My story

[NotCamelot]

My story is quite long. Though it feels like it has gone by quickly. I am a 52 yr old man who just caught his wife cheating. I discovered this for certain on the morning of May 17..... 3 weeks, 5 days, and 6 1/2 hours ago.....and, yes, I am counting the minutes.

 

First let me give you the back story.

 

Back in September 2009, I created a Facebook page. ( I know,.....the start of many marital problems.) But I did this to compete with my wife in some of the games there. A few weeks and many friend adds later, my old high-school crush joined. I admit I had looked for her when looking for other school friends. I quickly added her and saw that she was single again.

 

At first, the conversations , messages, started out as a catching up type of thing. Then it moved to private emails. I told about the crush I had on her, then it bacame romantic. Of course, she saw I was married. Then it led to my plans to be with her.......though she now lived 1200 miles away. She was 10 years single after 1 marraige.

 

Now, why did I make these moves? For a most of 2009 my wife had gotten very verbally abuse to me and our teenage (14) daughter. I still don't know to this day what caused all this. I do know that she refused to talk about it and got very abusive if I brought it up. Though we both worked 2 jobs and that may have had something to do with it. We had little time together when we weren't both exhausted.......and, due to that, the sex had become 1 or twice a month.

 

Additionally, my 2nd job was as a musician that kept me away most Friday and Saturday nights. (That is also how we first met 21 years ago.) Now, I never really spoke to other women where I performed other than in a professional manner. The point is she spent many weekend nights at home alone with our daughter.

 

She used to go with me to all my gigs when our daughter was young enough to go to baby sitters. But as she got older, 12 -16, my wife just stayed home with her.

 

My wife owned her own business (hair salon) that operated from our home property. But she worked as late as 9pm or 10pm Mon - Thur. Then she worked at that every Saturday from 8AM - until 4PM.

 

This business started in 2000 when our daughter started school.......so she could be home when she got off school bus.

 

Then in October of 2007 she went back to work at the company she left and continued to run her salon nights and Saturdays.

 

Cut to the chase: for 12 years now, we have had very little "us" time. I know this is what caused her bitterness, which led to my "online" activity.

 

January 11, 2010.....(how many of you remember exact dates of this stuff?) My wife had been acting a little distant since Christmas, 2 weeks before. We usually met for lunch during the day. On this day, she told me she needed to go home for lunch....said her "stomach was bothering her". She called me on her way back to work from the house with the "Who the H**L is ***hy" questions. I quickly tried to lie my way out of it.....

 

I had been quite careful (IT mgr).....I thought. I never used any devices at home to comunnicate. But on that Sunday night, the 10th, I had drafted an email to the OW and mailed to my work address so I could forward it on the next morning. I forgot to delete it from the Sent Items on my PC at home.

 

This email detailed that, since Christmas was over, I would start making plans to leave and to "have you for the rest of my life". She read that to me over and over. I rushed home and we "had it out" for the rest of the day and into the night. I admitted everything saying how and why it happened. She knew that there was never any physical contact between me and the OW. She contacted the OW and told her I was free to be hers. I ended all contact with the OW at that very moment. My wife added her as her FB friend as still is to this day.

 

We spent the next few months trying to fix things. Most of 2010 had lots of ups and downs .....she read my emails and txt msgs every day. And, would come to my office and go through my stuff at work. I did not care, I was committed to her and meant it. I have had no contact at all since that day. Totally 100% - my wife.

 

2011 was going really good....as least I thought. She had started trusting me a lot more and we went to Hawaii for a dream vacation on our Anniversay in May. The only thing, I left the card I got for her on an end table by the front door when the shuttle picked us up. She had something for me on the anniversary day two days later in Hawaii. I did not know that I forgot mine...until that moment. It was where I told it was when we got back home. But she secretly took that as a sign that I did not care about her.

 

I was diagnosed with diabetes in 2006. Things were ok with this at first....but some of the 6 meds that have me take have caused some ED issues. The problem is, the diabetes and meds make it worse as time goes on. She started taking the ED issues as "you don't want me". I never told her about the ED problem due to embarrassment until Decmber, 7 months ago. I don't think she really believed me. But I did schedule the dreaded doctor appoint.......who wanted to run tests.

 

Things were "iffy" now due to the ED problem. I was scared to touch her now because if things did not work, she would cry because I did not want her. And it was worse if she initiated, because it might work then quit or not at all. So, instead of telling her, I did nothing.

 

March 24th was/is a special day. It is the anniversary of the first time we made love back in 1991. It was a truly magical night out of town. We had done some "special things" on this date a few times over the years in remembrance. This year she told me we would no longer celebrate Valentine's Day (because it was my OW's birthday). She said that we would celebrate March 24 from now on.

 

She had quit her hair salon last June, closed it up. But I was still playing music. I had a lot of gigs scheculed. By March, the doc had prescribed Cialis for me to take of the problems the other meds caused.....and it really worked....but now she was not so interested.

 

On March 17th, I was playing a gig and the club manager asked me to work the following Saturday.....that's right....March 24th. Without thinking, I said "yes". I didn't think about the date at the moment. And, as a band leader, I took the job to keep my guys working. That was the only reason I was still playing anyway.

 

On Tuesday, the UPS man delivered a box to our house with her name on it. I kept asking what it was. She kept playing and smiling, finally saying "Well, go ahead. It's yours anyway." It was a beautifully engraved decoration in glass, to me, with an inscription and the date 03-24-2012.

 

I spent the next two days trying to come up with something "better"....and with problems at work and the upcoming gig, time got away from me.

The 24th came and there was an incredibly beautiful card for me that morning, with a really touching handwritten inscription of how much she loved me. I had nothing for her.

She took that really hard and told me that night that "it's over, I'm tired of trying. You don't love me or care or you would have done something." She said "don't do anything for our anniversary either".

 

I begged forgiveness, explaining what I had been going through at work and with the band.

 

The next day things were a little icy. But a day or two later things seemed ok and I though she got over it and accepted my apology.

 

The first week of April, I noticed that she was acting a little strange. We have a 7 ft couch that reclines on each end. She always reclines on one end while I recline on the other. She always has her laptop on her lap. Suddenly, this week, she would started to sit at an angle where her screen was not visible to me. Never before.

 

Then she started getting at 5:30 AM during the week instead of 7AM. She leaves work after I do (7:30). For the first couple days I did not worry. She told me she was getting up to fix breakfast for our 17 yr old daughter. Turns out that was a lie.

 

I started getting up early and as soon as I walked into the room, she would quickly turn so that I could not see the screen.

 

This was going on for all of April. Third week of April, she told me that one of our friends was having a "Adult Sex Toy" party at her house and wanted her to come. I did not worry as she had been to a couple of these over the years and got stuff for us. On Sat, the 28th, she asked me to sit next to her on the couch and look at sex toys online to pick out "something for us" . Of course, I did.

She left the house and returned about three hours later telling me that they did not have anything we did not already have.

 

The next few days went by. I would be sitting there and her fingers just flying on her keyboard. If I leaned in that direction, she would shift even more. If I asked what she was typing so much, she said "just looking stuff up, is that OK with you".

 

The on May 1st, she tells me asks me if she should take a day off work.....she had not been treated very fairly there lately. Of course, being very support, I told her that she should take a day off so that her boss would see what all did not get done without her there.

 

So, she tells me she is taking off on Monday the 7th. That she is going to go shopping to a place about 25 miles away with our neighbor. We spend Friday night, Saturday night and Sunday in expensive restaurants, and I fill her car up with gas on Sunday the 6th.

 

On that Saturday, the 5th, our daughter was out for a few hours. We are sitting there on the couch and she has the laptop, turned away from me. Suddenly she smiles really big and says, "You want to go the bed and get naked?". I jumped at that opportunity. She asks me if I took one of my pills (Cialis). I told No......but every thing worked great....and we were quite vigorous....both wanting each other. Then she fell asleep in my arms for the first time in months.

 

On Monday, the 7th, she calls me at 8:45AM to tell me she is leaving to house to get the lady neighbor. Shen then called me from a "bathroom" at 12:45 to tell me they stopped at the restroom and described all the clothes our neighbor had bought for her daughter. And that they had more shopping to do. She then called me a 3:47 to tell me that she was driving home.

 

She then called me on my way home at 5PM. And for the first time in months, she was calling me "baby" and "sweetie". I thought the day off work had really done the trick. But when I got home, I went to her and kissed her. While kissing her my hand roamed down between her legs. She quickly moved my hand away. Never before had that happened, EVER.

 

All this time, there were plenty of "I Love You"'s on the phone and in person. Our 20th anniversary was two days later on the 9th. I had spent a lot of time on the 7th getting flowers, candy and balloons ordered. I went out a lunch (since she was not with me) and picked a really nice card and a Diamond Bulova watch for her. (Yeah, while she was screwing him I was out spending lots of money on her.)

 

On the morning of the 9th, I work her up with the card. She read it and pointed out that I missed a word. She kissed me goodbye and told me she loved me. Later, I asked her to meet me at a nice restaurant for lunch. Right before she left to meet me, the florist delivered. She texted me a picture of the balloons.

 

She was oddly very quiet at lunch and wiped away a few tears. I did not understand. At the end she got in her car. Visibly upset. Teary eyed. I leaned down to kiss her and got a quick corner of the lips kiss. I said I love you......and she quietly mumbled it back to me.

 

She called me at 3:30 on her break. She asked me why I couldn’t “just leave things the way they were.” I told her I loved her and was showing it. She said, "I told you it was over".

When I got home it was a completely different household. No more hugs, no kisses, no speaking. She started wearing a night shirt to bed (always naked before). I reached out to touch her in the night and she roughly knocked my hand away.

 

We were planning a graduation party for our daughter for the 20th, and getting ready for the graduation on the 18th. Things were really busy. But, if I said I Love You, all I got in return was "Uh-Hunh".

So, obviously wondering what was really wrong and what I could do, I started getting up early with her. On the morning of the 16th, she was already up. I went to the living room where she was already on the computer. I sat down beside her and she quickly tried to push me away saying "don't sit next to my you haven't had a shower yet." I said "well you haven't either". She clicked away for a few keystrokes and left the room.

 

I picked up the computer and facebook was open. But I did not look closely at it. She was back in bed asleep at this moment. I took a shower, dressed and went back to living room. I heard her get up and get in the shower. I then went back to the computer. The Facebook page was open to a user name I had never heard of and it was a name that was not a ‘human” mane. The next tab was a yahoo tab. So clicked on it and it was an email sign in page. So I clicked in the area where you put your username and the field filled in an email address I had never heard of that was similar to the Facebook name.

 

Wonedered the rest of the day about that. When I got home, her computer was off. I turned it on and went to Facebook and Yahoo. The login fields automatically filled in the usernames I had seen that morning. I turned it off and when she got home she was using the computer immediately. About an hour later, she announced that she was “going to fix supper”. While she was in the kitchen, I picked up her computer. Facebook was on and logged in to the fake page. There was only ONE friend and there were no details…..no wall posts, no news feed, and no messages. So I quickly sent a friend request to her real Facebook page. I logged in to her real page with my iPad and accepted the friend request.

 

About an hour later, she came back to sit with her computer. At this point she was sitting “straight” so I could see what she was doing. She quickly closed out everything and restarted Facebook. Logged in to her real page. She looked around for a while. Then I saw her scrolling through here “friends”. This went on for a while. Then she suddenly shifted so I could not see for a little while.

The next morning, May 17th, I got up and she was already on the couch typing away. I took a shower and got ready to leave. When she got in the shower, I checked the computer. Looking at where she had just been…..Facebook with the fake login.

 

I made note of the Yahoo login name and the Facebook login name and went to work. Now, I am an IT Manager…..so the next part was really easy. I hacked into her fake Yahoo email account and there were 52 messages that were mirrors of the fake Facebook message conversations ALL from the only friend on the fake page. I quickly printed them all. Then I changed the password. I hacked into the fake Facebook page, unfriended him, changed the password.

 

I had checked her cell phone call logs for the previous 20 days. I had a few numbers that I had to trace a I did not recognize them. 1 traced back to the OM mother, one to his house, and 2 went to his work places.

 

I then called him at work. I verified that it was him. Then I said, “If you don’t stay away from my wife, ********, I am going to call *******. Do you understand me?” ( said his wife’s name ) There was a very quiet pause and he said, “I don’t give a s**t what you do, buddy.” He hung up.

 

Less than 5 seconds later I called my wife’s work number (because she would have to answer). I said, “I just got off the phone with *****.” There was stunned silence. Then in a very whispery, but angry, voice, she said, “Why do you want to go and make somebody else’s life miserable? Maybe I’ll just give miss **** a call.” (referring to the woman I was involved with 2 years earlier) I told her to go ahead, I had not talked to her in over two years….call and find out….said she’d have to find a number because I did not have it. She hung up on me.

 

I immediately got busy finding the OM’s wife. Left her a message at her work. While waiting, my wife called me back. She wanted to know if I had talked to his wife. I told her, not yet. I then lost it and started asking a lot of questions……the big one…..did you go with him when you were supposed to be shopping “last Monday”. No response. I said, “did you have sex with him that day”. The response was, “I am not going to lie to you.” I said, “I am not asking for a lie, it’s very simple….answer me, yes or no, did you have sex with him?” She said, “yes”.

 

I was in our employee parking lot at work for privacy. It hit me like a gunshot. I fell to my knees. I really don’t remember what the rest of that short conversation was. I only remember what I just said.

 

A few minutes later the OMW called me. I told her who I was, who my wife is….she knew my wife’s name. I told her what I know and about the emails I had printed. She wanted copies of them. She said that he told her he had to go to work in Atlanta the day my wife was “going shopping”. She knew that the two of them had dated 22 years ago. She and he had been married 17 years, 2 young kids – ages 4 and 7. She was on the way to their daughter’s kindergarten graduation. She said she’d have to call me back in a bit.

 

I tried to do a little work but couldn’t. I called my wife back and blasted her with a lot of comments, questions, whys and whats…..she said she could not continue the conversation at work. She refused to meet me for lunch for the first time ever.

 

The OMW called me later in the afternoon. I told her everything I could and all that I knew. She then told me that she had an affair about 8 months ago and he found out……they had been trying to work things out. She knew my wife from 21 years previous….not friends, just knew. She gave me a little more info about their dynamics.

 

My wife then wanted to meet me at lunch time in the back parking lot of a restaurant to talk. I was worried about that as it was strange that she asked to meet me at that type of location. I asked if she was coming alone. She sarcastically replied, “Why, you gonna kill me?”. In reality I wondered if the OM was going to be there for maybe something like that.

 

When we got there, she wanted me to get in her car. I lost my cool – completely. In 21 and a half years, I have never raised my voice to her for anything. I got in her car and yelled, “So did you suck his **** like you do mine?”. She rolled her eyes, and simply said, “Please”. When I started telling/yelling things I had read she started crying. I said that she and he planned the “shopping” trip that day to have sex. She said it was not planned, that it just happened. I told her that I saw where he texted her “I’m here.” And then texted “I’m in 237”…..just before she left our house. I told her I was not stupid and there was no need for a hotel if sex was not planned. She said “you have to have somewhere to meet someone.” I angrily yelled, “Do not treat me like I’m stupid. He went to get a hotel room and you waited to know the room nmber before you left the house.” I told her I saw where he texted her “I hope you had fun in the shower” and asked her if she was masturbating about him…..and she replied, Yes. I told her that I saw where he was trying to force his wife to fill out a Marital Separtion Agreement a few days before. I told her I saw him tell her, “everything will be alright if we move slowly. I don’t want to bring shame on my family. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

 

She told me that she felt trapped and she needed to move out. She said that she needed to be alone to find out if she still loved me…..or him or anyone. She wanted me to let her go. At the moment, I had no idea how someone who had not lied to me for over 20 years was being so deceitful to my face. She wanted me to let her go with a divorce and after few months we could start to build our relationship back to what it used to be.

 

I told her the affair had to stop. She kept saying that she didn’t want me to give my info to the OMW. I asked her if it would stop. She said, “What choice do I have?”. I told her that was not an answer. She repeated it. I asked again. She repeated it. Again, I said that I needed a yes or no answer. She said that if I would not give the OMW the info then, yes, it would stop that day. This ended with that after an hour of her crying and me yelling and a little crying from me too.

 

I left work a little early to get home at least an hour before my wife. On the drive home the OMW called me again. Her husband had gotten home. She blasted him and he confessed to everything. He told her about the sex that day. He also told her about another sex episode that occurred on a Saturday afternoon when my wife went to their house and their bed. This is the day that my wife told me she was going to a “sex toy shopping party with the girls”. The woman was absolutely furious because it was in her bed with her children home while she was at work. She made several deadly threats toward my wife. She said he told her they were supposed to meet that very day after work for sex again. My wife had said, for two days, that she had some shopping to do after work that day.

 

She said, “he told me that he had told her he loved her, but that he really doesn’t. He said he told her he was going to divorce me to be with her.” She said that she told him to “Leave, go get her if you want her.” She said he was currently inside the house and she was outside. She said she knew him very well and he was not going anywhere and he really did not love my wife. That it was more of a “revenge” type thing. She said he could not afford to leave her anyway. That she would be getting $950 a month in child support alone.

 

I got home and checked all my wife’s internet history. She had been looking at Georgia Child Support sites for 3 weeks. She had been looking at real estate sites searching for a house. She had been looking at adult sex oriented lingerie sites for 2 weeks. She still does not know that I know this……but I am an IT guy so with all the other things I found, she probably knows I saw that.

 

She got home and went straight to the bedroom. I wanted more answers and she was extremely upset and the only thing she wanted to know was if I was going to give the OMW the info I had. She wanted to know if I had talked to the OMW. I told her that I had and that she wanted copies of the messages. I told her that the affair had to stop right that minute. Not another contact at all except to tell it was over. My daughter was in the front of the house alone – but she knew I had been checking up on her mom…..the relationship between the two of them had been strained for about a year. I went to check on our daughter. When I went back down the hallway, my wife met me in the hallway with “You talking to her just sent me straight to him, thank you very much.” She continued to the living room……to the computer.

 

She said she was going to bed at about 8PM. I let her go alone. After she was asleep, I went to her computer and continued to look for anything else. There was nothing else to be found. But I did log in to my Facebook page and sent a friend request to the OMW.

 

I went to bed around 11PM. She woke up. I told her that I found out that the sex was not one time. That I knew it had happened on the “toy party” day. She replied that “it wasn’t sex sex”. When I asked what that meant she said, “Ok, it was sex”. (A week later she told me that it was limited to oral sex that day.) I asked her what he had to say to her earlier that day. She said he called her that morning right after I called him and told her what I said to him……and wanted to know if she was ok. She said she had not heard from him since. I told her what the OMW told me and that he told his wife that he said he did not really love her and was staying with his wife.

 

The next morning, the 18th, and graduation day for our daughter. She texted me at about 8:30 saying, “It’s over, you don’t have to give her that information.” It took a few messages back and forth to get her to say, “yes, ****** and me, it’s over. My life is back to what it used to be……whatever that was.”

 

I asked how that came about. She said that he called her a few minutes before that. She said his wife “became furious when you sent her a friend request. She said she wants us out of their lives.” She said that the two of them admitted to each other that they still loved their spouses and had too many years invested to throw it all away and they should not speak to or see each other again.

She said, “I can’t believe you called his wife and told her what you found.” I told her I was only fighting for her because I did truly love her…..and that if I had found out and did nothing, what would that have said….. I told her that I wasn’t sorry for anything. I did what a man who loves his wife should do…..and she should feel lucky that I am a non-violent man….things could have gotten worse. I had pictures of him at work, at home, work addresses, pics of his house, wife, kids, home address, mothers phone and address, pics of mothers house, property records, etc….. I could have done a lot more including something physical…..but I had not.

 

I asked her to go to lunch with me. She said yes. My daughter called and wanted to meet me for lunch too. So I asked my wife if that would be ok considering the events. She was ok with that. But she had tears streaming from her eyes for most of the time. I just don’t know to this day that the tears weren’t for the OM breaking things off because he had everything to lose.

 

We got home that evening and had to get ready to go to our daughter’s high school graduation. While getting ready…she told me, “you have to promise not to hurt him. You can’t give his wife that information. I will be gone if you hurt him.” I told her that as long it had stopped I would do nothing further.

 

We went to the graduation. We treated each other very, very well and had a great time. We met with a lot of family and friends….took tons of pictures.

 

We went out to a late dinner at our daughter’s favorite place with friends. Our daughter and friends went out and the two of us went home. We talked about our daughter and her friends a lot. When we got in, she wanted me to put the pictures we had taken on her computer so that she could add them to Facebook. We were sitting together and going through the pictures. When she would get to one of my and our daughter (there were several), she would stop and just stare for a couple minutes. Then she kept going back to those pictures. She started making comments “I really like that picture.” She only added the pictures of me and our daughter to her page.

 

Our daughter texted to say that she’d be home around 2AM. We went to bed at 1:30. My wife pulled on a nightshirt and lay face down on the edge of the bed. I got in bed. The TV was on, more for a night light than anything. I could tell that she was crying. I asked her “what’s wrong?” She said “My back hurts”. I got across her and rubbed and massaged her back for about 20 minutes. She would not look at me. She still was crying some.

 

A few mintues later, I whispered to her to turn toward me. She said, “Why?”. I said, “Because I want you.”. She said, “I don’t understand how you could want me anymore.” Then she started crying harder and turned toward me. We talked for a few minutes and that led to us kissing and I accepted some of the fault for what happened and apologized for what had happened 2 years previous. She told me several times, through tears, that she was sorry and that I did not deserve what had happened. We made love for the first time since 2 days before meeting the OM for the “shopping”. It was just like it used to be 2 years ago.

 

That was on a Friday night. We had a graduation party planned for Sunday. We had so much to do that we did not get time to do a lot of talking. But we made love Saturday morning, afternoon and night. And again Sunday night. In fact, we have had sex more in 3 ½ weeks than we did in all of March and April.

 

Since then, I keep bringing up things. I have done a LOT of crying……with her. We both have professed a great love for each other. And we have re-comitted to each other. We are currently booking a return trip to Hawaii that will include a ceremony to renew our wedding vows. It is said that, something good comes out of something bad. We are now in love like teenagers all over again.

 

We went to a club to see a friend perform and we knew ahead of time that the OM and his wife would be there. She said we did not have to go. But I insisted, still not knowing how I or anyone else would act/react. It was an opportunity for me to cross a mental line and find out if I could deal with a living memory. I had to go.

 

We got there early, they came in about an hour later. She was holding my hand and she squeezed it and said, “Here they come.” Because of where our table was, they had to walk straight to us, just within inches from me and turn to go to a table. Through the next two hours he had to walk by me several time to go to the restroom. Each and every time my wife would squeeze my hand and look away. It took a lot a strength not to get up a flatten him. But she had told me many times over the week that the fault was 50/50. But she also told me that it was over, she wanted me, and wanted to restore us. She wanted me to know that the fact that they would be there should not be a problem for her – there would never be a reason to worry about him ever again.

 

She told me that he had asked her to marry him months before we met years ago. She admitted that she always had loved him from back in 1989…..and probably always would. But she wants me and is in love with me….not him. I can understand. She is my 2nd wife. I am her first and only husband. I still have a small place for my first wife. I think this is true for a lot of people with a past.

 

She has cried with me many times over the last few weeks. We have been inseparable. In fact, we act like we did the first few years of marriage. Make love every night, some times for hours. And we talk a lot afterward. We talk a lot about how we feel. We talk about things we should have been talking about that would have prevented either of us doing what we did.

 

I don’t trust her. She knows that. I told her that I forgive her. She had told me, even just a few months ago, that she would never forgive me. But now she has forgiven me.

 

I truly feel that we are going be ok…..back in love. She says the same thing. I am still checking phone records, computers, emails, text messages. I cannot find anything to suggest any contact, and she tells me there has been no contact.

 

I believe her. She believes me.

 

Now, I have said all this to ask you…………How do I deal with the images of those two days. I keep seeing things in my mind……did she do this, did she let him do that……I am sure you know what I mean. I think of her sitting by my side looking at sex toys "for us"......then leaving my side to go to him and oral sex then coming back to me 3 hours later as if nothing happened. I think of the meeting on the "shopping" day. Her calling me to detail all the things our neighbor had bought.....and now I think this call was just to be sure of where I was.

 

This part is hard. What or how do I get past this?

Edited June 13, 2012 by NotCamelot

[NotCamelot]

Additinally, she says that the only reason her affair happened is because she was certain that I did not love her....though she still loved me all the while.

[Spark1111]

Well, NC....if you had ever had the opportunity to meet up with your FB sweetie, what DO YOU think you two would have done?

 

Sip tea and play cards all night?

 

Emotional affairs will lead to physical ones; the attraction is new and intense and the brain chemicals produced are as addictive as heroin.

 

People lose all judgement as they slide down the slippery slope of infidelity. They will lie and connive and plan and deceive to find a way to keep those "feel good" brain chemicals coming; very similiar to the adolescent brain on lust or drugs. Just as rebellious, too!

 

When affairs are exposed to the light of day, the shame of those actions help to burst "the fog" the affair partners dwell in. How delusional would you be to sacrifice your marriage, your legacy to your children for some feel good stolen moments.

 

Isn't that what happened to you when your wife discovered your words to your high school crush? Did you not feel foolish and stupid about mentally masturbating to a computer screen with a woman you hadn't seen in years?

What made you do that?

 

Often, emotional endearments to another woman are MORE wounding than the sexual act. For men, it just may be the opposite where the sexual mind movies consume them.

 

Time, transparency and COUNSELING with a qualified marriage therapist who has some expertise in infidelity, both emotional and physical, should be started immediately.

 

If you do not get to they WHY of both your affairs, this will arise again in the future.

 

Great marriages do not just happen by serendipity. Two people have to work every day to create them. It takes time, devotion, respect and consideration EVERY DAY to keep the bond and the boundaries strong.

 

Get busy reading, researching, learning and have patience for the process as it resembles PTSD and can take 2 to 5 years IF all is done properly to TRULY overcome it.

[jnj express]

Revenge A/Exit A-------

 

The visions---will not go away, for a long time, if ever

 

She and her lies will trigger them----your sub--conscious is what you are fighting with---sometimes it helps to get every little detail---so there is nothing left to the imagination, and no gaps to fill, maybe you will heal who knows

 

You still may have a problem, with her thinking of him---as in her fighting with you about hurting him----there needs to be NC, no matter what

[2sunny]

Nothing has changed except YOU forced the A to end.

 

She was crying because she knew it was over with her OM.

 

Yet you had sex with her. Hysterical bonding - google it.

 

Your W is cunning and sneaky. All right in front of your nose.

 

She LIES! You CAN'T trust her at all! She hasn't done ONE thing to find out WHY SHE cheated!

 

She has work to do about addressing what is broken inside her... And why she would treat you so terribly! You have work to do to understand WHY YOU would even take back such a liar and cheat without her EARNING BACK YOUR TRUST!

 

You forced the ending - but you can't make her NOT think of her OM.

 

I wouldn't trust her either. When the dust settles and you get busy instead of checking up on her every move - shell screw him again.

 

She's not the wife you THOUGHT she could be - the M isn't the M you THOUGHT YOU HAD!

 

I caution you - you took her back without her doing the hard work necessary to prove she was willing to change herself. What you have now is a broken hearted woman that stays because she couldn't have the man she wanted.

 

You are now second choice- that sucks!

 

I commend you for being strong and telling his W.

 

When she asked you to protect him - THAT was WAY over the line for her to even ASK!

 

I think your wife is only sorry she got caught - not sorry she cheated - IG difference!

[2sunny]

Additinally, she says that the only reason her affair happened is because she was certain that I did not love her....though she still loved me all the while.

 

That's not right!

 

She's not allowed to pin HER BAD BEHAVIOR on you!

 

She needs serious counseling!

 

She needs to own the way SHE participated - and quit blaming ANYONE ELSE FOR HER CHOICES!

[whichwayisup]

Wow, I can't believe I read your whole thread..So long but very detailed. Boy you do have a memory for details..

 

Anyway, two wrongs do not make a right. You both messed up, cheated in two different ways, sure yours wasn't physical but it was with someone you were in love with and knew from your past, you almost planned a new life with the OW but you got busted. If you hadn't been busted, what would have happened?

 

You both have to decide if your marriage is worth fighting for. And if the love is still there. Do counseling together and apart..

 

One person (you) can't save the marriage or even try to fix things if she isn't ready to or doesn't want to.

 

I say kick her out and let her see how life is without you. Separate and tell her you're going to talk to a lawyer. Then back off and leave her alone.. Let her go.. If she comes back, you state the rules again and how things are going to be (what you mentioned in your post) or she can stay with the OM and not come home. She will be emotional and desparate, so watch for manipulation.. Don't allow her back home with you until you know the A is over and she's really ready to work with you to fix the marriage and she's genuinally remorseful for her choice to cheat on you.

[YellowShark]

Facebook...Facebook..Facebook.. I bet that word is used in 97% of all posts here.

[NotCamelot]

A couple days ago, she was talking about finding some family info on the internet. I told her I would do the detective work and help her. She said, "About your detective work....you know, I didn't really care if you found out. I thought you did not love me and so I told you it was over.... so it didn't matter. I figured you'd be looking."

 

I told her about her finding out about my A and that I was actually relieved in that I could not continue that way....and realizing that she was the one I really loved.

 

I asked her how my finding out felt to her. She said, "It's over. It's the past. You have me and I have you forever. You are the one I love."

 

And, though I haven't said it to her, I wonder if her current actions are all some kind of plan that the two of them have to keep me "happy" while he gets his wife out of the picture (without OMW getting any ammo from me)......then my W going to him at that time. Maybe I am reaching for ways to invision the worst.......I hope.

 

In the last week, she accepted my request to renew our wedding vows in Hawaii next March 24th. We are booking the flights and hotel now. We have also decided to have a pool and pool house built.....something we wanted for a long time......she has just invested a lot of her money into home decorations last week and we are going to get more tonight. And, since the house is paid for and was mine before I met her, it makes me think she is really serious.....She could not take may house.....so why spend her own money redecorating unless she plans to be there.

 

She is taking me everywhere she needs to go, doctor appts, shopping, family estate closing today, etc. In the clothing shops, is buying clothes that I like and putting back the ones I don't like....she is "dressing for me". In fact, this morning she wore a dress, jewelry and shoes, that I picked out last Saturday.....when we got in the car I told how good she looked. She smiled and looked right in my eyes and said, "just for you, my baby"...then took my hand and held it for the entire 10 mile ride. ( She pays for all of this, we have had separate finances for 20 years.)

 

We started riding to and from work together 3 weeks ago. I pick her up for lunch. She calls me at her morning and afternoon break times.

 

If she's acting, she deserves an Oscar.

 

I appreciate all your comments/help.....I really do.

 

I do feel like we are on the right track.... I feel really loved again, and she said she does too.

 

The emotional roller coaster I am on is a rough ride.

Edited June 14, 2012 by NotCamelot

[standtall]

I call it "satan's notebook". It can be a real home wrecker for weak marriages.

 

Notcamelot..I'm with the OP here that said she was crying only for the loss of her OM. I wouldn't trust your wife at all at this point for a couple of reasons.

 

1. During your discovery her main concern seemed to be about you not hurting the other man.

2. You discovered the affair..she did not confess it. That is a big difference.

 

3. He rejected her to work on his marriage..she did not initiate NC or anything else..another big difference.

 

INHO when his attempt to repair his marriage fails, and most likely it will, he will be back on your wife again, and she will let him, and there will be nothing you can do to stop it.

[NotCamelot]

 

INHO when his attempt to repair his marriage fails, and most likely it will, he will be back on your wife again, and she will let him, and there will be nothing you can do to stop it.

 

I have asked her several times now that if OM was suddenly available what would she do. The reply was always the same. "I'm yours and you're mine. All I really wanted was for you to love me.....and now I know you really do."

 

She said she told him on that last "break up" call "good luck to you, I hope things work for you but we can never talk again."

 

I know it is certainly possible that she is saying what she thinks I want to hear. But, I have to say, there is a lot of "proving it" that is going on as well.

 

And, though I did not say it in earlier posts, your comment is the biggest fear that I have.

 

Do I tell her that I feel insecure in that respect.....that I fear that she will go to him if he becomes available?

[NotCamelot]

You should know better than anyone how good of an actor one needs to be when they are cheating. You simply do what you need to do in order to keep the affair going.

 

And it's not like she hasn't had any practice either. She knows what it takes as well.

 

Honestly, I have known her since she was 19. I have to say, I really believe her. I have seen actions, more than words, that are so real.

 

In one of our love making sessions, afterward, we were talking about feelings. She had tears in her eyes, lots, and when I questioned, she said, "I am so glad we have found each other again....I have missed you for so long. I really love this and I love you loving me."

 

 

This is but one example. There are a lot of talks about feelings.....no more talk about what happened. Bringing that up hurts me more.

 

I have forgiven, now I will see if I can ever forget.

 

Someone mentioned the Hysterical Bonding. After reading up on that, Yeah, I guess it is. But now that I know that, I think back to her finding out about my A. The same thing happened then in reverse. I did not know why at the time. But I guess I do now.

[Owl]

Well...I'm going to be something of a dissenting voice here.

 

You may consider doing a look up for my posts here back in 2004. The comparisons in our stories is eerie.

 

I'm not an IT manager...but the work I do now and what I did years ago kind of lends itself to an ability to gather intel. The way you started noticing that she was turning her screen away, etc... as well as the way you finally got your "proof" by hacking her accounts...same story as me years ago.

 

Even the way that you "busted her" and forced the affair to end, and now you're dealing with how she had to grieve the loss of the affair relationship.

 

So...take a look at my story.

 

And here's the voice of dissent from everyone else.

 

My wife felt the same way yours did after her affair was discovered and busted. She didn't "voluntarily" give up OM...she was forced to, just as yours was.

 

That does not spell doom and gloom like many believe...my story is an indicator that not all recovery stories have to start with the WS being repentent/etc...

 

We're now several years recovered...and interestingly enough, we're getting ready to renew our vows for our 25th anniversary.

 

So here's my advice...

 

1. CONTINUE TO MONITOR HER LIKE A HAWK FOR NOW. You need to do this for two reasons. First...as long as she doesn't resume contact, it is the best way for her to DEMONSTRATE her trustworthiness (now) to you. Second...it'll help her keep from "slipping" in a moment of weakness (my wife did about a month after we started recovering...and that was the last contact, ever).

 

2. Marriage counseling. You need a "safe place" to work through everything. You need a counselor who both of you can work with, who doesn't appear to "take sides", but knows how to help your marriage deal with what it's going through as a result of all of this.

 

3. Realize it's going to take YEARS for the two of you to work through this. It's not a sprint to the finish...you've signed up for a marathon.

 

4. Setup specific times/places to discuss the affair(s). Keep a journal. Have designated start/stop times. And END IT when the time is up...use your journal to mark where you've stopped...let it go until the next discussion. And have a treat for yourselves after the MC sessions and discussion sessions. It's going to be some emotional WORK.

 

The one thing I can't help much with is how to deal with the fact that she PHYSICALLY was with him. I didn't have to deal with that in my own situation, luckily. But I think the dynamics remain the same.

 

KEEP POSTING!

[NotCamelot]

Thanks Owl. That helps....not that everyone has not tried, I do appreciate all comments. But it certainly helps to hear from someone that really did make it through where I seem to be going.

 

I probably will always keep some amount of "monitoring" going. I know a lot more about what to watch for now, that's for sure. Though she is a very smart woman and I think that if she wanted to really keep it a secrect, I would never know......especially after she got caught. I know that I learned a lot when I got caught.

 

We just had a great time at lunch a few minutes ago. I avoided the subject for most of the hour. But like most conversations now, there was some of the time that it came up and we had a great talk.

 

We talked about the relationship of the OM and OMW. I told her that based on the facts I know, I don't expect them to be together much longer. She looked directly into my eyes and said, "I am not going anywhere." She smiled and held eye contact with me for a long time.

 

She said, "I know that the problems with them are not my fault. They already had problems. I also know that our problem is MY fault. All I ever wanted was for you to love me. I know that you do..and we are going to fix this and have a great life together."

 

As I took her back to work, I said, "If ****** ever contacts me I will let you know she did and explain to her that she should never contact me again. I will let you know the full details if that happens." I told her, "If he contacts you, will you tell me?" She said, "If I ever hear from him, I'll take care of it. Don't worry." I asked, "Will you tell me?" She said, "Why when that will just depress you again?" I told her that I wanted her to promise to tell me if there was any contact that I want to know right then and there. She said, "OK, I will."

 

I know that love is blind. I just don't want to be so blind as to become a fool.

 

I really believe her......of course, I want to believe her. But I believed her during April and and part of May as well.

 

She seems to really be trying hard to hold me now.

 

Regardless, I do love her.

[standtall]

That does not spell doom and gloom like many believe...my story is an indicator that not all recovery stories have to start with the WS being repentent/etc...

 

 

I have read your story Owl, along with 100 others that are similar here. Add that to some couples that I know, and I hate to say it, but your in a minority... a small one. Most men don't deal with their wives cheating well since in most cases it means that the wife has already emotionally check out of the marriage. But, there are no absolutes with human behavior, so I wish the OP luck.

[Owl]

She said, "I know that the problems with them are not my fault. They already had problems. I also know that our problem is MY fault. All I ever wanted was for you to love me. I know that you do..and we are going to fix this and have a great life together."

 

As I took her back to work, I said, "If ****** ever contacts me I will let you know she did and explain to her that she should never contact me again. I will let you know the full details if that happens." I told her, "If he contacts you, will you tell me?" She said, "If I ever hear from him, I'll take care of it. Don't worry." I asked, "Will you tell me?" She said, "Why when that will just depress you again?" I told her that I wanted her to promise to tell me if there was any contact that I want to know right then and there. She said, "OK, I will."

 

I know that love is blind. I just don't want to be so blind as to become a fool.

 

I really believe her......of course, I want to believe her. But I believed her during April and and part of May as well.

 

She seems to really be trying hard to hold me now.

 

Regardless, I do love her.

 

Right at that point...you should have told her the truth. "Because right now, I'm working on rebuilding my faith and trust in you...and this is something I need to know that you'll do as part of that process. Worry less about hurting me with that information, and worry more about what damage NOT telling me could have on our marriage and recovery. Communication and trust is what needs to be rebuilt...this is critical towards it."

 

Make sure she "gets" that, clearly.

 

One of the patterns I've noticed already is that she has a long built up HABIT of not telling you the truth, straight and to your face, even when confronted directly.

 

Let her know...that has GOT to change.

 

Have you started marriage counseling? This needs to be brought up and addressed in a session...ASAP.

[Owl]

I have read your story Owl, along with 100 others that are similar here. Add that to some couples that I know, and I hate to say it, but your in a minority... a small one. Most men don't deal with their wives cheating well since in most cases it means that the wife has already emotionally check out of the marriage. But, there are no absolutes with human behavior, so I wish the OP luck.

 

I think we'll have to agree to disagree.

 

From my experience here, and previously (long ago) on SI, MB, and other sites, as well is in life...it's not that uncommon of an experience that in the beginning stages after an affair is "found out" and ended like this that there is some short term resentment.....but the WS comes around, and recovery and reconciliation take place.

[NotCamelot]

There really seems to be more comments about how my situation and others are doomed to fail.

 

I don't really belive that. I have total faith that my marriage can and will be saved....maybe even for the better.

 

Point in fact, years ago my former sister-in-law walked in to find her husband in bed, in the act, with anothe woman. That was 26 years ago and they are still married.

[NotCamelot]

 

Have you started marriage counseling? This needs to be brought up and addressed in a session...ASAP.

 

No, that has not been brought up yet. Due to my job, I personally know most of the counselors in my city. I really don't want to go to someone I know with this. I feel it would be better with an unknown person.

 

I am looking and will find one really soon. I know that I/we need it.

[2sunny]

I have asked her several times now that if OM was suddenly available what would she do. The reply was always the same. "I'm yours and you're mine. All I really wanted was for you to love me.....and now I know you really do."

 

She said she told him on that last "break up" call "good luck to you, I hope things work for you but we can never talk again."

 

I know it is certainly possible that she is saying what she thinks I want to hear. But, I have to say, there is a lot of "proving it" that is going on as well.

 

And, though I did not say it in earlier posts, your comment is the biggest fear that I have.

 

Do I tell her that I feel insecure in that respect.....that I fear that she will go to him if he becomes available?

 

This is such BS!!! Shes "pinning" you not loving her enough on the reason SHE cheated? NO WAY!!!! NO WAAAAAY!!!!

 

Being at he mercy of whether or not HER OM becomes "available again" - and when when that may happen - is like waiting for WHEN someone may pull a trigger - she will cheat - just depends on WHEN her OM resurfaces when things fall apart on his side.

 

I say REQUIRE that she do SERIOUS counseling!

She cheated - yes - but there's no way it was YOUR fault!

 

You also need IC to find out why YOU cheated emotionally.

 

Until you both know - you're just two BROKEN people stuck together - not even any glue to repair it...haven't even looked at the cracks or why it is broken - so no need to repair it! Like a vase that's broken - you fill it with water and it leaks... Never noticing that it's cracked and should be repaired... Denial is very harmful. Look at your M as DAMAGED and in need of major repair!

 

Instead you two just act like the base needs filling ---> never mind That it won't hold the water.

[2sunny]

Your W lies ---> and does her lies right in front of you... What makes you think she's not gonna lie to you now?

 

You can't tell me her feelings for her OM just went away - poof - in one instant!

 

She's still thinking and plotting and hoping that some day she may see him... You are played for the fool.

 

YOU gave her a BACKRUB when she was balling her eyes out missing her OM!

 

Come on man - that is pathetic! She didn't even want to LOOK at YOU and you offer her a rubdown? Gross! And pathetic!!!

 

Stop "buying in" to her crappy offer of pretend love!!!!!!!

[NotCamelot]

 

You can't tell me her feelings for her OM just went away - poof - in one instant!

 

That's the same thing she said to me on Jan. 11, 2010.....regarding my OW. But the fact is, everything did stop.....instantly. I had a lots of thoughts about my OW for a while. Every now and then I will wonder what she is doing now. But there has not been another "romantic" feeling since I was "found out".

 

I have proof that her A lasted 6 weeks from beginning to D-Day.

 

Can she do what I did? I don't know. But I want to find out. I feel like I should give her the chance she gave me. Would she not deserve the opportunity?.....same consideration she gave me?

[2sunny]

That's the same thing she said to me on Jan. 11, 2010.....regarding my OW. But the fact is, everything did stop.....instantly. I had a lots of thoughts about my OW for a while. Every now and then I will wonder what she is doing now. But there has not been another "romantic" feeling since I was "found out".

 

I have proof that her A lasted 6 weeks from beginning to D-Day.

 

Can she do what I did? I don't know. But I want to find out. I feel like I should give her the chance she gave me. Would she not deserve the opportunity?.....same consideration she gave me?

 

It only stands a healthy chance IF you two get honest! Stop pretending - and get to counseling TODAY! Call for an emergency appt!

 

You aren't dealing with "what is real" yet!

[Owl]

2sunny...usually I agree with your advice...but you're not seeing a couple of things here.

 

Her feelings aren't going to "flip like a switch" once OM is removed from the picture. Hers won't, my wife's didn't.

 

She is going to grieve the loss of that relationship to some degree. My wife did.

 

The "pathetic" comment about him giving her a backrub while she was grieving...I've got to tell you I almost find offensive myself, because I did very much the same thing in the very first stages after d-day.

 

He's demonstrating love and forgiveness...and...as long as he pairs that with the insistence that the affair remain ended and they work together towards rebuilding and reconciling the marriage...from my personal experience he's doing the right thing.

 

It worked for me. I can't give it a better endorsement than that.

 

Now...he's got to find the BALANCE in here...loving, with iron resolve. Too much either way, and it fails.

 

I think he's on the right tack...again...as long as he balances those loving actions with FIRM RESOLVE AND INSISTENCE on identifying boundaries and enforcing them.

[jnj express]

Everything seems to be wonderful, considering---It all seems to be going well------she is allegedly doing all the right things----I have one question for you

 

WHAT DOES YOUR GUT TELL YOU??????