getting over myself

[hurts_so_bad]

Who makes you feel you are no longer good enough?

 

Its just how I feel after all that has happened...want to get out of this way of thinking about myself..sex insecurities

[trippi1432]

So....learn better self-talk. The only person taking you down at the moment is you. Positive self-talk would and does help.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well what is it about then trippi? It is about my life and wanting to be happy isnt it? Yes I do feel jealousy and envy! I will admit that! The very things my ex wanted me to do to (stop drinking and partying) she is now doing like or rolls have reversed in a way...Which leaves me to believe the reason she gave me for leaving was all a crock of *****...

 

I like to go out and I like to have fun too...I know thats not my wifes problem but I feel I am sitting here with nothing but working my @@s off lonely to an empty house with no option to just run! Your right my wings are clipped! I have no freedom to just get up and go if I want to and I have a damn good reason to be mad about it when its interupting my life!

 

I cannot see how that cant be noticed? Like I said I was just venting cause there is absolutely nothing anyone can say or do to change the way my life is right now..No one! Its just extremely aggrevating that I cant get mine up and running the way she has.. I have to save some more money and make sure i file for the divorce asap...

 

I think that will be a partial closure for me...Although we are not together I still feel there is an oath to the marriage between us and the longer she is out screwing around with whoever, the more it makes me look like a jerk because I am still legitimately married to her!

 

Now that you've stopped drinking and partying etc. Does it not occur to you that she DID dump you for these reasons plus all of the stress you put her through. And now that you've stopped these things it was (mostly) too late because she'd already had enough evidence over the years that you wouldn't put her and the kids first, even when her health was on the line?

 

And the fact that it had to come down to this for you to take her seriously says that (from her perspective) that relationship wouldn't be viable.

 

Marriages take more effort to maintain than NOT "Collossially effing up."

They require a certain sensitivity to your partner and responsibility for your own actions. You are still so mad at her, even after all of this time has passed. You still resent her for your situation.

 

After putting your family through 3 DUIs, nights of partying etc etc etc. you don't think that this is just a natural consequence of what happens when you do that to a partner?

 

Who really cares, aside from her kids, MAYBE, if she goes out now to date and have fun? She's not doing it irresponsibly as far as you have mentioned. She's not getting DUIs. And as for the oath of marriage between you. You haven't taken that any more seriously than she currently is. You already hooked up with at least one other person.

 

Prior to that I recall her having to fish you out of a strip club one night. How embarrassing.

 

Don't lash back at me over this post. I get that your upset over losing your wife and kids. I get that 110%. And you do know what you would do differently. But there seems to be a real disconnect between what you have done and what's happened. It seems like you just notice the "middleman," HER. You view her as the decision-maker that gave you the shaft. Your decisions shafted you.

 

Frankly, I'm surprised she stayed through 3 DUIs with heart problems. The stress could have effing killed her. If I had to choose between stress on my overtaxed heart and marriage to someone who wasn't respecting me. No-brainer. I would have to preserve my health first.

 

It was your choices that set this ball in motion. Like Indiana Jones trying to run away from that boulder of past decisions before it crushes you. Yet somehow, you've assigned the blame to your backpack being to heavy for you to run quick enough.

[dreamingoftigers]

ok so again, I am going to ask how? How do you learn to love yourself? After being left by someone you loved and made to feel inadequate how do you learn to love yourself? I can do all the AA and keeping myself busy all I want. Thats just a bandaid and keeps my mind busy but to me it does not solve the problem. To me its just covering things up for the meantime.

 

Or is it all just time healing wounds? How do you learn to love yourself? its easy to say but how is it done? After being made feel you are no longer good enough? How is it done?

 

How do you learn to love yourself?

 

The only way I learned was kind of by accident.

 

I went out and got something for myself that I liked that wasn't unhealthy or addictive. I got myself a little gift just because I liked it. Just me. Not my dumb husband or anyone else that had anything to say about it.

 

I didn't take anyone's opinion into account. I just got myself something little and nice because I wanted to. I spoiled myself just that small bit.

 

Than somehow it kind of clicked that I wasn't such a bad person after all. That I had become the person I wanted to be and I felt really good about that.

 

If you don't love yourself right now, who, short of absolute perfection would you love?

 

Design THAT guy. And make your goals knowing that some things in the world will hold you back sometimes, but as long as you are consciously making changes to become that guy, for healthy reasons. Somewhere along the line you''ll realize that you are keeping most of your promises to yourself. And then you are able to somewhat trust yourself. When you can trust yourself, than you can respect yourself. After that, it's a helluva a lot easier to love yourself. You'll love who you are becoming and putting the effort into you to become THAT guy, you'll love that you are someone who picks themselves up in the face of adversity. That you don't look at the world as bleak.

 

The biggest sign of self-love and genuine love for others: gratitude. You'll become grateful for what you DO have in your life.

 

You'll even be grateful for the lessons you learned from your marriage. You'll be grateful you had those years together. And your kids. You'll be grateful from the lessons you learned from your DUIs. You'll truly appreciate when you'll be able to drive much more.

 

Gratitude and resent don't go together in the same package. If you pick up one, you have to let the other go. (Oh crap. Now I have to take my own advice )

 

An exercise that helped me through a bleak time was to keep a journal. BUT only record the positive stuff that happened that day. At first I was like, "Hey, what? But then I won't remember any of the other stuff that happened." Then it clicked: "Why the Hell would I want to remember any of the negative stuff?"

 

It helped. You make yourself write AT LEAST one positive every day. Even if it is: The Sun came up today. (Truth be told, I didn't have to resort to that one but if you do, you'll probably get really sick of writing that over and over and start looking or creating things to be happy about.)

[trippi1432]

Everything Dot said!!! And it would help you to face your anger. You create anger yourself, it's not what she is doing to you, it's what you are doing to yourself. You can get to acceptance, self pity is not acceptance.

[hurts_so_bad]

So....learn better self-talk. The only person taking you down at the moment is you. Positive self-talk would and does help.

 

This is the type of info I need to know...I set my alatm in my phone for every halh hour and when it goes off I think of something that makes me happy and also tell myself ni ine us better then me....Do u honestly think this works? Im just cutious cause I have alwaya looked at it that I need a reason or something to be confident about...so just talking yourself.up works?

[2sunny]

I don't know anyone who digs being around others with negative things to say about THEMSELF.

 

It does harm to self when you talk and think negative things of self.

 

Didn't you address this in the "harms done" portion of your 4th step? I think you need to DO a THOROUGH 4th step again!

 

Each and every time I feel sad or angry about anything - I write it out in 4th step form - then discuss it with someone. You should always continue doing this.

[hurts_so_bad]

I 110% agree with what you said DOT ..I will never get angry with you (DOT) by the way...All You guys have helped me so much this past year whether it was with constructive critism or not I do appreciate all you have done to try and help me threw this all.. Even so at times it seems I do not listen..I do..

 

I know the mistakes I made that hurt it all....The thing I get angery about is that there were times when she made it sound like we may get back together at one point which kind of strung me along...I dont know if it was just her confusion or what but I kept hanging on to those little things and now that she hasnt come back I am kind of angry for 2 reasons..

 

1..I felt she kind of stung me along which prevented me from realizing it was completely over which probably would have saved me healing time..

 

2.Maybe she was confused and figured maybe at one point we will get back together but now she has found someone better which really really bothers me!

 

I dont know how women feel about it..Im sure its probably pretty close to the same but it kills a man to think that his women prefers to be with another man and that she is enjoying another man...Makes you question yourself and feel inadequate..It sucks!

 

There is no doubt that I do still love her and that is why this still bothers me..Although its getting easier day by day without her the thing that really bothers me is the fact that I myself am having a hard time moving on due to my feeling for her and things that I cannot control..

 

I know I am not but Sometimes I feel like a complete loser going to a therapist over all this..I feel like Im still broken down when I shouldnt be and she amoungst others are laughing behind my back like I am some sort of loser...Everyone tells me, including my mom that it takes time to get over a relationship that was so long..Maybe I am rushing things and expect too much from myself..

 

Bottom line is, I know I care way to much what others think of me probably because I need their validation because of my low self esteem or something..Thats what I am confused about! Is it that or something else?

 

If any of you guys on here ever met me you would never guess that I have any problems in the world! I carry myself very well... I have a bunch of friends, the guys on the job love me, I make friends wherever I go....I am a very friendly outspoken guy who loves to laugh and have fun...I am not one of these people who as Sunny said, Has a bad attitude and always talking negative etc, etc...Thats not me.. The way I am shows 100% confidence so maybe I am picking at the wrong problem here..

 

Actually it just came to me that a person can be confident in many many things in life but also not have confidence in some..My pesonality, my skills, my job, etc...I am very confident with...I am not confident in feeling adequate with my skills with women outside or under the covers....

 

This lack of confidence in that department probably stems from me thinking she found someone better and thats why she never looked back but the bottom line is, It probably wasnt but even if it was, I shouldnt care..I should have the attitude that hey, If i wasnt doing something right you should have said something! I know I am probably focusing to much on that as well! As if its what makes me a MAN! But for a man if his ego in that department is hurt..Its very hard to flip your way of thinking...

 

A man can be the strongest man in the world, the handsomist, the richest, most confident in almost everythinge...But if he has low confidence about his skills in that one department it kind of overshadows all else! If a man feels he has a problem in that deparment he is less of a man regardless of all else...I know Thats the wrong way to think but its how I think and Im sure many other men do to in MO

 

These are the hurdles I have to get over somehow but sometimes I think I am getting tired of trying to change myself both mentally and physically tired..Maybe it is normal to feel this way for a while after and that time will fix things in which case I am just beating myself up trying to change the way I think for nothing...

Edited April 6, 2013 by hurts_so_bad

[trippi1432]

I know the mistakes I made that hurt it all....The thing I get angery about is that there were times when she made it sound like we may get back together at one point which kind of strung me along...I dont know if it was just her confusion or what but I kept hanging on to those little things and now that she hasnt come back I am kind of angry for 2 reasons..

 

1..I felt she kind of stung me along which prevented me from realizing it was completely over which probably would have saved me healing time..

 

2.Maybe she was confused and figured maybe at one point we will get back together but now she has found someone better which really really bothers me!

 

I dont know how women feel about it..Im sure its probably pretty close to the same but it kills a man to think that his women prefers to be with another man and that she is enjoying another man...Makes you question yourself and feel inadequate..It sucks!

 

I get this HSB, I do. String-along words are total BS, they ARE meant to mess with your mind. My ex-SO did it to me as well, and at over four months out, I still haven't started dating again yet. I did call him out on his BS when he put them on me, but I'm taking the time to heal my heart before I put myself out there so I don't get hurt again.

 

String-along BS I was given,

 

1 - "Will you wait for me? [to get my head straight]. I asked what that time limit was, he didn't know. I knew that....everybody knows that a person who has checked out has no idea how long that will take. Especially someone who is running from their emotions and can't open up. Take it at face value and know that anyone who asks this of you is in a severe fog of what they want. Don't be a backup plan. I did give him 3 days to see where his head was, he rejected the relationship and that's all I needed to know to move forward in healing.

 

2 - He said, "I don't see this as being over!" - But it was the moment his tires left my driveway. My opinion, he had already been checking out for maybe a month or more....I was already a distant memory in the rear-view mirror.

 

3 - He said, "I don't want any other woman!" - He could be right, but to think that someone who says that will be alone forever is a logical fallacy. He will be with someone else, currently, he needed to build his security at where he thought his failings were and went out and bought a house. Truth be told, he started shopping mortgages 5 days after the left.....this tells me that our relationship was never really a priority to begin with. For him, it was just "comfortable". (I own a home, have met my financial needs...those things are not important to me nor do I need a man to provide them which he knew and was fine with....so he claimed.)

 

What this all told me HSB is that I need to start a relationship with a man who is my equal, not someone who feels they need to compete or catch up with me. Even low self-esteem can be unattractive to people, especially when someone is so "caught up" in their own problems that they can't be present in the relationship. I felt that many times in our relationship...that he wasn't "present" and when I would ask him about that, he would tell me that he felt like he wasn't where he should be in his life. It had nothing to do with me or what I was or wasn't doing....it had everything to do with him needing to be where he felt like a stronger person.

 

What you said before, about lacking confidence, the paragraph above it a very good reason why you need to build your self-esteem, be where you want to be in life and know yourself....love yourself for who you are. If you can't love you, you can't give love. If you love yourself too much, you can be too selfish with love. Balance and knowing that love is an emotion, but it isn't overly emotional nor is it emotionless. Lack of confidence doesn't have to just be about sex for a person not to flourish in a relationship, it can be not doing more with your life, not having built the security you need to move forward in life. If you walk through life feeling unfulfilled in these other areas, a man isn't capable of having a genuine relationship...that's what I have learned.

 

Letting go does hurt HSB, but understand, you can let go by controlling how you feel and understand will help you heal. What she does has nothing to do with you, or is meant to hurt you, she is just living her life. She owes you nothing in regards to living her life, if you don't want to know or see it, you control what you want to know and see.

 

You feel like you need to compete with her moving on to someone else.....have you ever competed with a house? (Joking!...it's my sarcasm dealing with reality ) Truth is, when my ex-SO said he didn't know if he loved me anymore and didn't know when he stopped loving me, I believed him and started the process of letting go, it's the best thing I can do for me.

[hurts_so_bad]

but I'm taking the time to heal my heart before I put myself out there so I don't get hurt again.

 

 

but I'm taking the time to heal my heart before I put myself out there so I don't get hurt again.

 

 

see this is the thing that I dont get...To me it doesnt matter how you feel about yourself...You can be the most confident person in the world but when you let your heart go and fall in love with someone there is no way to prevent getting hurt again in my eyes....If you love someone and they leave its going to hurt no matter what or how confident you are. Thats the risk we all take in falling in love with someone..

 

Confidence to me (the way I see it) is to live your life without questioning yourself, your thoughts, your emotions...without trying to change your thoughts and emotions in order to be happy all the time especially in times we are hurt...We are hurt and thats all there is to it..Its a bad time in life...Thats it...Why try to fight it thinking I shouldnt feel this way, I am supposed to be happy all the time! No!

 

We are all in the pursuit of happiness but I think that we kind of get mixed up thinking that we can all be happy ALL of the time and try to condition ourselves to be so...Thats going to be nothing but a let down! Hopefully we are happy most of the time but there are going to be time when we are not...Thats life and thats what we need to accept

 

Sure I feel like **** but instead of excepting that thats how things are for now, I find myself questioning and thinking I should not feel this way...I had a 18 year marriage and 20 years together with this women..Its supposed to hurt! accepting that it hurts without questioning why it still hurts to me is pure confidence...

 

If someone chopped off their finger it would hurt like hell but there would be no question of why the pain is there...Because we all know that its normal to feel that pain!

 

I am still hurt inside and I have done everything I can possibly do to lessen the pain but its still there cause its natural...Its all a matter of time thats the key...I am tired of trying to change my thought process to lessen the pain..It only confuses things more when it doesnt work!

 

I am just going to live my life and roll with al its punches...There are going to be times I am happy, sad, mad, frustrated, etc...For whatever reason it is, it is...I may be mad over something someone thinks is ridiculous but thats what makes me ME.... Accepting that without questioning that is to me what confidence is about..

[hurts_so_bad]

Hey guys hope all is well..I havent been on in a bit...Ive been extremely busy between work, the gym, my theropist, etc and dont have much time to get on...Things are getting better day by day...I now realize that I tore myself apart thinking I was insecure therefore, Tried to change who I am, but that wasnt the problem at all

 

I realize now that I am unhappy with the situation I am in which needless to say makes me unhappy...It was nothing to do with insecurities...Dont get me wrong. there are still a few things that I am insecure about but everyone has things that they are insecure about and the only way to get over those insecurities is to work on that particular thing.

 

Since I have realized this I am much clearer in my head and feel so much better not thinking everyday what my problem was...There was no problem with me but I didnt get it..The problem was me being unhappy with a situation. But that situation was a situation I had no control over and trying to control it made me think I had a problem cause I couldnt...If that makes sense!

 

Just wanted to update all and let you guys know I am still here and still breathing! Hope all is well with everyone!

[trippi1432]

Makes perfect sense HSB. Good to hear things are going better.

[2.50 a gallon]

One day at a time.

[hurts_so_bad]

Hey guys hope all is well...Just wanted to come on to say things are still improving day by day but I still find myself getting stuck at times.. Even so I hate to admitt it I find myself thinking of her a lot and her being with someone else and it still gets me upset..

 

I have a friend of mine that told me sleeping with the tv on (which I used to do) is not good for you..I stopped and fond that I have a lot more dreams...Unfortunately the dreams I have are about you know who alot! lol...

 

I find myself many days not feeling good enough and I am still working on that but it does s@@k! Being rejected and unwanted by someone I love really makes me get down on myself and sometimes I see women that I really would like to meet but have this feeling inside like I am not good enough or not man enough..

 

It really hurts to feel this way about yourself..Ive been doing my positive self talk as much as I can and when I get the bad thoughts about myself..I tell myself that I am a great guy and just as good as anyone else in the world..It does work but its going take more time I think to really get over it..Hopefully not too much more time!

 

I just want to be at the stage of my life where i am confident again and can not care about her anymore..I do still love her even so at time I said I didnt but I just want to get over it already and move on..

 

I try to be as grateful as possible with what I have..My three kids, my home, my job, my friends, etc which helps...I think being truely grateful is the key to being content which in turn creates confidence.. Im working on it the best I can!

 

The thing that bothers me is Its 15 months now! Doesnt that seem like to long a time to still be in this funk?

[hurts_so_bad]

Hey guys...Havent been on in a while...Between working a lot, and taking care of the house and everything else its been crazy and I barely have time for myself...Just wanted to come on and say hello (hope all are well) and give an update on how things are going...

 

While things are definitely getting easier its still been a rough ride for me and I still feel that emptiness feeling in my chest...I have done everything to be a better man but I am still longing for that special someone to appear in my life and sometimes I just cant understand whats going on with that!

 

Im an attractive guy but cant seem to make heads or tails with why its been so hard to find someone I actually really like..people say the best way to get over things is to start dating again..That sounds easy enough but it hasnt been easy for me! Why I dont know!

 

I dont know but maybe its because of the bitterness I still feel inside of me.. I still think of the ex all the time but its now turned to bitterness..Let me explain why...This isnt anything you guys havent heard before but I am going to tell it again. She said she left the relationship with me cause of all the crap I did..Understandable! BUt you didnt have to leave and run into the arms of another man, or should I say 27 year old kid which made me fell like a failure as a man!

 

Now I heard that she dumped that guy and is now dating a 25 year old! WTF! You guys already know my insecurities in the bedroom dept and this kind of crap makes me feel I am right in thinking so! Bottom line is you left to have a better life cause I wasnt supportive and caused a lot of havock!

 

Why wouldnt you go and search for someone who is stable and will take care of you instead of settling for kids and partying all the time which is the exact thing you left this relationship for! Which all leaves me to believe it was all a BS story!

 

I see her quit often and I have always been friendly with her as she is to me but i find its alittle overly friendly and its time I put an end to that! I feel being overly friendly with her is telling her I accept everything she did and its now ok..

 

Its been a long time but i have finally decided to go no contact or as low contact as I can with her..Im still unfortunately love her but its time for me to be a man and show her that this crap that she did doesnt sit well with me...I also have a few more weeks to save a couple more $$ to finally file for the divorce!

 

I dont know what you guys feel but at the end of the day with everything that has happened and by her actions it just appears she wanted this seperation to go out and be with other men which I do not accept and feel that I can no longer trust a person like that...NO matter how hard it may be I have to put her in her place and behind my life!

 

Just wish moving on and finding another was as easy as people make it sound! Its not for lack of trying! I have been on all the popular dating web sites and it always seems the girls Im attracted too want nothing to do with me and visa versa! and its very very frustrating!

[Shocked Suzie]

I dont know but maybe its because of the bitterness I still feel inside of me.. I still think of the ex all the time but its now turned to bitterness..Let me explain why...This isnt anything you guys havent heard before but I am going to tell it again. She said she left the relationship with me cause of all the crap I did..Understandable! BUt you didnt have to leave and run into the arms of another man, or should I say 27 year old kid which made me fell like a failure as a man!

 

This is why you haven't found someone else...because you still feel so much resentment and show bitterness probably without even knowing it....you probably also TRY to hard....it takes time to heal..some longer than others, when you are at peace within yourself maybe things will just fall into place

Now I heard that she dumped that guy and is now dating a 25 year old! WTF! You guys already know my insecurities in the bedroom dept and this kind of crap makes me feel I am right in thinking so! Bottom line is you left to have a better life cause I wasnt supportive and caused a lot of havock!

 

You need to look at this as... These are her insecurities! This isn't a dig at you..she too hasn't found happiness. The fact that she has left the man that she split up with you over means to me that she has he own inward issues to deal with too and you shouldn't take what she is doing now personally. You need to put all your energy into your repair and stop thinking too deeply into what she is doing 'you guys have split' she and you are free to do as you wish...her actions now just confirm to me her own inward insecurities

Why wouldnt you go and search for someone who is stable and will take care of you instead of settling for kids and partying all the time which is the exact thing you left this relationship for! Which all leaves me to believe it was all a BS story!

because she doesn't want this ... Sadly, hard as it is...she doesn't want this with you. It's not personal, just the hard/sad fact of how it is and how she feels and that's part of life and ending of relationships 'unfortunately' some don't last ....don't beat yourself up over this

I see her quit often and I have always been friendly with her as she is to me but i find its alittle overly friendly and its time I put an end to that! I feel being overly friendly with her is telling her I accept everything she did and its now ok..

 

*trying too hard* sod her be polite, cool, calm and walk away ....telling her to me 'if I was her' would be thinking 'your not ok with it all AND in her mind set ...she probably couldn't careless about the information anyway...don't leave yourself open for hurt

Just wish moving on and finding another was as easy as people make it sound! Its not for lack of trying! I have been on all the popular dating web sites and it always seems the girls Im attracted too want nothing to do with me and visa versa! and its very very frustrating!

 

 

NC or very minimal contact is the only way to go here!

 

Maybe your trying too hard...chill, don't over compensate and find yourself and then be yourself....I won't try to move on until I'm happy within myself or it just won't work. I know it's hard and it's been a while but find inner calm/love/peace and the rest will fall into place.

 

It's a crappy journey, but reading your post it shows that you are getting there

Edited June 8, 2013 by Shocked Suzie

[hurts_so_bad]

This is why you haven't found someone else...because you still feel so much resentment and show bitterness probably without even knowing it....you probably also TRY to hard....it takes time to heal..some longer than others, when you are at peace within yourself maybe things will just fall into place

 

 

You need to look at this as... These are her insecurities! This isn't a dig at you..she too hasn't found happiness. The fact that she has left the man that she split up with you over means to me that she has he own inward issues to deal with too and you shouldn't take what she is doing now personally. You need to put all your energy into your repair and stop thinking too deeply into what she is doing 'you guys have split' she and you are free to do as you wish...her actions now just confirm to me her own inward insecurities

because she doesn't want this ... Sadly, hard as it is...she doesn't want this with you. It's not personal, just the hard/sad fact of how it is and how she feels and that's part of life and ending of relationships 'unfortunately' some don't last ....don't beat yourself up over this

 

 

*trying too hard* sod her be polite, cool, calm and walk away ....telling her to me 'if I was her' would be thinking 'your not ok with it all AND in her mind set ...she probably couldn't careless about the information anyway...don't leave yourself open for hurt

 

 

 

NC or very minimal contact is the only way to go here!

 

Maybe your trying too hard...chill, don't over compensate and find yourself and then be yourself....I won't try to move on until I'm happy within myself or it just won't work. I know it's hard and it's been a while but find inner calm/love/peace and the rest will fall into place.

 

It's a crappy journey, but reading your post it shows that you are getting there

 

Thanks for the post..It was very refreshing to hear! I have been working on myself becoming a better man in more then one way..Its just not easy to get past the negative thoughts sometimes about all that has happened and about myself feeling not good enough due to the breakup..

 

Its a tough road and its been 16 months now! I sometimes feel I will never get over this! I know they say it takes a long time but damn! 16 months!?

 

I have been threw all this find yourself in my head and it got me more crazy! I just believe being yourself means acting and being who you are comfortably without questioning yourself and thoughts all the time..

 

As for loving yourself this was and still is a big part of my problem...I was looking for every reason to love myself but one big aspect (my insecurities in the sexual dept) was overshadowing any good things I was able to think about about myself to make myself feel good about me..Cause as you know most men think with their d@cks and if you feel there is a problem in that dept you are automatically less of a man!

 

So I did read up on some stuff and the truth is You dont have to be anything to love yourself or be confident..Its all a state of mind.. Kids that grow up in a household where they are shown all sorts of love and affection turn out most of the time to be very confident people who have self love..This isnt because they necessarily accomplished building the pyramids..Its only because it was instilled in them since they are kids

[Shocked Suzie]

Thanks for the post..It was very refreshing to hear! I have been working on myself becoming a better man in more then one way..Its just not easy to get past the negative thoughts sometimes about all that has happened and about myself feeling not good enough due to the breakup..

 

Its a tough road and its been 16 months now! I sometimes feel I will never get over this! I know they say it takes a long time but damn! 16 months!?

 

I have been threw all this find yourself in my head and it got me more crazy! I just believe being yourself means acting and being who you are comfortably without questioning yourself and thoughts all the time.

 

As for loving yourself this was and still is a big part of my problem...I was looking for every reason to love myself but one big aspect (my insecurities in the sexual dept) was overshadowing any good things I was able to think about about myself to make myself feel good about me..Cause as you know most men think with their d@cks and if you feel there is a problem in that dept you are automatically less of a man!

 

So I did read up on some stuff and the truth is You dont have to be anything to love yourself or be confident..Its all a state of mind.. Kids that grow up in a household where they are shown all sorts of love and affection turn out most of the time to be very confident people who have self love..This isnt because they necessarily accomplished building the pyramids..Its only because it was

instilled in them since they are kids

 

 

The fact that you are aware of your weaknesses is a huge step in the right direction...issues that have been around or inside of you for many years are hard to shift or live with....try not to be so hard on yourself and try to chill a bit...maybe rather than trying to deal with big stuff, try to appreciate the little simple things in life first, stuff that most people walk right past...listen to others, without talking hear about other peoples lives...you'll get an appreciation and see that everyone has their own **** and your not alone

 

I think for you and I ....many others put in this awful situation, is the need to find inner happiness to be able to move forward

 

Look at your strengths rather than your weaknesses, a positive person attracts the interest of others...rather than one with inner anger and baggage

[hurts_so_bad]

The fact that you are aware of your weaknesses is a huge step in the right direction...issues that have been around or inside of you for many years are hard to shift or live with....try not to be so hard on yourself and try to chill a bit...maybe rather than trying to deal with big stuff, try to appreciate the little simple things in life first, stuff that most people walk right past...listen to others, without talking hear about other peoples lives...you'll get an appreciation and see that everyone has their own **** and your not alone

 

I think for you and I ....many others put in this awful situation, is the need to find inner happiness to be able to move forward

 

Look at your strengths rather than your weaknesses, a positive person attracts the interest of others...rather than one with inner anger and baggage

 

I know i have been threw it all...The law of attraction blah blah blah! lol...I believe in it but in the state of mind I am still in makes it very hard to be positive and think of the good things at times...Ive had a bad two days and I guess thats why I am messaging on here....

 

Its left me with so much resentment its unimaginable! I see her moving on with her life and Im here feeling like a rotting carcus! No drivers license, BS websites with girls I am not interested, friends that dont want to do sh*t but play cards cause their lives are in order, and a house that takes alot of work and cash to maintain.

 

While she is out having a grand ole time! Its hard to stomach! Its been well over a year and I dont feel much better then in the beginning! Im also seeing a theropist...When will this crap just lift and leave? friends have told me one day your just gonna wake up and it will be all over! I certainly hope so cause its such a slap in the face to see the one you care about screw you while you just gotta sit there with nothing YET going on while it all seems they are just perfect and happy without you when you are miserable without them

[Shocked Suzie]

I know i have been threw it all...The law of attraction blah blah blah! lol...I believe in it but in the state of mind I am still in makes it very hard to be positive and think of the good things at times...Ive had a bad two days and I guess thats why I am messaging on here....

 

Its left me with so much resentment its unimaginable! I see her moving on with her life and Im here feeling like a rotting carcus! No drivers license, BS websites with girls I am not interested, friends that dont want to do sh*t but play cards cause their lives are in order, and a house that takes alot of work and cash to maintain.

 

While she is out having a grand ole time! Its hard to stomach! Its been well over a year and I dont feel much better then in the beginning! Im also seeing a theropist...When will this crap just lift and leave? friends have told me one day your just gonna wake up and it will be all over! I certainly hope so cause

its such a slap in the face to see the one you care about screw you while you just gotta sit there with nothing YET going on while it all seems they are just perfect and happy without you when you are miserable without them

 

Just think you just have to make good with what you have got, make some changes to relieve the initial pressure and grow from there?? That's my plan anyway lol. My H since leaving is on his 3rd holiday in 6 months, GF driving my 40th bday present 'my car' cause I couldn't afford repayments, he is meant to be earning more money and is driving around in a swish top of the range ute...I'm loosing my home due to his miss management of money and my n my kids lives have been turned upside, just because he didn't want to try to sort out small issues...he decided to walk away

 

I figured that I don't want this sort of person in my life's and the only way I can get control or happiness is to find it and make it myself....and stop waiting for him to take some of not all of the blame and show some remorse....I'd be waiting a life time and im not prepared to give him another moment anymore

 

Stop worrying what she's doing she's not worth the head space

[imtooconfused]

I may be off base here because I am speaking as a man (and this may have been said before, sorry)...

 

Cause as you know most men think with their d@cks and if you feel there is a problem in that dept you are automatically less of a man!

 

For some men, they believe their whole being revolves around their d*ck. If that doesn't work there is nothing left to their self worth. But this isn't the whole truth. I am sure there are so many things about you hurts_so_bad that are fine and valuable qualities that any woman would love to experience. Start respecting yourself above the waist line.

[rolo99]

.

I had an encounter with a dear friend, and it was magical and all that, but at the end of the day, I had to face myself and see that the temporary Disneyland in the sack doesn't cure everything. If anything, it made me scrutinize and hunger for the heart/soul ideal more than anything physical.

 

This! I had a similar experience last week, 3 mos out of a 13 yr marriage. Kept me grinning for 3 days, but then the pain came back just as bad as before.

[aMguilts]

I know i have been threw it all...The law of attraction blah blah blah! lol...I believe in it but in the state of mind I am still in makes it very hard to be positive and think of the good things at times...Ive had a bad two days and I guess thats why I am messaging on here....

 

Its left me with so much resentment its unimaginable! I see her moving on with her life and Im here feeling like a rotting carcus! No drivers license, BS websites with girls I am not interested, friends that dont want to do sh*t but play cards cause their lives are in order, and a house that takes alot of work and cash to maintain.

 

While she is out having a grand ole time! Its hard to stomach! Its been well over a year and I dont feel much better then in the beginning! Im also seeing a theropist...When will this crap just lift and leave? friends have told me one day your just gonna wake up and it will be all over! I certainly hope so cause its such a slap in the face to see the one you care about screw you while you just gotta sit there with nothing YET going on while it all seems they are just perfect and happy without you when you are miserable without them

 

 

hurts

are you in control of yourself?

you say you are doing everything possible to heal

 

so she`s out having a "grand ole time" ?

good for her!!!

doesn`t that say something to you?

you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can do something about it

perpetual motion is something you need to put in practice

it`s possible

you just have to work at it

 

hugs to you hurts

you can get through this

 

aM

[hurts_so_bad]

I hear all you guys and I apprecite the responses...It just gets frustrating at times! When I am busy out with friends or a date the whole thing

really doesnt bother me! Problem is when I get bored I think alot about it..

 

Its been 16 months now and I am just getting frustrated that I cant seem to find anyone new..Alot has changed in me and day by day I am becoming more confident with who I am..people like to say you dont need anyone in your life to be happy...I dont necesarily believe that..

 

Its not as if I hate myself and cant live without someone in my life..Its just that its nice to have someone! Not only that, I know once I do find someone most of this crap will be put to rest..I wont care anymore!

 

Im not a bad looking dude! Just dont get it!

[hurts_so_bad]

Hey guys hope all is well...For me things are still rough! Im having a hard time adapting to living alone. Summer is here now and the kids are off from school which means I probably wont see them as much being they came here almost everyday after school till their mom picked them up..

 

Holidays are never easy either being I see the 4th of july slowly approaching its bothering me... I am having a real hard time getting threw this being I do not have much freedom to come and go as I please due to my licence situation and havent found anyone worth while yet to start something with..

 

I actually called the dmv today and they told me as for the law right now my license is gone forever! Its done!

 

At time it makes me feel like a real loser! When you sit back and think that my entire life right now revolves around taking care of this big house, mowing lawn, working, the gym, and my theropist it can get you down!

 

Where is the fun and excitement?! I tell guys all the time at work who complain about their marriage and say how they would be a giggilo if they got divorced that they better think again! Its not what its cracked up to be and the women arent all that plentyful! Atleast it hasnt been my case and Im a pretty good looking guy with a great personality!

 

Maybe there is something wrong with me or a damn curse on me! lol...I just dont get it! I know damn well that if I was to meet someone I liked, alot of this pain on worrying about what she is doing would fade cause I wouldnt care..But being it seems I am stuck in a rut I continously wonder!

 

It really makes me feel like crap thinking Im just working my ass off and thats all I got when she is out there having a blast! Sorry but YES! It pisses me off cause I think by now I should be past this and able to do a bit of the same and enjoy my life more..

 

Instead I feel like a sob story posting on here for you guys to hear my pain and seeing a theropist over it!

 

Why shouldnt I? I am stuck with no license and friends that are all married or in relationships. All they want to do is come by now and then and play cards!

 

Just venting!