Close male friend suddenly pulls away ...

[Arabella]

My fiance and I recently broke up. It was a long time coming, and it took me a long time to finally end it, because he kept asking for chances to repair what was wrong with the relationship, and I was too weak to walk away.

 

I told him so many times that I wanted to end it, but h would not listen and since we lived together, it was very difficult. It came to the point where I dreaded going home because my ex would be there just wanting to talk, spend time together, or whatever, thinking that it would make things better. I asked for space, but was given none.

 

After about six months of this, a male mutual friend of ours learned of my situation and began trying to help me. He listened, he always gave good advice, and was there for me to hang out with when I couldn't be in the house because my ex was driving me insane.

 

Nothing physical ever happened, and there was no inappropriate emotional attachment. However, my ex became jealous (even though this guy was his friend too!) and tightened his grip on me even more, which caused me to end up hanging out with our friend.

 

Eventually, with my friend's support, I found the strength to get my ex to move out and truly end it. My friend and I became closer... we were hanging out 2-3 times a week. Some sexual tension developed (as I was now single) and we discussed it, but agreed that it was normal as a male/female friendship, and neither of us was interested in dating the other.

 

We had a few arguments about stupid little things but I thought we discussed them and we were fine. We even went on a trip together for Memorial Weekend (still completely platonic) and had a lot of fun.

 

However, a week after we got back from the trip, he ended up staying at my place two nights. We just cuddled... but there was a distinct sexual tension. The day after this, he became distant and eventually told me that we were spending too much time together, and that our friendship was stressing him and we needed to see each other less, that it felt different than before (no kidding...), and we didn't really get along.... then he left, and we haven't spoken since. This was three days ago.

 

I'm not sure what to make of this situation. I care very much for this guy. He has been my rock. What caused this sudden reaction? I don't want to ask him to talk about it further as I want to give him space as he requested.

 

Any insights?

 

-A

Edited June 12, 2012 by Arabella

[Lil1]

He got tired of being your 'emotional tampon'. Leave him be. Establish healthier friendships.

[Arabella]

My emotional tampon? That part of our friendship ended a long time ago. The drama with my ex may have been what brought us together, but once that ended, we became pretty close and did lots of fun things together, confided in each other, etc.

[spiderowl]

Maybe he feels you are attracted to him and for him the friendship has changed and he doesn't want more.

 

Maybe he is attracted to you and thinks you don't want more and this is becoming too stressful for him.

 

I think only you know whether he has made any 'advances' or not and what you did about it when he did. If you were the one that put him off, then he's probably finding it too much of a strain being close to you when you don't appear to want him that way. If he never made any advances and you are pretty sure he's not physically attracted to you, then something else is going on. Maybe he's gay or something.

 

I think you have the answer if you are honest with yourself.

[Arabella]

Oh no... we are very much attracted to each other. Physical closeness kept developing slowly but surely after I became single. People even gave us a hard time about our "non-dating" and suggested that we were having sex. At one point, we even joked that we should have sex if we were going to get blamed for it anyways.

 

I think, in time, we may have become involved to some degree... but I don't think it would have worked out, nor do I think he wanted a relationship. We were just physically attracted to each other.

 

Not sure what happened, or why he suddenly pulled away when everything seemed to be going well. I am supposed to be seeing him in a couple of days to return some things to him. Should I ask him whether he'd like to discuss things, or maybe leave it alone and see how he feels in a week or two?

[carhill]

Some quotes from the OP:

 

Some sexual tension developed (as I was now single) and we discussed it, but agreed that it was normal as a male/female friendship, and neither of us was interested in dating the other.

 

We had a few arguments about stupid little things but I thought we discussed them and we were fine.

 

The day after this, he became distant and eventually told me that we were spending too much time together, and that our friendship was stressing him and we needed to see each other less, that it felt different than before (no kidding...), and we didn't really get along.... then he left, and we haven't spoken since.

 

Where did the excellent communication go? My response would have been to ask him 'why do you feel that way?' and take it from there, accepting the responses as authentic. After all, it appears from your posting that you and he had a healthy friendship prior.

 

When was the last time he had a girlfriend/lover/spouse?

[Arabella]

Carhill,

 

He did explain his reasons... that we spent too much time together, that he didn't like having to explain himself when I got upset (he made a couple of VERY rude comments that upset me and he tried to smooth things over), and that he felt he wasn't getting enough sleep (which is true for both of us, really). We spent 2 hours discussing this, and that's all I could gather. He was trying hard to make a good case as to why we don't get along, but it worked pretty darn well for months...?

 

I got the vibe that he didn't like the relationship-like dynamic we were developing. However, this is the same guy that would OFFER to come to my place to do typically male things (fix things), or would put his arm around me in pictures, and pay for our dates in many occasions. Mixed signals.

 

The last time he was in a relationship was 5 years ago. He became involved with a girl 2 years ago when he was traveling overseas, but the distance killed that. He hasn't been with anyone since. He's told me many times I'm the closest "friend girl" he has ever had.

[carhill]

I got the vibe that he didn't like the relationship-like dynamic we were developing

 

I find this to be an interesting observation. My experience has been, both with friendships and relationships, that people have 'stages' of intimate involvement and react emotionally to this process, sometimes linearly and sometimes in marked and discretely disproportionate ways. I've seen this process with both platonic male and female friends as well as female lovers. Some flow straight through; some give me 'WTF?' moments like they become a different person; some hit a wall and take off. I guess it's part of personal emotional style.

 

That he hasn't been intimate with anyone emotionally, meaning romantically, in two years may be a canary, not so much as to his health, but rather as to this being confusing to you. You haven't seen him this way because you haven't seen him this way before. OTOH, he assisted you during a very painful time in your life and experienced your levels of intimate emotional responses.

 

Perhaps I'm missing some parts but IME this observation has had a lot of traction in my life so I offer it for consideration.

[Arabella]

I've known him for almost a year, and we have been close friends for about 4 months. Of this time, two I was dealing with my ex... but that's been over for two months. That's when things kind of moved along between us.

 

In an interesting turn of events, I saw him today. I was jumped at the train station on my way to my car, and my arm was hurt... didn't trust myself driving. I wanted to avoid a trip to the ER for such minor injury. He lives down the street and was expecting me (again, drop off some stuff), so I called him. He drove my car home and made sure I was okay.

 

He was nice, attentive and concerned. He seemed happy enough. Told me to call him if I need anything, including a ride to the hospital. Offered to go hunt down the guy who did it (as if that would make me feel better). His friend was waiting for him outside though, so I said thanks and told him to go home.

 

I do get the impression that he is a very emotionally withdrawn person. He himself admits that he does have emotions, but does not show them. He's always calm and collected. Rarely seems excited, passionate, or angry. That's what made him so capable of helping me before.

 

At this point I'm not entirely sure how to approach the situation. I may contact him in a few days, and see if he wants to talk. I just feel like anything I do right now may make him feel crowded. Should I just not contact him at all again and hope he reaches out to me?

[carhill]

I'd wait for a follow-up on your arm. That sounds like his style. See how it goes.

 

Obviously, if his emotional style is markedly different than your own, you're going to run into similar situations in the future. It's entirely possible that he started 'feeling' something that got out of its box and he disconnected to reinsert it and regain composure, which he showed when you were assaulted (sorry to read that!) and subsequent.

 

I've had this same kind of experience with women, including my now exW. I liken it to breaking the sound barrier. There's all this buffeting and then suddenly it gets smooth and quiet. Of course, depending on the aircraft, that could mean one is dead

 

My bet is he will call and, if so, let the conversation flow. See where it goes.

[whichwayisup]

a male mutual friend of ours

 

This is why he has distanced himself from you. He likes you, is attracted to you. Don't doubt that.

 

He is a friend of your ex's too and he's allowed himself to develop some feelings for you, he got too close and doesn't want to take things to the next level. Maybe he has other reasons too but I think he just cant' cope with making moves on his friends ex. Male code here. Plus he just seems to be not wanting any relationship.

 

He was honest with you, so that's a good thing.

 

I would back off and not rely on him for much and not contact him. Let him call you and if he wants to see you, he will make arrangements. Don't chase after someone who doesn't want to be chased.

[Trimmer]

He is a friend of your ex's too and he's allowed himself to develop some feelings for you, he got too close and doesn't want to take things to the next level. Maybe he has other reasons too but I think he just cant' cope with making moves on his friends ex. Male code here.

I hear what you are saying, but I'm not so sure how strong that "code" is in this case. Remember, he was her support when her relationship with her fiancee was tanking. He helped her to have the strength to end it. Even if her departure was appropriate and worthy, I don't think the "male code" would have allowed him to be a primary facilitator of the dismantling of his male friend's relationship. So I'm not so sure how strong an attachment to the male code he's got.

 

He was honest with you, so that's a good thing.

We assume that, but I wonder. I think he may be in a pretty confused position here, and I don't know if we can count on him being completely honest...

 

I'm interested in all this sexual tension that has been around.

Some sexual tension developed (as I was now single) and we discussed it, but agreed that it was normal as a male/female friendship, and neither of us was interested in dating the other.

You "agreed" on this, but was the discussion a completely balanced one between you? Did you both start out with the same position, "we don't want to do this?" Or was it more one sided, where one person felt more strongly, and the other compromised, say, to save the friendship?

 

Are you sure he's being honest about that? It seems like in "platonic" male/female relationships, the woman is more likely the one to want to "be friends" and the guy is more likely to want to bump uglies, but is willing to keep it under wraps and take what he can get.

 

However, a week after we got back from the trip, he ended up staying at my place two nights. We just cuddled... but there was a distinct sexual tension.

I think there's a possibility in all of this that you are driving him nuts. Maybe he wants you (how many guys have built up "sexual tension" and then were just OK with being talked out of it?) but he perceives that you don't so he has been swallowing it down and ignoring his desire.

 

And over time, that's driving him nuts (which is consistent with the scenario that "just cuddling" would lead to sexual tension, isn't it?) And so he has to decide: bare his soul to you and ask to take it further, or back off so as not to go crazy.

 

And he's not exactly the bare-his-soul kind of guy, is he?

[Arabella]

It's entirely possible that he started 'feeling' something that got out of its box and he disconnected to reinsert it and regain composure, which he showed when you were assaulted (sorry to read that!) and subsequent.

 

I kinda got the feeling that after he stayed over at my place two nights, he realized we were falling in a relationship-like dynamic. We were seeing each other several times a week, he was fixing stuff around the house for me, and I heavily depended on him emotionally. Though these are all things he promoted at one point... it might've bothered him now that I'm single?

 

He is a friend of your ex's too and he's allowed himself to develop some feelings for you, he got too close and doesn't want to take things to the next level. Maybe he has other reasons too but I think he just cant' cope with making moves on his friends ex. Male code here. Plus he just seems to be not wanting any relationship.

 

We were all part of the same group of friends from college... but he and my ex were not close. Though he stated many times that he liked him, he also said that he did not think much of him as a man. He knew my ex started to hate him the moment we became close (gave me hell for it constantly!) and he calmly stated that if my ex had problems with him, he should bring up his issues with him. I agree with Trimmer that male code is probably not a consideration.

 

You "agreed" on this, but was the discussion a completely balanced one between you? Did you both start out with the same position, "we don't want to do this?" Or was it more one sided, where one person felt more strongly, and the other compromised, say, to save the friendship?

 

One day, talking to another friend of mine about my situation, I began to question things with this guy. So, I sat him down and I point-blank asked him if he had, or had ever had, any romantic interest in me. He paused for a moment and answered "not really". I thought that was the end of it.

 

Literally the day after this, my ex started giving me hell because he thought my friend and I were sleeping together (ex and I still talked for a little while... mostly him trying to get me back). I sent an irritated text to my male friend, where I flat-out asked him if he wanted to have sex, because if we were going to get blamed for it, we might as well. He knew I was joking, but he still answered that he was up for it anytime I was... but that he thought I wasn't that kind of person (I don't do casual sex...). Note that we always had a very open, honest friendship, and my saying something that blunt (to him or anyone else) wasn't really uncharacteristic.

 

As per usual, once attraction gets acknowledged and is mutual, tension gets worse. And it did... we started getting physically close, touching each other more, etc. The two nights he stayed over at my place, we cuddled in the couch together, then it got late so we went to bed and he rubbed my stomach. He clearly wanted more. However, because he knows how I feel about uncommitted sex, he probably wasn't sure if I wanted it and did not push it. Let me be clear: I did want it, but was struggling with myself...see below.

 

Are you sure he's being honest about that? It seems like in "platonic" male/female relationships, the woman is more likely the one to want to "be friends" and the guy is more likely to want to bump uglies, but is willing to keep it under wraps and take what he can get.

 

Oh, this stopped being purely platonic a few weeks ago, as you see above. He has stated plainly that he doesn't want to date me. I don't really want to date him either (I don't think it would work long-term). Nevertheless, the tension is still there.

 

I struggled because I wanted him physically, but I've never had sex with a man who I was not committed to. He knows how I feel about it. I was in the process of resolving these conflicting feelings when he flipped out on me last week.

 

In fact, if he had pushed for it, I would probably have given in... but I think I would've regretted it, seeing the reaction he had to the increasing closeness.

 

This morning, I woke up to find an email he sent me last night, trying to be cute about last night's events...

 

http://graphjam.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/funny-graphs-self-defense-steps-for-women.jpg

 

I responded briefly, telling him that it was cute but particularly hilarious because it was coming from Mr Commitmentphobe himself.

 

*Shrug*

 

Not really sure what to think at this point.

[Glass Bead]

Well, I'd say he just discovered that he has limits. Like you mentioned afterwards, things were developing and he's trying to figure it out for himself what it means.

 

Keep giving him distance. He'll be back eventually and at this stage, you might have to switch your role as well and become the rock now.

[Arabella]

Keep giving him distance. He'll be back eventually and at this stage, you might have to switch your role as well and become the rock now.

 

I'm perfectly willing to do this. I've always been. I just don't think he wants me to be... he is one of those strong-and-silent types who never show emotional vulnerability.

[ahmedelsaka]

he probably thought that you were useing him as a tampon when you were sad, tell him tat you like him and only him, and that you enjoyed him more and explain why it was hard at first, he will appreciate it

[Arabella]

He knows I think the world of him and care very much. If anything, perhaps that's what scared him off... all this talk of needing more time to himself, seeing me too much, etc doesn't sound like him being insecure of how much I value him?

[Glass Bead]

He knows I think the world of him and care very much. If anything, perhaps that's what scared him off... all this talk of needing more time to himself, seeing me too much, etc doesn't sound like him being insecure of how much I value him?

 

Your care/attention towards him is not the issue here. The issue is really that the relationship started geting into his skin, specially with those nights together, when he thought that he was in control of his emotions. More likely he started thinking that the whole interaction was harmless/innocent until he got surprised.

 

It is not a matter of anyone being more responsible - it's more like he's feeling out of balance and needs to stabilize, even if he doesn't show it. Fear is also a factor - "He's told me many times I'm the closest "friend girl" he has ever had." - all of a sudden this has changed.

 

Let him get his bearings back on track before trying anything. But at the same time, and no matter how good certain intimate moments were, you may have to abdicate from them if you want to keep the friendship. Sometimes it's really a matter of having some ground rules - I for instance never cuddle with my best female friend even though we discuss and talk about everything, including a few times in the past about being hooked. I kinda learned that it tends to spike up my emotions.

[mtber75]

Oh no... we are very much attracted to each other. Physical closeness kept developing slowly but surely after I became single. People even gave us a hard time about our "non-dating" and suggested that we were having sex. At one point, we even joked that we should have sex if we were going to get blamed for it anyways.

 

I think, in time, we may have become involved to some degree... but I don't think it would have worked out, nor do I think he wanted a relationship. We were just physically attracted to each other.

 

Not sure what happened, or why he suddenly pulled away when everything seemed to be going well. I am supposed to be seeing him in a couple of days to return some things to him. Should I ask him whether he'd like to discuss things, or maybe leave it alone and see how he feels in a week or two?

 

No heterosexual single male will be just friends and be physically attracted to that female, especially if there is a mutual attraction involved...IMHO.

 

He backed off because he can't handle the pressure of being with you and being attracted to you at the same time. Also the fact that you got out of a long term relationship may have freaked him out because he don't want to be seen as taking advantage of a emotionally vulnerable female. Yes, you should discuss this issue with him after a week or so.

[Arabella]

Well, here is an update to this situation.

 

After all, it seemed to be just him needing some space to himself. We've hung out several times since then and he practically told me he kinda wanted to just pretend that had never happened. So, we haven't really discussed it, and we've kept hanging out, but less than before (so as to avoid crowding him).

 

The sexual tension between us has become kind of ridiculous.... It's been openly acknowledged and we even joke about it. We were supposed to be hanging out this Saturday, and then I just told him that we should stop playing around and he should spend the night. He got the hint and was fully on board with it.

 

So I guess we are going to become lovers. I still don't think either of us wants a relationship with each other. Time will tell what becomes of this. Will post an update later on...

 

-A

[Trimmer]

...he practically told me he kinda wanted to just pretend that had never happened. So, we haven't really discussed it...

Now, that's a good practice for most anything that comes up in a relationship...

[Arabella]

Trimmer: At the time it was discussed for over a couple of hours. Good practice? No, obviously not... but I'm not sure how much more there was to discuss. I think he just didn't want to rehash the negative feelings of that evening and move on...

[Arabella]

Update:

 

Things dragged out a couple more weeks since the last update. Tension kept rising but somehow it never seemed to materialize.

 

I brought it up to him and he told me that he had been considering whether we could date and he reached the conclusion that it was not what he wanted, so he kept holding back because he thought intimacy would lead to a real relationship. I quickly dispelled these fears, and stated that I did not see him that way at all (which is true).

 

Once we realized what each other's intentions were, everything was clear and we just ... let loose. He has stayed over a few nights since then.

 

In the mean time, I've been talking to my ex. I hang out with him about once a week (no intimacy) and we might be on the path to reconciliation.

 

My lover is fully aware of this and we even discuss the topic. The whole thing seems incredibly rational. He seems to be perfectly okay with the possibility that I may get back together with my ex. We are both very aware that this is a transitory situation that is eventually going to end and we are okay with it. We agreed to be exclusive with each other for however long it lasts.

 

I've never been in a situation like this, but so far I feel nothing for this guy in a romantic sense. I hope it stays this way for both of us.

 

So, I'll update later on if anything changes....

 

-A

[Kamila]

Update:

My lover is fully aware of this and we even discuss the topic. The whole thing seems incredibly rational. He seems to be perfectly okay with the possibility that I may get back together with my ex. We are both very aware that this is a transitory situation that is eventually going to end and we are okay with it. We agreed to be exclusive with each other for however long it lasts.

 

-A

 

He's okay that you may go back to your ex ?

 

Don't you think he isn't really realising that you're gonna leave him for your ex ? Isn't that like playing with fire... ?

[Arabella]

He's okay that you may go back to your ex ?

 

Don't you think he isn't really realising that you're gonna leave him for your ex ? Isn't that like playing with fire... ?

 

I don't think so? He seems to know what he wants and has an iron grip on his emotions... Regardless of whether I go back with my ex or start dating someone else, he knows we're going to end. He's still my friend... we've been very open with each other.

 

Does this sound like a properly functioning FWB arrangement or a disaster about to happen? I can't quite tell....

 

-A