me so no-one gets hurt!!!!!

[d'Arthez]

Geegirl i understand that you would never let this man back in your life. But if you were not sure what would you do? would you befriend him? date him? see others too?

I'd forget about this guy, as a friend or a potential relationship. Unless you are livnig on a research lab in Antarctica, there will be other men around. Who:

1) are emotionally available

2) are not into playing games

3) can take a hint

 

You can't keep living your life on the basis of "ifs".

[geegirl]

Geegirl i understand that you would never let this man back in your life. But if you were not sure what would you do? would you befriend him? date him? see others too?

 

What I've learnt is that, IF it confuses you, then most likely it's not right for you. I've been in those relationships. The ones where you're confused, you're trying to hard, you're making excuses, you're playing games, you're guessing, etc.

 

Now that I am in a relationship with an emotionally mature man = pursued me, calls when he says he will call, wants to speak to me everyday, communicates his feelings and thoughts, shares every bit of his life with me -- I now realize that it's actually that simple when two people want to be together.

 

He rejected you. He needs to come forth if he wants to be with you. It's not your job to make him feel comfortable enough to walk in. He's too shy to approach you but he he has no problem approaching other women? You have to rethink that.

 

If he has not bitten your bait, then it's time to pack up and walk away. That's the only way he will get a boot up his ass in realizing he has lost you completely. Maybe then he will find his balls and be with you, that is if your analysis of him is true.

[marilla]

Not only he doesn't come forth but he is acting weird. Sure he needs to do more. I have a feeling he really wanted to meet that new woman too and i screwed it up for him by showing hurt and jealous. Ever since that day he is acting weird. Before that day he looked happy to talk to me. After that he doesn't look as happy. I did tell him in the past that i had no problem if he was getting to know others at least in the initial stages and i seem to have contradicted that with my behavior. And i meant that-what was hurting me was to be led on and then dumped.

That is why i also feel guilty on top of everything else.

so i am hurt and confused and afraid and guilty and still care.

Thank you for all your advice and ideas. I am listening to you even though you feel you are talking to deaf ears. I am taking your comments very seriously.

[geegirl]

Not only he doesn't come forth but he is acting weird. Sure he needs to do more. I have a feeling he really wanted to meet that new woman too and i screwed it up for him by showing hurt and jealous. Ever since that day he is acting weird. Before that day he looked happy to talk to me. After that he doesn't look as happy. I did tell him in the past that i had no problem if he was getting to know others at least in the initial stages and i seem to have contradicted that with my behavior. And i meant that-what was hurting me was to be led on and then dumped.

That is why i also feel guilty on top of everything else.

so i am hurt and confused and afraid and guilty and still care.

Thank you for all your advice and ideas. I am listening to you even though you feel you are talking to deaf ears. I am taking your comments very seriously.

 

What are you feeling guilty about? If he feels you blew his chances with this other woman, what does that tell you? You need to walk away from this man. He rejected you twice and here you are feeling guilty? I don't understand, nor do I see a shy man.

[marilla]

please someone then tell me since it seems i am stupid or totally inexperienced! Why does he keep buzzing around me like a bee ? Why does he keep staring at me ?why does he try to find places to sit near me? why are his friends trying to get us to talk? Why is that woman he rejected me for keeps looking at me sadly and trying to talk to me? why are they avoiding each other totally when i am around? why did he leave that new woman ?why did he care if i was jealous and hurt?

Is this man acting now out of pure guilt?

Does he thing i am some crazy woman that he needs to pay attention too otherwise she gets hurt ?

Does this man want something with me? like to get to know me, friends, date?

see all his behavior does show an interested man but ............things get weird.

[Tiera D]

OP let me tell you something secret,some years ago even now i had the ability to control facial expressions,i can pretend to be shy,i can pretend to be a nice guy,i can tell u every sweet things you want to hear,i can even cry instantly to get pity.i know its a form of manipulation,call me a psychopath or whatever but i never cheated on any girl simply because i believe in karma.But on the other hand your ex seem to abuse this ability to manipulate you,what im trying to say is dont believe what your ex says, expressions are controllable,marilla take out a note list out good things and bad things about your ex,see which list is longer and you will know that the relationship is not worth it

 

TD

[marilla]

thank you guys for your answers. Today we all met, me him and that new woman interested in him. He did not sit with her, or talk to her etc. It seems that he is cutting her out. And i feel horrible. I know you all think he is a player but he is behaving like a good man now that does not want to hurt me. That new girl is a great person too and she is interested in him for sure. Guys i feel i am following my heart leading him on, when my brain is all that confused. What do i do ?please even if you don't think much of him, what can i do here?

[geegirl]

We can only give you advice Marilla but that does not coincide with your stance. You have all these questions only he can answer. Of you're still insistent he has interest, then the only way for you to find out is to communicate. You can keep repeating your posts but all you will get are the same answers. Time for you to do what you feel is best for you. Send him your thoughts and feelings and go from there. Good luck to you.

[marilla]

thank you geegirl and all of you who have tried to help me out.

I do understand what you are talking about but if he is disinterested won't that make me look like a fool? it does seem weird telling him anything when the only thing he is giving are just crumbs? it is amazing how this story has become all tangled up inside my head. And i have been humiliated already as either him or the woman he rejected me for have said things to our common friends. it is very obvious to me that they know!!!!

[geegirl]

thank you geegirl and all of you who have tried to help me out.

I do understand what you are talking about but if he is disinterested won't that make me look like a fool? it does seem weird telling him anything when the only thing he is giving are just crumbs? it is amazing how this story has become all tangled up inside my head. And i have been humiliated already as either him or the woman he rejected me for have said things to our common friends. it is very obvious to me that they know!!!!

 

If he is not interested, then that would make you an enlightened "fool" rather than you forever trying to read minds and predict another man's behavior. Your choice. With the former, you walk away with answers and you quit this mind f***.

[marilla]

what if he starts asking me what i want? Does it make sense to date him ?be friends for now? what does anyone do with a guy after hurting them so much but still feeling good things for him?

Is it possible for people to be hanging out slowly at first but with the freedom to see others ?like i said i don't want to string him along just in case i never get over what happened. Does a relationship of going very slow with the freedom to see others can it actually work ?

Especially when a new woman in his life will not be hurt and in a better position to win him over ?please think of this as a general question-can people go slow, see others and can it actually work?

Please remember i am clueless dating. i was confined in bed for the last 9 years.....the best years of my life are behind me now. I am not that young and i am not experienced at all.

[d'Arthez]

Marilla,

 

The longer you keep posting questions like this, the more obvious it becomes you are not ready to date in a serious capacity. It may sound harsh, but if a simple conversation becomes a complicated affair ...

 

Just bite the bullet and talk. Because the million and one questions you are firing cannot be resolved in any other way.

[geegirl]

what if he starts asking me what i want? Does it make sense to date him ?be friends for now? what does anyone do with a guy after hurting them so much but still feeling good things for him?

Is it possible for people to be hanging out slowly at first but with the freedom to see others ?like i said i don't want to string him along just in case i never get over what happened. Does a relationship of going very slow with the freedom to see others can it actually work ?

Especially when a new woman in his life will not be hurt and in a better position to win him over ?please think of this as a general question-can people go slow, see others and can it actually work?

Please remember i am clueless dating. i was confined in bed for the last 9 years.....the best years of my life are behind me now. I am not that young and i am not experienced at all.

 

Honestly Marilla, I don't even know what you want. All these questions you have, only the two of you can sit down and decide how you two want to move forward.

 

Slow with the freedom to see others? I'm sorry to say you won't be able to handle it. The moment he is with another woman, you're going to get insecure and cause yourself even more damage.

 

If you are inexperienced, then try to absorb what we are telling you. Not everything you see is reality.

 

This man has rejected you twice. You are giving him signs to come in, yet he isn't. Trust me he is not shy.

 

He hurt you but you feel good things for him. That does not mean you need to go back to what hurt you in the first place because you are taking a fairly big risk when you don't even have enough evidence in your hand to know that he is truly remorseful and wanting to be with you. He's giving you a huge mind f***.

 

You haven't dated for 9 years. This is why you are clinging on to dear life for this ONE man because you believe this is all you deserve. You're too afraid put yourself out there so you settle for what you know. One man comes along and you're stuck. I don't know how old you are but there is no age limit when it comes to dating. If you want a good man, you have to kiss a lot of frogs to get to that one. Settling for the first man that comes along is desperate and unhealthy. The more you go out and date, the more you learn about what you want and what to look out far. You educate yourself, instilling boundaries. Seeking what you value and what you know is healthy for you. You can't just sit there and say I am clueless. You need to start putting yourself out there. He's not the only man that is going to cross your path, unless you decide to sit around and wait for him to choose you.

[marilla]

i am really moved by both of you trying to help me and i am sorry for being a pest.

I would sit down and talk i have the guts too, it is just that his behavior is not encouraging me to do so. I will think on it though.

I believe i can handle it, i mean going slow with the freedom to see others. Just don't know if anything like that does it ever work? ? ?

True that he has rejected me it is actually 3 times but he always comes back for some reason. I have given him signs that i am still interested and he looked ecstatic for one week and had tried talking to me very happily-it was after i showed hurt and jealous over that new woman that he became more distant and closed. He won't sit with either one, he just flirts us both from a distance.

I keep on thinking that maybe he doesn't trust me and fears that i will bail so he is waiting to see what will happen.

I have to give you something very important here and maybe you will understand why everything is so messed up-we are all coworkers......

All this is happening at the workplace. So if he sits with one gives the wrong messages to the other kind of thing.....

I am 35 years old and yes i haven't dated for a very long time. This is the first guy i have feelings for since my illness and seeing him everyday has made me more attached.

[d'Arthez]

I would sit down and talk i have the guts too, it is just that his behavior is not encouraging me to do so.

That should be enough clue to forget about this guy. Seriously.

 

I believe i can handle it, i mean going slow with the freedom to see others. Just don't know if anything like that does it ever work? ? ?

It can work. But seeing that you have already made a massive emotional investment in this guy, it will not work. Jealousy and doubts are cruel mistresses.

 

I have to give you something very important here and maybe you will understand why everything is so messed up-we are all coworkers......

Which makes it even a more dangerous thing to pursue anything with each other, in case things do not work out. Yet another reason why you should look elsewhere.

 

I am 35 years old and yes i haven't dated for a very long time. This is the first guy i have feelings for since my illness and seeing him everyday has made me more attached.

It is all a fantasy, in which you are heavily idealizing him, and making a million and one excuses for him. This is an extreme infatuation, an obsession, which bears, sadly, little resemblance to actual reality.

[geegirl]

I believe i can handle it, i mean going slow with the freedom to see others. Just don't know if anything like that does it ever work? ?

 

If you believe you can handle it, then good for you. You have to ask yourself though how much you will invest before you need to take it seriously and will he be on board when you want to take it to the next level. Ask yourself if you can handle it, especially with someone that has the potential of rejecting a person, not once, but three times because he is unable to commit for his own reasons.

 

True that he has rejected me it is actually 3 times but he always comes back for some reason

 

You have no self-respect. A man rejects you three times and you keep chasing him. If I were you, I would be running the other way. Trust me, there will be a 4th time.

 

I have given him signs that i am still interested and he looked ecstatic for one week and had tried talking to me very happily-it was after i showed hurt and jealous over that new woman that he became more distant and closed. He won't sit with either one, he just flirts us both from a distance

 

This seems like you spoiled his plans and he's upset that you won't play his game. He saw you get emotional and that scared him away. He doesn't want to deal with a woman's emotions.

 

I keep on thinking that maybe he doesn't trust me and fears that i will bail so he is waiting to see what will happen

 

Your thinking is skewed. If anyone cannot be trusted its him!

 

I am 35 years old and yes i haven't dated for a very long time. This is the first guy i have feelings for since my illness and seeing him everyday has made me more attached

 

You're 35 and you state your best years have gone by. You need to wake up. I was dating after my divorce at 36 and I am 41 now. You're putting yourself in such a tiny box, limiting yourself from living and learning about life.

 

Second lesson: Don't poop where you eat. Getting involved at work and having so-workers gossip is not the way to carry yourself in a professional setting.

Edited June 15, 2012 by geegirl

[marilla]

i am obsessed ? D'Arthez do you really think that? it is just that he is being flirting me for one year every day. Who wouldn't get feelings...Now he is doing the same to that new woman only for her it has been 4 months. But he keeps flirting me as well.

Geegirl-you are so right!!!! it seems i have ruined his plans. I was afraid he was going to reject me for a 4th time and that is why i was hurt. Everything was so soon to my 3rd rejection. Everything inside me was so sensitive.

We will not be coworkers next year. He is actually finishing his contract very soon and he is not speaking or doing anything with either her or me. Just staring.

no self respect-fine i agree. I agree i have always thought too little of me. And maybe he senses that or feels that i am desperate.

About bailing-yes he has a point. In the initial stages of getting to know him i was one day giving in and then next no. i wanted to take it slow that is all but he had complained that he could not trust me and he saw me as never being seriously interested. He said that. So that is why i am saying that maybe he is waiting....

I do have chances-i have other men at work that have tried to get a look from me since last year and i never gave them a chance. This is the first time in my life i keep going back to a guy that has treated me like that.

I have no words to explain my case......

And about the gossip-there are at least another 10 coworkers that know this story. He either told or that woman he rejected me for told. They are good people i know they kept it to their group and the word hasn't got out but even them i did not wish for anyone to know this.

How humiliating. Of course one thing i kind of overheard is that she told them that i misunderstood their friendship. Yeah right.....i know what i saw!!!

please don't take me for a sick person here. i am doing a very difficult job and i am good at it. it takes a lot of brain power to be there. So i don't know what the hell happened to me this year...

[geegirl]

I do think you are obsessed too. He's been flirting with you for one year? Any person would have said enough already and moved on but you cling for such scraps and crumbs. He flirts because he wants nothing of substance. Any man that wants substance will take it to the next level. Not flirt for one year! And you claim he is shy and now repeating the same tactics with a new woman, and he's still doing it with you. You need to wake up. He's working the two of you to see which one bites first. He won't make the first move because then he is not responsible for what happens afterwards. If you approach, then you are responsible for your own actions and if he rejects you, he'll have clean hands because you willingly came to him.

 

Yes, you have no self-respect or value for yourself. Of course he senses that! He rejected you three times and you're still eating his crumbs. YOu allowed him to reject you not once, not twice but three times. He knwos for sure he can get you and reject you a fourth time.

 

Gaslighting. You didn't want to give in and said you wanted to take it slow. Any man that respects you and cares for you will work with your boundaries and take it slow. Any man that is interested in something of substance will take it slow as well because he too wants to make sure it's right for him. Instead, he blames you and tells you that he does not trust you for not going at his pace. Trying to make you feel bad because when you feel bad, you will most likely give in to his demands. He then gets his way. This man is such a game player.

 

I have words to explain your case. Low self-esteem and lacking value within. You know he is not good for you, and you tried to make excuses for him in the beginning but if you read what you write, you will see that deep down inside you know this man is not good for you.

[marilla]

thank you geegirl for taking the time to help me.

I don't yet see things as you although i do agree that he is playing with both of us right now.

After i got rejected the second time he came back with the fullest force i have ever seen in a man. He would wait for me for hours, knew my schedule, told his friends to help him out with me, his friends tried to set us up a meeting, he would flirt me in front of his friends and get humiliated because they already knew what was going on. This went for a month or so. i was feeling sorry for him but i was not giving in since i was not decided after being rejected. He really did look hurt. I could see and feel this in his voice and expressions. i really do believe that there was a point he had feelings for me. Then of course in time they must have lowered so when i tried again for the 3 rd time he was really weird. He was treating me coldly and i was wondering why. I thought he would be ecstatic getting a 3rd chance but he was not and i could not figure out why. He was one day leading me on and the next hurting me. That went on a couple of weeks and then i caught them flirt and pretending nothing was happening when they saw me. Of course i confronted him and he was cruel. He admitted to no feelings at that point in time. So when she hit again i was dropped like garbeage again for the 3rd time. I thought he was hurt and confused by me and he probably was but i think the reason i got badly rejected was her. She always hits on him. she did it twice in the past in front of my own eyes. After that i had nothing to do with these people for 2 months. i cut all contact, refusing to talk or even be in the same room as them. But i could not help but notice that everything between them stopped suddenly, now they are not even talking, his friends trying to help again, him looking very remorseful. so i got sucked back again. He started to flirt again and he was very happy to do with both me and that new woman and he became distant again when i showed hurt and jealous. And that is all the story.

Thought i should say it-so that you see why i dont think this guy is all at fault or dishonest.

[d'Arthez]

Marilla,

 

all we can see is a man who is really playing with your mind, and getting a kick out of it. What his motives are is a bit unclear, but what is crystal clear that this is not healthy for you. Please remove yourself from this toxic situation, and find someone who does not mess with you as massively as this guy does.

[geegirl]

I really can't give you anymore advice Marilla. No one can help you, but you.

 

He dropped you like garbage the 2nd time and now flirts with you and her at the same time and gets mad because you show emotion.

 

Enough said. If you can't see how disturbing all this is, then you may have to learn the hard way.

[marilla]

thank you !!! i can't even believe that some unknown person would take so much time with my story!!! I really do thank you wholeheartedly.

I am wondering 2 more things-if you don't have the patience to answer me anymore geegirl i can understand.

1) what about my mistakes ?i mean the fact that for a very long time i was very undecided,giving him mixed signals and hurting him unintentionally?

( one reason i was undecided was that he hinted that i did damage to his life and i understood that as her backing out-because she did at some point)

2) what about his character ?when i was rejected i was not rejected nicely. that sentence that his feelings no longer existed cut deep.And during the same conversation he said some other staff that hurt-like that i had nothing important to say to him. Is this man insensitive under pressure like when i confronted him and insensitive because he was hurt or is this a guy who is generally insensitive? unfortunately i never got the chance to hang out with him a lot to find out since after a month of having coffees together all the mess started to happen.

Thank you thank you again!

[geegirl]

1) what about my mistakes ?i mean the fact that for a very long time i was very undecided,giving him mixed signals and hurting him unintentionally?

 

What were your mistakes? Not moving as fast as he wanted and telling him you need to move slow? Who cares what happened then? If he wants a chance now, he should be taking it rather than flirting with TWO women at the same time. That is what an emotionally mature man would do. He'd make a choice and walk thorugh the door that you are opening for him. How did you damage his life?

 

2) what about his character ?when i was rejected i was not rejected nicely. that sentence that his feelings no longer existed cut deep.And during the same conversation he said some other staff that hurt-like that i had nothing important to say to him. Is this man insensitive under pressure like when i confronted him and insensitive because he was hurt or is this a guy who is generally insensitive? unfortunately i never got the chance to hang out with him a lot to find out since after a month of having coffees together all the mess started to happen.

Thank you thank you again.

 

He is insensitive when he flirts with two women openly without ever considering how it will affect them. That would be enough for me. Pretty much says a lot about him.

[marilla]

thank you geegirl

I'd love to hear your opinion on just one last thing.

Would hanging out with 2 women be better than just flirting with both of us? i mean just hanging out with a man at work doesn't give me so many hopes or feelings as someone flirting and buzzing around me like a bee or staring at me. For some reason actions like that affect me a lot whereas talking over coffee doesn't.

Am i abnormal here? is that so for others.

Thank you and i won't take advantage of your kindness.

Thank you for everything!!!

He doesn't flirt openly. He tries to hide it from me but i catch him at it. As for her she is my closest friend at work and she is in the dark. She has no idea whatsoever what happened between me and him and that other woman. Thanks again.

Edited June 15, 2012 by marilla

[geegirl]

Would hanging out with 2 women be better than just flirting with both of us? i mean just hanging out with a man at work doesn't give me so many hopes or feelings as someone flirting and buzzing around me like a bee or staring at me. For some reason actions like that affect me a lot whereas talking over coffee doesn't.

 

That would depend on who you are hanging out with. You have emotions for this man. You cannot hang out and have him "hang out" with other women. It's all irrelevant. He can have coffee with you and the next day have dinner with this other woman and have sex with her. How will that affect you? You want to try to see if he's good for you, even after he's rejected you. Maybe this time it will be different. So going slow will change the pattern? Nope. You stand huge chance of getting rejected the 4th time.

 

Am i abnormal here? is that so for others.

 

You are at a losing end because you are emotional about him. You have 4 pages of head banging over this man. What if you started seeing him and one day you went to work and you found out he was having sex with the other woman? That is what people do when they hang out or date casually, the possibility of sex. What would you do and be honest with yourself.

 

 

He doesn't flirt openly. He tries to hide it from me but i catch him at it.

 

And you catch him flirting with her? If yes, please stop doing this to yourself and find your self-respect. You shouldn't have to lower yourself this way for a man to pay attention to you.

 

As for her she is my closest friend at work and she is in the dark. She has no idea whatsoever what happened between me and him and that other woman.

 

This is so toxic. I really cannot understand why you continue to put yourself in a situation whereby you're an option to this man. If he can't make you his priority, then walk away.