My story

[2sunny]

I'd suggest getting to counseling as soon as possible!

 

The rug sweeping is bound to come back at your M later!

[NotCamelot]

My gut tells me...........everything will be fine, eventually.

 

She seems to be handling this a lot better than me. But when I was found out, I handled it a lot better than she did back then. So, that seems to make a lot of sense.

 

We are having lots of talks......I can now bring myself to say OM name now.....I could not even speak that before a few days ago. We talk about what would happen if OM and OMW split.

 

She really seems completely truthful about her feelings for me. Keeps telling me that she now knows that I really do love her and that that was the entire problem....she felt unwanted and unloved. The situation presented itself and an old flame told her he loved her and started to try to make her believe it and so she went that direction because of that.

 

When I reacted the way I did, her eyes opened to the fact that I really did love her and was going to fight for her. She said that she never stopped loving me, but that she had grown tired of being trying to get me to love her. I can tell you, that were many, many times when she was neglected. I see that now. I have made some drastic changes so that she will never feel that way again.

 

I don't really believe that these things can ever be 100% the fault of just one party in the marraige. If you married for the right reasons to begin with, there is something that changed to cause it.....and usually both sides have some complicity.

 

And, again, back to my original post, my issues now are mostly mental, though they do cause a physical reaction. The two times that they were intimate still pains me and causes the "mental movies". Unfortunately, I have not be able to tell her this. I know I need to tell her. And, once I do, I think we can talk more about it and move on.

 

In the first few days after D-Day, her comment was, "It was just sex." Obviously the female mind does not hold that same feeling for that as the male mind does.

 

I don't know how long it will take to, or if I will ever stop thinking about it. But I do think about it less and less everyday.

 

It was 4 weeks ago this morning at 8:30 that I called OM and then her. She swears there has been no contact since that morning. I can tell you for certain that she is telling the truth as far as all phones and devices I still monitor.........with the exception of her company phones. I just have to trust her on that one. She knows that I still watch everything. But, as I reminded her last night, she watched every move I made for almost 2 years.

 

She has a court date this afternoon to close a family estate.....almost 2 hours away from here. I had not planned on being there when it was scheduled a few months ago....before the A. She now expects me to go even though it does not involve me.

 

My birthday was last week and she no chance to go out to even get a birthday card. (she did make one on computer while I was in shower.) I know that she will have no chance to do something for Father's Day. I have not let her out of my sight since I found out. I have told her that I won't let her out of sight.

 

We were shopping last night. While she was driving us home, she asked me to get her cell phone from her purse to call our daughter. When I pulled it out I saw there was voicemail waiting. I told her. She reached for the phone quickly. She saw that I immediately started the call to the voicemail and pulled her hand back and smiled. It was a guy that she works with who wanted her to have me get in touch with him because his wife needed help with her computer. We know the couple very well and go out to dinner now and then.

 

Last night, she said "If you need me to leave I will. But I do love you and I now know that you really love me. If you can't live with what I did, I will understand. Maybe If I'm gone you will want me back. I don't want to go, but I will you want me to."

 

She was lying in my arms when she said this. I told her that I don't want her to go. I love her and we WILL fix this.

 

Basically, my gut tells me that everything is falling back into place, and maybe better than it was is some ways.

 

Do I trust her yet......No.

Do I love her.....Yes.

Do I feel love from her.......Yes, very much.

Do I believe her reasons for it......Yes.

Do I believe he will never contact her......No.

Do I think we will make it and stay together and in real love....YES I do.

[2sunny]

What was so difficult that she couldn't be honest with you back then? Why didn't she come to you and say "I don't FEEL you love me and I'm considering another man that's paying more attention to me..."

 

Why wasn't she communicating and being honest?

 

Is she even capable of that kind of honesty now?

[Owl]

What was so difficult that she couldn't be honest with you back then? Why didn't she come to you and say "I don't FEEL you love me and I'm considering another man that's paying more attention to me..."

 

Why wasn't she communicating and being honest?

 

Is she even capable of that kind of honesty now?

 

These are questions EVERY betrayed spouse has to answer and cope with...regardless of the path that they take.

 

Normally, there is no 'good' answer.

 

She wasn't honest and communicating because she chose not to...and once the affair started, of course she wasn't going to do either of these.

 

Is she capable of that now? Heck...again...a question everyone has to ask themselves about their partner constantly. The only possible answer he can come back with is "I hope so...I'm betting my marriage and happiness on it.".

 

 

 

OP...again...don't let your wife 'slide' on things that are critical. Like when you asked about what she'd do if he contacted her again...you should have point blank confronted her about that, and made it clear to her that there was only one good answer. She knew it...she just didn't want to say or commit to it. That is why you need to get a good marriage counselor involved, ASAP. You need to have someone else on hand who can help call her out on this kind of stuff if need be.

[NotCamelot]

She did tell me many times over the last 2 years the felt that I did not love her. "you might love, but you're not in love with me."

 

There were many nights, before sleep, she would say, "Why don't you love my anymore?" My only response was "I do."

 

A lot of nights, she wanted sex, she has rarely been direct about it.....more suggestive. Many times after the diabetes drugs caused the ED issues, I just did not respond. I would simply just fall asleep or just hold her and say nothing....making no attempt and also not telling her why.

 

Because of that, many nights, just before sleep, she would ask, "Why don't you want me anymore?" This is her way of saying why don't you want to have sex with me anymore.

 

I truly believe that, even after my A, if I had been able to be intimate more often, if I had told her why and proved it was really medical (as I have now), and If I had just listened to what she was clearly saying to me and responded properly.....her A would not have happened.

 

Now, I am not accepting the fault for it, I do accept some of the blame. I think if anyone is in a marraige and feels unloved and unwanted, you will seek love from somewhere.....even if you know it's wrong.

[NotCamelot]

 

OP...again...don't let your wife 'slide' on things that are critical. Like when you asked about what she'd do if he contacted her again...you should have point blank confronted her about that, and made it clear to her that there was only one good answer. She knew it...she just didn't want to say or commit to it. That is why you need to get a good marriage counselor involved, ASAP. You need to have someone else on hand who can help call her out on this kind of stuff if need be.

 

 

Looking for one now.....hope to get to see someone next week.

[2sunny]

She did tell me many times over the last 2 years the felt that I did not love her. "you might love, but you're not in love with me."

 

There were many nights, before sleep, she would say, "Why don't you love my anymore?" My only response was "I do."

 

A lot of nights, she wanted sex, she has rarely been direct about it.....more suggestive. Many times after the diabetes drugs caused the ED issues, I just did not respond. I would simply just fall asleep or just hold her and say nothing....making no attempt and also not telling her why.

 

Because of that, many nights, just before sleep, she would ask, "Why don't you want me anymore?" This is her way of saying why don't you want to have sex with me anymore.

 

I truly believe that, even after my A, if I had been able to be intimate more often, if I had told her why and proved it was really medical (as I have now), and If I had just listened to what she was clearly saying to me and responded properly.....her A would not have happened.

 

Now, I am not accepting the fault for it, I do accept some of the blame. I think if anyone is in a marraige and feels unloved and unwanted, you will seek love from somewhere.....even if you know it's wrong.

 

A woman of honor and integrity wouldn't choose to cheat as the solution!

 

She also wouldn't BLAME YOU for what SHE did!

 

Good God man - she's blaming YOU - and you are ALLOWING that!

 

And for what you CAN do - oral sex! Have you never heard of pleasing your wife with OTHER OPTIONS other than your dick?

 

Get creative! Get intimacy back - get INVOLVED in pleasing her AND you in MANY different methods!

 

Take a bath/ shower together. Wash each other down. Get to know her again - let her do things for/to you too!

 

Get to counseling today! She needs to answer some hard questions- and you need to demand answers - without taking blame for how SHE participated (cheating).

 

Get to work - get in that counselors office today.

[BetheButterfly]

...

This part is hard. What or how do I get past this?

 

Hello Not Camelot,

 

Man

 

That is horrible. I am so sorry.

 

1. I think it was good that you told the wife of the man. It is important for people to know what is going on, so they can decide if they want to stay or not.

 

2. If I were you, I'd divorce. The relationship is already broken. Now, if you and her want to fix it, that's great. I don't know if she wants to though...

 

3. It would be good to get a support group to encourage you and help you through this difficult time, as well as for your children. There are divorcecare groups... I have friends who were greatly helped by divorcecare groups; one couple actually decided not to get divorced.

 

Again, I am so sorry. I am recently married, so it is hard for me to even imagine the pain you are going through. I hope the pain goes away and that you heal quickly. Please be careful not to let it make you bitter.

 

My Papaw was depressed when my Mamaw died, never thinking he would love again. However, he is now married to a wonderful lady that all of his children and grandchildren love and accept. Even though we greatly miss Mamaw, we are happy that he found love again, and think that Mamaw would be very happy for him too, since she is no longer living with him.

[2sunny]

I think head in sand (denial) keeps coming to mind.

 

You need to deal with so much right now but you've just swept it all under the rug without looking at why/what/how it all happened.

 

Betrayal is a tricky emotion. It will come back at you later if you don't uncover things now...

[NotCamelot]

Update: Things are going really well. We spend 100% of our time together with the exception of having to go to work. I realize I can't monitor any calls she may get or make from work. I want to start trusting.....so I guess that's where it starts.

 

 

We are making plans for the future, concrete plans that are "married couple" things. We are revising wills this week (our oldest just turned 18). We are making weekend trips out of town, just the two of us.

 

She never says a word when I pick up her phone or her computer and start looking. 2 months ago that would have started an argument.

 

I feel, to the bottom of my heart, that she is sincere. I am not a believer of "cut and run". There are reasons we married each other 20 years ago. Those reasons still exist. We both want things to be good and remain together forever.

 

In face, we act, talk, love......everything just like 20 years ago.

 

I am not about to throw us away because we both made a mistake.

 

There is no excusing what either of did.....we both hurt each other......we are both sorry for our actions. I also know that if my OW had been local things would probably have gotten physical as well. I am glad that did not happen.

 

Counseling -- YES.

 

We all have to deal with this type of thing on a "case-by-case" basis. I really appreciate everyone's help.

 

And.......the easy thing to do would be to part and start over. But I believe anything worth having is worth working for.

[NotCamelot]

Again, I appreciate your input, but nothing has been swept "under the rug". ( 4 weeks and 3 days, but have stopped counting until you pointed it out.) We have talked about the whys and hows. We have both admitted what we've done....we both admit faults...mine and hers.......we both want to stay together knowing that other options are there.......we both freely acknowledge that we love each other dearly and do not want to be apart.

 

And after all the talks and tears, how healthy is it that we continue to rehash each and every detail. I think it is more important to go over the hurts and get to a point where you don't bring them up anymore so that you can move forward. How can you move forward if you keep stepping backwards?

 

And we continue to make new and reaffirm old bonds everyday. I believe that is much more important than revisiting the things that hurt.

 

Sure, I will contine to have my guard up for a long time. But, to quote Corinthians 13:7, "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." We know this is true, just as we know our love for each other will heal the hurt and the wounds of the past.

 

The time period does not really concern me. Either she wants me or she does not. She has made it quite clear that she does. I do indeed want her.

 

 

 

There is no promise of any kind of tomorrow for anyone. I have always felt that true love is worth fighting for. I can assure you that I am not the only one fighting for it. And If I did not fight for this and do my part, I would never forgive myself. I could never live with that.

Edited June 19, 2012 by NotCamelot

[standtall]

Not camelot..it sounds like your heading in the right direction. I would still wait for the trust though..good luck.

[2sunny]

Reconciliation is very likely. I still think your wife is a bit narcissistic. I hope you deal with this issue (if possible).

 

That's actually for his W to deal with.

 

She may be behaving now. It would be nice to trust if/when she's NOT with you 24/7. Trust is earned.

 

Do you think/believe/trust she would tell you if/when she gets a call at work from her OM?

 

How honest is she willing to be right now?

 

What are you learning from counseling?

 

How are you two letting go of the OLD/broken marriage you once knew and starting a new M?

 

IF you keep it the way it's always been - she's likely to cheat again! What does the new M look like?

[NotCamelot]

The trust apart is very slowly building....very slowly...but I don't think that can happen quickly....it shouldn't.

 

Would she tell me if he called......I aksed her if she would and she said that she would....what choice do I but to trust her on this. There is really no way for me to know.

 

The after A relationship now is much sweeter, much more considerate of each other, much more talking, much more together time. Lots of talk about feelings, desires, wants and needs.......from both directions.

 

Counseling has shown that we both mistreated each other in the last few years......mentally that is....not enough affection, not enough togetherness....not enough passion for each other, then resentments that built because of those things.

 

Making time now for us and following through is really making things very, very good.

 

With things progressing the way they are, it is becoming much easier for me to put the event behind me. And she feels the same way about my A. My A was just 2 years ago......and she says she has been hurting since that D-Day.

 

Again, we both know and admit fault for what we've done.

 

Counseling has shown that we should not rehash the hurtful things. Discuss them, whys and hows, discuss how not to let them happen again. Get to where you put them in the past and be able to NOT bring them up again. Don't use those things as weapons. Forgivness is more for yourself than the offended party. As I have forgiven her and prove it, I heal.

 

We plan to be husband and wife and 100% true. I know you will say that is how the marriage started 20 years ago.........we know what happened -- and we know how to avoid that again.

 

I know it will take time....I know it is going to happen.

[Mme. Chaucer]

That's actually for his W to deal with.

 

She may be behaving now. It would be nice to trust if/when she's NOT with you 24/7. Trust is earned.

 

Do you think/believe/trust she would tell you if/when she gets a call at work from her OM?

 

How honest is she willing to be right now?

 

What are you learning from counseling?

 

How are you two letting go of the OLD/broken marriage you once knew and starting a new M?

 

IF you keep it the way it's always been - she's likely to cheat again! What does the new M look like?

 

Well, what about the OP? Is he also likely to cheat again? Remember, according to this tale, the only reason he is not divorced and now living with his "high school crush" is because his wife read his email.

 

They sound like two of a kind, basically. Maybe it's a good match. Maybe they both have learned something and made real choices.

[NotCamelot]

Well, what about the OP? Is he also likely to cheat again? Remember, according to this tale, the only reason he is not divorced and now living with his "high school crush" is because his wife read his email.

 

They sound like two of a kind, basically. Maybe it's a good match. Maybe they both have learned something and made real choices.

 

 

I admit, it crossed my mind for a day or two after finding out. I think it was more of a panic thing. But when I thought about it, it really made me feel much worse.

 

I know that we have both learned something and we, ideed, have made some really genuine choices.

 

And, if my OW were to suddenly come "into the picture", I would immediatley let my wife know and let the OW know that I plan to be happy with my wife from now on.... It won't happen, but if it did......

Edited June 20, 2012 by NotCamelot