Dating Long distance?

[Lisa]

Hi there,

 

I recently put a post out describing my situation. I am dating a man who lives in another city. We met just a few weeks ago, and completely hit it off, and now we are trying to keep things going living apart, thankfully only an hour by plane. We are talking on the phone every night, and making plans to see one another soon. It is so frustrating meeting someone so perfect, and having to develop a relationship over the phone, instead of doing it normally be seeing eachother and spending time together. Part of me feels that it will never work trying to date without even having a foundation and with both of us living apart. Our phone conversations are good, but I can feel the frustration between us since we apart, and we both know that things would just be great if we were physically together. This just sucks that I met someone so perfect, and we can't even develop or get to know one another more when we arent in the same city. Do you think this can work out, or I am being a naive fool thinking I can date a man and develop a relationship with him while we are geographically separated? Any advice on how to help me get through this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

[Tony T]

You are pretty generous in your post characterizing this man as being perfect. You hardly know the guy. Have an experienced dater sit you down and explain how people put on their very best in the initial stages of a relationship. Have them fill you in on how you get to discover their many flaws as time goes on and how falling in love is supposed to help you overlook those flaws.

 

Then talk to someone else who has been in a long distance relationship and learn how the attractiveness of a person is often directly proportionate to the distance you have to travel to see them and the infrequency of personal contact.

 

The best advice I can give you to get through this is enjoy whatever it is you're getting out of it, make sure he pays your airline fares to see him, be sure you have the least expensive long distance telephone service and the money to pay the bills, and start seeing other men in your area.

 

There are many people who are repeatedly attracted to GUDs (Geographically Undesireables) because they are either consciously or subconsciously terrified of close, intimate relationships. The distance and lack of intimacy are extremely safe for them. If this is your case, by all means count it as a gift from the heavens.

 

But if you are looking for real love, a genuine and fulfilling relationship, either move to be with him...or at least in the same city, or pursue men you don't have to accumulate frequent flier miles to see more frequently.

 

Give this some real thought now or you will be in for some real disappointment and possibly some real hurt later. I will say things like this do work for some people, but mostly in the movies and on TV.

 

I hope others who respond to your post have a more positive outlook for this scenario, after all I am NOT perfect.

[Lisa]

Tony-

 

I understand exactly what you are saying. And I know I hardly know this man, however, I have never met anyone like him before, and I have never felt this way about anyone. Maybe I am being overly romantic, and living in a fantasy world, but I feel like he is the "one", and I don't want to lose the chance of us being together. I am head over heels for this guy, and maybe I am going to get hurt, however, how often do two people in this crazy world meet who are so right for eachother? I have only spent two weekends with him, but something tells me we are meant for eachother. It does happen! Furthermore, it is way too soon for me or him to be moving cities to be with eachother. In the meantime, I was just asking how we can remain close with the distance?

You are pretty generous in your post characterizing this man as being perfect. You hardly know the guy. Have an experienced dater sit you down and explain how people put on their very best in the initial stages of a relationship. Have them fill you in on how you get to discover their many flaws as time goes on and how falling in love is supposed to help you overlook those flaws. Then talk to someone else who has been in a long distance relationship and learn how the attractiveness of a person is often directly proportionate to the distance you have to travel to see them and the infrequency of personal contact. The best advice I can give you to get through this is enjoy whatever it is you're getting out of it, make sure he pays your airline fares to see him, be sure you have the least expensive long distance telephone service and the money to pay the bills, and start seeing other men in your area. There are many people who are repeatedly attracted to GUDs (Geographically Undesireables) because they are either consciously or subconsciously terrified of close, intimate relationships. The distance and lack of intimacy are extremely safe for them. If this is your case, by all means count it as a gift from the heavens. But if you are looking for real love, a genuine and fulfilling relationship, either move to be with him...or at least in the same city, or pursue men you don't have to accumulate frequent flier miles to see more frequently. Give this some real thought now or you will be in for some real disappointment and possibly some real hurt later. I will say things like this do work for some people, but mostly in the movies and on TV. I hope others who respond to your post have a more positive outlook for this scenario, after all I am NOT perfect.

[E-4]

Well Lisa,

 

I will start by saying I was in a situation similar to yours. I met a wonderful girl one summer and we enjoyed every single day we could spend together for those three months. We then had to go back to our respective homes which were about an hour plane ride apart and finish our final year of college. After which we had planned on moving to a mutually agreeable place to be able to date and see if this were something to pursue in terms of eventual marriage. We realized that 1) we had only known each other for a short time 2) had a relationship that really had very few consequences (since we both knew we had to return home for our final year of college) but we also felt very passionately about each other. So we called nightly and visited each other as often as was practical. But about 3-4 months into it we realized that this was harder than either of us ever expected. While we hung on to the memories of the summer, reality was also setting in. Despite being able to grow (granted it was slow and small) through our phone conversations, there is a definite value in being able to see each other on a daily basis and doing those little every day type of things together. So with 6 months to go before our graduations we broke things off.

 

Do I regret it? No. She is truly a wonderful person. And while this has been said insincerely by any number of people, I can say this with a pure heart, I truly hope that she finds true love one day in her life. But despite all of our great intents, the reality of everyday life set in. Relationships were made to allow two people to support each other, learn from each other, and provide love for each other. While all of these can be done for a short and finite amount of time, none of them can be done in a manner worthy of a truly meaningful relationship with the two parties being apart. It is still sometimes difficult to think about all that we shared, because it is frustrating to think about what could have been. We shared so much in common and had such a pure kind of joy together. But sometimes life doesn't work how we think it ought to. And to sit here and dwell on everything that could have been would simply let life pass me by. So, yes I miss her and yes there was a time in my life when I wished that things could have been different, but it wasn't in the plans for us.

 

So my advice to you is this. Look at this relationship. Is there something to build upon or are you simply attracted to the memory of the good times you have had together? If you can honestly tell yourself that there is something to build upon then there really needs to be plans to arrange for the two of you to be together on an on going basis in the near future. Phone/letter relationships, especially ones that are in their infant stages cannot grow the way they need to. It is hard enough to maintain a multi-year relationship long distance, imagine the difficults of trying to develop one. There is really a need for the face to face contact. If this can't be done, then I would suggest moving on sooner rather than later. It would be easiest for all. I wish you all the best in your decision and in your relationship.

[Lisa]

E4-

 

Thank you for the insight, and I am sorry things did not work out for you, but I guess it is god's plan. I have decided to move to the city of where my so called "long ditance" love is. I had been pondering moving there long before we even met, so I guess meeting him is a sign I should go, especially if I want things to work out between us. Unfortunatley, things have been a bit weird between us, ie the phone calls. The calls seem to be akward, sometimes he tells me he misses me, other times he doesn't, and it makes for a very poor communication level. I actually dropped the bomb tonight, and told him I was coming down to his city for an interview next week and that if I do get a job, I will be moving to his city. To say the least, he showed not much enthusiasm, nor did he even ask how long I was going to be there for. Maybe he was just shocked. He did ask to see me the day I get down there, but that was all. Now I am not sure how to handle this guy, and I am completely confused by his up and down, inconsistant show of feelings towards me. I don't know how to play, because I do not want to seem to eager. I feel he is playing mind games with me, or maybe he isn't as interested as he was when we first met. I really like this guy but I just can't read him at all. Maybe when I get down there, I should wait a day to see him. Well, any advice you could give would be appreciated. Thanks

Well Lisa, I will start by saying I was in a situation similar to yours. I met a wonderful girl one summer and we enjoyed every single day we could spend together for those three months. We then had to go back to our respective homes which were about an hour plane ride apart and finish our final year of college. After which we had planned on moving to a mutually agreeable place to be able to date and see if this were something to pursue in terms of eventual marriage. We realized that 1) we had only known each other for a short time 2) had a relationship that really had very few consequences (since we both knew we had to return home for our final year of college) but we also felt very passionately about each other. So we called nightly and visited each other as often as was practical. But about 3-4 months into it we realized that this was harder than either of us ever expected. While we hung on to the memories of the summer, reality was also setting in. Despite being able to grow (granted it was slow and small) through our phone conversations, there is a definite value in being able to see each other on a daily basis and doing those little every day type of things together. So with 6 months to go before our graduations we broke things off. Do I regret it? No. She is truly a wonderful person. And while this has been said insincerely by any number of people, I can say this with a pure heart, I truly hope that she finds true love one day in her life. But despite all of our great intents, the reality of everyday life set in. Relationships were made to allow two people to support each other, learn from each other, and provide love for each other. While all of these can be done for a short and finite amount of time, none of them can be done in a manner worthy of a truly meaningful relationship with the two parties being apart. It is still sometimes difficult to think about all that we shared, because it is frustrating to think about what could have been. We shared so much in common and had such a pure kind of joy together. But sometimes life doesn't work how we think it ought to. And to sit here and dwell on everything that could have been would simply let life pass me by. So, yes I miss her and yes there was a time in my life when I wished that things could have been different, but it wasn't in the plans for us. So my advice to you is this. Look at this relationship. Is there something to build upon or are you simply attracted to the memory of the good times you have had together? If you can honestly tell yourself that there is something to build upon then there really needs to be plans to arrange for the two of you to be together on an on going basis in the near future. Phone/letter relationships, especially ones that are in their infant stages cannot grow the way they need to. It is hard enough to maintain a multi-year relationship long distance, imagine the difficults of trying to develop one. There is really a need for the face to face contact. If this can't be done, then I would suggest moving on sooner rather than later. It would be easiest for all. I wish you all the best in your decision and in your relationship.