winston55 Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 I"ll try to keep it short. Male, late 50's, wife late 40's. One child just graduated from college, married close to 20 years. I'm took early retirement, and she had a business that closed recently. Mother in law lives with us, and is a MAJOR problem. Ever since January or so, my wife has been going out to a club, that she been going to for several years by herself, more and more. And then to every weekend. Now she helps out there for the weekends. Also, our intimate moments have been decreasing to almost nothing. I received a phone call from one of her relatives that she is planning on moving out the weekend I was out of town. And also said she wanted out of this marriage for quite some time. She never did move. There were a lot of other nasty things being said, but you get the gist. I managed to find the right time to ask her about it. She didn't say a thing, but told me: "she likes to speak her mind." Didn't deny it either. She wants to move to find HER TIME, but wants to wait a couple of weeks to think about it. THEN SHE wants to move, temp so she says, leaving me with her mom and the expensive rent. "This will cause my mom to move". since THey don't get along. Yea, right, "I am never happy and she cannot do things to make me happy", she said. Ok. "Things will never change, and you won't either". So I'm not sure if I now want to move out or wait until she does. Also she has said some tall tales before and never followed through with them. This time seems different. Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 Any suggestions?Any particular reason MIL lives with you? When was the last time W had a thorough physical, including blood/hormone tests? When was the last time you and she went out to the club she frequents? Suggestions: Gather up the pertinent details of your marital financials and do some advance planning with a couple professionals (lawyer and financial advisor). See what's what. You don't have a lot of useful working years left and reversals can be devastating at this age. Crunch the numbers for getting MIL out of your home Learn how to nod your head and say 'I understand xxxx'. In other words, agree and re-direct. That your wife of 20 years would think to move out while you are away smacks of, save for genuine fear of abuse, an unhealthy interactive and communication style, in that she can't even face her husband and deliver painful news. Lastly, if she has a pattern of frequenting the club, it might be worth a few bucks to have a professional tail her. Get that out of the way. Get ready for a rough ride. No matter where it ends up, it ain't gonna be easy. Welcome to LS Link to post Share on other sites
DEABQ Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 Move out. Show her you won't be walked on. If she doesnt have the time to be intimate with you but would rather hang out at the bars in her late 40's and look like a desperate fool, let her. Also, her mother is her responsibility, not yours. Show her you mean business and I think it will cure her. **My opinion presupposes that you are the "good guy" in this situation, so if you have things that you need to work on that caused her to act this way take care of them first** 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author winston55 Posted June 14, 2012 Author Share Posted June 14, 2012 (edited) MIL is almost in need of assistant living(66yrs, COPD, diabetic, mentally unstable). I do not work and they got into fight forcing W to stay away, based on legal advise. MIL likes to give W a bad way to go since MIL can't get her way, like a child does. No kidding. W says she is looking for a place for her, but I can't tell if there is any serious attemps at this. MIL is a serious treat to this relationship and/or W is also using it as an excuse. Perhaps both. The club she goes to is very small and everyone knows who's who. Once I walked in several years ago, to ask about a surprise party there for her, and within hours she knew about it. WE have gone there only a few times at night. last time "we" were there, a friends' boyfriend, whom I do not know, said: "our marriage is on the rocks because of MIL, and I don't do anything. Nothing at all". The owner whom I know, just starred at me without saying hi or anything. Red Flag. The few other times I was there, I felt like a third wheel. Financially, I would be alright by myself. But I would have to move up north to our rental house presently being occupied. She on the other hand, would not be so good. Personality type of W is very alpha. When we had worked together, it just wasn't right. I'm a perfectionists, and she is more of a generalists. W is very stubborn, like MIL, and exaggrates things when it's benefical for her. A discussion of ill topics, is an argument and a fight, according to her, like guess who. On her behalf, I don't work, since early retirement. Even thought I bring in some money, I don't do enough. Hobbies seem forbidden unless there's some money to be made, while she is out working. If so, my retirement would be in jeopardy and would get penalized heavily. I would love to get out and at least work part-time, just to get away from MIL. And give me a sense of "self" again. I don't like being in that situation. I got a feeling two things are going to happen. First, she will be leaving since daughter has graduated and this is finally the release "from prison" time. Or she'll stay and continue on as she pleases, leaving me in a bad disposition and wondering WTF. Again MIL is also like this. MIL is also bi-polar. We'll see next week after the paycheck comes. I would lay money on the latter of the two. Edited June 14, 2012 by winston55 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 What I don't hear is what YOU want out of all of this? Right now...first answer that pops into your head...if your wife left you today would you be hurt/upset, or relieved? Do you want to stay married to her, given all that you've described here? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 From further reading, the words of a fellow member in regards to my divorce came to mind, to wit : 'Your wife simply didn't want to be married to you anymore'. My response was 'Correct, but my mistake was in not adequately planning for that potential'. Don't make the same mistake I did. I see a lot of commonalities. What I heard from my best friend during/after the divorce sounds a lot like what you heard at the club. It's taken me awhile to recover my social circle as a result. Things that are said and done behind the scenes can materially damage a person. Don't underestimate a woman who doesn't want to be married to you anymore. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author winston55 Posted June 15, 2012 Author Share Posted June 15, 2012 I would like to stay together w/o MIL. This episode with her wanting to leave will never be forgotten, irregardless of any outcome. IMO, daughter graduates, marriage over might be the turning point. If so, bring it on. But don't keep me hostage over it either. She is so use to running around it will be hard for her to stay at home for periods of time. Right now, she reads and is in a bad mood whenever she is at home. I know the symptoms are there, but for now, there's not much to do if she has her mind made up. I will try to treat her like when we were newly weds, continue to talk more about it in due time and be patient. Final note: This is a wonderful forum. There's more info here than any counselor's office and it's free. At least, it will make one think about their relationships in a different light. And it's hard to write about it let alone believing it is happening. I'll be in touch if any other changes are made Link to post Share on other sites
Author winston55 Posted June 17, 2012 Author Share Posted June 17, 2012 Well, just about 2 hrs ago, she asked for the actual separation. I was accused of saying terrible things, but it doesn't matter. She wants a "temp" separation to see how it goes. I know how it's going to go: Permanent. It will be uncontested, she just wants out. Finally, a decision was made. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 17, 2012 Share Posted June 17, 2012 Nothing is permanent until the ink is dry on the divorce decree and/or one or both of you are dead. In life, anything can happen, and often does. It ain't over 'till it's over. Like I said, buckle in... Link to post Share on other sites
g450 Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Why do they always say "temp separation". They always say that but it almost always leads to infidelity and then divorce. Would not be surprised if she had a guy hiding in the woodwork like mine did. I was in a similar situation to yours but no MIL to contend with. I feel for you. From my point of view your wife is a mirror of my XW. She has checked out of the marriage a while back. She just didnt have the guts to tell you. Lawyer up and start planning on leading a single life again. Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Why do they always say "temp separation". They always say that but it almost always leads to infidelity and then divorce. You just answered you own question, thats why the answer should always be no. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 A separation is almost always a means to pursue someone else. You cannot work on a marriage while separated. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 A separation is almost always a means to pursue someone else. You cannot work on a marriage while separated. Not me. I separated for peace of mind and to get away from a violent wife. No other woman. Besides, getting involved with another woman is stupid if you're in a divorce case because judges look down on that. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Not me. I separated for peace of mind and to get away from a violent wife. No other woman. Besides, getting involved with another woman is stupid if you're in a divorce case because judges look down on that. Separating intending to divorce is completely different than separating to "work on the marriage". Link to post Share on other sites
wheream_i Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 THEN SHE wants to move, temp so she says, leaving me with her mom and the expensive rent. "This will cause my mom to move". since THey don't get along. Yea, right, She wants YOU to live with HER mom? You gonna let her make a decision like that for you? F*ck that. Be a man. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 Separating intending to divorce is completely different than separating to "work on the marriage". How about separating to be able to collect your thoughts in the craziness. Not everyone knows what they want while the $hit is hitting the fan. Link to post Share on other sites
Author winston55 Posted June 22, 2012 Author Share Posted June 22, 2012 Well, after she accused me of talking some crazy, I mean crazy stuff, about her, the next day she walks in and hugs me and said that I'm a nice guy and bla bla bla. I was left wondering WTF? Had a talk with a close family member, and I was told she wanted to fly solo for quite sometime now. I mean not just months, like 8 years ago. Well, I kinda had that figured out, but couldn't pinpoint it. And like all the rest of ya, things started to make sense. Kinda like the camera lens finally came into focus. There's your update. We'll see what actually happens next. In matter of fact, I beginning to like the idea of having my own place. Might be lonely and depressing at first, but the positives are looking like they outnumber the negatives. Until the next post. Link to post Share on other sites
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