My Daughter is Invovled with a Recovering Addict (Heroin)

[Turd Ferguson]

Hello,

 

A Google search brought me to this forum. After reading some of the threads, I see that there are many knowledgeable people here that can hopefully give me some advice.

 

My daughter just turned 23 years old. She is a very young 23! She goes to school at a community college and is doing well with her grades. Several years ago she was involved with a boy that was verbally and emotionally abusive to her. He controlled everything in her life. That relationship ended (i will spare you the details) She started a long term relationship with a great guy. It was a one sided relationship and she was constantly taking a bus to visit him. She soon grew tired of this and broke up with him to date her now current BF - "Bob".

 

When I first saw him, I got the bad vibe- very skinny, always tired, rolled his own cigarettes, always drinking coffee. My wife (my daughter's step-mom) is a Cognitive Therapist and quickly pointed out to me that she feared there was some type of substance abuse going on. I unfortunately wear rose colored glasses quite often and told her to stop being paranoid.

 

Fast-forward a year - to today. I received an e-mail from my daughter explaining to me that Bob was indeed a recovering heroin addict. She went on to explain to me that he has been taking suboxone for "the past few years" under a doctors care and that the doctor recently lowered his dose.

 

She was upset that he blew her off for a date they were supposed to have. He then text messaged her saying that he had a bad day... he had quit his job and he decided to stop taking the suboxone on his own.. and that his ultimately relapsed.

 

She tried calling him to no avail. She has not heard from him since yesterday.

 

I called my daughter after receiving her message. She was crying and worried that I would think of "Bob" as a bad person. I explained to her that I do not judge people, nor is my focus on Bob right now. Relapsing to heroin, I explained to her not only puts him in immediate danger, it poses serious health risks to her. She is so naive, (or I am for believing her) she thought he went to CVS to get hypodermic needles. I explained to her rather frankly that an addict does not care how they get their next fix - they just get it. I further explained that her having unprotected sex with him put her at risk for a variety of diseases including Hepatitis and HIV/AIDS. My advice to her was to walk away. Bob will be fine, but she deserves to be with someone that does not carry that type of baggage.

 

Don't get me wrong, I realize there are many addicts that can stay in recovery. This young man, has not. Being a loving father, I want nothing but the best for my daughter and don't want her to live her life with someone that has to endure a life long addiction. The odds of a "typical" life with a former junkie are not good.

 

She is coming over to spend the night tonight and talk. I just want to say the right things to her. I'm just not sure what they are.

Edited June 13, 2012 by Turd Ferguson
(I spelled Involved wrong in the title - sorry)

[wow04]

I am a recovering addict with 9 years clean. Yes some of us get the help and stay clean and some don't. It is very hard to get clean. It took me 3 years of trying to finally get it.

 

When in active addiction, us addicts, are liars, theives, and selfish. All we care about is getting that high and will do anything to get it. We don't care who hurt. It is sad, but the truth.

 

I don't know the whole story, but it doesn't sound like he was living any kind of 12 step program. I am not saying you have to, but I did and still do. I had to change everything about me and live the program daily.

 

Your daughter is very young. She has no idea what she is getting into. If I were in her position I would set boundaries. Either go to rehab and work at recovery or I am leaving, is what I would tell him.

 

As a parent myself, I feel for you. We only want what is best for our children. I wish you and your daughter the best of luck. I am so sorry both of you are going through this.

[jsb58]

I am a recovering addict with 9 years clean. Yes some of us get the help and stay clean and some don't. It is very hard to get clean. It took me 3 years of trying to finally get it.

 

When in active addiction, us addicts, are liars, theives, and selfish. All we care about is getting that high and will do anything to get it. We don't care who hurt. It is sad, but the truth.

 

I don't know the whole story, but it doesn't sound like he was living any kind of 12 step program. I am not saying you have to, but I did and still do. I had to change everything about me and live the program daily.

 

Your daughter is very young. She has no idea what she is getting into. If I were in her position I would set boundaries. Either go to rehab and work at recovery or I am leaving, is what I would tell him.

 

As a parent myself, I feel for you. We only want what is best for our children. I wish you and your daughter the best of luck. I am so sorry both of you are going through this.

This. Everything in this post is true. My wife was in recovery years before I met her. She still works the steps. I don't think I would have married her had we met earlier in her recovery because she didn't have the track record. Your gal's BF doesn't have the track record either so you're right to worry!