right decision in difficult situation

[mhn]

I'm with my wife for 8 years and been married for almost 6 years.

 

She is a very smart woman, joyful and always optimistic and she loves me very much that she stood by me in many difficult times. She always tells me I have a good soul and she always finds a way to cheer me when I am sad. She also is a very strong and decided person that knows her goals and she doesn't stop at noones opinion if she knows I could be hurt. Also, she is always proactive, trying to do better, to take chances to reach a better level. She goes over everything to make me happy.

 

Until now I always thought that she is a part of me and being too used with this idea I didn't think what a wonderful gift God gave me and that she is the most important thing in my life. I was so stupid, that I put other priorities on top of us, like work, like material things, etc. and in similar sittuations I failed to do the same for her - I don't have a strong character and I am very influenced by others opinions.

 

Now I feel I lost everything, I've tried to do a project on my own for an year but it didn't work and that failure combined with my low self-esteem make me thing I am worthless. Now I see that life is trying to take her away too and I feel helpless about this.

 

I'm not a social person, when I try to make new friends I always do something or feel like something is blocking me and then drives them away from me. I've become an isolated person, no one takes me seriously, people at my job started avoiding me and when there is a discussion on something I'm being ignored and my opinion doesn't matter.

 

A few weeks ago she told me someone from her job might like her and she didn't know how to handle this situation better than telling me directly. Since then everything changed, I started to feel all these things covering everything I feel and think during the day. And I completely understand her, after so many years of all these things happening on and on... I since decided I should fight with this, that I should do anything in my power to change myself so we could have a second chance. I have such a character that I put what others say or ask in front of us. She says I have a good soul but I see this like a lack of character.

 

I am so confused that I don't know what to do...I know I am about to loose her forever and it's driving me mad and I feel like life is trying to take everything from me, leaving nothing behind.

But at the same time I feel that if she would be with someone else(perhaps the guy from her job or someone else), that person will truly make her happy because anyone in this world is likely to be better than I am and have a stronger character. I feel it's unfair for me to "continue the fight" and try to change or be better for her. This will take time, it won't change over night and I don't want to waste time of her life.

 

Last night she told me that she appreciates what I am, that I am a good person and I always try to be calm and see the good in other people. But in the last time she feels that at her work she laughs more with her colleagues and then when she comes home she finds a sad person. She sees me like I am her brother and I'm helpless without her.

 

She suffers very much because of this but she says she will stand by me and she'll give me 1000 chances but I don't feel this is right.

 

I feel like I should let her go, and try to help her find a better person to be with and live a happy life.

 

I don't want her to suffer anymore because of me - is there any hope? any hope for anything?

Edited June 14, 2012 by mhn

[Philosoraptor]

Step up to the plate here and seek help. I'd start with individual therapy and maybe move towards couples therapy so that her needs can be expressed and together you can figure out how to get through this.

 

But take a step here as she has been nothing but honest and patient with you so far. Don't get down on yourself, get this fixed so you two can find more happiness and a stronger bond.

[standtall]

Without knowing how old you are, if you have kids, if you have been good to each other, etc... I can tell you this.

 

 

Man up bro, and find that man in you that she fell for originally. Women do not love men they do not respect, so do not continue down this path and lose anymore of your wife's respect! Go to counseling, start working out, get a respectable hobby, get off the xbox, lay off the internet porn, go back to school,..do whatever that works for you to get happy again and earn your wife's adoration. All men should do this self check frequently to make sure that they have their wive's attention in a positive manner.

[mhn]

Step up to the plate here and seek help. I'd start with individual therapy and maybe move towards couples therapy so that her needs can be expressed and together you can figure out how to get through this.

 

But take a step here as she has been nothing but honest and patient with you so far. Don't get down on yourself, get this fixed so you two can find more happiness and a stronger bond.

 

Thank you for the advice. I have already signed up for a therapy but opted for couples therapy directly. Why do you think it would be better to go for individual therapy first?

[Philosoraptor]

Not at all, just wasn't sure if you were comfortable jumping right in so I suggested getting your toe wet first.

 

If she's agreed to go you need to stop worrying and put that effort into making things better for both you and your relationship.

 

I wish you nothing but the best

[DEABQ]

I'm sure couples counseling will be good, but it sounds like you need individual counseling as well. Deal with your feelings of low self worth and low self esteem. Your wife sounds very much in love and very supportive, so give her the very thing she deserves, a happy, confident husband. Since you dated for two years and been married for six, you obviously used to have it in you. Go figure out a way to get it back.

 

Best of luck,

[mhn]

do you think it's ok if my wife would discuss with her colleague that she is married and she doesn't want to be with him? She feels like that guy might have feelings for her but at this point it's just her intuition saying that.

 

What kind of side effects could this provoke? She just wants to feel good when going to work because now she feels stressed of what that guy might want or do.

 

Also, she is in an open space place and she doesn't know where to discuss with him privately. She could write him an email but she doesn't know if it's appropriate and she couldn't see his live reaction this way.

 

Thank you!

[Philosoraptor]

If I were in her shoes I wouldn't say anything until I had more than intuition as she could be reading wrong and make a fool of herself. She should just be conscious of her own actions and make sure she's not giving off too friendly of a vibe.

[RecentlyAwakened]

Mhn

 

I read your post and signed up to offer my thoughts.

 

I was very much once like how you describe yourself. I know how I felt when I was like that and guess you feel very similar to that. Not just the feelings, but the crippling thoughts.

 

Councling did not help. It may help you so do it anyway.

 

With the way you feel about yourself what does your wife think about you? Don't answer this by what she says, answer it by what she does.

 

You wrote: "She sees me like I am her brother and I'm helpless without her."

 

I can tell you now, I wouldn't want to be married to my Sister. I want to be married to my lover. The person who can set my lions on fire.

 

By the sounds of your description you are being very submissive. You wouldn't dare do anything you want and love at the expense of displeasing her or other people. How can desire and lust flourish in such a boring monotinous situation?

 

You feel like you are loosing her, you may be right. You are so close to her that you are like a brother! Simple logic says that getting closer will NOT solve anything. You have been trying that for a long time it seems.

 

It is time to shake things up, change the pattern. Become the person you want to be and be damned to those who would think you shouldn't be!

 

Stop touching her, now. Step back, give her space.

 

Ask yourself, WHY on Earth is she telling you about this guy at work? Nothing has happenend, it is a simple fix by simply ignoreing the flirting and giving strong I'm not interested signals. She wants you to know. She wants you to change SOMETHING, get fired up, get angry at the situation, bring on the emotion of an irrational human being! She isn't giving this guy the 'go away' signals possibly because she is afraid you wont do anything about it.

I bet if nothing changes in your situation, you wont do anything about it.

 

Your situation is a duality, both of you have a behaviour that is set strongly the way it is. Her behaviour is effected by yours and yours hers. If you change your behaviour hers must change to.

 

Being an 'isolated' person as you say, what do you do in your spare time? When you are not smothering your Wife? If you are doing 1 activity a lot stop it entirally for 50 days. Fill that time with other things, it will suck at first.

 

Myself; My body language skills where very, very bad. I was so poor in social situations that people thought I was wierd, I was avoided, I didn't get invited to anything. Getting new friends was a non-event. My clothing choices where lame, heck my partner, she bought all my cloths, did my washing, said 'there, there' when I felt down and needed some loving. Who else does that? My mum. My poor outgoning and rather strong-willed partner was living with another child, no wonder she wasn't into me that much.

 

So what did I do? I stopped doing something I loved for a while. It wasn't helping me at the time and contributing to my situation. It sucked, I was bored. I then did the best thing I should have done 20 years ago. I thoughly studied body language, the very skill I so poorly learnt growing up. The same skills that made me so poor at social situations that people avoided me, and I them.

 

Since learning even the basics I quickly showed myself that social situation are indeed navigatable, I learned the reasons why people avoided me. A large portion of the time I told them to leave me alone with my body, whilst my words screamed of a desperation of wanting to connect with people. Awkward for anyone to be around.

At the same time I learnt about Dominate/Submissive behaviour. I pushed myself to be far less submissive and thus increase my dominance. It took little time for things to change, the results varied from eye popping WOW moments to laughable failures. Society told me that I was finally getting it right. This does wonders for your self-esteeme.

 

The other part about practicing body language, particularly dominate outgoing aspects is that your mind will reflect the body as the body reflects the mind. Your mind will have no choice but to adopt what you body is saying as long as you continually practice doing it. You don't even need to around people to practice.

 

As these things progress your home life will change. She may start to see the person she first met again, you could become the guy she is flirting at work with. Hell you WILL flirt with other woman. Make her proud to be the one that you chose, don't make her feel like she is the default choice and the only one you could chose.

 

Remember, for an immediate change in behaviour stop touching her completely and watch her reactions over the days. Does she try to nudge closer to you? Does she 'accidently' brush up against you? Watch for changes and reflect on those. She won't leave you for not touching her a couple of days.

 

I hope this at the very least gives you another alternative option, a radically different approach to create a radically different environment.

[GLDheart]

... A few weeks ago she told me someone from her job might like her and she didn't know how to handle this situation better than telling me directly....

 

wow. I respect her so much for being honest with you. Try not to beat her up with too many insecure questions.... come vent them here on the forum instead.

 

Thank her for honesty, tell her she's AMAZING, and then shake it off man. She obviously still wants you or you would have never heard about it.

 

I see a problem you are bringing home: Your work environment is toxic. You have my permission to walk away from that deal. Screw the money. Your wife has demonstrated that she can understand.

[seren]

MHN, my husband used to feel much the same way you do, he went on to have an A. Why? because he didn't think he was good enough for me, because he felt so worthless and not worthy he chose to have a very destructive A with the polar opposite of me, because she was all he was worth. I couldn't understand why as, like your wife, I loved him with all that I had and yes, I was the fixer, would have done anything and everything to make life good and happy for him. At times I felt like he had detached totally from me and us and would say that this man in work has been paying me attention. Why? to try and make him see that I was attractive to others, to try and wake him up and notice that I was right there.

 

I would have loved for H to have done something unexpected, to come home to a meal, flowers, or even just to have him organise a day out someplace. I wonder if you have got so far into the MHN isn't good enough and that your wife would be better off without you that you are pushing her away, possibly toward someone else who she deserves more. Sound familiar? If it does, then stop right now, she sounds like she wants you, not a brother, but a man she can lean on as well as support. Little things mean so much and while they might take a bit of effort, surely they are worth it if it means you can save your marriage.

 

At times after H's A, I had to fake it until I made it, talked, yes, but also remembered to laugh and the thing is, once you begin smiling and laughing it just comes naturally. My H is now in a better place and has finally realised that he is a good man and that he was never unworthy or any of those things. That your wife is still there means something, that she loves you and is willing to go to MC a whole lot more.

 

Love and cherish her and also learn to like yourself. It sounds like you are depressed and have self esteem issues, IC can help. Do something unexpected for her today, a poem, a flower a kiss or a dance in your living room, it's a start. I wish you the very best and hope it works out. Make home where she wants to be and where she laughs most. x

[Plan 9 from OS]

mhn,

There is always hope. I think you have received some excellent advice from a number of posters in this thread. I still think that therapy could be benificial to you if for nothing else to find out how you became the person you are today. Do you talk candidly to your wife about your feelings? Maybe she can help you to become that better person. I don't know if her telling you about the co-worker possibly liking her was more of a guilty admission on her part or more of an attempt to give you a wake up call. Either way, she married you for a reason and talking candidly about you wanting to change for the better may give her the hope that she needs so that she knows that eventually you will be more of a partner and lover to her as opposed to a needy patient. Not trying to sound harsh, but I would consider this your wake up call to improve yourself.

 

If you don't do it already, excercise can be a great way to build up your self esteem and get the endorphins popping through your brain. Also, try to join some groups that focus on some of the hobbies that you have in a way to get out there and meet more people. It's easier to meet more people when you have a common interest. Just a few suggestions that may help you build your self esteem. But while you are doing this, I think a poster mentioned body language being a key. I agree with this. Good luck.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Some good advice so far. I agree with individual therapy for you. Get yourself built back up. I don't know if your wife needs to be there. You know what the problem is already, you just need to figure out how to fix it and needs some encouragement.

 

I was an extremely introverted kid who had to learn to be extroverted. Lesson #1 was to not think so much! I overthought everything I would say and the moment would pass..if I finally said something I'd be way behind and awkward or I'd just give up and remain silent. I learned to improvise on the guitar, the way that felt began to be how I talked to people, kinda weird learning to talk "musically" first...but that worked wonders for me. Come to think of it, performing on stage with a singer who was absolutely fearless did a lot for me as well. I started to emulate his insane way of throwing caution to the wind I met my future wife at about that time.