allhungup Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 I know this is me and hundreds of others in the same boat trying to steer away from emotional infidelity, but I am at a loss as to how to proceed. An old friend & crush called me out of the blue. We haven't spoken in the last 5 years and I still have feelings for him. My current situation: I am engaged to the man I've been dating for 4.5 years, we both have good professional careers, a dog, don't fight, laugh together... basically living the dream. The initial "fire" is gone, but has mellowed into that long lasting, slow burning type of love and devotion. My past with OM, is a long and complicated one. We were friends in high school and helped each other through some tough times. We were both intelligent creative types, but had opposite life styles. His was one of drugs and my was one of the straight and narrow. We never dated but there was always some kind of unspoken connection. Or timing never worked out as the years went on to actually date, but we hooked up a few times. He always ended up throwing himself into relationships with toxic girls who he felt like he needed to "save" on some level. I went to college and had a LT relationship for 4 years. I ended up breaking off that relationship after college and the OM and I met up right before I was to relocate to the other side of the country. I was finally available (he was sort of seeing another troubled girl) and we reconnected for a week and I told him how I'd felt about him for all those years. My mind knew he wasn't good for me, but the heart wants what it wants. He told his then "girlfriend" about us hooking up and things got weird. I left and we didn't speak after that out of respect for the girlfriend. I got involved with my now fiancé shortly after that and built a live with him over the last 4+ years. I never really got over my old flame, but was able to accept that he wasn't available to me. So he called up last week and it turns out he's recovering from a breakup with that "girlfriend". They stayed together and turned into junkies. He now is broke, friendless and estranged from his family. Basically a loser, but I still have these crazy feelings for him. My problem: He has no one else to turn to that's "sane" (he also battles mental issues). I want to be there for him as a friend, but don't know if I can keep myself from developing deeper, if misplaced, feelings for him. I think what I lust/yearn after is who he used to be and the memories I have of him and our friendship. My head knows that he could never be a good life partner for me, but my heart can't stop thinking about him. We've been texting and calling over the last week. All I told my fiancé is that an old friend called up and we've been catching up. At a loss. Do I just go NC and walk away? From what I've read, it's almost impossible to have a friendship without emotional infidelity being the likely outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 allhungup, You say he has no one else to turn to. What does he expect to gain by turning to you? Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Hon, you can't fix him. I can't tell you how many times the thinking of "I am the only sane person in his life" got me into a quicksand of trouble. Personally from what you have said, I am sure that if you remain in contact with him, he will eventually bring your life down. You want the best for him right? And I'm sure you do, you sound like you really care....sooooo, let him stand on his own two feet. I've noticed in the past few years that there are a lot of people that specifically seek people from their past and elsewhere out to use them as a means of financial support so that they don't have to work....the junkie part speaks volumns on that note....and please know, I'm not judging him, I have just seen a lot and have had a lot of users in my life...the economy is bad...so much so that I have people actually coming to my door asking for money that I have never seen before. I sense his agenda is to use you in some way. You have a good and stable life right now....hang in there girl, and no matter what you decide, we are here for you:) ((((((((lots of love!)))))) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
YellowShark Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 (edited) I sense his agenda is to use you in some way. Quoted for truth. Stay away! Do not throw away what you have now on a broke junkie with "mental issues" from your past. My goodness that would be unbelievably tragic and a huge mistake. Go no contact. He's from the past, and that is where he should remain. You don't owe him a thing and he will bring you nothing but pain. Edited June 13, 2012 by YellowShark 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author allhungup Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 Thanks for the responses. I need to hear that from others even though I know what I have to do at some level. Just need the extra push so my mind can win out over my heart. You are exactly right, I can't fix him now, just as I couldn't 10 years ago. And if he really cared that much about our friendship, why did it take him to be in such a desperate place to make the connection? He says it's because he's now broken up and that he wanted to so many times, but couldn't because of his woman at the time. It just hurts me because I could always see the goodness in him and his potential. I need to stop holding a torch for smart and creatively passionate person I knew, because I doubt that person even exists any more after all the hard drug use. I wish I could feel more closure, but life just isn't fair like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author allhungup Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 allhungup, You say he has no one else to turn to. What does he expect to gain by turning to you? I think he's lost touch with reality so much so, that he is just looking for someone to demonstrate that there is a way to be normal. I myself wonder what he was expecting to find when he tracked me down... what good could come of it all? Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 I think he's lost touch with reality so much so, that he is just looking for someone to demonstrate that there is a way to be normal. I myself wonder what he was expecting to find when he tracked me down... what good could come of it all? Aha, and hence the dynamic of the relationship that you all shared when you were in high school. You being the more together one that gave him a sense of stability. Girl, you know how tiring and draining that can be as we get older? I'm exhausted with the self inflicted nonsense that I've put myself through. There are times in life that I've deeply regretted not being more selfish and realising that I cannot "fix" anyone. Especially when I've ignorantly tried , only to have them turn on me and make me look the fool. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 This man sounds like a real piece of work, who's looking for a shrink/someone to save him when the only person who can save him is himself. His goodness and potential don't mean much when he can't translate it into action. Move on and focus on your fiancé. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 I know this is me and hundreds of others in the same boat trying to steer away from emotional infidelity, but I am at a loss as to how to proceed. An old friend & crush called me out of the blue. We haven't spoken in the last 5 years and I still have feelings for him. So he called up last week and it turns out he's recovering from a breakup with that "girlfriend". They stayed together and turned into junkies. He now is broke, friendless and estranged from his family. Basically a loser, but I still have these crazy feelings for him. So, you are in love with your ex, who is a junkie, just broke up with his junkie girlfriend and he is recovering from that and he contacts you. He is a loser, he's broke, has no friends and is estranged from his family.. And you are considering possibly breaking it off with your fiancee for this loser? YOUR WORDS there about him being a loser. No good can come of this. Tell him good bye. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author allhungup Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 And you are considering possibly breaking it off with your fiancee for this loser? No, I was never considering breaking things off my fiancé. I had sort of convinced myself that I could be a friend to my OM and that I could control my feelings for him. I am also very aware that what I feel is love for someone I used to know. I had convinced myself that recognizing the irrationality of it would be half the battle in "getting over him" so that I could be a friend. I am coming to realization that it won't end like that. When I say "loser", I mean it in the sense that society would place such a label on him. I have a deep compassion for people and believe there is validity in who we all are in this moment in time. He would never consciously try to take advantage of my altruism, but ends up doing so because I can't help but want to help. It's going to hurt to say goodbye, but would also hurt everyday to keep him in my life with that "what if" always hanging over my head. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 All junkies are toxic losers. I used to be one myself. Let him into your life if you want your life to be poisoned. Sounds like you have a big thirst for some drama. If this is the case, you probably aren't ready to be married. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author allhungup Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 A quick creative response to holding on to memories and the pain that comes from letting them go ... hot off the press. Seasons of Memory Wooing memory into clarity is a lonely pursuit. She has no heart to tease into blindness with stanzas of spring zest. She’ll share no honeymoon entwined in tongues of grass, tickling cheeks beneath sun soaked clouds. She is fickle. Tempted by time to bend beyond reach, then smolder red under autumn caress. Only to pale with every moon. Brittling all serenades until you can no longer remember your love for her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author allhungup Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 All junkies are toxic losers. I used to be one myself. Let him into your life if you want your life to be poisoned. Sounds like you have a big thirst for some drama. If this is the case, you probably aren't ready to be married. I am probably one of the least "drama driven" types of people when it comes to by base personality, but I will admit, that's probably why I've always been drawn to him. His instability offsets my even keel nature. All the more reason to rid myself of his toxicity. On a cerebral level, I get it - 100%, I get it. Just need to get over it now. Thanks, and I'm glad to hear that you were able to turn your life around. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Aside from protecting yourself, and a relationship that has progressed to the "fine wine" stage.........(if you've attained that level of comfort and trust with someone , please don't jeopardize it--you'll be kicking yourself later) setting all of that aside--The best, and kindest thing you could do for your old flame is to allow him to hit "rock bottom". He needs to experience that---if people keep "rescuing" him, he'll never get the wake-up call he needs. It might sound mean to turn your back on him---but it really isn't . Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 There is a lot of creative writing in this thread! Link to post Share on other sites
Author allhungup Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 You know, it's really amazing how a handful of strangers can support one another. I think it's a great testament to what technology has afforded us, and to the genuine desire in the human disposition to help others realize joy. It takes time and effort to respond to others cry for help, and guess I'm just impressed by the quality of understanding and insight. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 At a loss. Do I just go NC and walk away? From what I've read, it's almost impossible to have a friendship without emotional infidelity being the likely outcome. Yes, you break NC, AND break off the engagement. Set your fiance free. He doesn't deserve to have a wife that pines for another man. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 No, I was never considering breaking things off my fiancé. I had sort of convinced myself that I could be a friend to my OM and that I could control my feelings for him. I am also very aware that what I feel is love for someone I used to know. I had convinced myself that recognizing the irrationality of it would be half the battle in "getting over him" so that I could be a friend. I am coming to realization that it won't end like that. When I say "loser", I mean it in the sense that society would place such a label on him. I have a deep compassion for people and believe there is validity in who we all are in this moment in time. He would never consciously try to take advantage of my altruism, but ends up doing so because I can't help but want to help. It's going to hurt to say goodbye, but would also hurt everyday to keep him in my life with that "what if" always hanging over my head. One cannot live on just love. The life you would have had with him wouldn't have been healthy or good, or long lasting. It'd be full of drama, tears and very emotionally draining. And no, you cannot be 'friends' with someone you are still in love with and have feelings for. It does damage not only to you but to your fiancee as well and the relationship between you two. best thing to do is tell him goodbye and make yourself have closure. Close the door forever on him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author allhungup Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 Wish me luck. I'm going to be talking to the OM tonight to bring closure to our past. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Wish me luck. I'm going to be talking to the OM tonight to bring closure to our past. Why don't you just email or text him and simply say that you are engaged now, and therefore it would be inappropriate for the two of you to talk further? That might save you a lot of emotional hassle. Link to post Share on other sites
Alice2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Wish me luck. I'm going to be talking to the OM tonight to bring closure to our past. In other words, you're going to have a little too much to drink and then either kiss or have sex (or come close to it). She knows exactly what she's doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Joaquin Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 (edited) Wish me luck. I'm going to be talking to the OM tonight to bring closure to our past. Best of luck. Don't forget to fill your fiancé in. You wouldn't want to be doing stuff behind his back. That would be a fairly crap. Treat others as you want to be treated. Edited June 13, 2012 by Joaquin 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TripLine Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Wish me luck. I'm going to be talking to the OM tonight to bring closure to our past. I believe you made this topic to see if one or two person would kindly give you the go ahead to see the guy. I don't think anyone did. No matter how many people said stay away, you knew what you wanted to do anyways. People like you are lame. No, I was never considering breaking things off my fiancé. I had sort of convinced myself that I could be a friend to my OM and that I could control my feelings for him. I am also very aware that what I feel is love for someone I used to know. I had convinced myself that recognizing the irrationality of it would be half the battle in "getting over him" so that I could be a friend. I am coming to realization that it won't end like that. If you did convince yourself, then you wouldn't need support from here to help convince you even more. I am convinced that you lust for the guy and want to stay in touch with him. 1/2 truth = white lie. I don't think your fiance would be too happy. As a matter of fact, he might even call off the wedding if he read this thread. Stay sneaky and make sure your future husband does not find out about this! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Barrsitter Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 I have only one word of advice: Run 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 Stay away unless you want more pain and less money. He contacted because he wants money. Don't give it - it's only going to provide him with his drugs. I speak from experience. Run! Link to post Share on other sites
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