cindyj Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 Hello everyone, I need somebody's advise , in summary I entered a relationship with someone who was engaged and broke up with his fiancee 6 months before we got together, I thought it will be great , but it was full of problems some caused by his ex fiancee, others because of his actions sometimes , so we kept breaking up,I am the one who usually breaks up as he always did something that let me down strongly that I feel we can't continue together, we did that twice, each time he returns back with promises to change, then I gave him a last 3rd chance and trusted his words that he will fix many things and that we will have a new start, and we got engaged , but after engagement only 1 month and after a stupid argument HE broke up suddenly with me without even facing me, he called my family and informed them of his decision !! , I was shocked because he was begging me to return to him and how he felt his mistakes and wants to fix them, so how come suddenly he does this HARSH ending with no logic reason?, I even thought may be he was insisting to return back to me just to get back his lost ego by me breaking up , then after his gained his self esteem he dumped me ? Sometimes also I felt that may be I was a rebound relationship to get over his ex fiancee and that's why it ended so badly as most of rebounds ? knowing that our relation lasted for 1 year and 2 months .. But does rebounds involve many break ups and returns and finally engagement? anyway, the problem now is that I tried to get over the story and the pain of the shock , and had no contact with him at all, and he also disappeared from my life completely for 4 months now but suddenly now he is trying to show off again, but this time not as a good person like the previous break ups to gain me back, this time he is showing off as a complete jerk he created a new fb account , added hundereds of girls, mainly those female friends he cut off with when we were together, some of them are my co-workers , and also to my surprise adding many other people from my workplace who are not so close to him! he is showing off as a completely different foolish person, posting foolish status updates , overly funny photos of him, even his language with people is like a jerk and a womanizer.. I started even to notice that some girls here at my work who are very close to him are like avoiding me .. So why is he acting jerk? is he trying to annoy me and make people talk behind my back ? why he wants to show off to people like a player and a cool person in an overly manner? and why keeping contact with people at my workplace? I need your advise, and thanks for allowing me to share this with you Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 The key word is "EX". What you need to do is to completely rise above it, ignore it, make out that you are completely unaffected and be totally indifferent to it all. As the saying goes, "It's the one who cares the least, who controls the most." Let him be your Ex, and read the no contact guide in my signature. Adhere to it, live it breathe it, act out every word of it. "Fake it until you make it". Pretty soon, he will get tired of doing stuff like this, because it will have no effect... Delete everything, forget Facebook, and live your life. Take control of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 Situations like this just make me shake my head and I can't figure out who's the bigger fool, you or him... I mean you could have googled this months ago and a million other women in the exact situation could have told you how it would go down and it would be like a fortune tellers prediction coming true, this is so typical of a situation it's painfully boring to hear almost. Listen, a guy who is engaged to a woman then out of it for six months (so he bull*****s you and says) is not ready for a relationship? why in the world would you think that? does that not say anything about this guy? first red flag there. Next thing, promises promises and more promises, I mean really? really? this is the first guy in theworld you ever heard make promises under these conditions and fail miserably? just foolish as ever to believe this mans words And then now, you're still even entertained and curious to the BS that he's doing in his life, manipulating allthe chicken heads in your office to resent you? It's a miracle that someone so stupid can be so effective but it just goes to show how gullible the masses are. Try to muster up the courage, brain power and sense to cut this guy out of your life before he comes running back and pulls you in over the same bull****, at this point you're making yourself look ridiculous, his issues have obviously been going on for years, you're just the next foolish victim that keeps coming back....incredibly sad and mind boggling. Where do you get such low self value from? it's incredible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cindyj Posted June 12, 2012 Author Share Posted June 12, 2012 Ninjapajamas, I appreciate you want to sincerely give your advise, but I wonder why the tones is such offensive ? The person in the situation is different from the pesron seeing it from outside, I totally agree with you that may be I shouldn't have given second or third chance, but the fact is sometimes people do change, and sometimes they fullfill their promises , it does not need a miracle to happen , if they failed you then it is their problem not yours as being trustful when you felt how sincere their will is and when you saw good signs and actions confirming that at the start, and above all I beleive in second chances , they have worked for hundreds of relationships , they can even turn better if both partners have the will to work it out. To be more clear in my post above, I separated myself completely since we broke and completely closed this page from my life out of real self value (responding to your comment above) .My question is not regarding my ex bf as a person or to evaluate the relationship with him , My main concern is his attitude with people close to me and my co-workers , which is having an impact in my workplace and how people are dealing with me now .. He is the one who is adding people in my workplace and that's how I noticed his account and posts on their walls ..etc , so what he is showing to them as being a jerk, and their attitude with me is my concern now, not he as a person ..I need to understand what might be going in his mind to do such jerky actions and we have already broke up & how to react correctly towards people in common.. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 One of the most prominent dictums in any similar situation, is that trying to second-guess another person's actions in the fall-out, is futile, and completely frustrating, because it's impossible. The secret of handling such a situation effectively, is not to ask "why does he....??" The secret of handling such a situation effectively, is to ask - "What do I do with this?" For the answer to that, see my first post. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 Ninjapajamas, I appreciate you want to sincerely give your advise, but I wonder why the tones is such offensive ? The person in the situation is different from the pesron seeing it from outside, I totally agree with you that may be I shouldn't have given second or third chance, but the fact is sometimes people do change, and sometimes they fullfill their promises , it does not need a miracle to happen , if they failed you then it is their problem not yours as being trustful when you felt how sincere their will is and when you saw good signs and actions confirming that at the start, and above all I beleive in second chances , they have worked for hundreds of relationships , they can even turn better if both partners have the will to work it out. To be more clear in my post above, I separated myself completely since we broke and completely closed this page from my life out of real self value (responding to your comment above) .My question is not regarding my ex bf as a person or to evaluate the relationship with him , My main concern is his attitude with people close to me and my co-workers , which is having an impact in my workplace and how people are dealing with me now .. He is the one who is adding people in my workplace and that's how I noticed his account and posts on their walls ..etc , so what he is showing to them as being a jerk, and their attitude with me is my concern now, not he as a person ..I need to understand what might be going in his mind to do such jerky actions and we have already broke up & how to react correctly towards people in common.. The reason It seems offensive because it's so disappointing when women choose this route. And whatever delusions you have told yourself are extremely far from the truth, these situations never change, these people never change and If you think that then you're just looking from the outside in and believing the women that tell you that they do because they're hiding the truth. I have seen guys like him a million times, I've never seen a man change from that and i'm someone who is naturally aware of my surroundings and relationships, I have a huge amount of experience, so where you think you know that people can change I guess you're judging from people who have changed later in life after constant failures and struggles, but inside they still struggle, it's a constant battle what made you think this man could change now and so soon is beyond me, stick around the forums...and read the dating forum, you'll find many girls just like you and it's no coincidence, look around for the topics of men changing and you'll find none...it's always temporary at best. As far as how people treat you, I know most people don't understand this and get all caught in the drama but a wise person would not emotionally react and invest themselves in something so petty. the more you invest time and energy into these people the more ridiculous it makes you look. Let him do what he needs to do, let him make an ass out of himself, you don't have to join in on the party and fall for the trap he's sucking you into, affecting the world around him so you have to pay attention to him. You need to ignore it and remember that as long as you know yourself and the truth you don't have to justify to people in your work place, getting involved will just create more drama. Eventually people may ask you, just remain poised and indifferent to it, don't let people stir the pot on you by being emotionally gullable, stand your ground, scream into your pillow at home but don't let others see you affected and acting as immature as this guy is. If these people around you can't act like adults and you insist on acting like a bunch of teenagers then maybe you need to surround yourself by more professional people...it might do you some good to detach yourself from the circles you're in...it seems like they're all part of the same herd of drama. You already look silly enough for being played by this fool, don't let him get under your skin to force you back into a situation of interacting with him....which I can almost surely see you doing because If you forgave him 100 times that person usually will try and forgive 101. So its up to you to change and cut out the BS from your life, nobody controls you so don't let them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cindyj Posted June 12, 2012 Author Share Posted June 12, 2012 Thank you so much for your responses, it really helped in me having more clarification of the bigger picture Ninjainpijamas I do appreciate your last post, and how detailed and explainatory it is as it made your previous one much clearer to me , and I have to agree that you are right in your words regarding change and forgiveness especially when I am applying it to my history with this person, so that's right. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 Sounds like he is trying to upset you and make you jealous. Know how to remedy this? Hit the delete button on facebook. No more issues. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cindyj Posted June 12, 2012 Author Share Posted June 12, 2012 May be, but the question is why he would even do that , we already broke up and even he is the one who broke !! Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 The ego is quite an unpredictable thing. If you don't want to deal with it you can take action. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cindyj Posted June 12, 2012 Author Share Posted June 12, 2012 you mean his actions now are out of his ego? but what is the ego problem that he has , he is the one who broke up , so what is his problem with me exactly now ?! Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted June 12, 2012 Share Posted June 12, 2012 you mean his actions now are out of his ego? but what is the ego problem that he has , he is the one who broke up , so what is his problem with me exactly now ?! Why does it matter so much why he is doing what he is doing? If he is acting like a jerk and a womanizer and you don't want to hear it, just cut the cord. He might not even be directing it at you for all you know. There could be some other lady on his list that he is trying to annoy... or maybe he is just genuinely become an ass? The only thing you can control is whether or not you see it and give it your time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cindyj Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 Ok, will stop seeing it, what about my co-workers who are seeing it and even changed their way with me for no reason, I think your word should be directed to them too? Posting here doesn't mean I am watching or giving him from my time, as I replied to people above, I completely deleted such stuff from my whole life , he is the one who intruded into my time and my colleagues' time ! Of course thanks for your words, I appreciate your assistance , and sure ignorance as you said, even to my gossiping co-workers is the BEST thing, I agree Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Ok, will stop seeing it, what about my co-workers who are seeing it and even changed their way with me for no reason, I think your word should be directed to them too? sure. Get them to join and post here too. Or maybe just show them the thread. until then, they don't figure. YOU figure. The only thing - THE ONLY THING - that matters, is NOT what everyone else, inclusive, is thinking/saying/doing: The only thing that matters - THE ONLY THING - is what you are thinking/saying/and doing. you cannot control others. You may try to influence them, but in the end, the conclusions they come to, are their choice. what you DO have complete control and influence on, is what goes on between your ears. A thought is only a thought, and while it's still in your mind, you can change it. At will. Any time. Your choice. don't let your thoughts govern you. It should always be the other way round. Unquestionably, constantly and consistently. you - are in total charge of you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts