Why did I continue if it was so hurtful?

[ladyabstrused]

(warning: long post ahead)

 

I've been sitting around for hours, just trying to figure something out. It'd be great if I can figure this out so that I can proceed on with my healing and probably improve myself too.

 

Recently got out of a LDR of almost 5 years with a big age gap of 17 years. It started when I was 18. It was difficult for me to end things, and I always thought it was largely because I loved and cared a lot.

 

I can't explain why I did some of the things that I did in my previous relationship. I can't wrap my fingers around this one. Maybe I'm in denial? I made a decision to end things between us, it was difficult for me - but what made it difficult? Was I afraid of being alone? I don't think so? Because in all honestly, I love being alone, not forever of course but I don't feel any fear if I see myself not having anyone in the future. Sure I'd be lonely and stuff but afraid? I don't think so.

 

Was it then love that made it difficult for me to let go? I don't know.

Was it care for him that made it difficult for me to let go? I think a large probability of it was care, yes.

 

Maybe I can give some scenarios of what did happen. What would these actions that I did before say?

 

His side of the RS (as how he told me):

 

Example 1:

He says:

Why go out on weekends when we could spend more time together online? (We still talk during the weekdays on my days on breaks at work or on my nights when he's free. Almost every other day we talk.)

I feel:

We talk almost every day, I spend almost every weekend with just with him talking and all sorts. Why can't I have a balance of some "me" time. Even just a some time with friends?

Reaction:

I try to bekhonest with him and he says that I don't care to spend time with him. I feel bad, so I retreat and say okay, whatever, I'll sacrifice my "me" time.

Outcome:

It was "our time" and we'd spend all weekend together. I seldom go out and if I do want to, it'd have to be informed way beforehand because he can't handle last minute changes. When I do go out with friends, he tells me that I come home different, like something was up, and that I purposely not want to tell him what's up which will then be the start of an argument. Argument because I don't feel different? Probably tired but that's normal? He insists something's wrong. So I end up having to search for something wrong inside of me.

 

Conclusion:

Is this love? Honestly, now, I don't think so.

 

Example 2:

He says:

That I don't care about his feelings or care about what happens to him, or a.ything at all that happens to him.

I feel:

I care about him, ask about his stuff, and things that go on with him. Sometimes I may forget because I get very occupied with work that is very demanding and I try to explain that but he takes it very personally. He says a lot of stuff, he talks a lot with what happens and sometimes it's a bit overwhelming, especially during peak periods of my job where I get real busy and stressed. I understand that if you love or care about someone, this shouldn't be a problem. (Am I right on this one?)

Reaction:

When I'd forget some things, he'd get offended and feel rejected or upset. He'd close up and I'd sense something's wrong, so then I'd probe and then argument. Because I try to explain why, but he thinks that there is no excuse to that. If i care enough, I'd remember. When I do remember about some of his things, okay, no big deal to him.

Outcome:

Most times I follow up what he tells me. Sometimes I get forgetful and I be honest about the reasons why. It's not that I don't care, in my heart, I do but too much on my mind at some points in time. What happened then was that I write things down. But after awhile, it stopped. Then arguments again about how much I don't care and I argue back saying that it's not true.

 

Conclusion:

Did I care? To be honest, maybe not as much as I thought I was. If I did, it would come naturally to remember things, I suppose.

 

My side of the RS:

 

Example 1:

I say:

I know he's not for the idea of me spending much time with other people, family or friends. But sometime at the start of our 4th year, I said to him that I feel like I need a balance of interaction with other people, friends, family and even meet new people while we still continue with our relationship. I told him that at my age, I haven't experienced what others my age are experiencing because I'm in a serious relationship with him. Can I at least have some fun for myself, even it's only limited to female friends?

He said:

That I can't balance, it's not in my nature, that I tend to go to extremes and it will only go the other extreme of neglecting him and my wanting to enjoy life. That I get too attached to people so easily, even with new friends, I tend to get into them so much that I lose focus of him. There's no point to that.

I feel:

All I wanted was to go out there, experience some life and have interaction with others to develop myself. But he's saying I can't do it cos I'm too attached to people and I'm too emotional and that I can't balance. He says that if I love him, he should be enough for me to talk to or experience. Why won't he have some faith in me or believe in me?

Reaction:

I give it up for the sake of what he wants and what he thought was right for me.

Outcome:

I get unhappy, I keep it in, bottle it up, swallow it in and push it aside or behind me. Move on with the RS.

 

Conclusion:

What was I doing? Love? Care? Not too sure.

But at this point, I think I didn't have boundaries set and just let him rule over me.

 

Thing is, initially in the relationship, I had boundaries set. But he never liked those boundaries. So I threw them out. Why? For the life of me, I don't know why I was so stupid.

 

Example: I support my family. Because I want to, because I love them and because I always told myself I'd repay all I can to my mother for having brought me up in this world. I'm grateful to the things she's done and it's only right that I do something back in return, I feel. He thinks I'm spending too much money on them. Which we could use for our future. Tells me to stop spending too much on them. I disagreed. Arguments...arguments. Stress, pressure. I ignored it. So it was always a fight everytime we talk about it and it gets so emotionally distressing for me. I always verbalise this to him, that it's so stressful. He doesn't seem to care about how I feel towards my own family. He doesn't feel the same way about his family. He thinks that that's what mothers should do in this world, why should I feel obliged to repay her he says?

 

Well? It's just how I feel. He couldn't accept that reason.

 

At this point, you probably think what a stupid, naive girl I was at age 18 to be doing all that stuff and to still go through so much pain again and again for 5 years. Why did I continue to do all that? Now that I think back, I don't believe that I loved him....wow then that would be so selfish of me. :\

 

Did I care? Yes I believe I did.. in fact, I still do, but right now, I feel like I can't because he keeps telling me that it was all on me and I stand to not agree whereas before I would have probably believed him. Was it fear? I don't think so. I know this.

 

I just want to say that I know that there are times when the issue lies with me, probably my immaturity or my stupidity or my naivety or my lack of understanding or comprehending him and my selfishness or uncaring actions. Like how I didn't tell him about a guy friend I had whom I was talking to online (it was just online, didn't get physical), but it was really just innocent because that was all I was interested in, just friendship and this guy had a family with 4 beautiful kids and his family even knew of me. Yes, that was my error, ex found out a year later and was really hurt by it. I just wanted friends. My girlfriends .. he didn't really approve of. Guy friends, total no-no. What was I suppose to do?

 

Why did I go through all that and put up with things that didn't make me happy? Why do I still feel bad for leaving ex, when I feel like I shouldn't care but I still get affected by what he says in his e-mails saying how much I've destroyed him and it was all on me and that I was the evil one, for just leaving just like that. I get affected not in the sense of having feelings for him, but more of, di$ I really do that? Am I really as evil as he says I am? Have I really been such a selfish person? Was I really that uncaring? Did I really love him? These doubts come back when I thought I was sure before this that no, I wasn't an evil person.

 

My conclusion is that I didn't really love him.. I cared but even that, not to the extent of how I would care about someone if I truly am interested. But if so, then why have I put myself through all that? Is it because I had no boundaries set?

 

And I can't figure it out myself. So I thought perhaps I'd get some input from others here. Maybe I just can't see some things yet. Do shed some light to me on this situation, if you can. I'd greatly appreciate it if I could hear some of your views.

[whichwayisup]

Either way, this is a very unhealthy relationship. He is controlling and has issues which did affect your relationship with him. Maybe you love(d) him, maybe it was the idea of being in love as time went on.

 

Relationships aren't supposed to be like what you described..They aren't supposed to be draining and leaving you feeling bad or doubt what you feel all the time.

[whichwayisup]

My conclusion is that I didn't really love him.. I cared but even that, not to the extent of how I would care about someone if I truly am interested. But if so, then why have I put myself through all that? Is it because I had no boundaries set?

 

And I can't figure it out myself. So I thought perhaps I'd get some input from others here. Maybe I just can't see some things yet. Do shed some light to me on this situation, if you can. I'd greatly appreciate it if I could hear some of your views.

 

Was the sex incredible?

 

He had a pull on you, could be because he is older and been around the block a few more times than you.

 

Being afraid of saying no and having him mad at you isn't a nice feeling so it seems you put him first more often and your "you" time suffered. It was easier to let him have his way then fight it and deal with his immature reaction (how old is he?) for days on end.

 

Sometimes too, people get used to a certain dynamic and are too scared to change it because of the fallout/reaction.. Fear of the unknown..

 

Are you going to break up with him? If so, it's OK. He's a big boy, a grown man so do what YOU feel is best for you.

[FitChick]

It was safe because you didn't have to deal with him in person. You could have your fantasy.

[Mega-Mama]

Leaing him was the best and bravest decision you could make!

You are only 18, there's more to life than what he cud offer. That wasnt even a love relationship. I believe that guy is suffering frm a disorder and nids medical intervention. These are the kind of guys who develop into serial killers, They never love they or their partner to be around other pple. And he felt no attachment to your family nor his- red flag

 

Seriously you need to get faraway from him and move on with your life

[SpiralOut]

I think you hit the nail on the head when you talk about boundaries. It sounds like you DID have boundaries set, but did not reinforce them strongly enough. He did not show respect when you tried to assert them. He was aggressive, and that can be hard to deal with.

 

I think he tricked you into doubting yourself. It is easy to reinforce boundaries when you have confidence in yourself and this guy chipped away at your self-confidence.

[spiderowl]

I do understand as I've been in a similar situation recently. But, I've had relationships before and I'm much older so I did see through it very quickly. The guy was trying to control and manipulate you. It's a good thing you got out of it. He was doing the following:

 

- insisting you spend your free time with him and him only

- denigrating you and trying to demoralise you when you didn't

- attacking your confidence in yourself by suggesting you couldn't form other relationships

- throwing a tantrum when you weren't paying him attention or remembering something

- questioning your every move and suggesting you'd changed if you'd been away from him for a few hours

- getting wound up and picking fights when you were drifting away (and it was understandable that you would).

 

It seems to me that whether you loved him or not is no longer the issue. His behaviour would have reduced your interest in him anyway. His behaviour shows his anxiety and his need to control you. It is not healthy for you. You are better off out of it and you have no need to feel guilty for extracting yourself from this harmful situation.