Question/poll about seeing an ex again

[dng]

Hey folks,

 

I'm wondering about something here, I'd like to get the opinion of everyone who wants to answer it and get a general idea, as I seem to not have an internal compass on this.

 

My ex left me about two years ago after about nine years together, she's now 30 and I'm 37.

 

The breakup was really messy, she lied about a bunch of stuff. I did my best to keep it together and leave her space but it was hard because she didn't really know what she wanted, did the whole breadcrumnbs thing, would write me about coming back all the time but wouldnt show up and things of that nature.

 

Everyone here told me there was probably a guy involved and I wouldnt believe it but it turns out there was.

 

I really blew a head gasket and told her to get lost, in so many words, it wasnt pretty..

 

She did her best to keep in touch for the next two years, offered reconcialiation of bunch of times but never really followed thru.

 

I saw her again for the first time about 1 month and a half back. She's come to see me three times since. I'm really not doing well in my life and she's trying to help but seeing her makes it even more difficult.

 

She's not been doing well herself at all. She suffered a stroke last year and has short term memory problems, she also developed heart problems, etc..

 

Overall, her leaving really destroyed both of us, she's really full of regrets and she's physically aged.

 

One last detail, last xmas she was supposed to come see me, she said many wonderful things, how she would fix my heart, make it up to me and do everything needed to fix this. On the day, she changed her mind, lingered a few more days and then changed her mind about coming and wanted me to come see her instead (we live 200 miles apart after she moved when she left), which I declined, I couldnt do it.

 

She told me this weekend that shortly after xmas, she met a wonderful guy and they dated, but it didnt work out. I looked at the timing of things and it looks like she showed up 2 months ago right after this ended.

 

I feel totally cheated that she cancelled on me at xmas, after all the things she told me, to go on dating that guy and then when that doesnt work, she tries to come back to me.

 

Am I being a child, a retard?

 

Or I am just respecting myself? I dont want to be her plan B.

 

She says she never loved him and he just made her feel a bit better for a while. She says I'm a part of her and she cannot live without me.

 

I dont know what to think exactly. I feel I should stay the hell away from that woman.

[jenniferq36]

yes.....stay very far away............delete her number or better block her number......

 

Trust me...she is stringing you along nice and neat......

 

Things will get better eventually on your side....till then believe and keep faith.....

 

Relationships should be fun and loving ....not meant to be difficult 24/7.....learnt it the hard way ......

[wilsonx]

Am I being a child, a retard?

 

 

I got a warning for telling you this in your last thread but since you asked ... YES!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/322202-saw-ex-after-almost-two-years

 

WE ALL TOLD YOU THIS IN YOUR LAST THREAD. You did not listen at all. Not only that you reported me for telling you that. Now you come here and post the question I knew you were going to ask in the future?

 

Your actions were the exact same as hers. You can't nor do you have the right to judge her when your actions were exactly the same

[dng]

I wanted to add this.

 

She told me he has nothing to do with me, or with love. She says it felt good to feel desired by an interesting and well rounded up person.

 

I have to add that this woman is a wall. She will not explain herself, and tells me she doesnt need to justify anything she's done to me, end of story. That's how she phrases it and it makes me really mad, each time.

 

She said she came for the first time 1-2 months ago because its the first time she's felt strong enought to confront me about what she did and what happened.

 

I'm so very confused about how to handle this. For now, I've told her to forget about me, that this was the last straw and I dont want her in my life.

 

She also says she is dying... The whole thing seems so crazy to me, but I have loved her long and hard, and I've pulled her from the ditch and make her (and thus us) so much better when we were dating, I always protected her and had her best interest at heart.

[dng]

I got a warning for telling you this in your last thread but since you asked ... YES!

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/322202-saw-ex-after-almost-two-years

 

WE ALL TOLD YOU THIS IN YOUR LAST THREAD. You did not listen at all. Not only that you reported me for telling you that. Now you come here and post the question I knew you were going to ask in the future?

 

Your actions were the exact same as hers. You can't nor do you have the right to judge her when your actions were exactly the same

 

Uh. I never reported you, I dont snitch and I fight my own battles. You stay of my thread, you are a negative influence.

[wilsonx]

im a negative influence? I called you out on your actions being the same as hers. You can't look in a mirror? and see that

 

Anyone with half a brain and even a 21 year old girl called you out on it.

 

Oh you fight your own battles too? Why post on a forum instead of going to fight this battle?

[dng]

im a negative influence? I called you out on your actions being the same as hers. You can't look in a mirror? and see that

 

Anyone with half a brain and even a 21 year old girl called you out on it.

 

Oh you fight your own battles too? Why post on a forum instead of going to fight this battle?

 

Oh screw you, internet bully. I'm out. Thanks for ruining this for me. Dick. I'm here to get help, not to get insulted. Cheers.

[BDranger]

dng,

 

You need to stop being so defensive and actually listen to what others have to say. You're not perfect, welcome to the club. We are all here trying to help you - the sooner you can take the advice of the many, of the experienced, the faster you will recover.

 

I don't care who you are in the real world - you're the newest one in ours.

[dng]

dng,

 

You need to stop being so defensive and actually listen to what others have to say. You're not perfect, welcome to the club. We are all here trying to help you - the sooner you can take the advice of the many, of the experienced, the faster you will recover.

 

I don't care who you are in the real world - you're the newest one in ours.

 

I hear you... I feel very low, very bad about the situation, you know? I really need help and I can't find it in me to know what to do..

 

That guy came in another thread a while back - and acted like a complete tool. However good or bad his advice was, I didnt need to feel even lower than I already did...

 

I'm far for perfect and to be honest, I'm dealing with so many contradicting emotions for one thing... And I feel a real fight between what I think is right and what I want. I'm a complete mess and I need help.

[Boulware58]

Me and you are in the same exact position buddy. My woman is having this "meaningless sex" escapade and she told me it was because of my job working midnights I was never available when she wanted it. Me being the poor sap, and obsessive freak that I am, still wants to take everything back, or atleast just pretend it didnt happen. I scare myself since that I have no self-esteem anymore, and i'm afraid if she crawls back i'll take her back.

 

 

That's when friends like us have to take a stand. I've re-told my story to plenty of others, and they'll tell me that it's gonna be the same thing if you fall back into it. There are plenty of red flags that told me to get out, but I was always so blind. Don't be blind to it anymore, you do deserve someone who wants to be with you, and aren't able to have someone else even able to make them feel a "little bit better". That woman should only have eyes for you, and she then wouldn't be so dumb to mess up what she had.

 

 

There is someone there for you, just like there is someone for me, we just haven't met them yet.

[dng]

There is someone there for you, just like there is someone for me, we just haven't met them yet.

 

I hope you are right, I so hope you are...

 

I've dated models, engineers, doctors... That girl I'm talking about is a phd in something I wont mention..

 

She's the only woman I ever loved and I'm so very confused. She tells me I'm the love of her life, and blah and so on... I just dont know what to do, I feel like she is cheating me, I feel like she has no emotions, she doesn't care about what I do.

 

Its even harder because I can't even talk to her. She is like a wall... For years I was so sure she was the one for me, and now that this is gone, I just feel like I have nothing left to live for.

 

She tells me she is utterly destroyed, regrets every day, and yet, I dont see her fighting for it... I dont understand it..

[Boulware58]

I hope you are right, I so hope you are...

 

I've dated models, engineers, doctors... That girl I'm talking about is a phd in something I wont mention..

 

She's the only woman I ever loved and I'm so very confused. She tells me I'm the love of her life, and blah and so on... I just dont know what to do, I feel like she is cheating me, I feel like she has no emotions, she doesn't care about what I do.

 

Its even harder because I can't even talk to her. She is like a wall... For years I was so sure she was the one for me, and now that this is gone, I just feel like I have nothing left to live for.

 

She tells me she is utterly destroyed, regrets every day, and yet, I dont see her fighting for it... I dont understand it..

 

I understand completely, for the last 5 days i've wanted to die, felt like nothing was to live for, even when she told me she regrets making mistakes and she's so torn, it's exactly the same as you said...she isn't fighting for it. Instead she's coping with someone else and getting intimate with them trying not to think about me, while i'm at home begging for god to take the pain away. If it was true love, we wouldn't be experiencing this pain, we've gotten walked over because we refused to tell the one we loved the word NO. You have to take these thoughts, and this pain and misery, and use it as the fuel that you put in your car to drive you in the right direction.

 

Your dream woman could be a district manager for a retail store, or an accountant, you never know. You could get pulled over by a female cop that has the hots for you, and that's how it starts. I'm trying to start looking out for the best, it's hard, because I was so used to having that intimacy once a week at least to cling to and make myself feel good, and i'm afraid of going without it for months, but I can't let it control me like I have been for all these years.

 

You're strong, you're trying to better yourself already, it can only get better.

[dng]

You're strong, you're trying to better yourself already, it can only get better.

 

I'm really sorry that you feel so bad..

 

I wonder what it says about me, what it says about you, that we've been driven so low over this.

 

Often I think I just need to be stronger, that nothing is worth feeling so low. I look at her, she says things, but she seems fine.

 

I wanna try to express something here. When she left me, I felt so horrible, for weeks, and later on I learned that she was with a new guy 24/7, having a good time, having lots of sex, and just generally trying hard to get better and to move on. Yeah, she wasnt feeling 100/100, but nothing like the hell I went thru.

 

I also feel horrible when I think that all this has happened, and alot more that I dont want to find out about, and then after two years she wants to come back.

 

It feels as if whatever process I underwent and whatever pain I felt, was for nothing..

 

Perhaps I wear that pain like a medal and I expect it has a value, and that's a stupid mistake that I'm making?

 

It seems unfair to me, and again, I wonder what it says about my character, you know?

 

I just feel horrible and I dont know how to make it stop. A real man wouldnt be in this mess often comes to mind..

[dng]

I want to add that I got over a breakup before. Something like 12 years ago, after a two years RSHIP, and it was HARD, but I got over it in about a year or so.

 

I remember walking away from it with a set of rules, what I would and wouldnt do again, what type of woman would be good for me and what type wouldnt... I remember thinking ressentment was on the top of my list of things to avoid, and so on.

 

I had it very, very together, and finally found "the right girl" after two years or so, the one from my current breakup. Turns out I explained all those things to her - how to be careful, how to making things last, what ruins relationships and what makes them work - and she would nod and agree, and tell me she gets it.

 

She told me recently that in truth, she was 19, she had no idea what I was talking about but it sounded great and she loved me even more for it.

 

I'm getting to the point where I think the real problem in all this is me, and my lack of proper judgement. I bet many of you out there could ask yourself the same question..

[wilsonx]

She tells me she is utterly destroyed, regrets every day, and yet, I dont see her fighting for it... I dont understand it..

 

This is what you dont see. Its not her job to fight for it anymore. Its yours, you booted her.

 

This is something most people on the forum will not understand. You can't see past your own self to understand this. You aren't the victim here. Neither is she. Your relationship went on WAY to long. In a few months you will understand and see this. This is what I have been trying to tell you.

 

You checked out first, she begged for you back, you came back (when you came back you were emotionally detached from her, you just didnt want to be alone). Then she checked out, kicked you to the curb and you have been ego bruised ever since. Its all in your own story.

 

There is no fault to this, the fault lies in your most recent actions of sleeping with her and then booting her after she said she wants to be with you.

[dng]

There is no fault to this, the fault lies in your most recent actions of sleeping with her and then booting her after she said she wants to be with you.

 

I see your point and it makes alot of sense to me. I can tell you one thing however, at this point I just feel like a passenger in the train and I'm only there for the ride. I feel things, I see things, I think things, but I really feel like I can't do anything about anything.

 

Thank you for you thoughts, however.

[dng]

There is no fault to this, the fault lies in your most recent actions of sleeping with her and then booting her after she said she wants to be with you.

 

There's something more to it that I want to add. She's been saying she wants to be with me for almost two years now.

 

Not the first few months, no. She seemed happy with her new found life and it killed me but I let her go (is that petty? Why am I so emotional about this?).

 

But after that, she would constantly email me about how she loves me, misses me, wants to grow old with me.. As I've often read on this forum, however, she would never act on it, it was just words. With time I have learned to assume anything she says, she doesnt mean, apart from in the moment.

 

She confirms that herself. When I asked her why she didnt come on xmas, she says she meant the things she said, when she said them, but she was too weak to come see me.

 

She keeps telling me she doesnt want a BF, can't feel comfortable with anyone, yet, she keeps on dating new guys.

 

And so on.. Maybe its easier to see from outside what I'm obviously not seeing from inside, but I can say that I'm really not doing well at all, and that this whole thing has just slowly killed me.

[wilsonx]

I see your point and it makes alot of sense to me. I can tell you one thing however, at this point I just feel like a passenger in the train and I'm only there for the ride. I feel things, I see things, I think things, but I really feel like I can't do anything about anything.

 

Thank you for you thoughts, however.

 

Perfectly understandable, you have been on that train for years and you still have some time on that train, you are just now becoming aware of said train. In time, you will be able to step off of it and move in the direction you choose.

[Boulware58]

I'm really sorry that you feel so bad..

 

I wonder what it says about me, what it says about you, that we've been driven so low over this.

 

Often I think I just need to be stronger, that nothing is worth feeling so low. I look at her, she says things, but she seems fine.

 

I wanna try to express something here. When she left me, I felt so horrible, for weeks, and later on I learned that she was with a new guy 24/7, having a good time, having lots of sex, and just generally trying hard to get better and to move on. Yeah, she wasnt feeling 100/100, but nothing like the hell I went thru.

 

I also feel horrible when I think that all this has happened, and alot more that I dont want to find out about, and then after two years she wants to come back.

 

It feels as if whatever process I underwent and whatever pain I felt, was for nothing..

 

Perhaps I wear that pain like a medal and I expect it has a value, and that's a stupid mistake that I'm making?

 

It seems unfair to me, and again, I wonder what it says about my character, you know?

 

I just feel horrible and I dont know how to make it stop. A real man wouldnt be in this mess often comes to mind..

 

It's like looking in a mirror. My girl started hooking up with a dude that made her feel awful, including spread it out at work that they slept together, and it made her feel awkward, yet since I was never around because of work, her way of coping was to continue to sleep with him and to tell me for said reasons and how it benefits her from not having to think about me and us. So day in and day out I just imagine the wrestling each other, making love the way we used to do it. We wear our hearts on our sleeves, they see our pain, and that gives them their fix to get by for another couple weeks. It's when we finally move on and accept it when they finally come to realize they really let go of something they didn't want to get rid of. I've been through hell for the last couple of weeks because of her, and I can guarantee she hasn't, because she has someone feeding into her ego making her feel good. I don't have that. It'd be nice to have some kind of update mechanism that let us know when they seriously felt pain from letting us go, but for better or for worse, it's just better that we never know about it, and leave it all behind.

 

 

You saying about going through this pain and 2 years later her coming back is EXACTLY what I am fearing right now. Because I go through all of this heartbreak, traumatic flashbacks in my head of what those two are doing, and endless buckets of tear, and then all of a sudden, while i'm still in a weak state of mind, she comes back, to scoop me up off the ground just enough to keep me afloat until it's time for me to get hurt again. Secretly I want her to come back, and beg and plead, but i'm afraid if she does, i'll fall back into the role of loser with no self-esteem.

 

No contact truly is the only way to heal this, and maybe some affections from someone else to make you realize that there are others waiting out there for us, just never and i mean NEVER stoop to their level.

[wilsonx]

 

She keeps telling me she doesnt want a BF, can't feel comfortable with anyone, yet, she keeps on dating new guys.

 

You are doing and have done the same EXACT THING SHE IS DOING. You are projecting your emotions on to how you think she acts/feels

[Boulware58]

There's something more to it that I want to add. She's been saying she wants to be with me for almost two years now.

 

Not the first few months, no. She seemed happy with her new found life and it killed me but I let her go (is that petty? Why am I so emotional about this?).

 

But after that, she would constantly email me about how she loves me, misses me, wants to grow old with me.. As I've often read on this forum, however, she would never act on it, it was just words. With time I have learned to assume anything she says, she doesnt mean, apart from in the moment.

 

She confirms that herself. When I asked her why she didnt come on xmas, she says she meant the things she said, when she said them, but she was too weak to come see me.

 

She keeps telling me she doesnt want a BF, can't feel comfortable with anyone, yet, she keeps on dating new guys.

 

And so on.. Maybe its easier to see from outside what I'm obviously not seeing from inside, but I can say that I'm really not doing well at all, and that this whole thing has just slowly killed me.

 

 

She obviously has that feeling of insecurities and afraid to be alone for a moment. That isn't healthy, my ex had the same problem, and thats why their emotions and actions are never fully thought out. Instead of trying to lay her life out in front of her and better herself so that she can again be happy, they use penis as their form of love and attention. One day she'll realize the trouble she caused, and what she has now lost, and it may eat her up for a very long time, but it isn't for you to know or care about. It may be an ego booster that you'll never truly have, because it was better off left alone and never brought back up.

 

 

We're trying to re-light a candle with an empty lighter, I think it's better left in the dark.

[wilsonx]

boulwolf youre projecting on here and not helping. This isnt about his ex, this is about HIM and his ACTIONS.

[Boulware58]

This is what you dont see. Its not her job to fight for it anymore. Its yours, you booted her.

 

This is something most people on the forum will not understand. You can't see past your own self to understand this. You aren't the victim here. Neither is she. Your relationship went on WAY to long. In a few months you will understand and see this. This is what I have been trying to tell you.

 

You checked out first, she begged for you back, you came back (when you came back you were emotionally detached from her, you just didnt want to be alone). Then she checked out, kicked you to the curb and you have been ego bruised ever since. Its all in your own story.

 

There is no fault to this, the fault lies in your most recent actions of sleeping with her and then booting her after she said she wants to be with you.

 

I think what hurts some of us the most, isn't the misery of the break-up itself, but seeing how the other one is dealing with it. It's no fun to be in tears, while the other one is portraying herself naked to someone else after it had become something you cherished for so long. Unfortunately you're right when you say that it's the relationship to blame, and not necessarily the parties themselves. It just makes it harder when only one of us can see it at a time, so one is chasing the other, and vice versa in an endless cycle, until one grows the pair of balls to cut it for good.

 

boulwolf youre projecting on here and not helping. This isnt about his ex, this is about HIM and his ACTIONS.

 

To me it always seemed easier to use the ex as the fuel to move on, and not look back. I've spent too much time dwelling and staying in a state of misery to see what really made me happy. I'm in the same boat he is.

Edited June 14, 2012 by Boulware58