I need to get over myself.....quick!

[DEABQ]

I am supposed to be married in a couple of weeks (2nd for both of us).

 

I have an extensive sexual past (not bragging, in fact ashamed by my behavior).

 

I always said I want to be with someone "better" than me.

 

Met a great woman and we hit it off. We are compatible in every way, including sexually.

 

I don't like talking about my sexual past, numbers, hook ups, experiences, etc. She seems to have no problem asking me about it and hearing the detail (again, she asked).

 

I always thought she was a great virtuous woman who had a little bad luck because she had been involved with her ex (not a good guy by anyone's measure, including his immediate family).

 

Last weekend she decides to tell me previously unmentioned details about her past (I DID NOT ASK). It included drug use while married (not college fun, educated professionals), sleeping with a married man after the divorce, and lots of promiscuity.

 

My image of her was shattered. Yes it was the past. Yes she said they were bad decisions. BUT nonetheless, she is/was not who I thought she was.

 

I FULLY ACKNOWLEDGE that I seem like a judgmental hypocrite. That's not it. My problem is that I was blindsided and disturbed by these revelations. I have yet to process them. I don't want to lose a great relationship of something I won't care about in a while . . . Provided I can put those images out of my head and into the past where they belong. I don't want to judge. I am not worthy of being a judge, nor is anyone.

 

I need some perspective. I need to get over something that had nothing to do with me.

 

Any advice??

[reboot]

Yes. Get over yourself. It was before you, and you aren't exactly a saint yourself. Seriously, get over yourself.

[Krytie TV]

Yes. Get over yourself. It was before you, and you aren't exactly a saint yourself. Seriously, get over yourself.

 

Profound and informative! Thanks for sharing!

 

OP, you sound like you are much like the way I am. I have been in the same situation as you except I do not have the past that it sounds like you do and my partner was not quite so unscrupulous. Given that, I'll tell you what I did... grin and bear it. It's the kind of revelation that makes you maybe a little nauseous to think about, maybe even find yourself sweating a bit when you're thinking about it. I advise that you just get through every day as it comes. The feeling will pass and you will numb to it. In fact, you will get to the point where you might think about it in passing once every 6 months or so, and then it's only for a minute.

 

So, I can't help you get through it, but you can get through it if you just surrender control of the situation and give yourself time to process. By the way, the person I went through this with is now my wife and we are incredibly happy, so don't give up on her yet!

[DEABQ]

Thank you Krytie. I appreciate your experience with the same issue. Time will tell and I realize that it is MY issue, not hers, that needs to be dealt with.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I think it's better she told you now even if you didn't want to know. You still have a choice and can decide if you can handle this new info or not. Ultimately only you can decide. Do you think she's a different person than what she said she was in the past? Do you love her regardless of the answer? She wants you to love her for who she really is and took a huge risk by telling you the truth. I think she did the right thing and you should have some respect for her honesty imho. Still it's your decision, don't jump into something you can't handle, but don't miss something you'll always regret passing up Hehe, sorry for the vagueness, but you have to decide really.

[DEABQ]

Thank you Ninja,

 

She told me she thought I should know before we got married and not after because I have always told her how I grateful I am that she accepts me along with my past.

 

She did indeed take a huge risk telling me the truth. I worked counter-narcotics in South Ameica while she and her husband were yuppies on blow. My first wife had an affair and it broke up two families.

 

I love her for who she is now. Fortunately, she loves me for who I am and not who I was. I was unlovable and incapable of sustaining a relationship not too long ago.

 

She has an uncanny ability to forgive and forget. Her ex did some really awful things to her and her child and she still had compassion for him many years after the divorce when he accidentally took a fatal combo of pills and booze.

 

The decision is mine. You are right. Losing a relationship because a few mental images are hard to stomach would be the stupist thing I have ever done ... and I've done a lot of them!

[Gagirl]

Why do women feel like they need to share all? Seriously, when or if a guy asks you about the past, just say you were in a couple of long-term serious relationships and leave it at that. Several of my friends had men who were deeply in love with them and set to marry until the friends decided to disclose all. They would be married with kids now like they wanted if they would have left the past where it belongs.

[MissBee]

Why do women feel like they need to share all? Seriously, when or if a guy asks you about the past, just say you were in a couple of long-term serious relationships and leave it at that. Several of my friends had men who were deeply in love with them and set to marry until the friends decided to disclose all. They would be married with kids now like they wanted if they would have left the past where it belongs.

 

If disclosing all means you lose the person...most likely they weren't meant for you.

 

Lots of people try to present the perfect image to "bag" a man or woman, and it works for but so long, and they either have to make sure their past NEVER comes up...or they still lose the relationship anyway if it comes to light.

 

If I'm gonna marry someone, I wanna know the good, bad and ugly, so that when I choose to marry them, I know all of it and I'm not marrying some perfect image they presented, only to be disappointed later. I don't want a man to choose me because he assumed I was a virgin or some perfect woman. I want him to know it all and STILL choose me.

 

DEABQ...take the time to process it. How long have you guys been together? It is weird that she would constantly ask you about your past, yet never mention hers until now, when she had PLENTY of opportunities. You said you thought she was a great virtuous woman. Why? Is it simply because she said nothing so you assumed? I ask, because in relationships we project so much on to our partners sometimes and don't actually take the time to know if what we think is just on the surface or actually true. Also, did you ever ask her about her past? If not, weren't you at all interested? I think it is good that this is coming up now...it will give you guys an opportunity to know each other more, redefine your relationship or how you communicate etc BEFORE you walk down the aisle.

[GLDheart]

Alot of your old assumptions about her are no longer valid. The "new information" is causing you to rethink the person as you know her.

 

For me, I could easily get over her past. In fact, seriously thank her for the truth regarding her risky behavior. HOWEVER, She must have had some serious issues to live that way.

 

BEFORE a wedding it would be wise to know if she still has those issues and if so, can you live with them "till death do you part"?

[RiverRunning]

People of the world, this is why a 'no discussing my past' policy is vital. That includes if you're asked about it. The next time a girl wants to ask details, you say, "I don't think we should talk about our pasts. Besides, who needs a past when you're my present?" Yes. Cheesy lines and all. Flattery can work to distract plenty of people.

 

Nothing good ever comes out of discussing a past sexual relationship. VERY rarely, you might get a woman who's turned on by hearing about your past. More likely, you're going to reap jealousy, insecurity, and unwanted mental visualizations of your sexual past. And if you're still in contact with an ex-paramour while you're dating someone else...good luck.

 

She brought up her sexual past with you because you discussed yours with her. She probably thought it was an open, two-way street after that point. You implicitly gave permission for her to discuss her own past when you agreed to discuss yours.

 

GLDheart brings up some good points. I'd say the first course of action should be getting tested for STDs. It should be discussing how long it's been since she's resorted to sleeping around. What motivated her to do it the first time around? Did she sleep with a married man because it made her feel desirable after her divorce?

 

Rather than seeing her as 'the slut who slept around after her divorce,' ask lots of questions about the feelings and emotions that motivated that behavior. Maybe instead you will come to see her as, 'a woman who was seriously grieving and felt unattractive, and she was desperate to find someone to approve of her.'

 

And give yourself time to process this information. 'Getting over' an ex's past doesn't happen immediately. While my situation with my ex was rather...dissimilar, it did involve aspects of his past. I know that some people can handle information like you've heard within weeks, some within months. For me, it took about 3 years to finally process and mostly move on from my ex's issues.

[GLDheart]

"what you don't know won't hurt you."

 

 

In healthy relationships that couldn't be further from the truth. Examples to humorously illuminate my point:

 

- If you don't know they have an STD. Would it hurt you?

- If you suddenly find out they like "open relationships" after you're commited to them. Would it hurt you?

- Had secretly hid that they are unable to bear/father children, when you always dreamt of them?

- Were once gendered opposite of what they always told you?

 

In my opinion, a relationship is about honesty and acceptance. It's when one of those two items goes missing that the relationship becomes doomed to fail.