Long-distance boyfriend hasn't contacted me in 4 days!

[flower_petal]

I've been in a relationship for over a year with someone who lives in Northern Ireland. I'm from the UK. We had been making an effort to see each other for a full weekend once a month and it was working well. He has a high profile job and is constantly travelling and working until the early hours everyday. I've always been very considerate of his job and tried hard to understand if there is a gap in contact. I've noticed recently that the nightly texts have stopped and nights went by when we never spoke. This gradually became more. Once, he went 3 days without contacting before I insisted he got in touch. When he did he told me that he was just 'busy'. I asked him if he still wanted to be with me and he said yes. He said that he was missing me and would love me to be there to cuddle. It was my birthday recently and he told me he couldn't come over because of work and would try to come the weekend after. Which he didn't. I asked when we'd see each other again and he said in the next few weeks 'hopefully'. I finally had enough and told him how I was feeling - how it wasn't a real relationship and I was feeling miserable. He piped up that he was in America and so, when I was in bed, he was in work. He told me he was sorry and that he was ridiculously busy. He asked me if I was finishing with him. I just told him that he wasn't behaving like a boyfriend. That was it. We haven't spoken since. I text him 2 days ago asking if he was ok but he hasn't replied.

Do you think this means our relationship is over? Should I give him time? I don't know if he is still abroad or whether he is back home. Should I contact him again or just leave it? I'm finding it hard to cope with no closure!

[TMichaels]

I've been in a relationship for over a year with someone who lives in Northern Ireland. I'm from the UK. We had been making an effort to see each other for a full weekend once a month and it was working well. He has a high profile job and is constantly travelling and working until the early hours everyday. I've always been very considerate of his job and tried hard to understand if there is a gap in contact. I've noticed recently that the nightly texts have stopped and nights went by when we never spoke. This gradually became more. Once, he went 3 days without contacting before I insisted he got in touch. When he did he told me that he was just 'busy'. I asked him if he still wanted to be with me and he said yes. He said that he was missing me and would love me to be there to cuddle. It was my birthday recently and he told me he couldn't come over because of work and would try to come the weekend after. Which he didn't. I asked when we'd see each other again and he said in the next few weeks 'hopefully'. I finally had enough and told him how I was feeling - how it wasn't a real relationship and I was feeling miserable. He piped up that he was in America and so, when I was in bed, he was in work. He told me he was sorry and that he was ridiculously busy. He asked me if I was finishing with him. I just told him that he wasn't behaving like a boyfriend. That was it. We haven't spoken since. I text him 2 days ago asking if he was ok but he hasn't replied.

Do you think this means our relationship is over? Should I give him time? I don't know if he is still abroad or whether he is back home. Should I contact him again or just leave it? I'm finding it hard to cope with no closure!

 

In his defense, it sounds to me like his job is very demanding and he's having trouble trying to juggle it and you.

 

You say that you've always been considerate of his job demands, however, you're complaining about him not getting in contact for 3-4 days and say *you insisted* he get in touch with you. How exactly is that "being considerate?"

 

He has a point about the time difference if he's in America and you're in the UK. At best, it's a five-hour time difference. *If* he's on the East Coast *and* he was able to finish work and be able to talk to you around 7pm in the evening, that would be midnight your time. If he's in California, you're talking about an eight-hour time difference. It would be 3 am your time before he would be able to contact you.

 

Having said all that, I'm curious... Did you know he would be traveling/working in America before he left? If so, did you give any consideration to the difficulties the time difference might pose when it comes to "your regular communication routine?"

 

I'll agree, however, the bit about your birthday is lame. But again, had the two of you made plans to see each other and celebrate your birthday? Did he do anything in lieu of coming over to seeing you? A card? A gift? Flowers? A message? Anything? Did he even know/remember your birthday? Or was it you that made an issue of it?

 

I don't know that I agree "he isn't behaving like a boyfriend." I do think, according to your "score card" he isn't and that may be what's the problem here. You have certain expectations and he's not meeting them. In fact, as long as he has the kind of job he does, it's doubtful he ever will.

 

If he's not giving you what you need/want/expect there's nothing wrong with that. Simply put, if that's the case he's not the guy for you.

 

Bottom line? I wouldn't contact him. You were assertive in telling him why the relationship wasn't working for you, and he apologized and told you why his availability has been so limited.

 

Both of you need time to reflect and decide whether each other is worth the sacrifices that will be inherent in your relationship given the distance, and his job demands. If the two of you want things to work, compromises will need to be made on both sides, including in expectations.

 

You've already tried to get in contact with him following your conversation. The ball's in his court, now.

 

If you don't hear from him, then it's either: a) He's decided the sacrifices he would have to make to continue the relationship are too significant and/or not possible; b) He figures since you are clearly the "more needy one" in this relationship, if he remains silent, you'll come running back and will accept whatever terms necessary rather than losing him.

 

Think long and hard about the wisdom of doing the latter. If you do, you're just going to continue to be miserable and will be right back at the point you are now -- nagging him about not being a proper boyfriend and wanting him to be someone he's not or at least can't or won't be for the foreseeable future. Your time would be better spent finding someone who is interested in meeting your needs and that you are willing to do the same for them.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited June 11, 2012 by TMichaels

[flower_petal]

Thank you for your reply. It was very insightful and helpful.

 

With regards to my birthday, yes, we had organised for him to come over. There was no date set but, when he failed to come over the weekend of, he promised the weekend after which he then said he couldn't do because he wanted to go and watch the rugby. The weekend after he said he was working but then told me that he hadn't had to travel like stated and was now spending the weekend with his friends.

 

I have been very considerate of his job. I never nagged him to contact me during the day, I was understanding of his work commitments that may have effected us seeing one another and accepted his late replies. I even sat for 3 hours when I went over to visit whilst he went to his office to speak to clients. I never complained. I sat, smiled and told him to do what he had to do. I have overcome a severe fear of flyings to go over to him on numerous occasions to lighten the load of his work commitments. I have offered to go to him several times recently. He has never taken me up on it.

 

What I can't understand is why he will not simply finish it?! I do not want us to end. At the end of the day, I do love this man and would be willing to 'bend' to be with him. But equally, it has become tiring to think that I am the one of seems to make all the sacrifices. And these seem to go unappreciated. I suppose I just want reassurance. A text at the end of the day to say that he has thought of me and he is missing me. Tell me that he loves me. Nothing. Just complete silence. It takes a little over a minute to do and send. I have never had the opportunity to even say this to him as he is uncontactable.

 

He is a 29 year old man (I am 26) and so we are adults. Surely he is mature enough to end a relationship properly. And seeing as he is a professional. Should I take some comfort in the fact that he had easy access to end the relationship and he hasn't?

[flower_petal]

I should state that he did contact me on my birthday, a half an hour phone call. No flowers, card or present. He said we would do this when we met the weekend after. And now, nothing.

[TMichaels]

With regards to my birthday, yes, we had organised for him to come over. There was no date set but, when he failed to come over the weekend of, he promised the weekend after which he then said he couldn't do because he wanted to go and watch the rugby. The weekend after he said he was working but then told me that he hadn't had to travel like stated and was now spending the weekend with his friends.

 

Two observations: a) If no date was set for him to come over to visit you for your birthday, then what exactly was organized? Sounds to me what went on was more like him saying: "Yeah sure, we'll get together for your birthday" and that was the end of that.

 

b) In case you haven't noticed, your bf has priorities. They roughly stack up as follows:

1. Work

2. Watching sport

3. Hanging out with his mates

4. You

 

Work is #1. When he finally has a bit of time off, he'd rather spend it doing #2 and #3 because it takes much less time/effort/hassle to turn on the telly, go to the pub, or meet-up with his mates than it does to organize a trip to see you. Plus, I would reckon it also is less stressful to choose #2 or #3 as neither option is very demanding of his attention or time.

 

I have been very considerate of his job. I never nagged him to contact me during the day, I was understanding of his work commitments that may have effected us seeing one another and accepted his late replies. I even sat for 3 hours when I went over to visit whilst he went to his office to speak to clients. I never complained. I sat, smiled and told him to do what he had to do.

Very nice of you, yes. But, it also signaled to him that it's okay for him to be inconsiderate as obviously you're perfectly willing to sit by the curb like a faithful pup waiting for your master to finally come home, say a kind word and ruffle your ears. Google the concept of "being a doormat" and you might find a few things that ring a bell.

 

I have overcome a severe fear of flyings to go over to him on numerous occasions to lighten the load of his work commitments. I have offered to go to him several times recently. He has never taken me up on it.

 

Here we go again... Why is it *you* are doing all the heavy lifting in this relationship? I suppose you also paid for your ticket every time you flew over. How many times has *he* come over to see *you?* I'm willing to bet certainly not as often as you have toddled up to NI. Don't you see anything wrong with that equation?

 

Or, if you don't, don't you think it's a little odd that if he's as serious about this relationship as you are, he's not jumping at your offer to come and visit him again? That alone, should raise a red flag in your mind.

 

What I can't understand is why he will not simply finish it?!

 

Why should he? The relationship as it is, requires little of him. Except for his poor little ego possibly suffering a blow if you called it quits, six of one, half-dozen of another if it's on or off, in his view.

 

I do not want us to end. At the end of the day, I do love this man and would be willing to 'bend' to be with him.

 

Please look up the definition of "being a doormat."

 

But equally, it has become tiring to think that I am the one of seems to make all the sacrifices. And these seem to go unappreciated. I suppose I just want reassurance. A text at the end of the day to say that he has thought of me and he is missing me. Tell me that he loves me. Nothing. Just complete silence. It takes a little over a minute to do and send.

 

Hun, I don't think you're ever going to get it. You're just not a priority to him.

 

I have never had the opportunity to even say this to him as he is uncontactable.

 

Say what? You must be joking. You mean you've had so little contact with this guy you can't even tell him he's toast? What is the matter with you? What are you afraid of? That you've wasted the last year on someone who clearly isn't worth it and you're embarrassed to admit it?

 

He is a 29 year old man (I am 26) and so we are adults. Surely he is mature enough to end a relationship properly. And seeing as he is a professional.

 

Age is just a number. Has nothing to do with a person's level of emotional maturity. Whether a person is good at his/her job also doesn't mean they have any idea how to be in a healthy, supportive personal relationship. I think we've already established the two are mutually-exclusive based on his behavior and treatment of you, don't you agree?

 

Should I take some comfort in the fact that he had easy access to end the relationship and he hasn't?

 

Hun, you're grasping at straws. No, that isn't a good sign.

 

I'd argue that *he has* ended the relationship AND taken the easy way out by turning down your offers to see each other, never has time to chat, doesn't respect you or your time by letting you know he's unavailable, is "un-contactable," etc. -- but you won't listen.

 

I'm sure he doesn't mind the attention -- I mean, he knows you're satisfied eating the crumbs he tosses to you ever once in a while AND you'll not only sit there, smile and tell him to do whatever he needs to while you're the good, patient little girl, you come back repeatedly after being treated with less regard than one of his manky rugby shirts, *for more.*

 

Quite frankly, I bet even though you finally tried standing up for yourself by telling him "he wasn't acting like a boyfriend, and you're not happy," he doesn't believe you.

 

If you want to know what you mean to the guy (or not), quit chasing him. As I told you before, you laid it out for him what's out of whack with your relationship as far as you're concerned and what you need from him in order for you to continue. Ball's in his court now, not yours. So, sit tight and see what happens.

 

But, don't be surprised if he won't be arsed to lift a finger. Other than you being available "for a cuddle" now and then when he needs the affection, I don't think this guy thinks he's losing much if your relationship ends, because he's putting so little in.

 

HTH,

TMichaels

Edited June 12, 2012 by TMichaels