getting over myself

[hurts_so_bad]

Hey guys......been seperared from my wife of 17 years for around 4 months now and althought the pain is subsiding I can't seem to shake these feelings of insecurity especially in the sexual department....as soon as we seperared I found she was seeing another man and she hasnt looked back. Can't help to ask what this guy has that I don't and question my abilities.....I know men have big egos so is this a normal thing for a guy to go threw after a situation like this? Yes or no, what's the best way to get over myself with this? It's especially killing me that I haven't.really been on.any dates so I can't boost my ego that way. It's not that I haven't tried Just no luck.yet

[Exit]

4 months out of a 17 year marriage is hardly enough time. I'm still processing the end of a relationship that lasted less than 2 years, 7 months after the fact lol. Yes it is common for men's ego to get in the way, you wonder what it is you couldn't give her that this other guy can. But that's looking at it from the perspective of blaming yourself rather than realizing your wife is the one who threw everything away. Be single and work on yourself, you don't need to be worried about bedding someone else 4 months after the fact. It just means you actually have a heart and feel loss about this relationship when she is already able to move on.

[trippi1432]

Hi Hurts - your other thread didn't get closed, it's still there. But at any rate, you are no where near ready to go out and find someone else when you still haven't finished all of your AA steps.

 

I will be honest with you Hurts, just like your wife, I too was done with my exH, the years of drinking...of irresponsibility. Long before he left me, I was done...much like your wife told you about the DUI's. Today, I despise my exH even more because he never did the hard work of looking at himself, instead he prefers to blame everyone else for his problems. He is remarried and he and his new wife have the same, exact problems we had. Do you really want to go out and try on a new relationship and still have the same problems or would you rather be the better, stronger man that you have said you are striving to be?

 

In your other thread, you never stated that you found out your wife was cheating on you, found another man and wouldn't have you back because of him.....the last thing you stated was that she admitted that all the irresponsible drinking behavior took a toll on the relationship and how many more DUI's were you going to get. Blame her and pull whatever skeleton out of the closet you want, the problem lies in both of you....your drinking and for her not forcing a boundary to it a long time ago and tossing you after the first DUI to make you get help. I made that same mistake with my exH, even though I didn't feel I was responsible for his drinking and stated many times he needed to do AA. The one regret I have about my dysfunctional 15 year relationship is that I let it continue. In earnest, I bet your wife feels similar.

 

Infidelity didn't end your marriage....the drinking did. Back to the AA steps, you were making progress, but you keep getting stuck on your ego.

[hurts_so_bad]

Hey trippi.....glad to.see u are still here..thought u were leaving? Anyway, glad u are still here. I started this thead cause I thought it was kind of off topic from the other. I am in no way shape or form trying to.pass the blame to my wife.....many years of the BS took its toll. I know that. The only thing that bothers me is her running right out Nd jumping into the arms of another man. I did mention her seeing someone. Remember I found the valentines card? I look at my life and .if all goes as planned I will be in great shape in a few.months. I just have this lingering insecurity or this.. like I am not good enough that I need to get over is all.

[hurts_so_bad]

Another thing that gets me is I feel she may be bull**ttng me. Ok I can understand u left me cause.you didnt want this life anymore but she goes out drinking all the time and supposedly seeing a kid who is 13 years her junior and has a girlfriend who lives with him.....you want a better life and this is the way you get it? I dont think so! That's why I sometimes feel insecure and wonder what he has that I dont.......

[hurts_so_bad]

I am tryin my best to move on and think about how nice the future will be but I guess my insecurities keep getting in the way. Just wanna stop feeling this way about myself (not good enough) I've been doing everything to improve myself and still feel inadequate....any advice on bringing myself up from this?

[trippi1432]

Hurts - not feeling good enough starts with you....it's not about what she is or isn't doing. You can be your own worst enemy, letting the imagination wonder...going through the what-if's...etc.

 

Take a step back Hurts and re-read what you have typed in this thread....found out that she is seeing this guys since we separated......to....supposedly seeing this guy 13 years younger than her who lives with his girlfriend. This frame of mind is not doing you any good, it's regressive. If you want to get over yourself and feel good enough for anyone, a great physique in the gym won't compensate for this way of thinking. That will still be there and show on you like an open wound.

 

Where are you with your steps, still talking to your sponsor?

[hurts_so_bad]

Hurts - not feeling good enough starts with you....it's not about what she is or isn't doing. You can be your own worst enemy, letting the imagination wonder...going through the what-if's...etc.

 

Take a step back Hurts and re-read what you have typed in this thread....found out that she is seeing this guys since we separated......to....supposedly seeing this guy 13 years younger than her who lives with his girlfriend. This frame of mind is not doing you any good, it's regressive. If you want to get over yourself and feel good enough for anyone, a great physique in the gym won't compensate for this way of thinking. That will still be there and show on you like an open wound.

 

Where are you with your steps, still talking to your sponsor?

 

I know and I am trying to fix it but how?

[worldgonewrong]

Hey guys......been seperared from my wife of 17 years for around 4 months now and althought the pain is subsiding I can't seem to shake these feelings of insecurity especially in the sexual department....as soon as we seperared I found she was seeing another man and she hasnt looked back. Can't help to ask what this guy has that I don't and question my abilities.....I know men have big egos so is this a normal thing for a guy to go threw after a situation like this? Yes or no, what's the best way to get over myself with this? It's especially killing me that I haven't.really been on.any dates so I can't boost my ego that way. It's not that I haven't tried Just no luck.yet

 

The luck will happen, in good time.

 

Eventually, yes, you will get laid again. And it'll be fine, and all of the insecurities you have in that department will be put to rest.

 

That said, a sexual encounter - fun as it is - won't erase the REAL root issues about why you're unhappy. Just remember that.

I had an encounter with a dear friend, and it was magical and all that, but at the end of the day, I had to face myself and see that the temporary Disneyland in the sack doesn't cure everything. If anything, it made me scrutinize and hunger for the heart/soul ideal more than anything physical.

[hurts_so_bad]

The luck will happen, in good time.

 

Eventually, yes, you will get laid again. And it'll be fine, and all of the insecurities you have in that department will be put to rest.

 

That said, a sexual encounter - fun as it is - won't erase the REAL root issues about why you're unhappy. Just remember that.

I had an encounter with a dear friend, and it was magical and all that, but at the end of the day, I had to face myself and see that the temporary Disneyland in the sack doesn't cure everything. If anything, it made me scrutinize and hunger for the heart/soul ideal more than anything physical.

 

Oh I can understand that....I still love my wife and still have hopes that maybe one day we can work things out. So I know sex isn't just going to erase things.....I view it as your having fun why shouldn't i. But we all know comparing a women's ability to go get laid to a mans is like racing a 7 foot guy against a midget! I have had these insecurities for a while....dumb crap that was said in the past from ex's in the heat of arguments these feelings never really left me especially on the certain nights when performance.wasn't at its best. Just curious if this is normal for most men. I know the truth is its all about her feelings for you more than the act of sex itself.....unless u have a tiny penis, sex is mostly as great as her feeling are for you even if by standards it isn't that great she will still enjoy it because of who she is doing it with. Just wish I could keep this mindset instead of always feeling I have a problem.

[2.50 a gallon]

You have owned up to how you mistreated the union. She was tired and frustrated of living like that. So in todays world, something is going to break.

 

What does he have?

 

Probably nothing, other than being at the right place at the right time, with the right words, which she listened to. Sort of like the one millionth person to cross over a bridge.

[hurts_so_bad]

You have owned up to how you mistreated the union. She was tired and frustrated of living like that. So in todays world, something is going to break.

 

What does he have?

 

Probably nothing, other than being at the right place at the right time, with the right words, which she listened to. Sort of like the one millionth person to cross over a bridge.[/quote. I hear ya and ur probably right. It's just that were screwing around right up to the day I left and it seems once she hooked up with this guy there was no turning back to me and that took a toll on my ego and confidence like i wasnt Good enough in the sack. Just getting tired.of feeling this way about myself. Believe it or not, I'm a hood looking 43 year old guy with a good build and great personality...I get along and laugh with everybody.....this thing is like a thorn in my side! To feel like less of a man sucks for anybody! Is this a normal thing men go threw in situations.Like this?

Edited June 15, 2012 by hurts_so_bad

[jaymz]

Yep. perfectly normal. The trick is to follow the advice on here so you get your self esteem back and build a new, happier and better you.

[hurts_so_bad]

Yep. perfectly normal. The trick is to follow the advice on here so you get your self esteem back and build a new, happier and better you.

 

Oh ok thanks....that all I wanted to know. Felt like I was obsessing over this but I guess anyone in my shoes. Would have this s**t on their minds all the time till time makes you start to forget

[jaymz]

Pretty much all BS think like that at first. I certainly did. I had no idea what I had done wrong, it all happened out of the blue and I was told that I deserved all the hell I was going through. I felt like a total loser and that everyone was laughing at me. dark, dark times.

 

I don't think or feel like that any more, or at least the vast majority of the time. Its taken a while and I have tried off and on to follow the advice on LS which has really helped me.

 

Those that have gone through it before say it will get better over time, and it does.

[hurts_so_bad]

Pretty much all BS think like that at first. I certainly did. I had no idea what I had done wrong, it all happened out of the blue and I was told that I deserved all the hell I was going through. I felt like a total loser and that everyone was laughing at me. dark, dark times.

 

I don't think or feel like that any more, or at least the vast majority of the time. Its taken a while and I have tried off and on to follow the advice on LS which has really helped me.

 

Those that have gone through it before say it will get better over time, and it does.

 

What u said is so very true on how I feel! like this guy is better than me at something and everyone knows the truth and laughing...Truth is I dont know what is going on exactly but I am sure something is...Regardless, I dont want to care anymore only because it hurts my ego. I know if my esteem was higher I would be alot happier. Some guys out there would just shrug it off and say, If I am not good enough for her then forget her! without going threw all this self inflicted pain due to insecurities...What helped you? I have been going to the gym, bought all new clothes, working on my chcter defects with AA, etc.....Any other advice?

[2.50 a gallon]

Google "Love Chemicals" and you will get an understanding of what these powerful hormones can do to a woman's mind and even a man's mind.

[hurts_so_bad]

Google "Love Chemicals" and you will get an understanding of what these powerful hormones can do to a woman's mind and even a man's mind.

cool I will. Thanks!

[hurts_so_bad]

Google "Love Chemicals" and you will get an understanding of what these powerful hormones can do to a woman's mind and even a man's mind.

can up be a little more specific on the website? i looked but found when u fall in love...not about why people feel the way i do after breakup. thanks for the info

[2.50 a gallon]

I guess they are heavy on scientific terms.

 

Perhaps a personal story of what happened to me might bring it more down to our level

 

At age 28, my family and friends were hard on my butt for being a player, I did a lot of dating, but hardly ever got serious. Until one night I walked into my favorite sporting goods store, and there she stood. While it wasn't love at first sight, she immediately became the front runner.

 

But she was not interested or attracted to me. She was but 21, so I was too old for her. I am short and skinny, she liked 6 footers. I was a tenies, blue jeans and T-shirt guy, she liked suits. Business men suits. I was a natures boy who liked the wilds while she was a small town girl, who had just moved to the big city and loved the big city. I was a factory worker, and she had dreams of hooking up with a big bucks business man.

 

She was a free spirit, and was not dating anyone exclusively. Although I did have two major competitors. One she had been seeing off and on for about a year, and whom she had been sexually active with just a few times.

 

An even bigger problem was the son of a local politician, she had been out with him a couple of times, and had already accepted an invitation to a fancy ball, for the off spring of the well connected.

 

My offers of taking her out to dinner and fancy restaurants were trumped by both guys who took her out to the most expensive places in town. My offers to take her to a couple of concerts, including The Fleetwood Mac Rumours tour were similarly rejected.

[hurts_so_bad]

I guess they are heavy on scientific terms.

 

Perhaps a personal story of what happened to me might bring it more down to our level

 

At age 28, my family and friends were hard on my butt for being a player, I did a lot of dating, but hardly ever got serious. Until one night I walked into my favorite sporting goods store, and there she stood. While it wasn't love at first sight, she immediately became the front runner.

 

But she was not interested or attracted to me. She was but 21, so I was too old for her. I am short and skinny, she liked 6 footers. I was a tenies, blue jeans and T-shirt guy, she liked suits. Business men suits. I was a natures boy who liked the wilds while she was a small town girl, who had just moved to the big city and loved the big city. I was a factory worker, and she had dreams of hooking up with a big bucks business man.

 

She was a free spirit, and was not dating anyone exclusively. Although I did have two major competitors. One she had been seeing off and on for about a year, and whom she had been sexually active with just a few times.

 

An even bigger problem was the son of a local politician, she had been out with him a couple of times, and had already accepted an invitation to a fancy ball, for the off spring of the well connected.

 

My offers of taking her out to dinner and fancy restaurants were trumped by both guys who took her out to the most expensive places in town. My offers to take her to a couple of concerts, including The Fleetwood Mac Rumours tour were similarly rejected.

Unless there is more to your story which am a sure there is....how in the world does that compare? Not being a wise guy just asking? I was married 17 years! U didn't.even date this girl! If there is a second part please excuse my question.

[2.50 a gallon]

Then one week I was given Thursday off, which I decided to enjoy fishing at the local river. That night when she rang me up for my supply of worms, I gave it another shot and asked her if she would like to go fishing with me. To my surprise, she said yes. She too had the next day off. She had never gone fishing, and new from my bragging that I was a good fisherman, spend the day on the river and maybe catch some fish.

 

I knew in my heart this was my one chance, and poured everything into somehow making a super impression. Naturally we caught some fish. We made a day off it, we talked about all kinds of things, including my rep of being a player, which I explained my being picky and not having any luck finding that one gal whom I would wanted to be the mother of my children and I had to be able to kiss good morning to for the rest of my life. I built her first ever camp fire and cooked us up some hot dogs, which we chased down with a beer, that led to us horseplaying in the water, and I was even able to steal a kiss. With the approach of the evening she accepted my offer to take the fish back to my place for a fish fry.

 

I was shocked when we got back to my car, when she initated a lip lock on me that lasted for way more than a minute.

 

We fried up the fish and chased it down with a bottle of wine, and before the night was over made love, and was able to give her multiple O's and for the first time in her life without a condom.

 

I finally took her home about 10 that night, and remember thinking I might not be number one on her list I was certainly at least on her list.

 

You can imagine my surprise the next night when I answered a knock at my door to find her standing there, inviting herself in, and telling me she had just broken her date and told her long time dating partner it was over. She was also ready to tell Prince Charming, that she would not be attending that ball on the following night.

 

In short she wanted a repeat of last nights love making.

 

Three years later, we finally broke up when I couldn't find the courage to set the date of our marriage.

[2.50 a gallon]

Fast forward, 15 years, at a new years eve party I met a Univ. of Cal. Berkley professor who was researching love chemicals, who was able to explain to me what had happened.

 

On that day I had did all of the right things. I introduced her to a new world, the wilds, and campfires and fishing. And she started being attracted to me. When we talked, I said all of the right things of wanting to find the right person to share our lives with and have a family.

 

The horse playing and stealing a kiss established my manliness. And unbeknowst to her, her body had began to produce hormones that was telling her brain that she was very attracted to me, that I was a nice guy, and had the manliness to be her protector

 

And then that night making love without protection, was the clincher. As over the next 18 hours her body began to produce and flooded her brain with even more potent hormones (also read drugs) that were geared directly to me, the sound of my voice, even to the way I smelled, my pheremones. She became infatuated with me.

 

So that 18 hours later, her brain was addicted to the drugs her body was producing, and the only way she could get that high was to be with me.

[hurts_so_bad]

Great story which seems to have really gone ur way! U should have no.reason for insecurities especially due to the fact that u broke up cause of ur own inability to set a date. Once again though, how does this pertain to my story? I am on the **** end of the stick not feeling good enough about myself when ur story should make u feel like superman.

[hurts_so_bad]

The luck will happen, in good time.

 

Eventually, yes, you will get laid again. And it'll be fine, and all of the insecurities you have in that department will be put to rest.

 

That said, a sexual encounter - fun as it is - won't erase the REAL root issues about why you're unhappy. Just remember that.

I had an encounter with a dear friend, and it was magical and all that, but at the end of the day, I had to face myself and see that the temporary Disneyland in the sack doesn't cure everything. If anything, it made me scrutinize and hunger for the heart/soul ideal more than anything physical.

 

Well u were right! I met w girl last week and we slept together Thursday and again last night. She is not quit mt type but we both know its not a love thing. This way no one gwta hurt. Anyway, needless to say.....sexual performance wasn't my strong point again! All theatreaa and being down about the ez as well as not being very sexually attracted to this girl took its toll and it showed. I now feel worse than I did before! Any pick me ups would be appreciated! I need em!