My girlfriend flirts with other guys when drunk, is she on the verge of cheating?

[colt85]

I’ve been with my girlfriend for the past 18 month and everything has been mostly smooth sailing, no major issues and I love her very much. I often think she might be the one. She’s smart, her family is wonderful and I’m incredibly attracted to her physically.

 

But in recent weeks I’ve doubted whether she is the one for me and if she even loves me at all. Recently, I’m the one always initiating sex and showing any sort of affection. She has also displayed some behaviour where some serious red flags have arisen. Her cheating on me or just using me as a doormat has also crossed my mind, but I think she has a good moral conscious and would never cheat. She says she loves me but I rarely do I see it in her actions toward me in recent months.

 

Over the past 18 months the only issues I’ve had is with her craving for alcohol and rate of consumption. On 3 occasions she has lost total control, and most recently began flirting with a group of guys at the club while out with myself and our mutual friends. This flirting happened on and off for about 45 minutes before I’d seen enough and we left. I dropped her off home and left. The next day I told her how upset I was at her disrespecting me like that and asked why she was flirting with random guys. She claimed not to remember this group of guys and apologized for her drunkenness, but not for her behaviour. I know I need to stop her drinking to the point of drunkenness but I can’t seem to get the message across.

 

We made up the next day and I stayed over at her place. She left for work early and as I had a late start would leave later that morning. Mistake 1, while getting ready to leave I noticed a journal which I won’t deny, I found while looking in a carry bag which was in her wardrobe. Mistake 2, I couldn’t help but read it. I know I crossed the line here but I had to see what she was like in past years, past relationship to see if this behaviour is just part of who she is or worse.

 

This old journal was from her early twenties, she’s now in her late twenties and was written while on a trip to Europe. Drunken behaviour, including picking up guys in every city, including wait staff and bar tenders across every page. She had boyfriend at the time (similar type of guy to me) who she constantly cheated on and documented every guy, over 10 in total. She even bought her then boyfriend at the time a present despite all of her cheating. I also think this was normal behaviour for her when she returned home and during her relationships with her other partners in between me.

 

So, am I right to be concerned about my relationship? Should I get out now and avoid more heartache later on? I understand I should not have read her journal, but it seems she’s been acting in this way for quite a few years and this is just normal behaviour for her.

Can people change as they mature or is a cheater always a cheater? Can I believe her when she says she can’t remember flirting with any other guys when drunk? She’s flirted with random guys on other occasions over the 18 months. Alcohol is the common denominator, but how can I be sure she’s not getting drunk and hooking up with other guys when I’m not there? I told her to stop drinking but she’s gone ahead and done it at least twice since then. How can I talk to her about this issue?

[Andy_K]

Alcohol isn't a cause, it's an excuse. Most people don't even consider cheating no matter how drunk they are.

 

I think you already know what your girlfriend is like, and what's going to happen sooner or later if you stay with her. Whether you'll do what needs to be done is another question.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You are one helluva guy...that's a lot of crap you are dealing with.

 

First off, you've got to understand a girl like this has issues beyond you and not because of you or the relationship, some real, deep, personal issues and scars that she's learned to deal with her issues by consuming alcohol so she can commit all of these acts.

 

I knew a guy that sounds just like you...I went out with a group of friends and one of the guys GF tried to sleep with me at the end of the night while her BF stepped away. I was pretty intoxicated and I wasn't even paying attention to her advances, despite some extremely obvious signs and gestures..but I didn't want any of the drama, I ended up getting caught up in the middle though even though I did absolutely nothing just for being the target. I spoke with the guy about it, I thought he would be aggressive but he wasn't, just very passive and understanding...that's when I understood that she's with this guy for a reason.

 

Guys like you are safety nets for women like this, you're their sure fire thing, support system. They have issues, they go off on these wild adventures getting drunk and acting slutty then go back to real life. There is no doubt in my mind that she's cheated on youalready and the fact that she flirted with guys in front of you is hugely disrespectful and you should have been livid...I would have never tolerated that, I have never experienced or witnessed that....but you know what, she doesn't respect you nor does she take you seriously as a man, you should have reacted in that situation...If a girl I'm dating were to do that I'd assume she was a whore and not relationship material, automatic deal breaker and she would have sealed her fate even though I would have said nothing, because honestly I don't care that much about her at that point If she disrespects me like that.

 

This really doesn't sound like the type of girl for you man, you've got to me more of the man and in control, it sounds like she runs all over you and does what she wants...I feel sorry for you because a guy like you even after finding out the truth will still stick around, just like the guys GF who tried to cheat with me, and I had a feeling it wasn't even the first time...just sad.

 

I don't know what else to tell ya, If she hasn't cheated, she will in the future, you're just the nice guy boyfriend who treats her well and loves her, she's just using you man, get yourself a nice girl to love, what's your issues loving a girl like this? what do you find so appealing about this girl? you're just far too weak, It's sad,whether man or woman.

[D-Lish]

If someone I was dating openly flirted with other women in front of me I'd kick him to the curb immediately. That's so disrespectful!

 

I'd have to agree that if she hasn't cheated yet, she will. Given that you've read her own words about her cheating- you've seen she has no conscience with regard to doing it.

[Joaquin]

What you have on your hands is a very gamey girlfriend.

 

In my experience they are fine if your ok playing along and arent too serious with them (ie not exclusive etc) but they are defo not material for a serious relationship or to be getting too attached to.

 

In fact, IF YOU ALLOW IT girls like that will totally drain you and turn you into a wreck.

[nofool4u]

People who flirt aren't trustworthy. Its just a matter of time and opportunity before she cheats.

 

Flirting is the signaling and exposure of sexual interest to the recipient.

 

In other words, by flirting she is letting these guys know she is interested.

 

Get rid of her.

[colt85]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm being used, abused and disrespected. I'm going to end it now than cause more stress to myself down the track.

[Pens55]

Wow, I could write a novel about this. But yes, as Ninja stated, there are most likely underlying issues that are not your fault, do not reflect on you in any way, and you cannot fix.

 

I wish I could tell you that you could talk it out with her and make her see reason, but I can attest to the fact that it doesnt work. Most likely, this is the tip of the iceberg....get away now before you see what's underneath the water, cause it aint pretty.

 

I was in a similar situation, and it totally sucked. But the silver lining is that I am better able to identify what I am looking for in a relationship and have become more cautious of those red flags.

[CarboniteCammy]

I have to agree with Nofool. My experience with flirty people has not been great.

 

I find that people who enjoy flirting also enjoy making their partners insecure in other ways, and that usually people who flirt consistantly seem to need more validation then one person can provide.

[KungFuJoe]

This is a very tough one because it all depends on her personality type. Some girls are just naturally flirty, extroverts, social, etc. And it's completely harmless. My wife is what I just described. She talks to ANYONE...women and men. I used to get a bit upset and uncomfortable when I thought she was being too friendly or the conversation went on a bit too long, but after 12 years together, I've learned that she is just a VERY VERY social person and I was thinking too much into it. I also realized that she actually talks to women way more than men (I just noticed the men at the time due to jealousy) and she comes home with me every night.

 

Also, she (and I) drink a LOT and we get pretty wasted at times (especially when we were younger) and she was a pretty sexual person in the past before me.

 

It means NOTHING. My first gf NEVER drank, had ONE sexual partner (long term bf who she was in love with) before me and she ended up cheating on me with some guy she claimed she didn't even like. It was because she was insecure and if any guy showed her any kind of attention, she was all over it because she just wasn't that used to it. My current wife is VERY attractive, very friendly, has guys hitting on her all the time and is confident enough to not give a ****. And I trust her completely.

[nofool4u]

This is a very tough one because it all depends on her personality type. Some girls are just naturally flirty, extroverts, social, etc. And it's completely harmless. My wife is what I just described. She talks to ANYONE...women and men.

 

Talking is not flirting. One can tell when someone is engaging in flirting. The way the person talks to the other, the type of eye contact, touching while talking, talking about things that signal attraction to the other party, etc.

 

 

It means NOTHING.

 

It means nothing in your wife's case because wife is simply sociable. There is a difference between being sociable and a flirt.

[supersixfive]

I just recently went through something like this exactly and ignored the red flags and got crapped on. My now ex was VERY flirty when drunk and after numerous talks toned down the drinking. Fast forward 3 months, she went to Vegas, got wasted and cheated on me. These people have a good amount of underlying issues, I wish I hadn't pressed on to discover all of them. Come to find after my relationship, she can't even count all the guys shes done stuff with with her fingers and toes.........cut and run man, I wish I had more knowledge and experience and would have had someone tell me this before it got to outright cheating and getting dumped. You sound like a good person and deserve so much more than this person is giving you. People like that are sick in the head and running from other issues, alcohol is a drug and shes using it to numb herself from what shes done. Think of it as a loan, you can pay off the loan now with a small interest payment, or prolong the entire thing for years and have huge payments. Alcoholics and people like this are just prolonging the inevitable crash, you should not have to be around for the trainwreck. Try not to let yourself take blame, other than the fact you were too nice, just like I was. Live and learn from this, the girl I met was from my church too!!! Something better is out there for you, let her cheat her way through life, we all have to answer for who we are and what we've done someday.