getting over myself

[hurts_so_bad]

Ok thanks guys...just wanted to know the vast way to act right now with her incase therw is a slim chance of working things out in the future I don't ruin it by saying or doing the wrong things. We have been quite freindly with eachother and aometimes wonder if rhis us the best approach. I have also been told to tell her how I feel which I don't think is....things have been much better for me aside for the waiting game. I am dating a few different girls but none that I am really crazy about..its like the.ones I like dont like me and visa versa...my time will come one way or another I know but.just want it to.start already!

[standtall]

 

Just a quick question? We are being friendly with one another. I am being especially friendly being I dont want to screw this up! Cause if I do she can really put me threw the ringer. Anyway, Regardless of what anyone thinks, I do still love her and hope one day we can put things back together.

 

Whats my best plan of attack? Should I just remain friendly with her and still talk to her often as I do now?

 

Of course be friendly for the kid's and your own sake. But, don't get your hopes up...the chances of reconciliation with separations is very close to zero.

[hurts_so_bad]

Of course be friendly for the kid's and your own sake. But, don't get your hopes up...the chances of reconciliation with separations is very close to zero.

 

If thats the case why bother with the 180 and all? I know its designed for self help.but its also designed on trying to work things out I thought

Edited July 26, 2012 by hurts_so_bad

[worldgonewrong]

If thats the case why bother with the 180 and all? I know its designed for self help.but its also designed on trying to work things out I thought

 

Not if the other party doesn't want to put in their 50% of the hard work.

 

Look, there are no magic solutions, no recipes, no Svengali-like tricks you can employ to win back the other party. They either want you or don't want you, simple.

[hurts_so_bad]

Look the only advice I asked for is the best path to take in case there is ever a chance. Not my odds on the chances. I know everyone says close to zero. Sorry I dont believe that and if you look on the internet there are millions of success stories and stories of wives coming back to there husbands months and even years later. I even had guys on my job tell me how their wives came back to them once they moved on. Not saying this will happen but I want to play the my cards right with her. I dont want to be a ********* or too nice and get walked on either. much of the reason there probably arent many success stories on loveshack is probably because once things did work out people stop posting..wouldnt you? whats move important? spending hours online or working your marriage out? So taking the fact that there arent many success stories here on loveshack doesnt make it set in stone.

[Hopefulandinlove]

I know of about 4 couples that have gotten back together after separating. It is possible, but don't start sleeping around just because you're "single". If you want to fix your marriage, you have to be dedicated 100% to it.

 

I read your whole story and you seem more at fault at the failing of your marriage then your wife, so u have to be the one who makes all the major changes. Then you have to prove to her that you made the changes, so she will feel they are permanent.

 

That is how all the couple I know who fixed their marriages did it. One of them changed majorly for the better. Then they gave the other spouse time to get used to it. The one at fault never asked the other to change or work on their issues until a year or so into reconciliation.

[2sunny]

Ok thanks guys...just wanted to know the vast way to act right now with her incase therw is a slim chance of working things out in the future I don't ruin it by saying or doing the wrong things. We have been quite freindly with eachother and aometimes wonder if rhis us the best approach. I have also been told to tell her how I feel which I don't think is....things have been much better for me aside for the waiting game. I am dating a few different girls but none that I am really crazy about..its like the.ones I like dont like me and visa versa...my time will come one way or another I know but.just want it to.start already!

 

Do all your step work in AA/NA... And start sponsoring others. Then you may have enough experience and perspective for helping yourself to move forward.

[2.50 a gallon]

h-s-b

 

Sorry to say, quite often they do post sucess stories. Surfer, whose wife left him for the OM did happily report that she had left the OM and moved back in with him, however it did not last, and he suffered through a second break up.

 

So I am also sorry to say the vast majority of them are along the lines of - I have finally detached and am moving on in life, with out him or her, And also quite often that I have found someone new

 

I don't know how they do it, but wives seem to know if you are still holding out the least bit of hope and alas until you kill that last little bit of hope, will not want to reconcile.

[hurts_so_bad]

I know of about 4 couples that have gotten back together after separating. It is possible, but don't start sleeping around just because you're "single". If you want to fix your marriage, you have to be dedicated 100% to it.

 

I read your whole story and you seem more at fault at the failing of your marriage then your wife, so u have to be the one who makes all the major changes. Then you have to prove to her that you made the changes, so she will feel they are permanent.

 

That is how all the couple I know who fixed their marriages did it. One of them changed majorly for the better. Then they gave the other spouse time to get used to it. The one at fault never asked the other to change or work on their issues until a year or so into reconciliation.

 

You are 100% right..I never said I wasnrt at fault with what happened. I put her threw years of hell...I am changing for the better thats for sure. My thing is I dont want to be too distant or too close incase either will push her away further. Look, I know I may be fighting a losing battle bbut I am not really fighting. I am correcting things about myself that I should have done years ago. Its 99% about me and 1% about winning her back. I need to change for me and just hope that one day we can patch things up. Thank you for your post!

[hurts_so_bad]

h-s-b

 

Sorry to say, quite often they do post sucess stories. Surfer, whose wife left him for the OM did happily report that she had left the OM and moved back in with him, however it did not last, and he suffered through a second break up.

 

So I am also sorry to say the vast majority of them are along the lines of - I have finally detached and am moving on in life, with out him or her, And also quite often that I have found someone new

 

I don't know how they do it, but wives seem to know if you are still holding out the least bit of hope and alas until you kill that last little bit of hope, will not want to reconcile.

 

lol...you are absolutely right with what u said last...they know somehow! there must be a vibe we put off!

[dreamingoftigers]

Actually that is weird. My h and I didn't start to reconcile until I completely let go any hope of it.

 

I just couldn't believe how torn up everything had become and it was absolute Rock-bottom (as in I started the process for sole custody of my child).

 

Then it was just like an elastic snapping. And then he couldn't feel any pull at all.

 

He came back (slowly and on my terms) but he had definitely changed direction.

 

He's been very open to change and been changing too. Also acknowledging the pain I've gone through (whether he thinks I am "right" or "wrong.")

 

It's going to take a lot of work (at the very least). I hope that you contact divorce busters. Seriously, you've wasted a lot of time.

[hurts_so_bad]

i`m still posting. not as often i must admit, don`t have much time too!!

 

Hurts your still asking the same old questions over and over again, expecting us to give you what? different answers?

 

You KNOW what you got to do!!

 

`The best road that you can take`??

 

Is the one that makes you stronger and can get you through `Anything` life throws at you, not just this `stage` in your life.

 

Start a journal, if you already haven`t.

 

Have you thought about going on anti-depressants?

 

You really do need to start thinking of yourself, without `her` in mind

 

Let go. pull back.... but be cool. ( as a cucumber...remember?)

 

Time to stop pushing. Start pulling.

 

Start making new friends. Talk to some random stranger. Most of all LISTEN to them. ..

 

keep posting buddy

 

coops

hey coops what up...I'm good no need for anti depressents...I am much better but have my UPS and downs.... When i have my downs I post. I've made a bunch of new friends and keep myself busy all the time....i still love and miss her. What can I say?

[Hopefulandinlove]

I think you shouldn't back off too much. She has loved you before and what good is her thinking you are over her and out of love.

 

Your problem in your marriage was that you were selfish and only thought about yourself first. Now you have to show her that she comes first. I bet a lot of people will disagree with me, but that's the only way I see if working.

 

You need to Fix you, but at the same time, you need to be showing her all the love and respect in the world to make up for all the years you put her second to you.

 

Give her real good reasons to want to fall back in love with you. Even if she doesn't show her love back, keep at it. From what you have posted about her so far, I think if you keep that up long enough, she will fall back in love after a while.

 

Seriously, you have to commit 100% and not show any wavering at all. You have to be the same all the time.

[trippi1432]

hey coops what up...I'm good no need for anti depressents...I am much better but have my UPS and downs.... When i have my downs I post. I've made a bunch of new friends and keep myself busy all the time....i still love and miss her. What can I say?

 

Coops, this one is done...fine'. Not much salvaging here. He's doing exactly what he needs to do...as someone married to this previously, I hear it every once in a while even though my ex is remarried and he is the one who left. They don't let go, they live in the past even when they move forward a little. Each little movement forward needs to be acknowledged as something good for them. It's even more good for the one the one who needs to move on.

 

He's moving forward with new friends and keeping himself busy, when he finds the next co-dependent he will be set. It's ultimately what happens when people don't follow their steps.

 

No offense HSB - but reality is just what it is right? You live in the moment of today. I could say this to my exH when he was fully loaded and he would say F yeah baby and you don't know me like my bit**ches do. And then I would just put him to bed and sleep on the couch as I knew he would piss the bed. I hated sleeping there.

[hurts_so_bad]

Coops, this one is done...fine'. Not much salvaging here. He's doing exactly what he needs to do...as someone married to this previously, I hear it every once in a while even though my ex is remarried and he is the one who left. They don't let go, they live in the past even when they move forward a little. Each little movement forward needs to be acknowledged as something good for them. It's even more good for the one the one who needs to move on.

 

He's moving forward with new friends and keeping himself busy, when he finds the next co-dependent he will be set. It's ultimately what happens when people don't follow their steps.

 

No offense HSB - but reality is just what it is right? You live in the moment of today. I could say this to my exH when he was fully loaded and he would say F yeah baby and you don't know me like my bit**ches do. And then I would just put him to bed and sleep on the couch as I knew he would piss the bed. I hated sleeping there.

 

Well Im sorry you were treated that way trippi..your ex must have been a real d**k! no matter what I did in the past I would never be such a punk to tell my wife that I have b**ches! Sounds like a little kid or like I said, Punk talking! So please do not compare me to that...That certainly isnt me! You see me here on loveshack in hopes for advice and direction...Doesnt that show something? You think your ex would have bothered?

 

Anyway, onward....If I just lived in the moment I would have never made the better man of myself I am now...Im not saying I dont have more issues to tend too (we all do) I am saying I have not drank, been going to AA meetings, working out, working on my license, and working on gettimg my home back.

 

Does that sound like someone who just lives in the moment and could care less about the future?

[hurts_so_bad]

Actually that is weird. My h and I didn't start to reconcile until I completely let go any hope of it.

 

I just couldn't believe how torn up everything had become and it was absolute Rock-bottom (as in I started the process for sole custody of my child).

 

Then it was just like an elastic snapping. And then he couldn't feel any pull at all.

 

He came back (slowly and on my terms) but he had definitely changed direction.

 

He's been very open to change and been changing too. Also acknowledging the pain I've gone through (whether he thinks I am "right" or "wrong.")

 

It's going to take a lot of work (at the very least). I hope that you contact divorce busters. Seriously, you've wasted a lot of time.

 

Hey DOT how are u? sounds like your doing well I hope. by your post it appears you and your H are working things out? hope so! Im doing better but as I mentioned when I have my bad days I post what I feel or ask questions...I am still seeing the kids atleast once a week but at the same time still see her as I dont have my license yet. We always end up ordering food and talking. Thats kind of what makes my situation probably different then others...I have not gotten the divorce busters yet. Please refresh my memory...Iys been a while...can I get the book online?

[dreamingoftigers]

You can get Divorce Remedy online.

 

Sorry I haven't kept up.

 

I finished my school six weeks early and just got back into loveshack.

 

I have a final on Thurs, but I have no idea what my time looks like after that. I haven't hunted through your thread yet.

 

Yes my marriage is okay now. Not perfect but not shattered. We both love spending time as a family but it's come at long last and high cost. What becomes of it remains to be seen.

[hurts_so_bad]

You can get Divorce Remedy online.

 

Sorry I haven't kept up.

 

I finished my school six weeks early and just got back into loveshack.

 

I have a final on Thurs, but I have no idea what my time looks like after that. I haven't hunted through your thread yet.

 

Yes my marriage is okay now. Not perfect but not shattered. We both love spending time as a family but it's come at long last and high cost. What becomes of it remains to be seen.

 

Well its good to have you back DOT

Im glad things are going well for you and yours! as well as your schooling..Thats awesome! I am without a doubt going to pick up divorce remedy if you dont think things are too far gone..Its been near 6 months..

[hurts_so_bad]

I think you shouldn't back off too much. She has loved you before and what good is her thinking you are over her and out of love.

 

Your problem in your marriage was that you were selfish and only thought about yourself first. Now you have to show her that she comes first. I bet a lot of people will disagree with me, but that's the only way I see if working.

 

You need to Fix you, but at the same time, you need to be showing her all the love and respect in the world to make up for all the years you put her second to you.

 

Give her real good reasons to want to fall back in love with you. Even if she doesn't show her love back, keep at it. From what you have posted about her so far, I think if you keep that up long enough, she will fall back in love after a while.

 

Seriously, you have to commit 100% and not show any wavering at all. You have to be the same all the time.

 

thanks for your post! You do know we do not live together right? You think I can still show her these things while not being there?

[hurts_so_bad]

I think I may have thrown some of you guys off when I asked how I should act so let me give a example...I have been up to my home atleast once a week too see the kids...90% of the time she is there and we always end up talking. Whether irts good or bad. Mostly its good and many a times I will order food and we will all eat. I sometimes feel like she feels, hey whatr the hell! I am doing whatever I want and still see him once a week in which he buys dinner! Am I doing the right thing here? or should I just not pay any attention to her at all? remember...I have no car so I cant just get the kids and go...

 

Last night I was at the house and I f'd up this morning! I really need to stop listening to friends and family! I was up to see the kids and the ex and I were talking and actually had some laughs...afterwards my wife went to bed and I started texting a girl friend of mine (just a good friend) and she told me go to the bedroom and tell her how I feel..I said hell no! So I decide this morning to do what she said. I went to the bedroom started massaging her sholders. I told her if she wants me to stop I will..She smiled and shook her head no...I then kissed her on the cheek and told her I love and miss her..She didnt reply but asked what I have been up too....When she got up out of bed I gave her a hug but her hug back felt more like a pitty hug with a few taps on my back...Anyway, I just cant understand why she would let me touch her at all... Maybe she feels sorry for me? I dont know what to think anymore...I am doing my best to move on but always end up doing something stupid! I need to stop caring!

[hurts_so_bad]

hi DOT

 

I was just gonna order divorce remedy online...Do you think it will help anything being she still seems uninterested?

[Hopefulandinlove]

I think her guard is still up. She's not actively dating right? Try to see her 2x a week instead of one. Stop telling her how u feel. Just keep showing it. Learn to keep your mouth closed. When you feel the urge to say something to her, write it down in your phone. Text it to yourself. Then u got it out, but she didn't hear it. Now is not the time for you to be asking her her feelings. Just keep being the best man u can be to her.

[dreamingoftigers]

hi DOT

 

I was just gonna order divorce remedy online...Do you think it will help anything being she still seems uninterested?

 

My husband moved to another city. He's sitting beside me now.

 

Have either of you filed? I haven't kept up.

 

I told myself I wasn't going to give up until the final papers came through.

 

I think spending more time with your kids is key.

 

You can release it any time you want. It's up to you.

[hurts_so_bad]

I do believe she is seeing or dating someone. I know she had a thing with a guy at work when we first seperated...whether thats still going on or not or if there is another I have no idea...I was down by the computer the other day and there was a sheet of paper with all love songs written on it, So you know what im thinking right? Im probably right too...As for filing I have the seperation agreement papers here from my attorney which are on their way to hers..Thats as far as we have gotten..

[hurts_so_bad]

Ok here is what I am thinking....I am going up again Wed...I think I am going to give her a copy of the seperation agreement and ask her if this is what she really wants before things get finalized. If she says yes I think I am just going to tell her ok and say to her...look,

 

Its been 6 months of which I was still in hopes we could reconcile...After telling you how I felt last Wed morning with no response I realize now things are over... I was very patient and tried to be as friendly as possible both for our kids and in hopes we could work things out. Now that I see its not possible I cant do this with you anymore...

 

I wanted to be your husband not your friend! From here on out till I buy you out of the home I dont want any contact with you while I am here to see the kids...unless it is absolutely necessary about the kids or a emergency. As U already know I still care for u and continuing to be friendly with you is stopping me from moving on...and I need too