A funny thing happened the other day....

[Barrsitter]

After 8 months of NC, I sent my xMM a text message. A rather non-committal, "how are you?" message. One friend to another. Got a pleasant answer and had absolutely no emotional reaction to it. Since then, we've had a few platonic messages about nothing at all and I can say confidently, that I am over him. I am back to my old self - not really caring one way or another about him. I've stopped thinking about him all the time or wanting a relationship with him. And I dropped the judgment on him for staying with his wife. He's on his path and I'm on mine. So be it. I accept that we are not together and figure it's for a good reason which in time will become apparent. Regardless, I am at peace with everything now which is what I wanted. Closure.

Edited June 12, 2012 by Barrsitter

[whichwayisup]

Sorry B, but I think you made a huge mistake by texting him after so many months of NC. Get ready for flurry of texts, maybe even phone calls. He probably thinks you're fishing and he *may* now try to get you back into the A.

 

Guess I don't understand why one would break NC just to say "hi" and make a point.

 

Do you want 'friendship' from him? What if he shows up and tries to kiss you. It's one thing to send platonic texts it's another if you see him face to face.

[SBC]

whichwayisup, I agree. It is like saying I had a cigarette to confirm that I had quit smoking.

 

Every time I broke NC, it was because I was ready to resume the relationship.

[OpenBook]

Awesome, Barrsitter! I'm glad you've found peace and closure. Onward and upward!! :bunny:

[Artie Lang]

Since then, we've had a few platonic messages about nothing at all and I can say confidently, that I am over him. I am back to my old self - not really caring one way or another about him.

 

if you were TRULY over him there would be no need for this thread, as you would've been NO CONTACT. make sense?

[MissBee]

I hope your closure is lasting Barrsitter.

 

I say this because I think it was just last week that you were missing your exMM and wanted to text him. So it is strange (and from my own experience always a false closure) when you go from one extreme to the next in a matter of a week. The break up/detaching process is tricky and it's a rollercoaster. I have experienced so many false feelings/premature feelings of closure or feeling I could contact the ex now..did it...felt exhilarated for a few days then crashed. I'm sure this is some type of process, as it is common and happens to a lot of people. It's like an addiction, where you miss them so bad and need a fix, so you do it, and it feels good, and you even feel in control like see I did it, that wasn't bad. i would be on a high feeling like wow, I'm over it now. I was always wrong. I wasn't over it...I got a fix.

 

It's especially bad if this person takes your message as an invite to start contacting you and then you can't resist and think "well we're over it now, a non-committal message can't hurt"....so you respond, and all may seem well, then there are back and forth messages, and then they may not respond to a message...then you start wondering why and then at some point you realize you're not as over it as you think and you may even start feeling hurt by them again and NC has to resume.

 

Everyone heals at different rates, so I won't say that you can't heal 8 months in...you can, but I'd be suspicious of my own feelings, if I am not healed one week then the next I am completely over it, surprisingly right after I contacted him. I had to go through many false feelings of closure before it was real, and for me, when it was real I had absolutely zero desire to text him to make sure. I don't think a sign of you being over it is the desire to talk to the person or send them a message frankly, esp. in such a short space of time, where before you just were missing them.This may not apply top you at all and you may be over it...and if so, I'm really happy for you, but just saying this is a possibility. Also being post-A friends is misleading, as if he chose to stay with his wife, then him being friends with you is not possible.

Edited June 12, 2012 by MissBee

[Happyface]

I responded to xMM a couple of months ago after 15 months NC. I know now can never make peace with him or be his friend.

 

He began to pressure me to get back into the A. He started texting and emailing without my permission.

 

He eventually told me in an email, that he was doing everything to make things right with his wife... however, he desperately wanted to get back into the A , all because I was the true love of his life.

 

Unfotunately, before, I foolishly truly believed him. Then his wife discovered something. He turned his back on me.

 

I am glad that I had the contact with him. I can see now what a fraud he really is.

 

Bar, I hope you don't tak it any further.

 

Cheers.

 

Happy Face, XGG

[Barrsitter]

No worries HF...neither of us will be trying to get back into the A. We haven't had any contact for several days - both of us are extremely busy with our lives. Glad I texted him though, cause somehow it helped me to stop thinking about him so much. Miss Bee - all good points but I'm not hurt he isn't contacting me regularly and I wasn't on a high when he did write back a few days ago. Was just sort of ho-hum about it. Cheers....

Edited June 14, 2012 by Barrsitter

[sad puppy]

B - I'm glad you are doing better! I'm right behind you, thanks for the inspiration..

[heartinlove]

HI Sad Puppy. Nice to see you are doing better with it all. Just keep moving forward.

[Barrsitter]

whichwayisup - no..there hasn't been a flurry of emails and phone calls. Quite the opposite. Haven't heard from him this week. He won't try to start up again b/c as he told me last fall....he won't come to me until he's out of his M.

[confusedinkansas]

This sounds familiar.

Here's how mine went.

1 year of NC. Complete NC.

He emails me. I email back...non threatening, non committal. Just about the kids, families, etc. Nothing major.

(he has a live in girlfriend - I'm still married to my husband)

 

Next thing you know I"m getting emails (not a flurry of them - just one every few weeks or few months) asking me to meet him.

Just for a drink....just as friends.

 

I think you've opened a can of worms - I hope not for your sake.

It's even harder to shake them free after the communication has opened up again............ Just sayin'.

[confusedinkansas]

Sorry - had another thought.

 

I personally wish we all could be friends with our XAP's.

I like mine, always will. Would be nice to be able to visit with him, catch up on what's happening in his life. Hang out. Yadda Yadda Yadda

 

HOWEVER, I still think that he's a serial cheater & out for numero UNO.

AND I know that if it were a one on one situation the chances would go up that the sexual tension would come into play again.

 

I also know he & my husband would get along if the 4 of us could be friends.

 

with all that said - I KNOW IT'S IMPOSSIBLE for that fantasy life to exist.

[TigerCub]

Hey Barrsitter ,

 

I'm really glad that you feel at peace.

 

I don't intend to rain on your parade, but please be careful.

I've been there, NC for a long time, deleting xMM's attempts at contact.

Then after over a year of ignoring him, he finally apologizes for what he's done.

 

Leaves it at that - all good, we're not slipping back into contact.

He's not sending a flurry of emails.

 

but, once every month or so, there's a "how ya doing email"

and its easy to just get talking about movies,music, interests all over again...

 

Then one day we ran into each other and had coffee. I remembered how much I missed being around him and just talking. Just that ease of talking, from before.

 

Innocent talking - that's it, but I knew that if I didn't cut him out again, this would be a path that I don't want to walk down.

 

Its easy to feel safe and that you've made your peace when you do feel that nothing is going on - but honestly, these MMs are crafty and the smart ones would take it slow, so not to spook you and let you know of their true intentions.

 

xMM apologized for his lies and that was something I never expected, so I was more forgiving and its been so long since we've ended, I see him for what he is, and I'm with someone that I love and want to be with, so I know that nothing will happen - but I also know that having any contact with him is never truly innocent on his part - or at least, I know not to take his actions as innocently as they come off as.

 

I cut him completely off again. I don't need him in my life at all - that's just me, but he's a reminder of the worst time of my life. He's a liar, he's a wolf in sheep's clothing and I let the fact that he apologized soften me a bit, and I'm so glad that I can see things for what they are. Again, this is just my case, and this is just me - but I urge you to be careful.

 

8 months NC is an accomplishment. Being at peace is great, but being aware and learning from the past is priceless.

Edited June 15, 2012 by TigerCub

[KathyM]

I would say you had some hope in the back of your mind that he would still have feelings for you, would still be thinking about you, and maybe regretting his decision to stay with his wife. Otherwise, if you really were over him, you wouldn't have made that call. You wanted validation that you still meant something to him. That's really not in your best interests to call him. It only opens a can of worms that should be left closed. Stick with the NC, and move on, for your own sake, as well as his family's sake.

[TurningTables]

I would say you had some hope in the back of your mind that he would still have feelings for you, would still be thinking about you, and maybe regretting his decision to stay with his wife. Otherwise, if you really were over him, you wouldn't have made that call. You wanted validation that you still meant something to him. That's really not in your best interests to call him. It only opens a can of worms that should be left closed. Stick with the NC, and move on, for your own sake, as well as his family's sake.

 

 

I most likely get moderated for what Im about to say, but Im going to say it anyways. I find it funny that people here will go "Yay!" for people like East and LadyGrey, who in recent times who had contact with their fAP, came on here and posted about it, but because Barr has had contact, its "Oh, you must not be over him!" and " I think you wanted to resume the A because you talked to him or you wouldnt be on here posting!" I think its nutty.

 

Anyways, Barr, if you are still reading, Im glad that you got closure. Sometimes its all we need to move on from a situation. You need to take this new found freedom and run with it. There is so much out there waiting for you, just go out and grab it! Good luck to you girl!

 

Oh and BTW: Just in case anyone is wondering..NC is a super way to heal. I am not debating that. I am just saying that people heal at different speeds, levels and ways. This text message could have been the way that Barr heals faster. Ya know? If it isnt, its okay. We have all fallen off the NC wagon every now and then, we picked ourselves up and moved on.

Edited June 15, 2012 by TurningTables
forgot to clarify

[TigerCub]

I most likely get moderated for what Im about to say, but Im going to say it anyways. I find it funny that people here will go "Yay!" for people like East and LadyGrey, who in recent times who had contact with their fAP, came on here and posted about it, but because Barr has had contact, its "Oh, you must not be over him!" and " I think you wanted to resume the A because you talked to him or you wouldnt be on here posting!" I think its nutty.

 

Anyways, Barr, if you are still reading, Im glad that you got closure. Sometimes its all we need to move on from a situation. You need to take this new found freedom and run with it. There is so much out there waiting for you, just go out and grab it! Good luck to you girl!

 

 

I understand what you're saying TT, but there were a lot of threads where back in the day East would say that he's still in touch with his xMW and people would warn him against it and he didn't want to listen. It wasn't always all "rah rah, you go East" reaction.

 

I think people are making comments because Barr is the one that broke NC and that's why - whether the comments are justified or not, I think that's the reasoning behind it and its the same reaction that East got before.

 

East's last thread where he got lots of support was when xMW contacted him - he didn't break any NC to look her up and chit chat and through that contact he was talking about how he moved on - so I think the difference is who broke NC.

 

I'm not saying that Barr hasn't done good, I think 8 months NC is fantastic, I was just warning her about how sometimes what she might see as friendship is a completely different plan for the xMM. No judgements on her at all.

 

btw - I love your signature - Did you write that? I totally love it!

[KathyM]

I most likely get moderated for what Im about to say, but Im going to say it anyways. I find it funny that people here will go "Yay!" for people like East and LadyGrey, who in recent times who had contact with their fAP, came on here and posted about it, but because Barr has had contact, its "Oh, you must not be over him!" and " I think you wanted to resume the A because you talked to him or you wouldnt be on here posting!" I think its nutty.

 

Anyways, Barr, if you are still reading, Im glad that you got closure. Sometimes its all we need to move on from a situation. You need to take this new found freedom and run with it. There is so much out there waiting for you, just go out and grab it! Good luck to you girl!

 

Oh and BTW: Just in case anyone is wondering..NC is a super way to heal. I am not debating that. I am just saying that people heal at different speeds, levels and ways. This text message could have been the way that Barr heals faster. Ya know? If it isnt, its okay. We have all fallen off the NC wagon every now and then, we picked ourselves up and moved on.

Well, I've never supported someone in contacting their ex MM for anyone on here. I don't think it's a good idea to open that can of worms, and it is better left closed. I have supported/encouraged people to contact the BS to divulge the affair so the BS is not left to live their life in the dark with a cheater. I don't know the situations of East and Lady Grey, but, to my knowledge, Lady Gray was led to believe her MM was separated, and she had the guts to contact the BS and inform her of what the WS was up to. I'm not sure what contact she had afterwards with the MM, so I can't comment on that and have not commented on that in the past.

[nofool4u]

Sorry - had another thought.

 

I personally wish we all could be friends with our XAP's.

I like mine, always will. Would be nice to be able to visit with him, catch up on what's happening in his life. Hang out. Yadda Yadda Yadda

 

HOWEVER, I still think that he's a serial cheater & out for numero UNO.

AND I know that if it were a one on one situation the chances would go up that the sexual tension would come into play again.

 

I also know he & my husband would get along if the 4 of us could be friends.

 

with all that said - I KNOW IT'S IMPOSSIBLE for that fantasy life to exist.

 

Unless a betrayed spouse has a lax attitude, and doesn't care much at all about anything, you can't stay friends with a person you messed around with behind their back, and respect them at the same time.

[2sunny]

Unless a betrayed spouse has a lax attitude, and doesn't care much at all about anything, you can't stay friends with a person you messed around with behind their back, and respect them at the same time.

 

Yep.

 

Do you think he's told his wife he's been texting you again?

 

You CAN'T possibly KNOW how he's feels about starting this contact again. One thing's for sure - it gets you on his mind again!

 

Your ego feed may cost HIM his Marriage!!! How is that ok for YOU?

 

Think before you ct!

 

Go get your ego feed from an available man!

 

Stop causing potential harm to him/his M by communicating.

[MissBee]

Unless a betrayed spouse has a lax attitude, and doesn't care much at all about anything, you can't stay friends with a person you messed around with behind their back, and respect them at the same time.

 

This is true. That friendship has been ruined forever, unless they divorce their spouse or the spouse is on board with the friendship too. No matter how nice and wonderful they are, if they cheated on their spouse with you, then if they're trying to reconcile, it is highly unlikely they can have it both ways: i.e. maintain a friendship with their exAP and reconcile.

 

 

This is one way a normal breakup and an A break up differs. It is possible to be friends with an ex when you've both moved on and have their current SO not mind. But it is rather difficult, if not impossible, that if you cheated on someone with another, their partner will be okay with continued friendship.

[2sunny]

You contacting- even in this so called " innocent" exchange could very well cause the end for them. It would for me if my then H had ANY exchange with his OW.

 

Your selfishness of reaching out is your ego stroke at the expense of costing him his M.

 

I hope you're happy with yourself.

[MissBee]

You contacting- even in this so called " innocent" exchange could very well cause the end for them. It would for me if my then H had ANY exchange with his OW.

 

Your selfishness of reaching out is your ego stroke at the expense of costing him his M.

 

I hope you're happy with yourself.

 

I think this is unfair. She reached out...he didn't have to answer. HE is the one who is costing his own marriage if he chose to respond, knowing his wife wouldn't like it.

 

You can't stop people from texting/email/phoning you...but you sure as heck can control whether or not you respond. If his wife doesn't want him speaking to Barrsitter then he shouldn't respond. Plain and simple. His own intentions will determine the state of his marriage.

 

A marriage can only be saved if the WS has TRUE intentions of leaving their former AP alone and focusing on their marriage. No matter what, HE in choosing to cheat in the first place is the one who has caused all other repercussions that may cost him his marriage. Too bad, so sad for him frankly.

[Trimmer]

Anyways, Barr, if you are still reading, Im glad that you got closure.

So is it really "closure" as in "it's over", or is it just indefinite suspension:

He won't try to start up again b/c as he told me last fall....he won't come to me until he's out of his M.

Maybe I'm reading too much into the use of the word "until" here, but this kinda sounds like a relationship that is not closed.

 

More power to you if you have chosen to have NC until he is free of his marriage, but a little "check-in" contact to achieve final closure from someone you never expect to have contact with again is one thing. A little check-in contact with someone who is waiting to come to you "until" he's out of his marriage is a very different thing.

[Artie Lang]

I think this is unfair. She reached out...he didn't have to answer.

 

what reason is there for her to reach out, in the first place?! it makes no sense, if she's truly over him.

 

people don't do things without reason.