Need assistance building a positive relationship with MIL

[CarboniteCammy]

Hi,

 

The reason for my post is that I need assistance building a better relationship with my MIL.

 

First off, I really love and respect my husband, and that's the reason I care about having a relationship with the MIL. I don't want issues between her and me to fester and cause issues with me and my hubby. Plus, she raised him to be the man I married and that in and of itself deserves respect.

 

I also recognize that relationships are two way streets. I know that half of the issue is mine, and that's really the part that I want to work on. I realize that I can't control what she says or the way she thinks, but I can control what I say and how I react. I just need to figure out the best way to react appropriately to comments that I perceive as inflammatory. With that being said, the life choices that my husband and I have made do not exactly coincide with the way that she was raised, and I believe she has a hard time with that.

 

For example, my husband and I are 9 months pregnant right now (just basically waiting for the baby to come at this point) and we JUST very recently got married. We would have gotten married anyway, but due to familial pressure on both sides decided to move up the date.

 

I have not been feeling well lately. I'm tired often and am ready to just get this baby out. I don't really hang out with my friends and sometimes it's hard to even keep up with basic chores. With that being said, my MIL invited herself up to our house last night. She's lonley, because her husband is very busy at work, and she wanted company.

 

I honestly didn't want her to come, but it seemed that my husband wanted her to visit, so I said, "Sure, but let's go out to dinner." I just didn't feel like cooking and she had come during dinner time.

 

When she arrived, she proceeded to complain about how lonley she was (which is why she invited herself up in the first place) and how little she'd seen of her husband in the past two weeks, etc etc. Growing up in a household raised by a single mother who had no support from my father, it was a little hard to hear that she had basically invited herself over because her husband could only spend an hour or two a day with her, as opposed to what I assume to be his entire day.

 

I blurted out that my other mother had been alone basically since I was four and that at least he was making some time for her as he is dealing with a strike situation at work and is otherwise busy and stressed. Perhaps I was a bit too harsh with my, "Look on the bright side, woman!!!" attitude, and maybe I should have been less abrasive about it.

 

She rather got annoyed at my comment, as I suppose she was looking for sympathy, and proceeded to ignore me for the rest of the conversation until we took her out to dinner. While at dinner, she made a comment that had my husband and I not gotten married, she would have never thrown me a baby shower. While I realize that they are a very traditional family, I thought it was incredibly rude for her to say that at a dinner that she basically invited herself to, for which my husband and I were paying.

 

I told her it was a horrible thing to say and that I was glad my friends and family did not feel the way that she did. She seemed embarrassed that she had said anything, and my husband backed me up and also felt that her comment was rude.

 

Given that this is the type of personality with which I am dealing, does anyone have any suggestions on how I could have handled that situation better? Should I have just let it go? Previously, should I have just let her vent about only seeing her husband a few hours a day (that's all I see her son, because we both work and are otherwise engaged in hobbies and activities)?

[pink_sugar]

First of all, you have every right to be upset. She invited herself over despite your not feeling well and you went out to dinner with her AND payed for her. You didn't do anything other than say you didn't appreciate her comments, there's nothing wrong with that. She is out of line for crossing your boundaries and while I respect you want to try and get along with her, there's no reason you should have to put up with that. Maybe have a talk with your husband about how you feel and have him communicate this to her. That right now you're not even going out with friends because you're too exhausted and preparing for the baby and that she needs to at least call ahead of time and ask if it's a good time for her to come over. If she wants to have your company, she will also need to keep the ill comments to herself.

[CarboniteCammy]

:-) Thanks for your response, PinkSugar. Yes, I do think she was rude and I do feel like I had a right to be upset. She's done similar things before, this is just the first time my husband has stood up to her.

 

One time, before we got married, my husband and I were at her house and we were talking about wedding plans. My husband specifically said, "stop talking about it," and so I did. We were all in the same room in her kitchen. Rather then respecting what he said, she continued to pepper me with intrusive questions and unsure of how to react because my husband was not backing me up, I answered her.

 

Bear in mind, this was not at my house. This was at her house under her roof and she had just fed us dinner. I honestly felt like had I stood up to her, it would have been putting me in between a rock and a hard place. Well, my husband became furious at ME for answering her questions.

 

Afterwards, he realized his behavior was unacceptable and apologized to me and swore he'd back me up the next time she was inappropriate, which he did.

 

Part of me wonders if she enjoys putting me in bad situations to where I have to defend myself, and it's my desire to learn how to deflate such situations before I actually have to tell her she's over stepped a line. I think she expected my husband to take her side here, too, and I think she was surprised that he did not.

 

I do not want to be at odds with this woman. I realize that perhaps I am too plain spoken for her and that perhaps I come from a slightly more liberal background then what she would want for her son. I am not religious (and have not been since I was 16) and I subscribe to the vein of thought that people should live and let live and that judging people only alienates you from them.

 

My own mother is a Sunday school teacher at a Baptist church, and even still she has always supported me no matter what choices I've made in my life. She is always proud of me and honestly just wants my happiness, although she does prefer that things happen according to tradition.

[D-Lish]

I'd say to just let her vent when she's feeling lonely, acknowledge that she feels that way instead of minimizing it. That would be a good start to mending the relationship.

 

When it comes to her nasty comments- you're 100% right to address those comments on the spot like you did.

 

My ex MIL was an evil woman. My husband was terrified of her and I never stood up for myself because I felt it was his job to do so. I just stopped seeing his family. This broke down our marriage and eventually led to divorce.

She used to call the house 17 times a day and when we didn't answer she'd show up on our front porch and peer through our windows! It got to the point where my exH and I were spending holiday dinners apart because his mother wouldn't allow him to compromise and alternate where we ate dinner.

 

It's great your H will stand up to his mother, that will make this whole marriage easier when he's on your side! You're doing the right thing by confronting her bad behaviour. If she feels lonely once and a while- just acknowledge it and spend some time with her once and a while.

 

Good luck, and I'm sorry you are having to deal with this during your pregnancy!

[pink_sugar]

I really know what you mean. Despite my MIL not being a good mother to my husband, I've always tried really hard to get along with her. However, unfortunately some times it just won't happen. When it came to her treating my husband badly, my role was to defend and support him, not her. It's hard to have a good relationship with someone who treats their child like dirt. I felt wrong about her treating her husband, dogs, me and friends better than him. The only way I can help him now is to encourage him to stay away from that negativity. Even after she disowned him over her dog, controlled our wedding and freaked out over some facebook comments, I tried with her. I've given up now. Her and her husband were just too difficult to please. She is also very religious and says whatever she wants on facebook, but god forbid someone says something with opposing views. Keep the communication open with your husband and let him know that it's important to you that you get along with his mother and that means she will need to not overstep her boundaries.

 

I know what you mean D-Lish, I think part of the reason we don't get along with his mother and step-father is because I encouraged my husband to stand up to them, instead of taking it like he did for years. Part of it was that I didn't just take it. I felt like I ruined his relationship with them, but it's for his own emotional health and sanity that he not have to put up with their crap forever.

Edited June 12, 2012 by pink_sugar

[MuscleCarFan]

Thankfully, I love my mother-in-law (pink_sugar's mom). My mother, well... she's something else, so I keep my distance. >_>

[CarboniteCammy]

D-Lish, I totally agree with you. I was probably too hard on her and may even have made her feel unwelcome by my comment as I look back in hind sight.

 

I don't think that my MIL is a bad person in the sense that she is an actively destructive personality. She did raise my husband, and IMHO, my hubby is a pretty amazing dude with very strong moral fiber.

 

What she IS, however, is extremely sheltered with a judgmental streak about a mile wide, which makes it very difficult for me to really understand her reactions to people and things. She grew up in a very catholic, parents-together, multiple sibling, white-bread household. I grew up in a very broken home with one parent and one sibling.

 

Not that it matters, but my family on my mom's side is a huge hill-billy mess of narcotic abuse, interracial marriages that are typically abusive, and jail time. No one in my husband's family is like that. I guess that's why I really don't judge people. My mom is the one bastion of sanity in her family and I was lucky enough to get her as a parent.

 

Was she perfect. Oh hell no. But light years better then the alternative? Oh yeah.

 

I tend to believe that bad things can randomly happen to good people, that the decisions you make don't necessarily make YOU who you are as a person, and that good people also can make some very bad, bad decisions. My MIL tends to believe that if you are a good person, you'll have a good life.

 

Thus, she believes that people who are poor or have bad things happen to them are bad people. See? Very sheltered, IMHO. ;-) In reality, the MIL went from her mother's house to her husband's house and has (as far as I can tell) no experience trying to make it in the real world. She was lucky enough to find a husband who lives to please her, which is good, because she's very difficult to please.

 

Her husband once told me a story about why he doesn't buy her jewelry anymore, and most of it had to do with her being unsatisfied with what he bought her on a whim one day, and escalating to five trips to the jewelry store and $3,000.00 later and her still not being satisfied with the item.

 

So again, very different backgrounds having to mesh doesn't always equal rainbows and kittens.

 

I definitely think that I'll try to look at things more from her perspective, although I've never been a fan of whiney rich girls. But, she's a person, too, and deserves the same respect and consideration as anyone else, despite my personal bias.

[MuscleCarFan]

Her husband once told me a story about why he doesn't buy her jewelry anymore, and most of it had to do with her being unsatisfied with what he bought her on a whim one day, and escalating to five trips to the jewelry store and $3,000.00 later and her still not being satisfied with the item.

 

Wow. This man has the patience of a saint. I would not put with that sh*t at all!

[CarboniteCammy]

Well, my husband's dad is a really cool guy. His wife means the absolute world to him and honestly, his mom and dad totally live for each other.

 

MIL was actually a really good mom to DH, but yeah, she's very used to being spoiled and very used to getting her way. Like on Christmas and birthdays, she basically tells the boys what to get her and it's well known that she's a total bear to buy for.

 

I don't mean to make it sound like MIL has no decent qualities; she's very family oriented, keeps a wonderful house, and really dotes on her family. She and her husband created a very cohesive and tight family unit that you just don't see much, anymore, and their boys take family very seriously.

 

I don't want to be the thing that softens that bond, but she really has to get used to having another woman around that may not do things the way she does them and that may see the world in a completely different way.

[january2011]

Apologies if what comes next sounds harsh:

 

I can't tell if she knew that you were unwell, but since you wrote that your husband wanted her to come over, I think that it was between you and your husband and then between him and his mother. You could have excused yourself and said that you were unwell - but instead, you allowed yourself to be put upon, thus the resentment. In this case, I suspect that had you been honest with yourself and insisted on a raincheck, perhaps your husband would have backed you up and asked his mother not to come over. And therefore, there wouldn't be another red mark against your MIL.

 

However, from what you've posted, you don't like her. I'd even go so far as to say that you're showing contempt for her, what she stands for and the way she leads her life.

 

Until you change how you think of her into something more positive rather than referring to her as a "whiney rich girl" or that she, "was lucky enough to find a husband who lives to please her," I'm not sure that you can build a positive relationship.

 

As far as I can tell from your posts in this thread, your philosophy of live and let live and not judging don't seem to be translating into practice where your MIL is concerend. So, for what it's worth, I suggest that you focus on the areas that she can provide some positive input, where her presence is a help rather than a hindrance and accept that you may never have a positive relationship in the sense of being BFF, but rather a tolerable one where there's some modicum of respect for boundaries - supported and reinforced by both your husband and FIL.

 

Finally, good luck with the pregnancy - hope you have a safe and healthy delivery.

[CarboniteCammy]

I understand where you are coming from.

 

Actually, she did know I was unwell. I posted it on FB and she even made a comment about it when she came over. Maybe I should have just excused myself, rather then let myself get more frustrated with her.

 

I just thought, "Why drive all the way down her to spend time with us if all you're going to do is talk about how lonley you are? Isn't that the POINT of you coming down here and spending time with your son and me???" And yes, I agree I should have just let her vent.

 

It would have been much easier to deal with had she come in with a positive, "Oh, it's wonderful to see you two! How are you? I've missed you!" type attitude rather then a, "Woe is me, here are my problems, by the way how are things here," type attitude.

 

Plus, to be honest with you, I just didn't feel like spending my whole evening stuck in my bedroom waiting on her to leave. My husband is very sensitive where his mother is concerned.

 

1) it's his right to have over who he wishes at our house, especially if it is his mom 2) he's a bit of a stickler for social protocol, and his mom would have definitely thought I was being rude to just hide away from both of them and it would have cause more of a problem later.

 

Yes, I know that the family dynamic is a bit odd, but everyone has an odd family dynamic IMHO.

 

And I agree, I'm not very tolerant of her. I actually liked her quite a bit at first, but she's put me in enough situations where I've gotten in trouble because of what she's said or done to where now I feel I've learned my lesson about letting her get too close to me. And I admit...our backgrounds are VERY different and it is very hard for me to understand her mindset on things. I recognize this as a failing on my part and I know I shouldn't judge her just because of the way she lives her life.

 

I hope I haven't come accross that I don't see any of her merits. I think I've said in a few posts pretty much that same thing, that she has really good qualities that I do respect and admire and perhaps it's those things I need to focus on and learn from as opposed to just allowing myself to get bogged down by the things about her that I dislike.

 

I do feel that your advice of sticking to the positive things she can offer is probably the best advice I can take.

 

ETA- I really need to figure out a way to bite my tongue, so to speak. Maybe when I feel like saying something that would translate into me being frustrated, I can think of something nice to say and change the way that I handle myself...

 

Like, she says something negative that gets under my skin and I take a mental breath and mention something that's happened to her or to us that's happy and positive and try to steer the conversation to things that are good for everyone to talk about.

Edited June 13, 2012 by CarboniteCammy

[Laylah]

Maybe she's Has always been an attention seeker, and feel sorry for me. I really give you big props on the way you handled it. Pregnant or not. Due to you know how people blame the hormonal crap pregnant woman can get. You acted perfectly. So I'd keep up that strong side. Nothing wrong with saying the truth on how the obvious. Good luck. I keep you in my blessings!! ~<3

[RiverRunning]

I'd say to just let her vent when she's feeling lonely, acknowledge that she feels that way instead of minimizing it. That would be a good start to mending the relationship.

 

This, OP. You fired the initial bullet. I understand you were unhappy that she invited herself over, and that you were annoyed to hear her whining about loneliness, but minimizing anybody's pain has never led to a productive outcome. Imagine if - God forbid - you had a very rough delivery when your baby's born. Imagine you're telling your family about this and someone in the room fires off with, "Well at least YOU didn't have to deal with (x, y, z)."

 

It's embarrassing to be called out over something so silly and minor - you're just venting, after all - and of course you realize on a rational level that someone ALWAYS has it worse. When you call someone out like that, you're effectively saying to them, "Quit whining, cry baby."

 

D-Lish is right: the first step is in just murmuring falsehoods, even if they're something like, "Yeah, that's really rough. I hope his schedule adjusts soon," or something of the like.

 

The next time she says something about not throwing you a baby shower if you hadn't been married in, I think a cavalier smile along with a, "Well, I'm glad that my parents, family, friends and husband see it differently." Kill her with kindness.

 

I really think that by acting offended, you're giving her the ammunition she's probably looking for. Do your best to craft a sleek exterior that's not troubled by such comments.

 

Coming up with a list of generic phrases is the way to go. And make it a habit to start giving yourself 5 - 10 seconds after someone says something to really think critically about what you'll say in return. Instead of viewing firing off your own return remark at her as getting revenge, think of spending those 5 - 10 seconds as your 'revenge.' Your revenge is that she won't get to see you get flustered. But as a result of it, you'll get to see her face when she can't get under your skin.

[daisystar]

Hi - Your MIL doesn't even approach the world's worst MIL. The paternal grandma of my kids is currently charged with 5 federal indictments, and hopefully the whole family does not end up in prison because of her. It would be a long, long list if I told you every atrocious thing she has done and said in the last 13 years. Your dinner party doesn't rank on her list at all, and no, she didn't throw a baby shower for me - she told me that she was going to Flush My Baby Down the Toilet, and cackled about beating her kids, while I was in labor, to the total horror of all the nurses on duty.

 

I don't know how to get along with MILs, but I definitely know how to battle them. You are on the battle path - want some tips? It gets really hairy with kids. If you'd rather get along though, then tone it down, put the issues into perspective, and pretend that she's your best friend. If she is not actually hurting you or your kids, ignore it. Remember this, that you get MORE OF what you give. People who volunteer in their community feel far more loved, and have more friends, joy, and purpose, than those who don't. Unless she is a total nutcase, she will probably warm up to you if you warm up to her.

[todreaminblue]

Hi,

 

The reason for my post is that I need assistance building a better relationship with my MIL.

 

First off, I really love and respect my husband, and that's the reason I care about having a relationship with the MIL. I don't want issues between her and me to fester and cause issues with me and my hubby. Plus, she raised him to be the man I married and that in and of itself deserves respect.

 

I also recognize that relationships are two way streets. I know that half of the issue is mine, and that's really the part that I want to work on. I realize that I can't control what she says or the way she thinks, but I can control what I say and how I react. I just need to figure out the best way to react appropriately to comments that I perceive as inflammatory. With that being said, the life choices that my husband and I have made do not exactly coincide with the way that she was raised, and I believe she has a hard time with that.

 

For example, my husband and I are 9 months pregnant right now (just basically waiting for the baby to come at this point) and we JUST very recently got married. We would have gotten married anyway, but due to familial pressure on both sides decided to move up the date.

 

I have not been feeling well lately. I'm tired often and am ready to just get this baby out. I don't really hang out with my friends and sometimes it's hard to even keep up with basic chores. With that being said, my MIL invited herself up to our house last night. She's lonley, because her husband is very busy at work, and she wanted company.

 

I honestly didn't want her to come, but it seemed that my husband wanted her to visit, so I said, "Sure, but let's go out to dinner." I just didn't feel like cooking and she had come during dinner time.

 

When she arrived, she proceeded to complain about how lonley she was (which is why she invited herself up in the first place) and how little she'd seen of her husband in the past two weeks, etc etc. Growing up in a household raised by a single mother who had no support from my father, it was a little hard to hear that she had basically invited herself over because her husband could only spend an hour or two a day with her, as opposed to what I assume to be his entire day.

 

I blurted out that my other mother had been alone basically since I was four and that at least he was making some time for her as he is dealing with a strike situation at work and is otherwise busy and stressed. Perhaps I was a bit too harsh with my, "Look on the bright side, woman!!!" attitude, and maybe I should have been less abrasive about it.

 

She rather got annoyed at my comment, as I suppose she was looking for sympathy, and proceeded to ignore me for the rest of the conversation until we took her out to dinner. While at dinner, she made a comment that had my husband and I not gotten married, she would have never thrown me a baby shower. While I realize that they are a very traditional family, I thought it was incredibly rude for her to say that at a dinner that she basically invited herself to, for which my husband and I were paying.

 

I told her it was a horrible thing to say and that I was glad my friends and family did not feel the way that she did. She seemed embarrassed that she had said anything, and my husband backed me up and also felt that her comment was rude.

 

Given that this is the type of personality with which I am dealing, does anyone have any suggestions on how I could have handled that situation better? Should I have just let it go? Previously, should I have just let her vent about only seeing her husband a few hours a day (that's all I see her son, because we both work and are otherwise engaged in hobbies and activities)?

 

 

I had an extremely good relationship with my exes mother.....i miss her.....and talk to her still not as much because my ex is now with someone else....and it is a little awkward now....we had good times though......she was wisdom personified with a sense of humor........you are tired and probably not willing to put up with anything at the moment.....which is understandable.....when the baby is born you will have a willing ear to talk about how beautiful your baby and her grandchild is....things will shift....you will see..to build a relationship with anyone you use your common passions and or interests.....you both will have a bundle of joy to share......i am am a mother in law in waiting i have two children with relationships that involve children....so i am also a grandmother and i also have good relationships with my childrens partners.....we all have common interests.....first one that joins us is my grandchildren.... and i will never get tired of talking about them with my future in laws....sharing worries with them or hopes and wishes for the future...........what i think helps in law relationships is a sense of humour for sure honesty and if you do have gripes you talk it out with them alone and never in front of someone else including the other half......imho i think it really helps it shows respect and more so discretion......good luck best wishes.....deb

Edited July 2, 2012 by todreaminblue