getting over myself

[hurts_so_bad]

Congrats on the license...and well, I'm not a man, but my two cents worth is that it was never about sex or stamina...it was about the lack of emotional intimacy that the chaos of the drinking brought to the relationship.

 

She's gone Hurts....do her a favor and let her go if you ever loved at all. She may not have ever stopped loving you, but she did stop being a caretaker for you. It's time for you to learn to do that for yourself....and if you did the steps, you should know that.

 

Your concentration should be focused on being a good dad, being the best you can be to yourself...from the heart up...not the waist down.

Hey Trippi nice to hear from you...I know and I am doing everything i have to do be the best man I can be for me and my children..Things are going well and I am doing great! I do miss her but I am past a lot of the hurt and anger at this point..Its just that one issue I cant seem to shake! Hope all is well with you!

[trippi1432]

Personally Hurts, you want HER to give you that validation when you never needed it.

 

Rebuild from what you have learned, stop validating who you are and get in touch with your own emotions before you put them on someone else. It's not fair to anyone else to carry your baggage, it's also not fair to ask someone else to live in it either.

[2sunny]

Personally Hurts, you want HER to give you that validation when you never needed it.

 

Rebuild from what you have learned, stop validating who you are and get in touch with your own emotions before you put them on someone else. It's not fair to anyone else to carry your baggage, it's also not fair to ask someone else to live in it either.

 

I agree.

 

It's also not healthy to expect OTHERS to validate us. That should come from within... Then your healthy self offered to others.

[Gunny376]

The truth of the matter is when it comes to sex? Your averge Joe Smucketelle' sucks big time ~ but he just doesn't know it.

 

Sex for men? Is pretty much a slam dunk and for even more its pretty much a wham, bam and a Thank Ya' Ma'am. A lot of men don't get that for women it can be that way? But that all the more its an emotional thing as wel ~ much more than the actual act itself. For a woman its the totality of the before, during and after, with the before and after having just as much a siginificance ~ and for some ~ more than the middle event.

 

A lot of guys think that the size of the "Johnson" has a lot to do with it, and for some women that may be true? But it actually has more to do with the motion of the ocean than the size of the ocean~ if you get what I mean. And a lot ~ and I do mean a lot ~ has to do with a little thing called timing ~ OK that and a lot of paitence and being a slow handed lover.

 

Sure there are woman that hot passionate monkey sex ~ from time to time ~ but most prefer anticipation ~ and the build up. If you want to have hot passionate sex on Sunday? Then you need to start working for it on the preceding Monday.

 

But sex in and itself isn't enough to keep a woman around. This I know from personal exeperiecne? Becauces 1. I've had women dump me and tell me, "Sex was never one our problems!" 2. I've had women that have dump me come back around just for the sex!

 

I've read every book about sex since back in the Seventies ~ starting with "Everything You've Ever Wanted To Know About Sex, But We Afraid to Ask? to the "Senious Man" etc.

 

I was never (From a Woman's perspective anyway in 20/20 hindsight) a good lover , until I read "How To Satisfy A Woman EVERYTIME! And Have Her Beg For More...,......."

 

Amazon.com: How To Satisfy A Woman EVERYTIME! And Have Her Beg For More...,.......": Books

 

Its a ridicously thin book! Very quick read! Most of it BS! Take or leave it, because it goes on about legalizing marjuania, vitamins, diet supplements, holistic healing. But there's one small part about the actualy act that is worth buying the book for? It describes sex from a woman's perspective.

 

Another book that I gained a lot from (It deals more with foreplay and afterplay ~ but once you see some of the illustrations it'll crack you up BIG TIME ~ was "How To Give Her Absolute Pleasure!" Amazon.com: How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure: Totally Explicit Techniques Every Woman Wants Her Man to Know (9780767904520): Lou Paget: Books

 

And then there's the matter of manners ~ and yes there's a such thing as manners when it comes to sex, women, and the bedroom. A book that helped me understand this was ~ "Mayflower Madum's Guide To Bedroom Manners" Under The Covers Of 'Mayflower Manners': An Etiquette Manual For Sex - Orlando Sentinel

 

Women pay attention to detail, and to little things! Small things, big things and all things about the men they're about to sleep with?

 

And then there's that word that most of us men have very little if any comprehension of? Romance!

 

I got a lot of mileage out of a $6 paperback entitled "Light Her Fire" which lead down the rabbit hole of undertanding ~ or a least a better comprehension thereof ~ women?

 

Amazon.com: Light Her Fire: How to Ignite Passion, Joy, and Excitement in the Woman You Love (9780440212492): Ellen Kreidman: Books

 

 

BUT! Even with all of this new found wisdom? You simply need to understand that you could be this, that, and the other, be great in bed, be certifably sane in each and everyway, own a chain of liqour stores, be Donald Trump, Bill Gates and Warren Buffest rolled all into one?

 

A some woman you've got with? Will STILL dump you!

 

Why?

 

Because they can!

 

And because they want to!

[NYWoman]

Sometimes you men just don't get it.

 

Great sex is great sex. But, life and relationships are not all about great sex.

 

As trippi gently said to really connect there also has to be emotional intimacy.

 

It could be as simple as the OM does jig saw puzzles with her.

[Gunny376]

Sometimes you men just don't get it.

 

Great sex is great sex. But, life and relationships are not all about great sex.

 

As trippi gently said to really connect there also has to be emotional intimacy.

 

It could be as simple as the OM does jig saw puzzles with her.

 

Oh believe me! I for one "Get It"

 

Its the other second by second ~ the minute by minute ~ the hour by hour ~ day by day ~

 

And being one that does "Get It" ~ really don't know that I can put it into words for those other men that, well? Don't get "It"

[Gunny376]

Sometimes you men just don't get it.

 

Great sex is great sex. But, life and relationships are not all about great sex.

 

As trippi gently said to really connect there also has to be emotional intimacy.

 

It could be as simple as the OM does jig saw puzzles with her.

 

Just to keep it simple? Its the other 23.5 hours you spend outside of the bedroom? Men tend to want a "Microwave" relationship WHILE most women want and need a Crock Pot relationship on set on low that you add stuff (Spices in measured amounts ~ pinch here, a smiggen there) as it slowly cooks on a low simmer.

 

Its paying attention to detail, not hanging one her every word? But making and taking notes!

 

Its got a lot to do with the little things, the reassuring, the comforting, making her feel safe and secure in her realtionships with you. Its making her feel safe and secure and as stress free as possible. It has to do with validating.

 

It has a lot to do with just waking the Hell up, taking notice, appreicating her?

 

Not taking her for granted! Not using her and treating her as VLSS ~ Vaginal Life Support System ~ or sperm depository! Its working all day long and hard NOT taking her for granted.

 

Its has to do with taking the time to give some actual thought about her as and individual wants, needs, concerns, worries, etc.

 

Its about not taking her for granted ~ a given. Its about not becoming complacient! Its about not getting into a rut?

 

Its about reassuring her, validating her, accepting that in this "other world experience" I've created for you and I? You don't have to be the perfect anything to anyone. That I love you and I'm not going anywhere.

 

I understand these things ~ and even then? I have to work at them daily.

 

Not as a man? But as an individual involved with Mrs. Gunny. As part of relationship ~ the you , me and "us"

 

Mrs Gunny is over in MS with the DS and DIL, and grandsons. She came down with a stomach virius?

 

IMMEDIATELY! I went to Walgreens and got her a "Get Well Card" and bought a bunch of over the counter med's that one could and would use for such?

 

I know she's already got all of that! And she can go and get it from over there.

 

Trouble is?

 

It didn't come from ME! :love: :love:

[2.50 a gallon]

h-s-b

 

Quite often the woman having an affair will admit that the affair sex was not all that good.

 

The reason she kept coming back for more was the way the OM treated her. He listened to her, he validated her, told her she was smart, told her she was still beautiful and desirable. And she in turn used sex, even though it was bad, to keep him coming back it

[2.50 a gallon]

h-s-b

 

One of my observations is that quite often a woman will put up with a bad marriage for years, she will keep forgiving and trying again, and again, and again. But once she is done, it is as you said she left and never looked back

 

In short they married the guy they fell in love with, and when it turns bad they don't give up, and they give it several more chances, but there comes a time when the love switch inside of her gets turned off.

 

And then it is like after you found our that there is no Santa, there is no going back to believing.

[2sunny]

This is why I know you're not ready to date and be a great partner...

 

Because you're thinking of yourself!

 

 

It's as simple - yet complicated as that.

 

 

I want a man who is thinking/doing for me - while I'm thinking and doing for him = good balance.

[Gunny376]

It's as simple - yet complicated as that.

 

That's the reason I said that I "Get It" ~ but don't know if I can find the words to explain it to someone who doesn't?

 

A paradox I know!

 

The closest I've come in words ~

 

"Its not how you make a woman feel about you? Its about how you make a woman feel about herself when she's with you!" Lke you said its so simple yet compicated? There's a lot of of "Big Bang" tied up in those words? Its like the current concept of physics that the enitre known universe erupted from a single atom? I use to work in a lab where a "little" is a lot! Where talking a difference of .0002 to a .0001 variation?

 

Its that differnce between the two, second by second, minute by minute, day by day, week by week, month by month, year by year that adds up to a lot! And then one day you find out she's walked on you having spent years upon years, hope against hope ~ you find out your "sack" is full and your out of gas mother-trucker!

 

Having spent years crawling my happy azz out from under the bus the XHEX threw me under after telling me, "You've got to change!" WITHOUT ever having told me before I had to change, nor what to change? Leaving me like a little crying school boy on the curb with my pants down around my knees and someone just stole my candy?

 

Oh! Yea! I get it! Not only do I "Get It" ~ I've got "it!" And you can bet your ever loving sweet azz! I ain't ever going to forget it!

 

Mrs Gunny tells me she wants to paint the house pink! You're going to see one happy camper out painting the house pink! She tells me she wants to landscape the place like something out of Dr. Seueus! Consider it done!

 

Not because I'm some azz-kissing, supplicating, spineless nutured male ~ but because I put her wants, needs, desires before mine ~ that No. #1

 

No.#2 is I put the "wants, needs, etc of "US" before my own.

 

Hell if I had my way the damned place would look more like a Vietnam camoflauge bunker with a 60" inch TV, a DVDR, a pantry full of MRE's, a fridge dedicated to just hold beer, and a Papa-San chair for me made out sandbags! Ugggg! Uggggg! Uggggg! (Said while beating chest!) I think Mrs Gunny would go for this just in so long as its on the backside of the back forty over the hill and behind the treeline away from the Pink house!

 

I can have my "Man Cave" just so long as its well? In a cave and not in the house!

 

IN my younger days when I was married? I was more interested in being "Right!"

 

Nowdays? I'm more interested in being Happy!

 

Mama's happy!

 

I'm happy!

 

Mama's not happy!

 

Gunny is going to take a personal interest in making DAMNED sure that the poor sorry soul that ain't makin' Mama happy SUFFERS!

 

And that includes her children! My children, whoever, whatever, whenever! She might be thier Mama, but the THING they do and need to understand?

 

SHE'S My wife! I WILL HURT YOU!

 

I can and will get down right stupid about this quick, fast and in a 'hurry-like'!

 

I'm going to go "Gunny" (As Mrs Gunny calls it!) on their azz! I've already done that once with the General Manager of the local Walmart! It wasn't pretty and it wasn't fun for him! By the time I got done with him he a clear pretty picture painted in his head!

Edited March 29, 2013 by Gunny376

[Darren Steez]

h-s-b

 

Quite often the woman having an affair will admit that the affair sex was not all that good.

 

The reason she kept coming back for more was the way the OM treated her. He listened to her, he validated her, told her she was smart, told her she was still beautiful and desirable. And she in turn used sex, even though it was bad, to keep him coming back it

 

I think that's a crock personally (in same cases). They say that not to hurt their spouses feelings but also validate why they kept going back for more while also laying the blame for lack of attention on their spouses. The litany of excuses "it never lasted long, he couldn't keep it up long, he was terrible in bed" It's never "I had mind blowing sex each and every time, he was much bigger than you and I craved him everytime I thought of him."

[2sunny]

h-s-b

 

Quite often the woman having an affair will admit that the affair sex was not all that good.

 

The reason she kept coming back for more was the way the OM treated her. He listened to her, he validated her, told her she was smart, told her she was still beautiful and desirable. And she in turn used sex, even though it was bad, to keep him coming back it

 

Woman? How about the men who cheat too?

 

Cheaters LIE! That's a fact!

 

There's no reason to believe anything they say!

[NYWoman]

Darren

 

No doubt affair sex can be exciting.

 

But I also know of women who have had physical affairs with men suffering from ED, who could barely get it up.

 

The sex was bad, they were not in it for the sex, they were in it for the way the OM made them feel about themselves

[trippi1432]

My thoughts, at the end of it all, isn't it more about how two people bring out the best in each other? Not essentially about sex, not essentially about how another person makes you feel about yourself.

 

Granted, two people who are in a mutually respectful relationship feel more secure about themselves. That's the benefit of having someone in your life that is respectful, supportive and caring while both individuals are able to take care of their own needs and know how to get their needs met in a healthy way in a relationship. This isn't always the case in relationships where alcohol abuse is going on. The emotional aspect becomes severely skewed in favor of the alcoholic needing the most attention while everyone else's needs get pushed to the background.

 

H-S-B, my advice for you is to get in touch with your emotions before you try to involve yourself in someone else's life. Even though you have given up the alcohol, your emotional ego is still acting in the alcoholic state where you feel someone else has to pick your ego up and fix it. That's still asking for a co-dependent to take care of you and healthy women run from that. You have to heal your emotional ego yourself.

 

As someone who has been recovering from an alcoholic and chaotic relationship of 15 years, I will tell you point-blank, I would never, ever date or marry an alcoholic or even a recovering one (not unless they have truly been through the work not just to quit, but to completely overcome the demons that led them there). That's just me though and my own baggage I carry after being negatively impacted by it. That's not to say that you aren't a good person who could learn and really work on yourself to present a healthy and confident man to a really good woman someday and be happy.

[hurts_so_bad]

My thoughts, at the end of it all, isn't it more about how two people bring out the best in each other? Not essentially about sex, not essentially about how another person makes you feel about yourself.

 

Granted, two people who are in a mutually respectful relationship feel more secure about themselves. That's the benefit of having someone in your life that is respectful, supportive and caring while both individuals are able to take care of their own needs and know how to get their needs met in a healthy way in a relationship. This isn't always the case in relationships where alcohol abuse is going on. The emotional aspect becomes severely skewed in favor of the alcoholic needing the most attention while everyone else's needs get pushed to the background.

 

H-S-B, my advice for you is to get in touch with your emotions before you try to involve yourself in someone else's life. Even though you have given up the alcohol, your emotional ego is still acting in the alcoholic state where you feel someone else has to pick your ego up and fix it. That's still asking for a co-dependent to take care of you and healthy women run from that. You have to heal your emotional ego yourself.

 

As someone who has been recovering from an alcoholic and chaotic relationship of 15 years, I will tell you point-blank, I would never, ever date or marry an alcoholic or even a recovering one (not unless they have truly been through the work not just to quit, but to completely overcome the demons that led them there). That's just me though and my own baggage I carry after being negatively impacted by it. That's not to say that you aren't a good person who could learn and really work on yourself to present a healthy and confident man to a really good woman someday and be happy.

 

you know thats what I get confused about though...Everyone says get in touch with your emotions and become a confident person.. What does that mean! I really really need to know cause it makes me feel like everyone else knows something I dont!

 

get in touch with your emotions...I knonw when I am happy or sad or mad or whatever! What else is there? Please explain this to me cause its very very confusing to be told this but not know what it all about or how to go about doing it!

 

As far as I am concerned I am a pretty damn confident man in most aspects of my life...I have a good job, a great personality and have a bunch of friends..I am not afraid to speak my mind and I know what I want in life..I pretty much have everything I want and need.

 

The only thing I am not so secure with is the women part of my life...Right now I am day by day getting over the ex and feeling much much better but! I still have a lack of confidence as if no decent women would want to bother with me..Like I am putting them on a pedestal as if they are better then me..I also have the lingering pain of getting over feeling inadequate due to my wife leaving me as if she found something better out there in that department..

 

Those are about the only two issues I find myself struggling with and I need to get over them. BUT HOW?! I dont know if its just time that will fix things or there is something I can do to fix what I feel about myself...Thats what I am asking..HOW?

 

I can read 500 posts with people saying you have to be more confident, know your emotions, get in touch with who you are...But there has got to be a direction on how to do these things no? If I told someone to build a plane whould they be able to? NOt without the proper directions!

Guess thats what I am asking for? Direction on how to do these things

[hurts_so_bad]

I agree.

 

It's also not healthy to expect OTHERS to validate us. That should come from within... Then your healthy self offered to others.

 

I would love nothing more then this but again...HOW? HOw do you go from being dumped in the matter I was and made feel like less of a man who has all these doubts about himself? to this self validating person

 

I want to be that person but how? I read this article....

How To Be The Most Confident Person In The World Personal Excellence

 

Its a great article but I feel I need reasons to be confident in certain aspects of my life..According to this article its all a state of mind...I dont know if I can ever convice myself of that..In a way I feel like I would be bull@@itting myself

 

The way I look at it is a person has to have reasons to be confident...If a person has a test and doesnt study can they be confident they will pass even so they have no clue? no..

[lahnes36]

I suppose you re all asking what u yave o provide to a rationship? the answer is not a whole lot. This relationship was my last stand. this is it. This is the end. Im ready to leave this world. I'll shortly be removed from this earth in a fittingly Darwinian fashion. This was it for me. My last stand.

[hurts_so_bad]

I suppose you re all asking what u yave o provide to a rationship? the answer is not a whole lot. This relationship was my last stand. this is it. This is the end. Im ready to leave this world. I'll shortly be removed from this earth in a fittingly Darwinian fashion. This was it for me. My last stand.

 

I hope you are not planning anything stupid! Listen I have been threw hell and back this entire year! At times it felt to me it would be so much easier for me to end it then go threw the pain, hurt, embarrasment, and every other emotion that comes to mind each and every day.

 

I was living out of my home with my brother in law for 3 months then my parents home for 5...I had and still have no license and at one point was unemployed...I felt like the biggest loser in the world! A man who's wife left him and started dating a younger guy, no home of my own, no license, and no job!

 

Here I am now back in my home, I have my job back, I see my kids all the time, and I am working on my license...Things are looking upo everyday and they will for you too...NO matter how much pain and hurt there may be it does subside and you will keep living! So please do not do anything stupid!

 

You know what they say about people who jump off buildings right? On the way down they say," What the HELL did I DO!" but by then its too late!

 

Please be cool and call a hospital or anyone to talk too!

[Darth Vader]

I hope you are not planning anything stupid! Listen I have been threw hell and back this entire year! At times it felt to me it would be so much easier for me to end it then go threw the pain, hurt, embarrasment, and every other emotion that comes to mind each and every day.

 

I was living out of my home with my brother in law for 3 months then my parents home for 5...I had and still have no license and at one point was unemployed...I felt like the biggest loser in the world! A man who's wife left him and started dating a younger guy, no home of my own, no license, and no job!

 

Here I am now back in my home, I have my job back, I see my kids all the time, and I am working on my license...Things are looking upo everyday and they will for you too...NO matter how much pain and hurt there may be it does subside and you will keep living! So please do not do anything stupid!

 

You know what they say about people who jump off buildings right? On the way down they say," What the HELL did I DO!" but by then its too late!

 

Please be cool and call a hospital or anyone to talk too!

 

 

I agree! Get help and some meds! NOW!

[hurts_so_bad]

I dont know why but for some reason I have this way of thinking...If a man isnt good in bed he is some sort of loser! Why I think this I dont know.. Maybe its where I grew up or society...

 

I just hope that one of these days I could get past these bad thoughts! Even so my ex has said sex was good and that was never the problem I still continuously harp on it as if it was...Maybe I am reaching my mid life crisis? I dont know!

 

I just remember being younger and the things I could do that I do not have the stamina for anymore which bothers me! Next step is Quitting smoking..I tried and suceeded for two weeks at new years but then went back..Its a really rough one for me especially with where my mind is at I sometimes feel its the only thing to keep me sain! lol...

 

Still waiting on answers to the Questions I asked earlier..Anyone?

[Meatballsmom]

I hope this helps

 

I was once in your wife's shoes. I married my Ex when I was yet 18. Yes the sex was great, but part of that was because we were young. What I didn't know when I married him was that he was an alcoholic. It started out slow and over the years got worse and worse. I stuck it out for two reasons, a. he was my husband and b. we had two kids.

 

For 20 years I listened to what I wanted to hear when he kept promising to stop drinking. Each and every time there would be an interlude, then slowly it would start up again.

 

After 20 years, I had had enough and moved out with the kids. This time he finally listened, joined A.A., even was clean and sober for over 2 years, but it was too late. Even though the sex had been great, and I had others to compare it with, there was nothing that he could have done to ever let him touch me again.

 

Luckily a few years down the road I did meet somebody new. And yes the sex was once again great, maybe even better than what I experienced when I was younger. But the reason the sex is so great with the new guy, is the way he treats me. I am his equal, we share everything, we do things together, as NYWoman, yes jig saw puzzles, shop, plant flowers, work in the garden, watch movies, cook and eat candle light dinners. It is going on to two decades now, both of us are reaching retirement, and yes we have both lost a step, but the sex is still awesome, it is the way he talks to me and shares his life with me, that makes the sex still great.

 

You could be the hottest looking guy on the planet with the hottest cars, tons of money to throw around, offer me trips to Monaco and Paris, but there is no way that I would give up on what I have at home. I am his.

 

You can be the greatest lover in the world when it comes to the bedroom, but until you connect with a women emotionally, that only leaves you with one point. And you need more than one point to win a woman's heart

[hurts_so_bad]

I hope this helps

 

I was once in your wife's shoes. I married my Ex when I was yet 18. Yes the sex was great, but part of that was because we were young. What I didn't know when I married him was that he was an alcoholic. It started out slow and over the years got worse and worse. I stuck it out for two reasons, a. he was my husband and b. we had two kids.

 

For 20 years I listened to what I wanted to hear when he kept promising to stop drinking. Each and every time there would be an interlude, then slowly it would start up again.

 

After 20 years, I had had enough and moved out with the kids. This time he finally listened, joined A.A., even was clean and sober for over 2 years, but it was too late. Even though the sex had been great, and I had others to compare it with, there was nothing that he could have done to ever let him touch me again.

 

Luckily a few years down the road I did meet somebody new. And yes the sex was once again great, maybe even better than what I experienced when I was younger. But the reason the sex is so great with the new guy, is the way he treats me. I am his equal, we share everything, we do things together, as NYWoman, yes jig saw puzzles, shop, plant flowers, work in the garden, watch movies, cook and eat candle light dinners. It is going on to two decades now, both of us are reaching retirement, and yes we have both lost a step, but the sex is still awesome, it is the way he talks to me and shares his life with me, that makes the sex still great.

 

You could be the hottest looking guy on the planet with the hottest cars, tons of money to throw around, offer me trips to Monaco and Paris, but there is no way that I would give up on what I have at home. I am his.

 

You can be the greatest lover in the world when it comes to the bedroom, but until you connect with a women emotionally, that only leaves you with one point. And you need more than one point to win a woman's heart

 

Thanks for the post it did help! I have one question though...What to you makes sex great? Is it more the feeling you have for the person and how they treat you and how you connect with them? Or is it the act itself...See I always worried and still worry that maybe I didnt last long enough once the actual sex started. Then I read online that the average is 3-7 minutes which made me feel like a stud cause i can go longer then that. Then I read articles that said hours! Im very confused with much of this stuff..

 

 

I was married pretty young and its the first time I have gone threw a breakup of this magnitude so I havent been really out there to know whats BS and whats not! I even started a thread on this here on loveshack and the answers were everywhere!

[hurts_so_bad]

I suppose you re all asking what u yave o provide to a rationship? the answer is not a whole lot. This relationship was my last stand. this is it. This is the end. Im ready to leave this world. I'll shortly be removed from this earth in a fittingly Darwinian fashion. This was it for me. My last stand.

 

Hope you are ok dude! please leave a response!

[hurts_so_bad]

 

H-S-B, my advice for you is to get in touch with your emotions before you try to involve yourself in someone else's life. Even though you have given up the alcohol, your emotional ego is still acting in the alcoholic state where you feel someone else has to pick your ego up and fix it. That's still asking for a co-dependent to take care of you and healthy women run from that. You have to heal your emotional ego yourself.

 

 

Still waiting for an answer on how to do this that I asked the other day...How do you get in touch with your emotions?