How do you get over it?

[LostinEmotion]

How do you get over it? How do you get over the need to be with someone & just talk to them to make you feel better? How do you just walk away? I mean I can't walk away completely, I have 3 kids with this person, but is there a way to have no contact with someone like that? How do you get over your family unit being split up for good? And how do you watch that person go on with someone else, especially if that person was supposed to be your best friend? How do you get the strength to say that no matter how bad you're going to hurt, or how afraid of being alone you are, it's better to cut the strings and go on? Any good thoughts?

[thecake]

and allowing yourself to grieve for the loss of the relationship. You'll experience so many emotions at first that you'll think you're going crazy at times. Then one day you'll wake up and it won't hurt quite so much.

 

Stick around here - you'll get some good support and advice.

[Mr Spock]

This may sound stupid, but to get over my feelings of loss and hurt and anger and rage (yep, all of them) I'm doing Kiegels. Yes, that's right. Whenever I catch myself THINKING about it, I do a set and tell myself "Stop it!!"

 

It works.

[brashgal]

It's really hard when you have kids because you're right, you can't NOT deal with their father. You have to just talk about the kids, nothing else. Although I was not friendly with my ex's gf, it still hurt to see her with him - I can imagine how hard it would be if the OW was also your friend. You've lost two people to confide in.

 

I've tried different things, communicating via email rather than by phone, leaving messages on his cell phone rather than actually calling him (since we both use the same carrier, this is possible). I've arranged visits so he picks up from daycare and drops back off at daycare so I don't have to deal with him, or hired a babysitter to stay with my son at drop off or pick up time. Sometimes it's best to not have contact in that way for awhile so you can get a handle on your emotions.

 

It gets easier. I admit I still miss the emotional intimacy but I also told him early on, I refuse to be the other woman. He picked her, if he needs more emotional support outside their relationship, he can find yet another gal to give it to him, it's not going to be me.

 

Hang in there - we're here for you!

[Babysistah]

I don't know how old your kids are but what I did is I got caller ID....

 

whenever my ex husband calls I have one of my girls to answer the phone...they are 12 and 6 so it works. I only talk to him about things such as child support payments and if he plans on picking them up.

 

When I talk to him for an extended amount of time I always end up saying something or looking for him to say something that will indicate that we still love each other and I always end up hurt. Having the kids answer the phone is a good option (if they are old enough).

 

If they are not old enough I say keep the conversation short and to the point. Don't stray from the issues and don't call him unless you absolutely have to.

 

On the other things you mentioned....I'm going through the same thing. I have bought self help books to help me through the pain and disappointment.

[ready2moveon26]

I have a few questions...Do you still love your husband? Do you know how he feels about you? My husband and I have been seperated this time for 4 months. We have a 3 year old daughter. We are still best friends. We talk about everything except details of one another's relationships with other people. We are not ready for that yet, but I do think that in the future we will be able to talk about that too. Would you like to be friends with your husband? Would he like to be friends with you? Just because you can't remain married...does that mean you can't be friends? Just something to think about...it has really helped me with the healing process. I know he loves me and he knows I love him...we just can't be married to one another.

[LostinEmotion]

Yes. I love my husband very much and he says that he loves me, but I don't know that I can do the friend thing for right now. We're trying living in the same house as separate people but together for the kids and to take care of financial issues for a few months. He's been seeing someone for several months & she used to be my best friend (they were having an affair for 6-8 months b-4 I caught them). It's not that I can't forgive him or that I wouldn't really love to work my family out & keep it together, but he's got it in his head that he might be in love with her and he's got to see what there is between them, so there's no room for he & I to work on us at all. I'm slowly & very painfully accepting that he & I are over. He still tries to & wants to have sex with me, and I don't understand that at all (and I'm not giving in to that either). It looks like to me, even if he is a guy, that when you're in the throws of a brand new, gotta have 'em, gotta see 'em relationship, you usually only want to be with that person. The last 4 months he & I were together he wasn't interested in sex with me (which was not usual for us at all - we were together 11 years & we never had problems in that direction - he even says that the sex was always great between us). Now that we're supposed to be living in the same house but separated to give us time to take care of our finances, he's wanting me all the time. He even calls me during the day & says he's wanting me. I know that I feel that he's playing games with me. I think he wants me to sit back & wait on him to see where this new relationship goes so that if it doesn't work out, then he's still got his safety net (me). I don't think he'll get any really good doses of reality until he actually moves in w/her, but I don't know that I can handle being a real friend to him right now, because this arrangement may be the best for finances and the kids, but it is killing me. I'm just a really good actress in front of everyone else, including him. I'm just trying to figure out how to get over my want to be with him and my need for him and my desire to keep my family together. It's so hard and at times, it makes you feel so desparate. I think I can handle the depression/hurt, but the anxiety and desparation are very very real & very very hard to deal with.

[seahorse]

It sounds to me like he is playing a really cruel game with you, but maybe he isn't. Maybe he really can't help himself. Or he's got this twisted view that because you are his wife, he can look for sex with you while he "discovers" whether he loves your friend? I'm very confused about his actions!!! so goodness only knows what you must feel like!!

 

Next time he calls you during the day to tell you he wants you, tell him to get his act together. He can't have his cake and eat it. My hubby did that to me for five years before he told me he'd been seeing someone else. He's not had sex with me since. I threw him out of the house, and we're getting divorced soon, whether he likes it or not.

 

You have to be really hard here, and not let your husband make the decisions. At the moment you are only RE-acting to what he wants. You have to be PRO-active. You have to take the lead and tell HIM what you want. Lay down the rules, tell him it's unfair of him to mess with your emotions and be STRONG woman!! He'll soon get his act together at the thought of divorce and losing custody of his kids.

 

When my husband messed me about, I kicked his ass out the door and told him if she was that damn good go live with her. He was back within six months, couldn't handle it at all. Don't let him mess with you.

 

Seahorse

[LostinEmotion]

He broke it off with the OW. I went off for my weekend and he went nuts. It was his first weekend to have to take care of the kids by himself and he said that for the first time in a long time he completely enjoyed them. He also called me 10 times while I was gone and kept texting me. He didn't really have much of anything to say. He was using the kids as an excuse to call me. We wound up on the phone for 4 hours on Saturday night and on Sunday when I came home, we took our children out to the lake and talked for hours. He kept telling me that he loved me and that right now all he wanted is to find a way to make me happy and for us to work through things. I actually told him that he should keep seeing the OW because I wanted him to see her for what she is & the only way that would happen is to keep seeing her (I know it's crazy & it's hurtful, but I thought it was best). He was supposed to go out with her Sunday night & he didn't want to. I forced him out the door and he wound up breaking up with her. I'm still in shock. I agreed with him that we'd try to see where we stand with each other, but very slowly; baby steps. Can't jump into the relationship like nothing happened. Do any of you have any thoughts? I'm completely scared and still very anxious. I know he dumped her and it was his decision w/out me pressuring him, but I almost feel like he did it 2 quickly. I'm not trying to be a whiner since he's come home, but I'm totally afraid. Has anyone else had this happen quickly and how do you deal with the WH being so emotionally drained and tired? I've seen him depressed over her and pining for her and this seems very different. He seems just emotionally bankrupt right now. How do you deal with this?