Absent dad

[Silly_Girl]

I am hoping for some advice on improving things for my son, with his dad; or maybe confirmation that there's nothing I can do.

 

Summary: my ex-H and I had been best friends and inseparable as teens and fell in love after 2 years. Our son was a happy surprise and we acknowledged we had no way of being sure things would work out but we wanted to give it our best shot. After 5 happy years things spiralled and we split up after 6.5yrs. Our co-parenting continued as it had during our marriage, working opposing hours to minimise child care and maximise time with our son. We communicated well and shared decisions.

 

About 2 years post-split he met someone. She had a young daughter. She resented my son from the off and made no effort to hide it. In fact she's been downright cruel at times and any adult who can refer to an 8 yr old as 'it' in front of him really needs a talking to. My son would return to me in tears and beg not to be sent back. I did what I strongly felt was best and made little excuses for her or tried to engineer time for dad+son. I couldn't bear the thought of my son not having a dad, even though my ex-H seemed fairly ambivalent: "He has you, my dad swanned off when I was young and I turned out okay". I dispute that last statement.

 

Fast forward 6 years, which includes heated rows between ex-H and me, and ex-H and his gf. I've tried to talk to her but she refuses to answer the phone or door. They have 2 kids together and my son adores his little sister and brother... But isn't allowed to see them and the gf won't allow him in the house. Some years ago he was told he'd grown too big to be able to stay over, which hurt him, but now he's not allowed there. He's tried talking to Nan (his dad's mum) and godfather (dad's best friend) but nothing has changed and it's as though they don't care.

 

My son (nearly 16) rarely sees his dad now and they do zero activities or hobbies together.

 

My lad started counselling recently. My nasty ex (not the dad) has been making his presence felt through some legal proceedings and it made my son extremely angry, twinned with exam season and frustration with his dad I thought talking it out would help

 

My heart sank when he returned from session 1 and said "she said if it's upsetting me I ought to tell dad how I'm feeling and crashing on the sofa once in a while so I can be there when the kids wake up shouldn't really be a problem. I'm going to talk to dad".

 

Three weeks later he'd not raised it through a) lack of opportunity, and b) not wishing to hurt his dad. In the end I offered to per-warn his dad for him and set a time where I'd be out all evening and they could hang out and chat. His dad nearly forgot, then was 2 hours late. My son told him about the conversation with the counsellor and his dad's response was apparently "Right, well. I guess I'll go home and have a row then". My son asked what her actual issue is and was told no one knows, she refuses to discuss it and storms off. To which my son asserted that if she's not prepared to voice her problems then she ought to just get over it. Apparently that's not likely.

 

Two weeks later and he's not seen his dad since (who lives and works 2 miles from us) and I know it's hurting. His dad is tagged in FB statuses saying 'The Family all at home', or everyone's gone away or to a wedding and he knew nothing about it.

 

My son is very loyal and kind and really good with younger kids, he adores his siblings and they adore him. Is there anything I can do to help with this, do you think? Last time I tackled his dad he said that he's lost his son to me (not true... or needn't be true) and if he pursues this with his gf they'll split up (nearly have twice already, over my son) then he'll not get to be a dad to the little ones and that'll be three kids he's lost.

 

I'm incredulous that any adults can treat kids like this but after so long I feel sort of resigned, yet I HATE that my son's hurting. Thanks so much for reading.

[whichwayisup]

This is awful! Your poor son shouldn't have to go through this and your ex (his father) should have stepped it up and defended him, reguardless of his feelings for his current partner. NO kid should be referred as 'it'. Bloody sickening is what it is and the fact she has excluded him from half siblings and been nasty is disguisting. She must have a cold heart and somehow your ex H and her have brought out some evil in them. I hate to put it like that but I really don't understand how she could have shunned your son when he was a little guy and how his father allowed things to get so bad.

 

Your son sadly has missed out on having a positive role model from his father, and no real loving relationship with him. Your ex has tons of issues and baggage so for him to compare his childhood to how he's handling his own son now just shows how messed up he is inside.

 

The step mom from hell scares me, as she has potiential to take things to the next level, her disreguard and detachment from your son. Read clair93's thread in the family section about her step mother.

 

Just continue with the counselling and hope that it helps your son cope with all this better. He's done nothing wrong here.

[Silly_Girl]

Thanks Which, I'll look for that thread. I get angry that on at least ten occasions my son has tried to resolve things, talked to his dad and even to her once, yet as the innocent child in it all efforts should lie with the adults in my view!

[seren]

Sunny Girl, your post made me cry, no mean feat. It so reminded me of my son's feelings when his father continued to have nothing to do with him. My boy found out his father was moving to the States by having a phone call from the airport just as he was stepping onto a plane with his new gf and her daughter. He was just 8 at the time and was due to spend a very rare weekend with him, my boy blamed himself for many, many years. As his Mum I couldn't understand how anyone, especially a Dad could not want to know this wonderful, clever, funny boy.

 

I had always looked for excuses to give to my boy as to why his father didn't bother, in the end, when he was in his twenties I just said that it was because he (father) was no dammed good and that it was his loss. Our boy had my husband (H) in his life from when he was 4yrs and had a fantastic relationship with him, which certainly helped. Looking back I think I should have just said to my boy that his father was wrong, that for whatever reason he didn't deserve the love my son had for him and that when he was older he should ask him why.

 

Well this year, some 20 yrs since my boy last saw his father he got an email from a cousin saying they would all be in London and if they could meet. My boy was torn, he is a 28 yr old policeman, yet the thought of meeting his father had him in bits. Frankly I wanted to rip my ex's head off and stuff it down his neck. Instead I made sure I was available on the phone incase. Well they met and my son just said, he could have been anyone, no apology, no real interest nothing. Yet to his US church friends he is seen as some hero for seeing my boy, I see his FB page. It makes my blood boil and sometimes just being there, just letting your son know how loved he is and that you will be the safety net to catch him is all you can do. As for the GF, I too had that and there was nothing I said or could do to change things, even though I wanted to. It will all work out, it may be time to stop making excuses for the ex, I don't know. Can he not meet his father at his grandparents or just go out for the day?

 

All I will say SG, is that as his Mum all you can do is keep on loving him, keep on telling him how great he is and be on hand as a sounding board, a safety net and wait for your boy to realise that anyone can be a father, being a Dad is something different. I so feel for you all and hope it gets easier xx Seren

[Radagast]

I am hoping for some advice on improving things for my son, with his dad; or maybe confirmation that there's nothing I can do.

 

I'm not sure if my contribution will be at all helpful to you, but I guess that's for you to decide. I am not best qualified to speak about father-son relationships, my parents separated when I was about 5 and my mother remarried, leaving me with two fathers (one biological, one step) to have difficult relationships with. It is only relatively recently, through the mediation of my wife, that I've become close to my step-dad and my bio-dad (who has since passed). So father-son relationships are not always a good thing, I certainly resented both of mine when I was growing up although I was very close to my mother throughout.

 

My relationship with my own son is better, again through the mediation of my wife, but also nothing like the close Hollywood parental relationships I'd hoped for (if only to exorcise my own demons). We are simply too different. Growing up he was interested in football and computer games. I bought a house in the country with access to woodlands and fells for exploring and running wild but he resented bad broadband speeds for online gaming and resisted any attempts at father-son bonding activities like building dens, mountain biking or camping. If it didn't involve staring at a screen he wasn't interested. And try as I might, I could not fake interest in Bayern Munich for the requisite hour (or however long football games are).

 

On the other hand my stepson and I are very close. His parents split up when he was a baby, so he has no memory of living with his father in a family unit. He did have some intermittent contact with his father as a small child, most of which seemed to involve anecdotes of begging food from neighbours or having his toys donated to "less fortunate" children, before his father also lost interest and dropped any attempt at maintaining a relationship. There were no birthday cards, no calls, no visits, and no child support payments. He was raised single-handedly by mother, who did a sterling job of bringing up a son who is creative, engaging, respectful, bright, fun and has great values. Now in his early twenties, he is working as a social worker with disadvantaged youths. His father has recently reappeared, expecting a relationship and instead found a polite, but distant response. He and I hit it off really well, having a great deal more in common than simply the most important woman in both of our lives.

 

I guess what I'm saying is... sometimes father-son relationships don't work out the way you'd hope. Some are good, some bad, some absent or non-existent. Not having a father need not damage a son, and some boys benefit from the absence of negative male role models possibly even more than they might have benefited from the presence of good ones. Or, they find those role models elsewhere. My step-son had great teachers at crucial times in his childhood, a wonderful karate instructor, a range of his mother's male friends and some of his own friends's parents. He got what he needed. "It takes a village to raise a child" not just a mother and a father.

 

It's very unfair that your son has to suffer his father's convoluted domestic issues. It's unfair his father is placed in a position of having to choose between his son or his (other)family, but I can't help wondering why he (the father) let it get to that. If his son mattered to him that should have been a non-negotiable throughout his relationship with the woman who became his partner, it should not be an issue now. If his son did not and does not matter enough to him, he should stop hiding behind her apron and own up to that. A man who is not man enough to have his voice heard on an important issue like this is probably not the best role model for a teenage boy anyway. Have you suggested family counselling - for your son, his father, the father's partner and possibly their kids, but at the least the three of them? It's great that your son is getting counselling, but this is not his problem - it's all of theirs.

 

Of course they may refuse, and you may have no choice but to be honest with him and explain that while you were best friends with his dad, his dad failed to do the growing up you did and he's still pretty much a 14 year old boy himself, unable to take on a man's responsibilities, own a man's decisions and be a man and a father. And that this is not through any fault of your son's, that he's great and you're really proud of him (assuming you are) and that you hope that perhaps one day his father will be able to grow up enough to have a relationship with him too. (I know my wife struggled with this; she did not want to badmouth his father to her son, but eventually she had to explain why he simply did not care and was honest with him. Of course he was hurt, of course he would have preferred a father who loved him and cared for him but kids are resilient and he got on with it and really made something of his life. He is pretty much the only kid of that age who has never had issues with the law, or done drugs, or smoked, or drunk to excess; he is not racist or sexist or homophobic or rude and he's mature beyond his years. He's turned out far better than most kids with fathers, because he has an awesome mother who did her best by him, and his sister. And I'm sure this will be true of your son too.)

[TigerCub]

oh (((((SG))))) your post made me so sad. I'm so sorry that your son is hurting so much. I can't understand how a parent can do something like that. How he chose that dumb bimbo over his own kid (and that was before they had kids of their own) - what the hell is that monster's problem that she would have it in for an innocent child.

 

One day your ex will look back and his heart will break when he truly realizes that he missed out on.

 

I'm so sorry for you son. I don't think there really is much you can do. You've tried talking to your ex, you even tried talking to his gf. Keep sending your son to counseling.

 

Would he be willing to do the big brother program (if you have that in England)? Or would 16 be too old for that?

If he can still qualify for it and is interested, maybe it would help him - it wont erase the abandonment he feels from his dad, but at least it might introduce him to some caring and positive male role models.

 

There are people that grow up without fathers, and although the sting of it really affects them, they still grow up and they treat their kids so much better because they know what it was like to lack the love and the support of their own fathers. You're doing the best you can and although his situation breaks my heart, I'm sure he will still grow and flourish and be a wonderful man because you were there.

 

One day his deadbeat ass of a father will look back and truly regret his errors.

 

***HUGS***

[whichwayisup]

Thanks Which, I'll look for that thread. I get angry that on at least ten occasions my son has tried to resolve things, talked to his dad and even to her once, yet as the innocent child in it all efforts should lie with the adults in my view!

 

Oh I completely agree. Adults are the ones who MUST make efforts first and do all to make it work when it comes a kid. WTF is wrong with them.. Boy it pisses me off and I feel bad for your son. He's been jipped of something really good and all for what? Step (bitch) mother who won't allow him to get to know his half siblings and be a part of their family and his own dad isn't making any effort.. I can imagine his pain. It's good he has you and probably some fun uncles or other males in his life for support and a role model.

[Silly_Girl]

Thanks to all, I shall respond, but just wanted to say I appreciate the input.

 

This thread really made my emotions swell. I have done a lot of work this year on myself, and changed many things in my life, so seeing my son suffering with something which should be so easy really frustrates me. I tried contacting my ex by text:

 

 

Hi, [son] had counselling again this evening. Wondered whether family counselling for all involved, you, [girlfriend], [son] and me. Or just you, [girlfriend] and [son]. I'd pay for it because [son] is really struggling with getting the sh*t end of the stick in all this (not that he'd 'fess up to you the damage being done) and it'll soon be too late to improve things at all. Have a chat, see what you think. Thanks.

 

Him:

I'll chat but it won't happen. Don't you think I've tried. We have had blazing rows over it all every other month every year since it all kicked off . I don't get it but it is what it is. Can't make her change her mind. She's her own person. Rant all you like an call me all the names under the sun. It ain't gonna change. Not for the want of trying. And I'd appreciate you not laying the boot in with her thank you. If he wants me to go then it's fine however I don't go much with all that counselling stuff. But that's just my opinion. Some things in life you just have to make the best of it and get on with life.

 

Me:

It's not laying the boot in at all. She's a grown adult and you've let her all but destroy your relationship with your son. As someone who loves you I'm surprised she wants to do that to you and perhaps counselling (which seems to be positive for many people) might help her understand her issues and give her and [son] a chance. You putting your new children before [son] is sickening and you would be furious if someone did it to [your step-daughter]. And you'd do all you could to make things better for her - I know you, and I know you would do that.

And for the record I don't blame [girlfriend], I blame you for not making it clear from the start that [son] would always be part of your family, and I blame you for never taking [son] to the pictures, or for a bike ride, or a coffee, or some chips by the beach or anything at all that might make him feel connected to you and as though he matters. One day he'll be living far away from you and all your chances will be gone for ever, and it will only be your fault. I truly am a single parent these days, it's as if [son's] dad doesn't exist and nor do his grandparents and nor do his siblings and I honestly believe [son] deserves so much better. He's tried so hard.

None of this now is said in anger, it's not heated or malicious, I'm pretty much resigned to you being invisible. If there's things I can do to help [son] have a happier life and not feel rejected and hurt and missing his sister and brother then I'd do it in a shot. So if you get a brainwave and need my help, say so; otherwise I'm giving up and if you and [son] become estranged entirely like you and your dad, so be it.

 

Him:

Cheers for the input. Speak soon.

[Silly_Girl]

Sunny Girl, your post made me cry, no mean feat. It so reminded me of my son's feelings when his father continued to have nothing to do with him. My boy found out his father was moving to the States by having a phone call from the airport just as he was stepping onto a plane with his new gf and her daughter. He was just 8 at the time and was due to spend a very rare weekend with him, my boy blamed himself for many, many years. As his Mum I couldn't understand how anyone, especially a Dad could not want to know this wonderful, clever, funny boy.

 

I had always looked for excuses to give to my boy as to why his father didn't bother, in the end, when he was in his twenties I just said that it was because he (father) was no dammed good and that it was his loss. Our boy had my husband (H) in his life from when he was 4yrs and had a fantastic relationship with him, which certainly helped. Looking back I think I should have just said to my boy that his father was wrong, that for whatever reason he didn't deserve the love my son had for him and that when he was older he should ask him why.

 

Well this year, some 20 yrs since my boy last saw his father he got an email from a cousin saying they would all be in London and if they could meet. My boy was torn, he is a 28 yr old policeman, yet the thought of meeting his father had him in bits. Frankly I wanted to rip my ex's head off and stuff it down his neck. Instead I made sure I was available on the phone incase. Well they met and my son just said, he could have been anyone, no apology, no real interest nothing. Yet to his US church friends he is seen as some hero for seeing my boy, I see his FB page. It makes my blood boil and sometimes just being there, just letting your son know how loved he is and that you will be the safety net to catch him is all you can do. As for the GF, I too had that and there was nothing I said or could do to change things, even though I wanted to. It will all work out, it may be time to stop making excuses for the ex, I don't know. Can he not meet his father at his grandparents or just go out for the day?

 

All I will say SG, is that as his Mum all you can do is keep on loving him, keep on telling him how great he is and be on hand as a sounding board, a safety net and wait for your boy to realise that anyone can be a father, being a Dad is something different. I so feel for you all and hope it gets easier xx Seren

 

Apologies Seren! Didn't intend the tears, although your posts have done that to me before

 

It's sad, for your son. And his dad. And what you wrote about not understanding why he would be reticent, with such a wonderful son to spend time with... I get that.

 

You are right in that I have to be there to catch him, that's my job in all this. And of course I can do that, but - £%&*()*(£*^|*((£^&%)(%£&%) (that's me swearing!!) it seems such a waste and so sad.

 

A counsellor I spoke to (and this has been echoed since) told me that kids need what they need (love, encouragement, shelter, support and so on) but they only have to have it from one parent. If one parent provides everything then (apparently) the impact when they're older is minimal. I am hoping that a) this is true and b) I am getting anywhere close to providing the things he needs.

 

You suggested him seeing his dad at the grandparents but dad simply can't spare time and the grandparents show zero interest in my son. He has so much love to give. I used to drive him to near their house, then he'd cycle the last half a mile, so he could 'drop in' (pre-arranged) but they never really have tried to be in his life. My ex once told me that his mum said that although we never saw eye-to-eye in the past she felt sure I was doing everything and providing everything my son needs, and that's why she didn't feel she needed to 'push in'. But she has a daughter whose life has been 'interesting' and the 16 yr old granddaughter now lives with Nan instead of Mum because life has been tough on the girl.

 

But my boy is my boy. He may not be flunking school or dabbling in drugs and drink like the other teen, but that doesn't mean he couldn't benefit MASSIVELY from being welcome in his own family.

 

I feel I am ranting. I don't mean to. You know how it is, you (one) can tolerate so much, but when someone you love has done nothing wrong yet is suffering...

[whichwayisup]

I'll chat but it won't happen. Don't you think I've tried. We have had blazing rows over it all every other month every year since it all kicked off . I don't get it but it is what it is. Can't make her change her mind. She's her own person. Rant all you like an call me all the names under the sun. It ain't gonna change. Not for the want of trying. And I'd appreciate you not laying the boot in with her thank you. If he wants me to go then it's fine however I don't go much with all that counselling stuff. But that's just my opinion. Some things in life you just have to make the best of it and get on with life.

SG, what is your ex's number? I'll call and yell at him! My god, how old is he? IS he a grown man? Does he have balls? A spine? W..T..F! I'm so angry reading his response to you!

 

He can and should put his foot down with her. "This is MY kid and as long as we're a couple, this is something you MUST do for me. My kids come first." Though he certainly hasn't lived up to that much..

 

; otherwise I'm giving up and if you and [son] become estranged entirely like you and your dad, so be it.

 

One day when your son gets married, has his own children ,your ex will regret this as he won't be in his own sons life, experiencing being there as a loving and spoiling grandfather. He is doing this to himself. He is excluding himself because he's afraid of standing up to her. What is it with these passive men who are so shaking in their pants to stand up and fight for their own children?!

 

It really sucks for your son, that must hurt more than anything.

[Silly_Girl]

I guess what I'm saying is... sometimes father-son relationships don't work out the way you'd hope. Some are good, some bad, some absent or non-existent. Not having a father need not damage a son, and some boys benefit from the absence of negative male role models possibly even more than they might have benefited from the presence of good ones. Or, they find those role models elsewhere. My step-son had great teachers at crucial times in his childhood, a wonderful karate instructor, a range of his mother's male friends and some of his own friends's parents. He got what he needed. "It takes a village to raise a child" not just a mother and a father.

 

I have always felt the 'village' thing. I had my son young and I realised that I didn't have everything he needed, and because I was pretty poor I'd need to work and 1 or 2 or 3 times a week we'd have to rely on family to help out here and there. I remember so many times saying 'the more people he loves, the better'. To be honest I am not sure my son HAS great male role models. My greatest male friend moved to the US 2 years ago, my dad is not a role model, my boyfriend is not here a massive amount of time... He has some great teachers and I have seen him bond with a couple of amazing chaps on school trips abroad, but that has an expiry date. In terms of role models I feel as though my son is better off not seeing his dad, because of the volatile nature of the relationship his dad is in. It was 5+ years later before my son told me about the clothes on the lawn and the plates on the floor stuff.

 

It's very unfair that your son has to suffer his father's convoluted domestic issues. It's unfair his father is placed in a position of having to choose between his son or his (other)family, but I can't help wondering why he (the father) let it get to that. If his son mattered to him that should have been a non-negotiable throughout his relationship with the woman who became his partner, it should not be an issue now. If his son did not and does not matter enough to him, he should stop hiding behind her apron and own up to that. A man who is not man enough to have his voice heard on an important issue like this is probably not the best role model for a teenage boy anyway. Have you suggested family counselling - for your son, his father, the father's partner and possibly their kids, but at the least the three of them? It's great that your son is getting counselling, but this is not his problem - it's all of theirs.

 

I agree with all of this!!!

 

Of course they may refuse, and you may have no choice but to be honest with him and explain that while you were best friends with his dad, his dad failed to do the growing up you did and he's still pretty much a 14 year old boy himself, unable to take on a man's responsibilities, own a man's decisions and be a man and a father. And that this is not through any fault of your son's, that he's great and you're really proud of him (assuming you are) and that you hope that perhaps one day his father will be able to grow up enough to have a relationship with him too.

 

I have outlined that I thought his dad was an awesome man, way back when, and why I loved him and married him, and that it's sad it's gone this way, and that if I can do anything to improve things then I would. I have told my son I've given up now because I can't respect or support his dad's behaviour. For the first time ever Fathers Day came and went and I said not one word, as opposed to buying nice presents and cards etc. I never EVER wanted that but it felt right in the circumstances.

[Silly_Girl]

oh (((((SG))))) your post made me so sad. I'm so sorry that your son is hurting so much. I can't understand how a parent can do something like that. How he chose that dumb bimbo over his own kid (and that was before they had kids of their own) - what the hell is that monster's problem that she would have it in for an innocent child.

 

One day your ex will look back and his heart will break when he truly realizes that he missed out on.

 

I'm so sorry for you son. I don't think there really is much you can do. You've tried talking to your ex, you even tried talking to his gf. Keep sending your son to counseling.

 

Would he be willing to do the big brother program (if you have that in England)? Or would 16 be too old for that?

If he can still qualify for it and is interested, maybe it would help him - it wont erase the abandonment he feels from his dad, but at least it might introduce him to some caring and positive male role models.

 

There are people that grow up without fathers, and although the sting of it really affects them, they still grow up and they treat their kids so much better because they know what it was like to lack the love and the support of their own fathers. You're doing the best you can and although his situation breaks my heart, I'm sure he will still grow and flourish and be a wonderful man because you were there.

 

One day his deadbeat ass of a father will look back and truly regret his errors.

 

***HUGS***

 

Thanks TC, for this. I've looked for the sort of mentor program you mentioned and haven't found anything local to me, but I have a friend who helps teens who come from difficult homes (mostly drugs/drink etc, so a bit different) and asked if there's anything similar and she's looking in to it for me.

 

And your last comment, about how much his dad will regret it... My family say his dad won't regret it, but I tend to think he really will (naive?) and because I think he will regret it I find it gives me more compulsion to help sort things out before more damage is done. But I know I don't have the power to influence that stuff! It's one of my latest lessons learnt... How little 'control' I have over so many things!

[denise_xo]

I don't really have anything useful to add to what's already been said, but I just wanted to express my sympathies. What an awful situation. Your son sounds more mature that his father. Good luck to you both.

[Silly_Girl]

SG, what is your ex's number? I'll call and yell at him! My god, how old is he? IS he a grown man? Does he have balls? A spine? W..T..F! I'm so angry reading his response to you!

 

He can and should put his foot down with her. "This is MY kid and as long as we're a couple, this is something you MUST do for me. My kids come first." Though he certainly hasn't lived up to that much..

 

 

 

One day when your son gets married, has his own children ,your ex will regret this as he won't be in his own sons life, experiencing being there as a loving and spoiling grandfather. He is doing this to himself. He is excluding himself because he's afraid of standing up to her. What is it with these passive men who are so shaking in their pants to stand up and fight for their own children?!

 

It really sucks for your son, that must hurt more than anything.

 

Bless you WWIU! You have it completely. It seems so simple, doesn't it?

 

I have employed so many tactics. I used to say I had to revise back when I was taking exams, and could he sit in with him for an hour whilst I did urgent study. I used to say I couldn't get home early enough on certain days, really rarely but every now and then, so that he'd make the effort to call in and check in on him. I have given money for him to take him out, and given my son money to 'take dad for a drink'. This week my ex came over two evenings, once when I was out at a friend's house and another evening when my boyfriend was over and we'd planned an evening in the games room in the garden, pool, darts, music etc. Both occasions my ex made lots of effort to talk to me and be sociable (as though nothing had happened) but had very limited time to spend.

 

We all hung out together because I know my son wants his dad to feel comfortable and to see him more, but I know it's because I've 'had a moan' and really, if I only had an hour with that kid I'd be sure to whip him away and have him all to myself. My son and I can go on a ten mile walk just for fun and he'll have me in tears with laughter or we'll sing songs, make up jokes. It's not as though he's difficult to be around.

 

I suppose I should be glad his dad saw him and maybe I should quit grumbling, but prior to these two times this week it had been at least a month!

 

My boyfriend surprised my son with a new set of darts and I felt so sad to think that was one more gift than he'd had from his dad this year.

[Trimmer]

Silly_Girl - (you don't seem silly at all to me...)

 

I really thought your comments to your son's father were poignant, especially the paragraph that started with "It's not laying the boot in at all." To me, that paragraph shows me that you have the issues well in hand, are focusing on the right things, and I think you expressed yourself heart-breakingly well to your ex - whether or not he ever "gets it."

 

As a divorced father myself, I can't imagine - for an instant - letting anyone or anything come between maintaining the bond between me and my children, nor for that matter letting anything come between them and their mother - my ex - as they benefit from their bonds with both of us.

 

Having said that, it may be time to begin to understand and accept this as a loss. It seems that you are reaching that point, ("I'm pretty much resigned to you being invisible....") but it may be time for your son to begin to accept that this will be the status quo with his biological father.

 

He has been working so hard at it - seemingly with such maturity, having made overtures and attempts, incorporating suggestions from his counseling, trying, trying, trying... But at some point, he needs to understand what is important for all children of divorce: the responsibility for this situation is not at all to be laid at your son's feet - this is not at all his failure.

 

This may be difficult for him to accept and come to peace with; since he has been so thoughtful and intentional about trying to mend this broken bond, he may take this "failure" upon his own shoulders. But that weight should not fall to him, and I hope that through his counseling (and I don't question the good heart behind the support he will get from you...) he will accept this loss as something outside of his control, and to mourn the loss so he can move forward in life.

 

Note that I've chosen the word "Loss" in my comments here. I've done that very carefully, in a kind of a reflection of your use of the word "Damage." You sound upset (understandably) and maybe even fearful of the "damage" this situation will cause. I understand that feeling, but I encourage you to look at this as a "loss" - a sad one no doubt, but in re-framing it this way, you may be able to come to a more peaceful acceptance, both in looking at the current situation, and in your thoughts as you look toward the future.

 

Take it as a loss, a sad and unfortunate one. One that will need to be worked through, grieved, mourned. And one that you and your son will carry, in some form, into the future - we never forget such a loss as this.

 

But try not to focus too much - to become too fearful, bitter, or tied up - on the idea of the damage. Understand and accept the loss, help support him in his grief, but realize that after loss can always come renewal. And one big reason I can feel this way about your situation is that it's abundantly clear to me that your son is lucky to still have a parent who loves him, has a bond with him, and will be there for him.

 

We all suffer losses - they become a part of us as we move forward. Some people even use them as fuel for growth and strength. Whether or not they are reflected as damage depends on whether and how we are supported in recovering from the losses we experience. I have a good feeling that your son will be well supported in his working through this loss.

 

He sounds like a strong young man, and I'm sure you're proud of him. This is a sad loss, and accepting it may be difficult, but there is a life waiting (for each of you, don't forget!) and healing and renewal lie just on the other side of acceptance.

[Silly_Girl]

Thank you do much for this post Trimmer, I appreciate it. I know you're right. It took a lot of years for me to consider 'giving up', perhaps I should have done so before, I'm not sure. But yes, no amount of wishing - or even begging - is going to fundamentally change things and it's important for my son that I accept the situation without bitterness.

 

I take your point on the 'damage' front. I'm also pretty sure that currently my son is aware this isn't his fault, his failure. His conversation with his dad has left him reassured of what's what, I think. So I need to (gently) ensure it stays that way.

[whichwayisup]

Bless you WWIU! You have it completely. It seems so simple, doesn't it?

 

You're welcome..

 

We all hung out together because I know my son wants his dad to feel comfortable and to see him more, but I know it's because I've 'had a moan' and really, if I only had an hour with that kid I'd be sure to whip him away and have him all to myself. My son and I can go on a ten mile walk just for fun and he'll have me in tears with laughter or we'll sing songs, make up jokes. It's not as though he's difficult to be around.

 

Holy crap, he's scared to spend one on one time with his son! Scared of the 'talking' that is going to happen if they are alone. Which of course is going to make him feel weird and uncomfortable. (hmm, notice how it's ALL about your ex, and not about his own son!) Being in a crowd, he can be "good ol' dad", pal around and joke with his son, hide from the big fat purple elephant in the room and keep things light because everybody else is around. It's safe for him.

My family say his dad won't regret it, but I tend to think he really will (naive?) and because I think he will regret it

 

As sick as this is, hate to bring it up, the day your ex will feel bad, feel guilt and wish he did this instead of that - IF he is unwell.... You know where I'm going with this...

 

I was in the room when my father passed away (cancer) and we all had time together, said many I love you's through tears, hugs and kisses.. There was peace in the sense that there were NO issues (not that there was any issues to begin with) and I feel and still feel no guilt. I loved my father and he loved me.

 

So many people lose a parent with unresolved issues and it messes them up.

 

Your son is and has tried to connect with his dad, you've gone well beyond the call of duty to make them closer too, but ex is too wrapped up in himself.

 

Your son should feel no guilt NOW. I hope this makes sense. PM me if you'd like..just so I don't take your thread in a different direction..

Edited June 23, 2012 by whichwayisup

[alexandria35]

I went through this with the father of my kids and there was no one gf I could blame his choices on as he had several women in and out of his life and it didn't matter who he was with or if he was single, he just didn't have any interest in the kids. He didn't care if he saw them and on the rare occassions where he would make plans with them he would often break those plans or sometimes just plain stand the kids up where they would be all ready to go with him, dressed and waiting around the front door and he simply wouldn't show up. No explanation no phonecall to let us know why he wasn't coming. Total heartless disrespect. If I confronted him and tried to express to him that he was hurting the kids by his actions he would actually rage at me, accuse me of being selfish and self centered and angrily tell me I was a bitch if I couldn't understand he had important things to do. Once, and I swear to God this is true, his excuse for being a no-show is that he had to do his laundry. Oh my god! I was like 'umm...didn't you know you had laundry to do when you made plans to see the kids? Why didn't you call and tell me? We waited all day. Did your laundry take all day?" LOL...His response was to start screaming over the phone at me, call me a f**king b*tch and hang up in my ear.

 

When the kids were really young I used to chase their father around via phonecalls trying to control the situation and force him to have some kind of relationship with the kids. By the time my oldest was about 8 or 9 yrs old I had given up. I quit chasing him down and let him come and go as he pleased as I was fed up with fighting and arguing with him over it and nothing ever improved anyways. I gave up on him and I guess in a way my kids followed my lead and did the same thing. They stopped expecting anything from him and basically lived their lives accepting that their father was not an active parent in their life and likely never would be. I guess that's a cold reality and I don't know if it was right or wrong of me to have stopped encouraging a relationship between they and their father, but at the time it seemed a lot better than seeing them rejected over and over again. By the time my oldest reached his teen years he had pretty much accepted that he was fatherless. He didn't call his father, he didn't talk about him and he didn't have any unrealistic expectations. By this time we were hearing from him or seeing him maybe twice a year and so there was no point in having my children having any fantasies of ever having a good father son relationship with him. Heartbreaking at the time and heartbreaking even now as I'm writing this down.

 

Today things are the same where he is concerned. My oldest son has zero relationship with his father. When he got married and had his first child he reached out to his dad a few more times. He wanted his son to know his grandfather and he thought maybe his dad had matured and would want this too. Nope. All he got was more rejection and heartache and I hurt for him all over again. With my youngest son who is also a young adult now it's a little different. My youngest gets together with his father about once or twice a month.When they go out my son pays for everything. If they go out for dinner or to catch a movie or even just for coffee my son pays for both himself and his father. He has also lent his father rather large sums of money as his dad still to this day doesn't like to work or pay bills. So in the past my youngest son has actually paid his fathers rent several times so that he woudn't be evicted from his apartment. When I heard this was going on I was so angry and I did have a talk with my son about it and strongly discouraged him from giving his father any more money. My youngest is generous beyond belief and somehow felt responsible for his dads well being even though his father had never felt the same way about him. He has since realized that there is no end to what his father will take from him if he allows it so he has since quit giving him money and now just pays for their get togethers. He seems okay with this arrangement so I mind my own business and stay out of it. My oldest says he doesnt' have a father and that as far as he is concerned his dad is dead to him.

 

Sorry for the long ramble Sillygirl. To sum up though what seemed to work best for myself and for my children when they were still children was to just let go of their father and accept the reality of the situation. When they saw me give up on him they did the same and while that is very sad I still think it was more emotionally healthy for them in the long run. It seems that your son is holding onto false hopes and unrealistic expectations. He can wish and try for a good father son relationship with his dad till he's blue in the face and it won't do him a bit of good if his dad isn't willing. In the meantime your son suffers rejection over and over again while he is trying to succeed at something that is futile. Maybe you could help him with the process of acceptance and letting go. I think he would be better off learning that people are what they are and we don't have the power to change other people, all we can do is accept the truth and learn not to let the actions of others affect our own self esteem and self worth.

[turnera]

SG, the best thing you can do for your son is to ensure that he keeps going to therapy. So that he can acknowledge the crappy dad he got, grieve for the father he should have had, and become ok with himself despite it.

[jade4071]

It's a little late to chime in but I'll add my story. I'm a daughter, now in my 40's, who grew up with a mostly absent father. He has since passed away (about 9 months ago) and we never resolved the problems in our relationship, not for a lack of some trying. My parents divorced when I was three and while my dad never remarried, my mom is on her 4th or 5th husband and lives several states away (for which I am glad but that's a whole other story). Also, as far as I know I'm an only child .

 

My dad always had a lot of different GF's and I can only recall one who was around for any length of time, about 8 years. What struck a chord for me in the OP's story are the grandparents who don't seem to care about your son's situation with his dad, and the dad seems incredibly weak and self-centered. My dad's parents were mostly as you describe your son's grandparents and in fact, still are to this day. My grandparents are very elderly but both still alive, neither of them have changed much.

 

Unfortunately there isn't much you or your son can do about the level of selfishness on the part of his dad or the grandparents. Does your son have any positive male role models?

 

I feel for your son because this can be a hellish situation to live with. I eventually learned I wasn't the "loser" I made myself out to be because of my parents' issues. My g-ma never defended my dad's actions, she never really did anything in that regard. My dad was her least favorite child so not much effort was going to be expended in my case, I assume anyway. My g-pa did make more of an effort but never really got far....my dad was a stubborn SOB who disliked his parents.

 

Don't know how your son feels about his grandparents but I wish my parents had not insisted I have a relationship with them (not saying you're doing the same). My parents married and had me at a young age and after the divorce I was left with the g-parents a lot while my parents went out and lived their lives. My g-pa worked 10-12 hours a day and g-ma wasn't thrilled about being my babysitter. I hated going over there as it only reinforced how invisible I felt.

 

FF to present, nothing much has changed with my dad's family. Last fall I found out my dad was in the hospital on life support. I found out from his younger brother who knew for months my dad was dying and no one, including my dad, ever said anything to me. That is, until my uncle called less than 24 hours before my dad died. Since I was my dad's only next-of-kin, I had to make the decision as to keep him on life support or not. He was brain dead and I ultimately made the decision to remove life support. At this point, I had not seen or spoken to my father since the end of 2009. Our last conversation was an argument.

 

I paid for all of my dad's final expenses and took care of his estate; most of which was a huge mess. My dad's family never offered a nickel in financial help and have not been a source of emotional support. I didn't need the money but it p*sses me off they didn't even offer. Sometimes when I feel angry I wish I would have never gone to the hospital in the first place. Not because of the money but because, once again, I was invisible to them and they just don't care - nothing has changed. Being exposed to that all over again has been a lot to deal with. They called me when they had to legally, when they knew it was close to over. Granted, my dad should have told me he was gravely ill but he was spending $60+ a day at the liquor store and having alcohol related dementia at only 60yo....he was barely alive and not making any rational decisions.

 

My story is a bit dramatic but my point is, the g-parents ignoring your son in the way that they do....it's painful and toxic, as painful/toxic as the crappy treatment he gets from his dad and stepmom. Most toxic people don't change; they don't think there's anything wrong with them or they simply don't care. My g-ma has never changed much and I'm still mostly ignored by them (g-parents/dad's four siblings). There was a bit of a flurry for a few months after my dad died, but now? Nothing. Back to normal. Over the 4th all of them had a large family get-together, of which most of them are still at, and we weren't invited. They've had family reunions where we were not invited but g-ma would send me pictures of later. I'd love to be able to say there was something I'd done to deserve being treated this way (as it would be something concrete I could understand, even if I didn't agree), as I'm surely not perfect, but can't come up with anything that would warrant it.

 

I know your son's at an age where preventing/limiting the time with his g-parents and other toxic people is getting tougher, he's not a little kid anymore. Hopefully there are other good people in his life, like yourself, who he can have good experiences with.

 

I've focused a lot on the g-parent issue but your son's dad and stepmom; the dad is an extremely weak person and the stepmom is beyond reproach (can't say what I really think). IMHO, his dad is not a dad, only a sperm donor. He doesn't deserve to be called dad .

[Teacher121]

I feel your pain..

 

The x cut both his kids out after I kicked him to the street. I had excellent cause to gain sole custody, but really wanted him to have a relationship with his kids. As crazy as he is, he's still their father.

 

He married the minute the divorce was final and had actually moved their now step mother into their home within five minutes after we moved. She's never worked and has skipped from marriage to marriage all her adult life. She has three children at were all left with their fathers yet she refuses to allow my x to maintain a relationship with his children.

 

When my son graduated his dad called him the next day and said, "if you want any of this $hit in your room, better get it now. Mind you son hadn't spent a night there in years, but he felt violated. Son had to take him to court to get his college money(60 grand) as we had saved their accounts in the divorce. His dad stated he didn't need to go and he wanted the money. Knowing his sister was facing the same dilemma in a few years betook him to court, fought it and won.

 

His dad has spent zero time with his son and daughter in the last five years. They tried for awhile and it was awful. I'm glad now they stay away. Is hell for them when they have to deal with them at all. The best advice I can give you is some I got a long time ago.

 

Your x's relationship with his son is his and his alone. The harder you try the more turmoil it will cause. Take the high road and sympathize with your son by saying, " how does that make you feel?" or simply just "oh".

 

I've been through heck and back again with similar circumstances. If he can't stand up to his wife in defense of his own son, totally his loss. I know the pain is difficult to watch with your son, but honestly, like I said, it is what it is and eventually son will figure it out. Keep him in the counseling. I wish I had with my son, but he hated it and then refused to go.

 

I must add that for almost two years in there he divorced that skank and then married he sorry rear again when the next victim she had her claws in backed out. She had been cheating on him for almost a year, he filed, divorced her and then took her back again cause her plan fell through. Meanwhile all that time he stated he couldn't see the kids because he was a train wreck. He had her and her 19 year old living there at the time and the young man had no job, sat and did nothing all day, and he must have fed and supported this young man, yet wouldnt and still won't lift a finger now for his own flesh and blood.

 

This happens often.

 

1. You can let it eat you alive and nothing changes.

 

2. Move on, be ther for your son, be an ear, listen, stay out of it and let eir relationship be theirs whatever that may be. It may be nothing and honestly, your son may be better off without. I know mine is and was. He struggles now some, but I always ask him, " how long are you going to use that excuse for anything that happens?" there comes a point when it's time to just say......whatever our lives go on with out you.

 

When you do this, it's very liberating for you both.

 

Your son will follow your lead even at 16.

[turnera]

My dad left to sow his wild oats when I was 12. When he realized all he could get was older women with kids, he tried to come back home but my mom wasn't buyin' it.

 

He was married by the time I was 15. When I was 16, he (obviously trained by his new wife) told me that, since I could now drive, if I wanted to see him...well, I knew where he lived.

 

He then went on to adopt his new wife's son, my age. And leave him everything in his will.

 

Class act, there.

[Teacher121]

Tunera.........that stinks, I'm sorry you had to go through that.

 

Bet your a much better person all the way around, you learned what not to be to your kids.

[turnera]

Yeah, my daughter's pretty amazing, despite all my dysfunctions. The best thing I did was love to learn. I read everything I could get my hands on about what happened to me, what might happen to her, and how to prevent it. Cycles repeat...unless you step in to change it.

[iambookworm]

Sorry to hear about your situation. Your x seems like a class act. I cannot really relate as I have a very close relationship with my dad.

 

One thing I can say though is that, throughout all this, continually reinforce your love to your kid. That no matter what YOU will love him. Whatever he decides, you will support him.

 

I feel bad that the person acting like an adult in this situation is your son, and not the dad. Can he be with the siblings without both the x and gf? Maybe he can set up activities with them? Or volunteer to act as babysitter for the kids when the parents go out? That way he can have time with them without the 2 "adults" messing things up.