your own sanity. Still, I will be very happy to know why such people choose to manipulate others and why they do it in such a way!

[geegirl]

But if it IS, what does he want to achieve? After all, manipualtors have their reasons to manipulate. Maybe this is a stupid question but I can't comprehend it. He wants me to manipulate me to do what? Beg him, pester him, forget him?

 

I don't know what he wants to achieve, POM, but understand that giving someone the silent treatment is cruel and abusive and has an underlying motive. It could be that he wants to punish you for ego's sake. It could be that he wants to infuse curiosity in you. It could be that he wants to keep you holding on (mission accomplished) until he makes a comeback. It could be his need to keep you guessing. It could be because he's hoping for a reaction.

 

You can't comprehend it because it is not in your make to behave in such ways. If you are a manipulator, then you will comprehend manipulative behavior. You're not so you're seeking answers that only someone like him can answer. You have to stop looking for answers from him as you will never find it. His "truth" will not set you free. You have to find your own closure and your own truth and reality and use that to propel yourself away from him. Trying to discover whys so that you can piece it together is futile. You can't connect the dots when you're dealing with someone that does not have the emotional maturity or capacity to do right by you, then and now.

[PissOfMind]

I don't know what he wants to achieve, POM, but understand that giving someone the silent treatment is cruel and abusive and has an underlying motive. It could be that he wants to punish you for ego's sake. It could be that he wants to infuse curiosity in you. It could be that he wants to keep you holding on (mission accomplished) until he makes a comeback. It could be his need to keep you guessing. It could be because he's hoping for a reaction.

 

You can't comprehend it because it is not in your make to behave in such ways. If you are a manipulator, then you will comprehend manipulative behavior. You're not so you're seeking answers that only someone like him can answer. You have to stop looking for answers from him as you will never find it. His "truth" will not set you free. You have to find your own closure and your own truth and reality and use that to propel yourself away from him. Trying to discover whys so that you can piece it together is futile. You can't connect the dots when you're dealing with someone that does not have the emotional maturity or capacity to do right by you, then and now.

 

You are fabulous

 

By the way, it's kinda unfair of me to ask YOU why he's manipulative since as you said, this question may be answered only by someone who's manipulative too;P You are right, the best thing is to stop the madness and stop thinking about his weird tactics. I have just realised that actually all and none of the reasons you listed may be the case! Insane.

 

Another thing that I can't understand is his inability to tell me "I don't want to see you anymore, bye". Instead, he pretended all was fine only to be gone the following day. If you hate someone that much or at least not give a damn about someone, you should feel even more relieved to tell them to f*** off, shouldn't you?

 

I am asking , cos your answers are really valuable and this is a great opportunity for me to learn things!

[geegirl]

What you do identify is that it is manipulative but as to the reasons why, no one can pinpoint what they are exactly but you do know that no one should treat you that way.

 

The kind thing to do when letting someone go, is to tell them that it is over so that they can move on. Those that leave you hanging and dangling do it for their own reasons. I don't believe he hates you but I do believe he doesn't have the capacity to do the right thing. It's no so much about caring for you but what in his own mind is the best way for him to approach or deal with an uncomfortable situation.

 

Most dumpers are vague when breaking up because this allows the opportunity to revisit if there is a need to. Again, the kind thing would be to cut you loose. Some can't deal with the guilt so they do what's work for them, whether it is to disappear or to be vague. Some give you just enough to keep you holding on to hope.

 

You're worrying so much about what you don't know when you need to be focusing on what you do know. The answers that you cannot find isn't what you need to help you move on. You already know more than enough to make the wise decision to let go.

 

And even if he did make a great comeback, chances are his inability to commit will still and always be your worst nightmare.

[PissOfMind]

Absolutely, if someone asked me if I felt better with or without him, I'd say: without him! Some minor part of me is still struggling with being "rejected" and not dignified with one single word, but the rest of me is enjoying life without him in it. Of course, there are these moments of anxiety that I have just told you about. Geegirl, your posts are 100% accurate and helped me a lot. The rest of you did too, maybe just were a bit less exhaustive;P I will probably have some weak moments, but I guess that each time I feel anxious again, I will just browse through these posts again;P Thx!

[geegirl]

Absolutely, if someone asked me if I felt better with or without him, I'd say: without him! Some minor part of me is still struggling with being "rejected" and not dignified with one single word, but the rest of me is enjoying life without him in it. Of course, there are these moments of anxiety that I have just told you about. Geegirl, your posts are 100% accurate and helped me a lot. The rest of you did too, maybe just were a bit less exhaustive;P I will probably have some weak moments, but I guess that each time I feel anxious again, I will just browse through these posts again;P Thx!

 

And don't beat yourself up for stumbling now and then because it's only normal that you feel that way. I understand feeling rejected and being treated unkindly but these things do happen and they did for me as well. I did all the analyzing but now that I am unemotional, it was far too much energy wasted on nothing because at the end of the day, I got to where I am today not because of his justifications or truths but because of mine.

 

Keep reading and posting here and stay true to your healing and your journey to bigger, brighter and better!

[PissOfMind]

Thanks a lot, geegirl. Btw- have you experienced something similar? If you have, did it take you long to recover and stop giving a damn about well..something that cannot be rationalised anyway?

[geegirl]

Thanks a lot, geegirl. Btw- have you experienced something similar? If you have, did it take you long to recover and stop giving a damn about well..something that cannot be rationalised anyway?

 

Yes, I did experience something similar. Assclown #1 used to be non-committal and would disappear ever so often. That lasted for 8 months and it was hard for me to piece it together and would often fight for answers.Took me a few months to finally realize that I didn't want to be with someone like that and even when he reached out, I ignored and moved on. I accepted my reality.

 

Assclown #2 I caught having sex with another woman after declaring undying commitment wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. I struggled to piece it together even sometimes imagining that his infidelity was all in my mind. He played the holding my things game as well. It drove me bananas but I made myself accept the reality and move on.

 

There is no set time but it comes when you get to the point where you realize that you're not deserving of such treatment and you do no want to involve yourself in something that has no future whatsoever. When you grasp your reality, that is when you release yourself. You pull them down from the pedestal and know you're too much of a prize to deal with losers. You get better when you realize that life is much more at peace and bearable without them rather than with them.

 

You still have hope, and eventhough you know he is bad for you, your emotions don't allow you to see quite clearly. Give it more time and start focusing your energies on you.