Abandoned Wife

[bluemoon68]

My husband and I have been married for 15 years and together for 18. Our marriage was a difficult one for many of those years. Easy at first, then many years of us both not honouring our vows, and his drug and alcohol abuse. Through all of the F***ed up years, we never stopped loving each other. When I found out that he was abusing cocaine, I told him that he needed to go to rehab, that I would not participate in a relationship with a coke addict. (my father died of addiction) We have two children, my daughter who was 2 when we started dating and is now 20 and our son who is 14.

He went to rehab, and has been actively participating in a twelve step program. It took a long time before I was able to trust him, but we went to counselling with the goal being to save our marriage. He lived away from our home when he first got out of treatment, but came home after about a month. We were not sharing a bedroom at that time. After a few months of counselling and seeing the changes that were happening in him through his twelve step work, I decided that I was ready for us to truly be married again.

Right around the time of him having one year of sobriety, we made to decision to truly get remarried. We bought new rings to symbolize our new start. We were married in the catholic church by our parish priest. For both of us it was a fresh start, a way to truly put the past behind us. We didn't ignore the past, we talked about it, we apologized for our wrongs and made the decision to put it behind us.

As far as I knew, from that time forward, everything was fine. It wasn't a fairytale, it was a marriage that sometimes was messy. He never expressed any sort of discontent or unhappiness, not once. We did of course have an occasional fight, we're human, but they were never huge fights, just the kind of arguments that people have who are sharing a life.

Six weeks ago, he called me at work and asked me to meet him on my way home. He wouldn't tell me what was up, just that he needed to talk to me. The whole drive I was imagining what it might be. My first thought was that he'd broken his sobriety, possibly my mother died, or that he'd had an affair.

We met in the parking lot of a coffee shop. He got in the car and told me that he was unhappy and no longer wanted to be married to me. He wouldn't tell me anything else, just that.

Since that time, I have asked him repeatedly what is going on, he says he doesn't know any more than what he told me. He can't articulate it. Everyone suggested that he was having an affair, including his mother. I refused to believe it, I couldn't imagine that it was possible. He told me that he was staying with friends and was moving into his own apartment on July 1.

A little over a week ago, he let something slip, he had taken our son to church and came inside before going home. I asked him if he needed any furniture for his apartment. He said no, that Laura was moving from a big house to a smaller house and had some furniture he could have. I asked him who Laura was, dreading the answer as I asked the question. He said she is his roommate. At that point I asked him to go for coffee because I didn't want to start a discussion like that in front of our kids.

Once again, I asked him who Laura was, and he said that she is his roommate. I expressed that I was under the impression that he was staying with a couple, and he said no, he was staying with this woman. I asked him if he was dating her and he said no, that they are friends and both newly out of marriages and that it wouldn't be right. I asked him if I should expect that he will be dating her in the future and he said "who knows what the future might bring, but we are very fond of each other."

I couldn't continue the discussion at that point. I had been in complete shock and denial up until that moment. I believed that he needed to work some things out and that he would do that and come home.

The reality of the situation has come crashing down on me.

I love him so much. He is flawed and human with human failings, just as I am, but I always believed, through everything, that there was nothing our marriage couldn't survive.

He has told me that she and his feelings for her are irrelevant and only a small factor in our marriage ending. I have tried to get him to see that his view is being clouded, but he denies it.

I know that I have damaged whatever hope there may be by unleashing the crazy train on him a time or two (or twenty). I keep hoping that somehow I'll reach that part of him that once loved me, likely all I'm doing is disgusting him or making him think I am pathetic.

He still won't tell me any concrete reason for him leaving, just a vague statement that he was unhappy. Today I sent him a text and asked him to meet me for coffee, he refused. I told him that he has three choices, he can come and have coffee with me at lunch, meet me for coffee after work, or I would go to her house. He told me that if I showed up at her house that he would call the police. I told him that if he wanted to add having me arrested to everything else he is doing to me that is his choice.

He met me for coffee.

I gave him a letter that told him that I meant our vows and that I still intent to live up to those vows. I told him that I love him and that one day he will realize the mistake he's made and want to come home, when that day comes my heart will be open to him. I told him that I realize that he is going through something, that right now he views me as an obstacle to what he wants but once he's through it, I will be on the other side of it waiting for him.

 

I wish that was all that happened, but of course I cried and begged and pleaded for him to come home. He cried, he said he loves me, he said he misses me, but that he knows that we are not meant to be married. When it was all done, he wanted to hug me, but I refused and told him that if I hug him I won't let him go.

 

What else do I do??

[whichwayisup]

Im sorry for your pain..

 

Basically I think he allowed himself to get close to this Laura woman during your marriage and maybe he hasn't physically cheated on you but he has emotionally. He is attached to her, that intensity has taken over which is why he is so detached from you. I know it hurts reading this, but just know that he does love you but isn't 'feeling' it because of his choice to get close to someone else. He's a real selfish shi.t to do this to you after you worked hard to work through his drug issues.

 

Up to you, but find out who her spouse (husband) is and talk to him. Maybe he can help you find out more information.

[bluemoon68]

I'm worried about doing something that may drive him away forever. Although likely I've already done that.

I don't know anything about her husband, although when I asked I was told that they separated months ago.

 

thank you for replying

[nobmagnet]

i send u a hug. i cant think of anything else you can say to him. Bar waving a magic wand you seem to have to wait. I know/think its rotten and difficult . He seens to have lost himself in a dream thats a wanky crap bloke thing..............hang in there if you want him. even if he is a moron xx