W is having an affair

[Owl]

You feel stronger because you have taken control of your life again.

 

Good feeling, no?

 

Your wife no longer holds the power, the decision making authority, that she had when you were dependent upon her choice to end things with OM.

 

Now...you've taken back that power. You have control of what happens at this point...and that's a great thing.

 

You'll probably notice more of her reactions like what you posted about...because when you take that power back, when you have that self control and self confidence...it garners her respect.

 

Keep it up man.

[dscl]

So today was not great....

 

This morning I was looking over my daughter's homework and one of the things she had to do was write 5 things that make her happy, number one on her list... "My Family"

 

It took everything in me not to start crying in front of her and the wife. I said I had to go to work and got in my car, I cried the whole drive into my office just thinking about my daughter and the hurt and pain that is about to come into her life.

 

This is so hard....

[NotCamelot]

So today was not great....

 

This morning I was looking over my daughter's homework and one of the things she had to do was write 5 things that make her happy, number one on her list... "My Family"

 

It took everything in me not to start crying in front of her and the wife. I said I had to go to work and got in my car, I cried the whole drive into my office just thinking about my daughter and the hurt and pain that is about to come into her life.

 

This is so hard....

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through. And even more for your daughter.

 

That is the thing that is the hardest for me to take. How can one parent put their selfish wants above the needs of thier children? How?

[drifter777]

So today was not great....

 

This morning I was looking over my daughter's homework and one of the things she had to do was write 5 things that make her happy, number one on her list... "My Family"

 

It took everything in me not to start crying in front of her and the wife. I said I had to go to work and got in my car, I cried the whole drive into my office just thinking about my daughter and the hurt and pain that is about to come into her life.

 

This is so hard....

 

Been there - it's the worst part of the whole freakin' mess. Stay strong and work on your own personal recovery. Working with an IC is something that can help you get through this knowing you did everything you could to make your marriage work.

[Untouchable_Fire]

So and update.....

So as I've said before, I know that putting in the paper work and beginning this process is something I had to do but I was still feeling sad,hurt and angry about everything that is happening. But at some point today for a reason I don't know, it hit me... No mater what, I'm going to be OK!!

Today was my daughter's meet the teacher day at her school, I came home, picked her up an made her dinner.Wife came home about 30mins later, we had idle chit chat and for no reason I gave her a hug and as I was pulling away I gave her a smack on the butt. She was taken back by it and said " You think that was a good idea?"I said "Why do you think it was wrong?" and she said "I don't know"

I left it at that and we left for the school. While there I was just happy, talked to the wife about school stuff, talked to the teacher about stuff and after an hour we left. Once home, told the wife, "Listen don't wan't you to get the wrong idea, what I did before we left was because I'm done feeling sad, I know no matter what happens between us I'm going to be OK", she said, yeah we are going to be OK (I did not correct her about saying "we" I did say "I'm going to be OK"

She has been working on this major project for work and has been going to B&N to do it, saying she need a quiet place to work. (I still has access to her email so I know this is true) as she was leaving she looks back an ask me "are you OK?" I said yes, why do you ask? and she says just want to make sure, and then she left.

I gotta say I am OK, no matter how bad the divorce goes, losing the house, child issues destroyed credit etc etc... I know I'll make it to the other side with a better life. I'm done feeling sad and scared, I'm done feeling I have to check up on her and feeling like less of a man because she wants to be with someone else, I know I have issues that I need to work on and I am but I also know Im a good man, good father and maybe sometime in the future, a good husband to a woman who respects me and wants to be with me over anyone else.

Now don't get me wrong, while I want to have the divorce be as civil as possible, if she does want to get ugly with it, I will still DESTROY her and OM's reputation and in the future, let my wife have to explain to our daughter why she did what she did.

Today was a good day.

 

Does your wife have a lawyer? You need to be very careful. It isn't uncommon to attempt a physical or emotional abuse claim against the husband. There is no penalty for lieing and in fact she gains everything including full custody if she can make that claim stick.

 

Couple other things to consider. Background check this OM. If he has a criminal past it will help you immensely at the custody hearing.

 

If you get full custody your x/wife will have to pay you child support. Most women really hate that. However, that does not mean you should stop your daughter from seeing or spending time with her mom. It just means you have more control over how and when that occurs. Personally, I would try to create as much time as possible for your XW and your D to get some personal time together.

 

Also... the court will determine a temporary parenting plan. Don't put too much stock in this as they will redetermine things when the actual divorce agreement is settled.

 

So today was not great....

This morning I was looking over my daughter's homework and one of the things she had to do was write 5 things that make her happy, number one on her list... "My Family"

It took everything in me not to start crying in front of her and the wife. I said I had to go to work and got in my car, I cried the whole drive into my office just thinking about my daughter and the hurt and pain that is about to come into her life.

This is so hard....

 

It's Ok to cry about this now, but later... this should really piss you off. It's not like this situation was your choice. You reacted in the only way possible.

[MuscleCarFan]

Divorce her OP you may love her but she certaintly does not love you and probably never has this isn't the first time she's cheated if she lies to you so calmly i'v been there and done that.

 

Just divorce her is all you need to do secure your assets.

 

If you read some of the earlier posts, OP is just starting the divorce process...

[merchantofmarvals]

my grandma before she passed said. ..nobody can do to you what you wont let happen.

 

that if you continue to be a doormatt people will continue to wipe their feet on you.

 

 

Show you r D what a healthy example is. My dad was, married 5 times. now I am stuck fighting for a relationship that died years ago just to prove i am not like him i guess.

 

good luck.

 

my grandma also use to say " anyone that thinks they know what's best for you is no good for you"

[2long]

And I'll tell you the story of the quickest end to an affair I've ever seen. From another forum, long ago. Man suspects, goes to one of his empty flip houses, finds his wife and OM naked on the floor. He whips out his phone and takes a picture of them, naked. He swoops up all their clothes, and leaves, before they can even get up. Doesn't say a word. He walks out to the middle of the street, dumps all their clothes there, and drives home. About 5 minutes later, wife shows up, begging him for forgiveness, will do whatever it takes to save her marriage. He sets VERY high hoops to jump through - total transparency, etc. She happily complies. Meanwhile, the man sends the picture to OM's wife, who kicks him out.

 

Man's marriage improves, they no longer take each other for granted, everything's great. About 3 or 4 months later, man walks into restaurant, sees former OM snuggling up to the wife of another guy he knows. Whips out the phone - again - takes picture, and texts it to the guy. I believe THAT guy ended up pounding the crap out of the OM.

 

At any rate, the man and his wife are still very happily married. All because he reacted swiftly, strongly, and he LED his family. No asking, no negotiating, no fear - either you respect me or I'm going (and all my money).

 

I remember that poster. Turned out the entire story was a fabrication. Sadly, several others on that 4um 2rned out 2 be fake.

 

-ol' 2long

[Steadfast]

So today was not great....

 

This morning I was looking over my daughter's homework and one of the things she had to do was write 5 things that make her happy, number one on her list... "My Family"

 

This is heartbreaking friend. I know it's deep and profound.

 

But, it only symbolizes now. And while now is all we really have, she's bound to realize at some point the world is not a fair place. She'll also learn that the people we trust most can do the most damage. This is on your wife, but don't make it worse spreading guilt.

 

Your task? To prove to her that you'll never be one of them. You still have to raise her...be a good father. The task of love and discipline does not disappear when problems arise; it becomes more important. All too often people mistakenly think the job of parenting ends when the child grows up. Hear this fact: she'll need you more as an adult than she does now.

 

Your daughter is young. Her love will not fade, it will grow. Real men forge through adversity and resist the urge to crumble in self despair. If you're looking for strength and motivation, look no farther than her.

Edited August 17, 2012 by Steadfast

[dscl]

So an update:

 

So this past Monday I come home around 915 and the wife says she is going to the bookstore, bookstore closes at 10 and it's a 20mins ride to get there so of course I think it's BS but I just say "fine". So 2:30AM rolls by and she is still not back, I loose it and the h1ll with this I'm so f'ing done with this woman!! I go to the closet in my room, take all her stuff and just dump it in the guest bedroom where she has been saying! 3:30AM and she comes home, hear walking up the stairs, opening the bedroom door and a second later, knocking on my door.

 

Of course this turns into a argument, she says she went to her office to do work after leaving the bookstore, a lot of name calling( I said a lot of bad things, an maybe I should have not, but I could not help myself, she says a lot of things also). Anyway she begin to put everything back in the closet, I leave for a drive and smoke and when I get back she is asleep in the guest room .Went to work, check her work email (I know I know have to stop an I have now) and see she sent her boss an email saying "H and I got into a fight and I will not be in today since I have to move forward with my plans" i.e. see her lawyer.

 

Come home after work and she is already there(locked in the guest room) I say nothing and go get my daughter from after school care. When we get back, wife is making daughter a snack and begins to get her ready for cheerleading practice.

 

They leave and come home two hours later, I help daughter with homework and put her to bed. Now while they where away I did some reading on how childs do better with joint custody then with sole (if there is no abuse, drugs, mental issues from the other parent). Wife has been home a lot more in the last month and I start thinking it would be better for our daughter to have both parents in her life as much as possaible, so I decieded that I will talk with the wife and see if we could come to an agreement for joint.

 

Sit her down tell her what I think an she says she will speak to her lawyer about it?!?! I said fine, take her advisement, but remember that at the end of the day we will have to deciede whats best for our daughter. We both walk upstair and go to our sepereate bedrooms for the night.

 

Morning comes she is making herself coffee says nothing to me nor I to her and I leave for work.

 

At work check her facebook and see she has changed her status to single can't even wait for the divorce to be over.

 

Now question to everyone......

 

 

How do you let go of the hate and anger and do what you think is right over what you think you should do? I think it would be best to do joint for my daughter, save money in court cost and have this end sooner that later.

 

I want to have the wife feel the repercussions of what she has done, to this point she has never shown remorse for cheating or breaking up our family. I want her and the OM to be expose to all and have to have the shame of what they have done.

 

Deep down I know I have to let this hate and pain go, but right know I'm just not there, but I will do it if I think it's best for my daughter.

 

Now the choice might be made for me. I told the wit I want joint, but have not mention I want primary, this could be a deal breaker since I WILL NOT be a weekend dad. If she says no, then we are off to court.

[turnera]

Have you been to a lawyer yet?

[dscl]

Yes, I was the one who filed, I'm also seeing him Friday to discuss what is happening now.

[jwi71]

How do you let go of the hate and anger and do what you think is right over what you think you should do? I think it would be best to do joint for my daughter, save money in court cost and have this end sooner that later.

 

Healing takes time.

It also takes work.

I'd suggest an IC for you to help you navigate the hurt and anger.

I'd also suggest child therapy so your child can begin to adjust and process her new life.

 

I want to have the wife feel the repercussions of what she has done, to this point she has never shown remorse for cheating or breaking up our family. I want her and the OM to be expose to all and have to have the shame of what they have done.

 

That's perfectly natural.

But is it practical?

By sending out an email blast to everyone and outing the A you pretty much guarantee war in the D. Is that worth it? And maybe it is. I did it. Don't regret it either. Will it affect legal decisions? NO. Will it pizz your stbxw and begin a whole mess of crap? Yes.

 

There ya go- if you want to deal with her crap - and feel you can, do it. If not, don't. But either way, disclosing the A will have zero effect on the legal proceedings or custody.

 

However, the absolute safest thing is to ask your lawyer first.

(I bet says exactly what I did)

 

Deep down I know I have to let this hate and pain go, but right know I'm just not there, but I will do it if I think it's best for my daughter.

 

It's best for EVERYONE.

 

Now the choice might be made for me. I told the wit I want joint, but have not mention I want primary, this could be a deal breaker since I WILL NOT be a weekend dad. If she says no, then we are off to court.

 

Maybe begin by asking your stbxw what she wants.

And primary doesn't necessarily have to mean much. I have primary but joint physical. In reality, there is no real difference. I don't make "serious" unilateral decisions concerning my kids despite having the legal authority to do so. All that does is cause problems with the xWW. So, and those serious decisions are few and far between, have primary is, for me, nothing really. Do t get too hung up on it.

 

Seek joint physical custody, 50-50 split. Conjure up a calendar that works for you.

Ask for restrictions on school district (this will keep her from moving too far).

Aside from that, hammer out a holiday schedule and you're pretty much done.

Be flexible.

Be honest.

 

Above all else put the kids first. Their needs trump yours or hers.

Keep them in the same school with the same friends - basically, change as little as possible.

 

It's HIGHLY unlikely you go to court to solve issues. You'll solve them at the kitchen table.

 

Write down what you want.

Ask her to do the same.

Don't get angry.

And hire a lawyer.

 

Good luck.

[Untouchable_Fire]

How do you let go of the hate and anger and do what you think is right over what you think you should do? I think it would be best to do joint for my daughter, save money in court cost and have this end sooner that later.

 

This is a hard as hell question to answer. I think it's different for everyone. I didn't heal myself... I found someone who is amazing and helped me get over it.

 

I don't think what she has done to you is any different than if you had physically abused her... actually I believe it is a bit worse. So maybe consider counseling as an option.

 

I want to have the wife feel the repercussions of what she has done, to this point she has never shown remorse for cheating or breaking up our family. I want her and the OM to be expose to all and have to have the shame of what they have done.

Deep down I know I have to let this hate and pain go, but right know I'm just not there, but I will do it if I think it's best for my daughter.

Now the choice might be made for me. I told the wit I want joint, but have not mention I want primary, this could be a deal breaker since I WILL NOT be a weekend dad. If she says no, then we are off to court.

 

You have been hurt so bad.... and part of that hurt is knowing you are powerless in this situation. Well... you are not powerless. The faster you move on the faster she will come to regret. Beyond that there is nothing you can do.

 

What may help lots is cutting all contact. Cut all financial ties to her as well... that was a huge rage trigger for me.

 

You can't start to heal while she is constantly tearing that wound open. Tell her to move out! She has a job she can pay her own way. It sounds harsh, but you need to disconnect from her so that you can begin to work on yourself and rebuild your life. As long as she is around you the emotional battery will continue. Get a restraining order if you need to.

[scatterd]

I just got done reading your story. I am sorry for all the pain you are having. You will be so much better off when the Divorce is finale. You are a good man and deserve to be treated well. Someday your wife will have regrets but Right now, her head is in the clouds. You have been making this easy for her. Do not let her get the upper hand. Your daughter will adjust You are a good Dad; little girls love and look up to their Dads. You will always be important to her. My Dad kept me grounded, and I wanted to please him. His disappointment would have bothered me. Let her know how proud you are of her and tell her how much you love her everyday. She will be fine and also. Help you to get through this. It seems you have been constant with her and should be the main coustodian parent. You will meet a woman someday that will respect and make you happy.

Good Luck with your divorce

[turnera]

Ok, talk to her but don't do anything your lawyer won't want you to say, ok?

[dscl]

Ok, talk to her but don't do anything your lawyer won't want you to say, ok?

 

Will do. With all the lies the wife has told me, there is NO WAY I would agree to something with out talking to my lawyer.

[2sunny]

Anything she says or does is sheer manipulation to get things her way. Don't fall for hat.

 

Just tell her no - to everything she asks for = it's never gonna be an offer that's in your best interest.

 

Have you had sex with her since serving her divorce papers? Be honest...

[dscl]

Have you had sex with her since serving her divorce papers? Be honest...

 

No, she has not shown me any type of affection in the last 3 months.

[dscl]

So got a call from a friend of ours asking what's going on. Seems she changed her status on FB from Married to Single.

[turnera]

Call that friend and tell him/her the truth.

[dscl]

So just got home and checked the mail and I see that my lawyer's office sent the wife what I think is the paper work for our temporary hearing. I know that the date is for 9/12, but I think this will be the first my wife hears about it.

 

Should make for a "interesting" night.

[turnera]

Remember, you can walk away if she raises her voice. "I will not discuss anything with you if you are yelling" - and leave the room. Or the house.

[y2k]

Go on with a divorce, get your economics in order, get custody of your daughter, and move on.

 

This woman isn't worth it.

[Steadfast]

How do you let go of the hate and anger and do what you think is right over what you think you should do? I think it would be best to do joint for my daughter, save money in court cost and have this end sooner that later.

 

Living under the same roof with a cheating, unremorseful wife is simply intolerable. I did what you are doing for about six weeks and lost over 35-lb. Seriously, get her out of that house. Tell her. "Go somewhere else. I can't stand being around you anymore. Leave and do it right away." Tell your lawyer the way you feel and get that input. Get her away from you!

 

I want to have the wife feel the repercussions of what she has done, to this point she has never shown remorse for cheating or breaking up our family. I want her and the OM to be expose to all and have to have the shame of what they have done.

 

She will. And believe me when I say the less you have to do with it, the better. Let her go and allow her to experience what she thinks she wants. Who knows how it will go? Focus on you. Not her. Practice makes perfect.

 

I've typed this so many times, the letters on my keyboard are faded:

 

If her suffering brings you joy, what will her joy bring you? Suffering.

 

But you can't start the process of healing until she's out. Make it happen.