Personal vanity undermining relationship?

[Curiousa]

Ok, I am not quite sure how to proceed here, so some constructive input / feedback would be appreciated ...

 

I have been together with my current b/f for almost a year, and in many ways, it's perfect: He's a total darling, a very sweet and caring guy, he really manages to melt my heart on a daily basis So, on this "romantic/emotional" level, things are just great ...

 

Yet, there are clouds for me on the horizon which keep distracting me from the sweet and happy side of our relationship. The problem is, I find it hard to express these "concerns" or issues I have, because I keep thinking I am kinda the b*tch from hell for making such a big deal out of what are, essentially, just "superficialities" (is this actually a word?!) :

 

My vanity - I am a generally pretty attractive, successful professional woman; my x-b/fs (only had like 4 or so in total prior to my current bf) used to be pretty decent, nice, attractive and successful guys - and my current b/f is sooo, well, different: struggling with his education / temping all the time, no career plans or professional drive/ambitions, really; suffering from the "lack of it" in some ways, but rather sticking his head in the sand about his education/professional attitude, rather than trying to improve things; in addition being overweight and generally not feeling overly attractive ... He does at times of introspection consider himself a "loser" ... and even though I DO sympathise in some ways, I sometimes kinda can't help admitting to myself that he doesn't seem to be much of a "catch" in the looks and life success department ... - and yet, everytime I am together with him, I am just totally melting due to his really sweet, generous, VERY nurturing, caring, romantic being

 

So, when I DO get those "negative" feelings, I do feel actually pretty guilty, because I feel I am being soooo superficial I mean, I should love him not any less due to his lack of professional status or physical imperfections, shouldn't I?! And I really want to, as well, because as a person, he's just a total darling, I just can't get rid of these moments when I am comparing him to the "average" guy I am dealing with (mostly at professional level) ... I don't want to feel embarrassed about him, and it's not his fault at all, but it happens, even if it tends to be temporary, and I always end up remembering about all his good sides and my heart melts again

 

So, basically, it's not HIM that's the problem, but me and the fact that I do not seem to be consistently able to "love" him fully and unconditionally ... - whereas he does, I know he truely wouldn't care if I was poor or overweight or less attractive ... I DO want to be able to say the same, and I do feel committed to him, it's not like I would even be looking at someone else ....

 

So, I am wondering, are we doomed due to my superficialities, even though I am trying to "fight" this? Any suggestions what I can do to just focus on his great qualities and get rid of this little "devil" inside me nagging?

 

Thanks for some feedback, ...

[YellowLioness]

I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. My boyfriend and I have been together nine months. He dropped out of college, (he says that he plans to go back) and now we're living together. BF is everything you mentioned your boy to be: generous, kind, loving, accepting, but AMAZINGLY insecure... (BF is very handsome in the face (truley, could be a model) and has nIIIIIce legs and arse). However, he weighs like 300 lbs, and it's all in his stomache. He also has issues of being with being a "loser," as kids used to tease him when he was younger about his weight. I told BF that we should lose weight as a team, start eating right, and then start getting his life on track. (BF and I are planning our wedding here shortly, (we are soul mates) so I'm not sure if you'd want to stay with him through all that. Self-esteem issues are pretty huge, as YOU can't change how someone feels about themselves. You can only HELP them see what you see in them by how you treat them) BF did not take the whole weight loss idea of mine well, accusing me of not finding him attractive. But, we're working through it. Slowly. lol. Hopefully, he'll start feeling better about himself, then he'll be more able to move through live with confidance, not that looks should be everything, but accomplishing a goal, no matter what kind, is great for self-esteem and confidance. I just keep reiterating that I DO think he is very attractive, I always have. I just want the best for him, and for us. *shrugs* And, as I said, he's starting to come around. He's excited at the prospect of getting "buff" as he used to be in HS.

 

Good luck, Curiousa.

 

Yellow

[thecake]

I know what you mean. My ex husband was a great guy and he is the ONLY guy I've ever dated that didn't fit my standard description of what I've always been attracted to...tall, dark hair/eyes, good looking, professional, etc. because I was trying not to be superficial.

 

I so remember those guilty feelings...I knew everyone thought he was great even though he could be a complete butt to me...but he was short, a body builder (I'm not into huge muscles), green eyes and sandy blond curly hair. And, I married him but eventually HIS insecurites had a lot to do with why we got divorced...I've always gotten a lot of attention for my looks and he couldn't deal with it. He was also intimidated by where I work and eventually he took it all out on me.

 

So, just remember while YOU are having these guilty feelings there may well come a day when you ARE embarrassed by him or he starts taking his insecurities out on you. I think when an attractive person dates someone who isn't on their level (god, I know that sounds bad) they always have to deal with the unattractive person not feeling good about themselves. I don't think it works.

 

I'm still not sure why it's considered superficial to be attracted to good looking NICE people....they're out there.

[HoldOn]

Well, the physical attributes wouldn't bother me so much, but I think it's reasonable to expect your life partner to contribute equally to the family. Are you prepared to be the sole bread winner of the family. To provide the only financial support. I think it would take an Angel to be so accepting of their SO, to not expect them to contribute.

 

I would not say you were superficial because you want your man to be successful. I would say that is reasonable. It's a little superficial to care so much about his looks though.

 

Regardless, from my own experience, I see some red flags for this guy. Because I thought my ex-bf was soooo sweet and he always had really nice things to say and made my heart melt. However, he couldn't even keep a job at a coffee shop before quitting and saying that his boss was a "jerk." It was amazing how all of his bosses were such jerks. Pretty soon, I was in MASSIVE credit card debt, trying to keep up with his spending and his empty promises to get a job. The last straw: He got a job offer, but just had to smoke pot on the weekend before his drug test. And he wasn't really even a smoker.

 

It has taken me three years to get out of credit card debt. And I proudly say that I would never again date a man who could not pull his own weight. If he doesn't have a good job and some aspiration, forget it! I am NOT going through hell again.

 

You said:

 

with his education / temping all the time, no career plans or professional drive/ambitions, really; suffering from the "lack of it" in some ways, but rather sticking his head in the sand about his education/professional attitude, rather than trying to improve things.

 

Anyway, I just don't think it's "superficial" of you to want your man to be more carreer-oriented. However, you can't change people. You either have to accept this man for who he is or break up. You can't make him into a career person.

[Curiousa]

Many thanks for your comments

 

I don't think I am too extreme in expecting career-orientation, as I wouldn't care if he was white/blue collar worker, made lots of money or not - as long as he would be able to stand on his own two feet.

 

I am actually not VERY materialistic - but I am working in a professional environment were image, looks, and status symbols matter in how people (clients, colleagues, superiors) will assess and even treat you - so, the sad thing is, in that environment, I feel I am being judged - and my career "potential" assessed - by appearances.

 

So, although money and looks are not a primary concern for me per se (I think he's kinda cute, actually ), it is more of a problem of a "negative reflection" on me in my (work) environment - sad but true.

 

I know on the other hand, that it shouldn't matter to me what other people might think, or that I would be better off in a less judgemental environment; but it's careerwise a pretty good environment, but I am kinda compromising my own values (that a person's inside is more important than the outside or material things) by being constantly bombarded with "corporate values" that focus on exactly those values (mind you, this would never be openly admitted though, but it's totally decisive when it comes to visibility, credit and performance assessments).

 

Anyway, I am feeling a little bit better after having read your comments and I guess I will just ride it out and see if I can reconcile myself to my conflicting feelings at times ...

 

Thanks again!