Boyfriend's female friend

[Cathster]

I've not been seeing my current boyfriend for long but already I am feeling the horrible pangs of jealousy that I absolutely hate! I trust him completely, but there is this girl that is getting right on my nerves. Not sure whether I'm overreacting or not but here goes:

 

She is a uni friend of his. They finished their course last month and she posted up a Facebook status, tagging him, saying how she loved him and would miss him. I only saw it briefly before it disappeared, I'm guessing he untagged it. I never mentioned it to him.

 

A group of them went out for farewell drinks and pictures appeared of the two of them - one he was sat there with her leaning on his shoulder and holding onto his arm, another he had his arms around her and another coursemate and she was leaning into his chest. They looked like a couple, and he brought it up to me without me mentioning anything, saying that he knew it looked bad but that was just how they'd always been.

 

He's just left for a summer abroad, so the contact has been very limited between us - a message every couple days. He's only been gone 11 days and this girl has already posted twice, tagging him saying how much she misses him. A friend of hers has commented on how they are like an 'old married couple'.

 

I guess I just don't really have that many male friends so I don't really understand their dynamic but I personally cannot imagine saying things like that to someone who has a girlfriend (and she apparently has a boyfriend herself although according to my boyfriend her relationship is constantly on off).

 

I'm so not used to feeling like this, I've had boyfriends with female friends before but this girl just seems extreme to me!

Edited June 11, 2012 by Cathster

[mynameistom]

Hmmm this is actually a tricky one, seeing as how we don't know the whole story like you. It seems (obviously) she has feelings for him that may or may not be reciprocated... Do you ever bring this up to him that it makes you uncomfortable? You're going to have to in some way to figure out his intentions with regards to her and your feelings.

 

No matter what, saying I love you and I miss you isn't acceptable (to me). If it were my gf and a dude was saying that to her, boy would there be trouble. I'd ask him to tell her to lay off on the mushyness and try to see how he reacts when you talk about her, let us know how it goes. Please don't let him pull the "Shes just friends don't worry about anything!" while he goes and hangs out with her alone, that's a date. Unless they have been friends since they were kids, I'd have something to say. And if they were friends since they were kids.... I'd have something to say. More details would paint a better picture for us.

[Cathster]

I'm glad that I'm not the only one that thinks it's not acceptable!

 

The way he talks about her to me suggests he thinks of her as no more than one of his many female friends (his course was mostly girls), but the way she is acting is like she is his girlfriend/best friend.

 

He's known her about two years. I've not brought it up to him yet because there's not been a chance - it's got worse since he left, messages saying she misses him and giving him pet names 'my such-and-such'. I've not spoken to him since he left to say that it's making me uncomfortable.

[Leigh 87]

I don't date guys like that. I would not find it accapteble, for a girl to call my boyfriend pet names, and do the other things that girl does. She has some nerve. She is not respecting your relationship. She is either naive and ignorant of the protocal and ethics of relationship, that people with a normal conscious and grasp on relationships have.

There is a chance that she genuinely does not KNOW her actions come across as very hurtful! However, most girls secretly get off on it. Lastly, there are people who are just highly social, both men and women/ guys and girls... these types of people CAN genuinely have a lot of opposite gender friendships, be close to them, and it means nothing. People REALLY like this, seek out girls they are really into, because they have so many close female friends, that a girl would have to be extra special in order to make him want to commit - seeing as he KNOWS what is out there, so to speak - with the attractive and great female friends he has close to him.

My boyfriend only has female friends he grew up with - who he is good friends with, but only needs to see them once every while. I do not date guys that have female friends who carry on the way in which THAT girl does. It is totally innappropriate.

 

Just my 2 cents. It could be innocent with that girl, but HER actions are actually: either naive - come on, girls KNOW now to get too chummy and close to guys with girlffriends! : or, she gets off on having a guy to be " like that" with..

... There is no other way ic an explain it, other than to say : some girls like to get 'like that' with other guys, even if they have girlfriends.

A huge red flag is that people commented on them acting like an " old married couple". This signals that they have something " special", beyond a normal close friendship.

 

If I were you, I would flat out ASK him directly " look, I am not an insecure or jealous type, however, the comments on facebook, from people saying you guys are like an old married couple.... in addition to her telling you she misses you a lot... it just makes me uncomfortable, and I am not 100% certain your totally into me. I have a feeling you could be into her too."

....................just stress that although u do not want to be insecure or jealous, and your NOT those things normally - that this just does not sit well with you.

 

 

Another thing that concerns me, is that this girl is bad news. She may " seam" all friendly, cool, has it going on.. but she is being extremely selfish! SHe KNOW'S he has a girlfriend, who is into him..... and yet she crosses the line, and gets too close! She is ACTING like she is HIS girlfriend.....

[mynameistom]

First off thats a really good thing, although you may not see everything that goes on between them, the fact that he doesn't hide it (except maybe for that delete) shows good intentions... But still I would bring it up, depending on how long you guys have been going out. I wouldn't so much say not to do it, just say it makes you uncomfortable the way she talks to him. The key part is his reaction, what does he do in response? Nothing? Hopefully, tell her to shut her mouth (lol, nicely). If nothing happens thats when I would get a bit more upset.

[january2011]

In an ideal world, close (female) friends back off when their close (male) friend starts seeing someone seriously, to give the couple some space. That is, unless they consider themselves the backup girl/boy.

 

They both seem to be acting like nothing's changed. She continues to get physical with him and he enables her behaviour. His telling you about it is a step in the right direction, but it doesn't mean that he's done all he can to recity the situation. It's up to you to tell him that you are uncomfortable with her behaviour and you'd prefer it if he restates his boundaries where she is concerned and to reiterate that he's in a relationship now so her behaviour is inappropriate. Then make a mental note to monitor the situation. If neither of them adjusts their behaviour, then it indicates that he prioritises his friendship with this girl over your discomfort. That suggests that he's not serious about you and doesn't consider your relationship the primary one.

 

If the behaviour continues, I'd seriously suggest walking away and leaving them to resolve whatever it is that's going on between them. Relationships are hard enough to build as it is without a third person trying to compete for the attention and time of one of the parties.

[Lepus]

You need to trust your partner, but not the girl. If your guy says nothing is going on, then probably nothing is going on. Unless he is the one sending her messages of love, then she's the one overstepping the line.

 

You need to speak to him and make him understand how much it bother you that she does this, without making it out that you are accusing him of anything, tell him you trust him when he says it is all innocent, and that your concern is with her.

 

Praise him for keeping it honest and encourage him to tell you anything else she says to him. Tell him that while you trust that he is not doing anything, because you don't trust her, you are not comfortable with those kind of pictures of her.

 

I'm not saying your boyfriend is 100% innocent, but for the health of your relationship, until you know more, you must trust him. It is one of the things relationships are built on. Trust.

 

She is not worth starting an argument over or developing a rift about, that's probably what she wants.

[Cathster]

Thanks everyone for your opinions. It's good to know I am not overreacting.

 

I suspect this girl thinks that because my boyfriend is very friendly to her, she is something special. But he is very friendly to everyone! That is just his nature, so I'm not worried about the way he is acting. He has known her for two years and has been single for that whole time so if he wanted to be with her then he would be. I trust him completely and don't believe for a second he wants to be with her or that there is anything going on between them.

 

But ever since we got together she has been this way, only occasionally to begin with so that I brushed it off but more frequently now that he is away. Because he has no internet connection he has not been witnessing her comments or pet names. I'll be interested to see how he reacts when he logs on and sees her comments. I don't want to bring the issue up over e-mail so will just have to wait until we can actually speak, unless she keeps on at him.

 

I guess I just wanted to make sure before I spoke to him about it that this wasn't how some girls spoke to their male friends. But the vibe I get from her is that she is trying to bother me on purpose - putting messages on his FB and saying "Private messaging isn't working so I'll put it here, miss you".