J0N Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Hi, I have been around here for some time and for those of you who don't recognize me, I haven't posted much recently. Me and my ex split around two years ago. We have not spoken since the day we broke up (literally not once, it wasn't a blow out breakup, we just agreed to go our separate ways). Recently, I have had a really strong urge to reach out to her. I have been managing to stifle it for a long time now, but I am not sure how much longer I can do it. My dating life has gone essentially nowhere for the past two years, I really feel like when she left a part of me died and I still have not recovered. I moved to a new city about a year ago and I have had a hard time making new friends and I am just really lonely. I really dont know if this is a good idea. She has not made so much as one attempt to reach out. I have a thing on my linkedin that shows who has looked, she hasn't. Not once. I blocked her on FB a long time ago, and have not taken it off. Not even one drunken text message. (Maybe this is a pretty clear sign that she has moved on, and that this is a bad idea?) I kind of want to just catch up and see how she is doing, but I just dont know if it is because I am genuinely curious or it is because I still have feelings for her. People around here say that it is only good to seek closure once you legitimately do not care anymore, so maybe this is the making of a terrible idea. Can somebody help steer me in the right direction? Link to post Share on other sites
Author J0N Posted June 13, 2012 Author Share Posted June 13, 2012 I guess to the casual observer, it appears that I already know what the right thing to do is. Idk I guess I figured I would be over her by now. Amazing that two years later I am still hung up on it. I still want to do it but I guess if I can't have her back, it's best to just never speak again? Have any of you guys ever gone 5 or so years without a single word from your ex? This seems so strange to me Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Scorpio Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 My advice? Don't do it. The odds of anything good coming from it are slim-to-nill. How would it make you feel to check the FB page to see that her profile pic is her in a wedding dress next to her groom? But no, I never went five years. My ex would reach out on average once every 6-8 months either with breadcrumbs or a mini-update of what was going on in her life. Link to post Share on other sites
fucpcg Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 How do you know she is not pondering the same things you are? Only one way to find out. If it were me, I would want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
tryingtodiscoveranew Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 Hi, I really dont know if this is a good idea. She has not made so much as one attempt to reach out. I have a thing on my linkedin that shows who has looked, she hasn't. Not once. I blocked her on FB a long time ago, and have not taken it off. Not even one drunken text message. (Maybe this is a pretty clear sign that she has moved on, and that this is a bad idea?) I kind of want to just catch up and see how she is doing, but I just dont know if it is because I am genuinely curious or it is because I still have feelings for her. People around here say that it is only good to seek closure once you legitimately do not care anymore, so maybe this is the making of a terrible idea. Can somebody help steer me in the right direction? Hey...that feature you have on linkedin sounds interesting. What's it called? And do they also have a feature like that for FB. I use to check my ex's FB page from time to time. That is until about a year ago...when I figured out I was dealing with major self-inflicted pain! But, I always wondered if she could see that I was looking? She isn't the most technically savy person, but who knows, right? As for you...I vote for not contacting your ex. I was in your similar situation and I reached out. It led to more reaching out on my part, because I did not receive the response I had hoped. It also led to dating again, which was a total mess!! So, save yourself. Let the ex break the silence (if you can hold back). Link to post Share on other sites
Denillad Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 (edited) Hi Jon.... I would agree that your best option would be leave things as they are, though i too have given in to that urge to know where my ex is mentally. Its failed each time. We have been apart 3 1/2 years and i still think about him pretty often. He has called my parents maybe 1 or 2 times a year to ask some question but whenever i contact him. He has nothing to say or cant talk cause his new gf is around. The last time was 2 weeks ago...and this sets the healing process back. We have to prove to ourselves that we can live without them, thats my goal. Im letting go of the good n bad, and make it my priority to truly move on. It is a challenge, if contacting her and finding about her new life will set u back, i think its best left alone. Im learning never to fight someone in a relationship/friendship who doesnt see the need to fight for you. What ever you decide make sure its one you can handle which ever way it goes. Edited June 14, 2012 by Denillad 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 I Jon if I recall correctly we had the same type of breakup. It confuses me too mainly how they can just completely cut us off like that. I think it's kind of sociopathic or something. I also don't understand how they don't think twice about it when they dumped out of the blue, no good reason and never hear from again. I hope you don't contact. I would consider the consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
soonerfan77 Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 I wouldn't contact her either. The last thing you want to do is bring back the emotional pain. It may set you back quite a bit. I know it's hard trust me. My ex moved on 2 days after we parted. I checked facebook and she was engaged to a guy she just met a week earlier!! This cause sooo much pain. My advice. Just let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 Jon I just want to say that I can so relate to how you feel too and you're not alone. I also think about doing the same thing. Mostly as I'm suck to death with doing The right thing when it made zero difference in my case. And especially when my ex can't be civil. But I kind of think if I broke NC I could find something out that might really hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Ajax Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 Hey JON, I don't post here very often anymore either, but figured I'd show some solidarity with a brother who went through his breakup around the same time as I did. I haven't heard from my ex at all either. And I have to admit the idea of talking to her does have an appeal to me. But there's no way I'm going to be the one to reach out. Call it stubbornness or determination, but after the way she left things and the silence since, I'm not about to give her the satisfaction of knowing she still crosses my mind from time to time. And while I would like to reconnect in some manner, I can live without it. However my ability to refrain from contacting my ex might be easier for me than for you because mine is related to some close friends of mine, and I think that it's very likely that our paths will cross again someday, even if it's years down the road. In your situation, I don't know. You admit yourself that you still have some feelings for her. And I think that it's good that you're self aware enough to realize that. I don't want to encourage you to do something that's going to hurt you, but as long as you're aware of that possibility, it might be okay to reach out to her and see what happens. Maybe you should give it a little more thought before you do it. You've waited this long and I don't think it would hurt to wait a little bit longer. I'd have your back either way JON. Keep us updated. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenPolicy Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 (edited) What do you hope to accomplish by contacting your ex? Be honest with yourself. What is it you're looking for? Now once you realize what it is you're hoping to accomplish, how does breaking NC help achieve this goal? We preach NC on this website as a means to heal and get on with your life. It is up to you to decide whether or not to continue with it. Only you can make the call as to whether or not it's best to stick with it. Having had a similar breakup, I can tell you that where you are probably struggling is that you never got closure. Your relationship ended abruptly. You weren't expecting it. There didn't seem to be anything wrong with things outside of normal relationship issues. Your ex couldn't be bothered to give you a decent explanation or try to work things out if she was dissatisfied. You've probably twisted yourself into knots trying to make sense of it. In my own case, I have cyberpeeked a few times. I've never seen anything that definitively establishes whether she has a boyfriend or not, but 20 months out, I just assume she does. In any event I am not going to cyberpeek anymore. Her fb is mostly but not completely private. Even seeing the mundane details of what is available to the public hurts enough. The fact is she's never once made an attempt to contact you. She's never once looked at your linkedin page. I think that says a lot right there. She was the one who initiated the breakup. If she really wanted to talk to you, if she really wanted to hear from you, if it meant enough to her to do it, she would lift a finger. So far she hasn't done that. I can't tell you what to do, just that in a similar boat, I do not want to give my ex the satisfaction and validation that I am still hung up on her. She doesn't deserve that. There is pain in NC, but I think the pain of breaking it is probably greater. It will probably not go at all like what you think. I would strongly recommend going for some counseling. There are probably deeper issues at work here, and being torn up over your ex is merely a symptom of those deeper issues, not a root cause. The best place to seek closure is on your own, or between the walls of a counselor's office. It just sounds like the ball was left in her court, and it's best to leave it there. I don't think that's pride or stubbornness but simply practicing self-care and self-respect. If she has something to say to you, she knows how to get in touch. Edited June 15, 2012 by GreenPolicy Link to post Share on other sites
fucpcg Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 /\ well said. Makes 3 of us in same boat. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenPolicy Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 One other thing: in perusing loveshack, enotalone, BPDFamily, I have never once seen a "I broke NC and now I feel happy/ecstatic/relieved/better" thread. NEVER. Not once. I have seen plenty of "I broke NC and now I feel awful/terrible/horrible" threads. Chances are you'll be back here in two months saying "Help! I broke NC, XYZ did/did not happen and now I feel ABC." Proceed at your own risk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 The only thing that stops me is giving the Ahole a massive ego boost. I remember someone told me that this person can't be that fantastic person if they just dump us out of blue and never contact us. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 (edited) It hurt when I remember my rebound dumped me for wanting to be single, only to find he was dating another girl. And all over FB which he never did to me. You might find something hurtful too. But then I also want to break NC as my ex always used to put me down and brag about how much money he was going to make after graduation. I would really love to break NC on the other hand just to prove the Ahole wrong. That is so tempting. Edited June 15, 2012 by Sugarkane iPhone error Link to post Share on other sites
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