ten ways to recognize emotionally manipulative friends

[writergal]

I was thinking of my own experiences with manipulative friends when I came across this list, and thought I would share it here.

 

Ten Ways to Recognize Emotional Manipulators Also with permission from Dr. Jim Fogarty

 

 

1.Emotional manipulators often begin by being charming, but they are never really accessible.

 

2. Too early in the relationship, your every need seems to be filled.

 

3.They lie by exaggeration, distorting the truth & by omission.

 

4.You notice that you end up apologizing a lot!

 

5.The manipulator persuades you to do things you would not normally do.

 

6.You constantly have second class status & your opinion is never really good enough.

 

7. The manipulator has huge reactions that are way too big over small irritations.

 

8. Manipulators promise a lovely future that never materializes.

 

9. The manipulator is successful when they give only vague indications that something is bothering them & you jump to fix it for them.

 

10.Problems are never the manipulators fault, they never take responsibility & are always quick to blame you."

[WordvAction]

You should change this title from friends to persons. You're describing my ex almost perfectly

[writergal]

You should change this title from friends to persons. You're describing my ex almost perfectly

 

Word. Sorry to hear you had an ex like that.

[carhill]

They're always so friendly on the phone when they want something....

[writergal]

They're always so friendly on the phone when they want something....

 

So true, isn't it?

[SpiralOut]

They ask questions that may seem strange, but are still innocent seeming enough there's no reason to get offended.

 

When you look back on it later, you can't think of any real reason for why they would want to know that. You feel as though they are trying to figure something out about you.

[writergal]

Yep. And also when they offer to be your sounding board when you barely know them. Usually what happens is you naively open up to the person with your problems, etc. with the false promise that they won't blab to anyone else (which they do immediately). And you ask them the normal questions to try to get to know them but they have very closed boundaries and tell you nothing personal about their lives, only to provide very vague details. I'm immediately suspicious of really extroverted people who are like that because hidden behind their veneer of charm is a very manipulative personality.

[SpiralOut]

Yep. And also when they offer to be your sounding board when you barely know them. Usually what happens is you naively open up to the person with your problems, etc. with the false promise that they won't blab to anyone else (which they do immediately). And you ask them the normal questions to try to get to know them but they have very closed boundaries and tell you nothing personal about their lives, only to provide very vague details. I'm immediately suspicious of really extroverted people who are like that because hidden behind their veneer of charm is a very manipulative personality.

 

Yes. Or they may tell you personal things about themselves, but only what they decide they want you to hear. For example, telling certain stories that they feel makes them look good. Or they could tell you things that seem personal, woe-is-me please feel bad for me, when you didn't even ask and it had nothing to do with the conversation. Then immediately afterwards they will ask you a private question about yourself, basically, making you think they opened up to you so now its your turn to open up to them. You may discover later on that they share these "personal" details about themselves with others they befriend. In fact now that you think of it, they didn't sound very upset when they told you about it. Not in a genuine way, anyway.

[writergal]

Yes. Or they may tell you personal things about themselves, but only what they decide they want you to hear. For example, telling certain stories that they feel makes them look good. Or they could tell you things that seem personal, woe-is-me please feel bad for me, when you didn't even ask and it had nothing to do with the conversation. Then immediately afterwards they will ask you a private question about yourself, basically, making you think they opened up to you so now its your turn to open up to them. You may discover later on that they share these "personal" details about themselves with others they befriend. In fact now that you think of it, they didn't sound very upset when they told you about it. Not in a genuine way, anyway.

 

Ugh. That's the worst when you overhear or see them spouting the same well-rehearsed monologue to someone else that makes you question their motives. Like, is this how they reel everyone in?

 

In many ways my close-knit African drum group was like a hybrid of Survivor and The Real World at times with its high stakes drama, action, gossip, betrayal, alliances and strategies. There was one gal who was the self-appointed Queen Social Bee, who all the men including our instructor fawned over, while it was glaringly obvious to the rest of us gals (and some guys) what her M.O. was.

 

She drew you in with her scripted story, and committed every # on the list above during her time with my African drum group. She was like a really amped up version of a 21st century Scarlett O'Hara on steroids. She broke up relationships and ruined friendships with her lies, and when confronted, lied about lying. When I was in the hospital recovering from my horrible bike accident she was the only person who refused to come and visit me from the group - my group visited me twice a week with their drums, and drummed for me in my hospital room - because she told the group they were giving me too much attention. Then when I was released from the hospital she did some pretty terrible things to me within the group after that, but I stayed despite it. She acted very conniving, charming, manipulative, and very passive-aggressive. She would have given the Alien in Alien a run for its money the way she operated.

 

She caused a lot of drama while in the group. When she left, there was an audible sigh of relief among everyone who stayed.

Edited June 15, 2012 by writergal

[SpiralOut]

First of all, I think that is awesome you are part of a drum group. I didn't realize there was such a thing but it sounds like fun.

 

Funny that you mention she refused to visit you. The manipulative person I know refused to sign a get-well card for someone because she was mad at him still, for something that happened a month ago that he apologized for. She made a big deal about it too and bragged about being mean and revelled in the attention. It made me feel sick to see people react to her thinking she is just so darn funny. Anyway, reason I mention it is because both things are petty. Somethings not right when someone has no shame in being petty.

 

Oh and yes it disgusts me to watch the person tell their sad story to someone else. I think it's sick.

 

Sorry you had to go through that. Some people need to look in the mirror but probably never will.

 

I'm glad you started this thread. It feels cathartic to do something good with a bad experience and let other people know what to watch out for.

[writergal]

First of all, I think that is awesome you are part of a drum group. I didn't realize there was such a thing but it sounds like fun.

 

Funny that you mention she refused to visit you. The manipulative person I know refused to sign a get-well card for someone because she was mad at him still, for something that happened a month ago that he apologized for. She made a big deal about it too and bragged about being mean and revelled in the attention. It made me feel sick to see people react to her thinking she is just so darn funny. Anyway, reason I mention it is because both things are petty. Somethings not right when someone has no shame in being petty.

 

Oh and yes it disgusts me to watch the person tell their sad story to someone else. I think it's sick.

 

Sorry you had to go through that. Some people need to look in the mirror but probably never will.

 

I'm glad you started this thread. It feels cathartic to do something good with a bad experience and let other people know what to watch out for.

 

Yeah she is (and will always be) awful. lol. Yikes, the manipulative person you describe sounds just as awful. She does sound like a very petty person and I agree with you that being petty is not a very attractive quality in a person. But yet popular people's negative traits often get ignored or purposefully overlooked because the people swirling around their gravitational pull either are blinded by the popular person's charm, or they are so insecure that they are afraid to pull away, for fear of being shunned by the popular person who is often the leader of the social pack, who would follow that person's lead to shun the insecure whistleblower.

 

Yeah, for a good length of time my drum group was a tight knit circle who gigged all over my city and made $ doing it. Was so great. Now it's just a few of us regulars with new members. The group's number of members ebbs and flows based on changes in people's lives I guess.

 

It is a lot of fun and I love hand percussion.

 

Yeah, I started this thread because I hoped others who experience what I have would pitch in with their own stories. Thanks for sharing yours, SpiralOut!

[Eddie Edirol]

This list should be a sticky, good find WritersGal.

 

 

They're always so friendly on the phone when they want something....

 

Oh man, they only call you when they want something, but when they do call, they ask a nonsense question about you first so you cant say they only call when they want something. I have one guy that I always cut off when he does this.

 

Him: "Hey how ya doing? So hows the job hunting?"

Me: "Ok, I know you need something, lets get to it already..."

Him "Cmon, its not like that, what're you talkin about?"

Me: "Yes its like that, what do you need, spit it out already?"

 

9. The manipulator is successful when they give only vague indications that something is bothering them & you jump to fix it for them.

 

From my experience, I've only seen women do this. I love it when they do, I never take the bait. Its fun watching them trying to hint their way into you asking them about their problem, so they dont risk rejection. If anyone knows men that do this, I'd love to hear about it. I might not recognize if men do it.

 

10.Problems are never the manipulators fault, they never take responsibility & are always quick to blame you."

 

My brother does #10, and its how my gf tries to cover up her lies. Ugh.

Edited June 15, 2012 by Eddie Edirol

[lovely81]

I used to have a lot of problems with these types, too, and then I began to look at my own behavior and really examine what I was doing to encourage them in my life. While the stage of learning to identify them was helpful, eventually to make it end (um, or at least start to..I'm not in the clear yet) , I had to understand me better. What did I get out of being an open ear to their drama...why was I constantly trying to warn others about them/being envious of the attention they attracted. Eventually I realized I was attracting them into my life and facilitating their behavior because I didn't really have enough confidence in or comfort with myself. To stop bringing in manipulators, you cannot welcome manipulation (e.g. visits from people you don't even like). The second you're invested in the game, you are doomed to lose...

Interestingly, I am also increasingly able to see many many situations where I behaved in "manipulator" fashion. Eek!

[writergal]

.[/b] Eventually I realized I was attracting them into my life and facilitating their behavior because I didn't really have enough confidence in or comfort with myself. To stop bringing in manipulators, you cannot welcome manipulation (e.g. visits from people you don't even like). The second you're invested in the game, you are doomed to lose...

Interestingly, I am also increasingly able to see many many situations where I behaved in "manipulator" fashion. Eek!

 

Setting healthy boundaries can be a real challenge sometimes with manipulative people because they say one thing but do another and they have absolutely no sense of accountability and refuse to take responsibility for their actions, because it's always someone else's fault, never theirs.

 

If a manipulative person senses that you have weak emotional or intellectual boundaries then they pursue your friendship/relationship because they want to exert control. I know that I tend to have weak emotional boundaries with people because I can be such a caretaker.

 

Believe me, I don't welcome manipulation. The manipulator-victim is such a dance of enmeshment. Both people are equally responsible for the dysfunctional connection.

 

The reason I brought up that gal from my African drum group is because she really wreaked havoc on the stability of the group's interpersonal dynamics with her manipulative behavior - and she hasn't changed and never will. It's who she is. Now, I didn't welcome her manipulative behavior when I was released from the hospital after my terrible accident. In fact, I tried to avoid her like the plague outside of the drum group. My first time back in the group I unfortunately had to sit next to her because it was the only seat available. Not even five minutes into our first song, she sneered, "she's baaaack." Later I went with a few gals and her to a video store to get a couple of movies for another drummer's dinner/house party. Well, I was standing alone looking at movies and she came over with another gal, waiving around movies about women with head injuries, making mean comments that really were inappropriate and hurt my feelings. She did other things too, like gossip about me while I was recovering in the hospital to all the new drum group members, a couple of whom approached me when I returned to the weekly drum circle rehearsals to get the full story. I endured a lot of emotional abuse from her until she left the group because frankly, I was still recovering from my injury and lacked self-confidence because I felt very self-conscious about being hit by a truck while on my bike. Not to mention all the physical symptoms I had to endure post-accident that were very unpleasant. But drumming helped me physically heal a lot quicker than my out-patient therapy alone would have.

 

And I totally agree with you that once you engage a manipulative person, if you don't put up strong boundaries immediately you will regret it and it will be difficult to extricate yourself from that toxic connection without getting hurt somehow.

Edited June 16, 2012 by writergal

[SpiralOut]

I agree that strong boundaries are important. In my situation, I did not want to be involved with the person but it's difficult to avoid someone you work with. I had weak boundaries; I can deal with normal people who pick up on hints but I find it hard to resist aggressive people.

 

The person I dealt with was very aggressive and persistent. I was able to disregard her for about two months before she began to wear me down to a point where I let her get past my boundaries on a few occasions. That was enough to spurr her on further and she developed a strategy of attacking and withdrawing. She would bother me for a few weeks, then leave me alone a few weeks. Bother me, leave me alone. Bother me, leave me alone. If she had a chance, she would throw a weird comment my way every so often.

 

She often waited until she was alone with me to say weird things, which is another warning sign.You know you need to watch out for someone if they talk to you differently in private than in front of others.

 

I also agree we should look at ourselves to see what we do to attract manipulative behaviour. I worry about being mean to other people, sometimes to the point where I'll disregard my own feelings and needs just to avoid making someone feel bad. I've had to ask myself why is it so important to me to be seen as a nice person?

 

I think people can see that I'm like that and try to take advantage. They've been rejected by other people who aren't willing to deal with their BS, so they look for someone who might put up with it. I don't know if they really care or even think to think about whether or not the other person likes how they are being treated. Someone has suggested to me that such people lack empathy. They may have no idea of how they are acting.

 

I'm actually still not finished dealing with this person as I see her five days a week and I think she's preparing to go back into attack mode after a very long period of staying away from me. Now that my boundaries are stronger, we will see how that goes.

Edited June 16, 2012 by SpiralOut

[writergal]

I agree that strong boundaries are important. In my situation, I did not want to be involved with the person but it's difficult to avoid someone you work with. I had weak boundaries; I can deal with normal people who pick up on hints but I find it hard to resist aggressive people.

 

The person I dealt with was very aggressive and persistent. I was able to disregard her for about two months before she began to wear me down to a point where I let her get past my boundaries on a few occasions. That was enough to spurr her on further and she developed a strategy of attacking and withdrawing. She would bother me for a few weeks, then leave me alone a few weeks. Bother me, leave me alone. Bother me, leave me alone. If she had a chance, she would throw a weird comment my way every so often.

 

She often waited until she was alone with me to say weird things, which is another warning sign.You know you need to watch out for someone if they talk to you differently in private than in front of others.

 

I also agree we should look at ourselves to see what we do to attract manipulative behaviour. I worry about being mean to other people, sometimes to the point where I'll disregard my own feelings and needs just to avoid making someone feel bad. I've had to ask myself why is it so important to me to be seen as a nice person?

 

I think people can see that I'm like that and try to take advantage. They've been rejected by other people who aren't willing to deal with their BS, so they look for someone who might put up with it. I don't know if they really care or even think to think about whether or not the other person likes how they are being treated. Someone has suggested to me that such people lack empathy. They may have no idea of how they are acting.

 

I'm actually still not finished dealing with this person as I see her five days a week and I think she's preparing to go back into attack mode after a very long period of staying away from me. Now that my boundaries are stronger, we will see how that goes.

 

That person you work with sounds like a real boundary invader. Yuck. Sorry you have to endure that on a daily basis at work which is a place you're supposed to enjoy going to, not dread. It's awesome that you've identified your co-workers manipulative tactics and have stronger boundaries. Now you can change the rules when she/he tries to engage you again with the bother you/ignore you routine.

 

Of course people can sniff out those of us with weak boundaries. We give ourselves away by our actions. Like, being naive to think that someone can be as mean as the manipulative person in your life is to you, despite having all kinds of evidence to the contrary.

 

Or when you're over-conscientious, and willing to agree with your manipulator's attempts to shame or belittle you (covertly most of the time, usually what seems like a compliment is an insult). Like, you don't fight back when the manipulative person emotionally abuses you. You just take it because you fear their rejection for whatever reason.

 

Then there is the obvious trait, lack of self-confidence. This is like throwing chum out to manipulative people, "here, come get me I have no boundaries." Kind of like codependency I think.

 

And finally wasting time trying to over-analyze the manipulative person's behavior instead of being assertive and putting up stronger boundaries.

 

I love lists. Here's another one of manipulative people's "tactics"

 

denial, pretending to be innocent

 

selective attention, play dumb or act oblivious to the situation

 

rationalization, make excuses

 

diversion, change the subject, dodge the real issue

 

lying

 

covert intimidation, i.e. veiled threats

 

guilt-tripping

 

shaming, the ol subtle sarcasm technique and put-downs disguised as jokes to

make the other person feel small, inadequate

 

avoidance, refusal to acknowledge the issue with you

 

plays the victim/martyr, pretends to be a victim too, feigns interest in your problems, convinces you to trust them because they claim they have your best interest in mind

 

vilifies their victim

 

plays the servant (pretends to be interested in a bigger cause to hide their true agenda)

 

projects blame to the other person instead of taking responsibility

minimization which is I think the worst offending tactic, where the manipulator makes a molehill out of a mountain, (denying, rationalizing, invalidating)

[SpiralOut]

Umm yes I agree with your list, though I'd like to add some examples. It's true that the more naive you are to how mean people can be, the easier it is for people to be mean/rude to you.

 

I've experienced insults thinly veiled as jokes (eg making a "joke" about me and my ex-boyfriend being broken up). Backwards compliments are also given (eg telling me while my hair is down that they like it when it is up)

 

 

Also if they say something directly negative about something you said and did they may blame it on someone else. Like they will say that so-and-so thinks you were rude. They won't take responsibility for their own opinion.

 

Most of their tricks count on you having low self-esteem. They expect you to go along with the crap they say. You need to call them out on it. There have been a few times when this person said things to me that weren't true at all. She depended on me to agree with her without question. When I questioned her, she tried to trick me by telling me "oh, you know what I am talking about." When i said no I have no idea, please explain it, she said "Oh, I thought I told you that already?" No you never said anything, please tell me what you mean.

 

No response. You know they are screwing with you when they aren't willing to explain themselves. They will answer your questions with questions. Or they might just go silent and refuse to say anything.

 

 

In my case I put up with certain things not because I fear rejection. I am fearful of behaving in a manner that is just as bad as that person. I think that's what they want; to get a reaction, to get you to throw something back at them which they can then go cry and complain to people about.

 

Also, you know they are messing with you if you get angry and instead of getting upset or confused like a normal person would, they get excited and happy.

Edited June 16, 2012 by SpiralOut