BF took my suggestion for us to lose weight as attack on his looks. Help?

[YellowLioness]

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Yesterday, I think I did a bad bad thing. Sort of. I need advice. I went walking with some friends who are in a long term relationship. I knew that I needed to lose weight, and when they told me about the diet that they were on, I thought, "Hey, me and MY boyfriend could do this." Especially because he and I could stand to lose a few lbs. Not only that, but I'm tired of feeling tired all the time. I want more energy, and I want to fit into my size 12s again, darn it! :-)

 

On thing they said that stuck with me is that, "If you live with your sig other, it is better if you BOTH diet at the same time for support and consistancy."

 

I thought, "Hey, that sounds reasonable."

 

I pick my bf up from his second job, and tell him what I discussed with K&D on our walk. At first he said, "I'm not into that no carb thing." Then, I suggested just cooking food in a different way, cutting out chips, pizza, Taco Bell, beer, ciggs (you get the picture of why we are over weight and unhealthy). He was receptive to this, and seemed to understand where I was coming from. I was wrong.

 

I said, "Boy, I would look great if I were at 140 lbs again!" Wil is 6'4 and close to 300 lbs. He has a large beer belly, and I have found it somewhat unnattractive for some time, but was afraid to say anything in fear of hurting his low self esteem. Wil has a very handsome face and great legs. He said, "Do you think I would look better if I lost weight?"

 

Unbeknownst to me, this was a loaded question.

 

"Sure you would. You'd be a real head turner if you lost 30lbs and turned some of that weight into muscle!"

 

Whoops.

 

He went on this big spiel about how I didn't think he was attractive, how he felt bad about being so big, how kids had always picked on him and called him names because of his weight. I said, "We can work on our weight together ,Wil. I would look alot better if I trimmed down from my 175 to a 140."

 

He said, "I was fine with my looks until you weren't. I thought you said that you thought I was sexy."

 

I went on to explain that I did think he was sexy, that I had always found him desirable and wanted him, but that we should learn to be healthy before we were older, or had kids, or just less time in which to improve ourselves. I said that it was important to learn how to take care of ourselves for the future.

 

He was very fixated on the sexiness factor. I tried my best to reassure him. Now, he's eating nothing but salads and drinking water. His attitude is that of sulkiness. I don't know what to do or how to handle this. Any suggestions?

[uriel]

Your problem is the man senses the truth. At the same time you say you find him sexy, you also write, "I have found it [his beer gut] somewhat unnattractive for some time." The guy knows you well enough, sounds like, to get the subtext here.

 

You'd sulk too if he told you some aspect of yourself wasn't up to snuff. If he told you he thought you could stand to lose weight -- had initiated the conversation -- you might feel the same as he does right now: not accepted as you are, not as desirable and comfortable with your partner as you assumed. He's not imagining this.

 

The problem is, he's self-conscious about his weight, even if he hasn't expressed that to you in the past. He feels bad about it. He believes other people -- the world -- looks down on him for it (as a fat person myself, I can say, yes, it does). Now you, who were a source of safety and acceptance for him, have admitted you have some of those feelings, too.

 

What you can do now is to be supportive and loving in general -- not focused on this area. Initiate sex and have fun together. When he softens back up toward you and calms down about this, tell him how sincerely sorry you are. Let him know you feel badly about your own weight, and you hoped you could have a partner to work on it with.

 

But, above all, don't whitewash now that you've told the truth. He'll sense your attempt to make nice without meaning it. Tell him you love him no matter what -- if you mean it. Remind him it's not the same as those kids on the playground who judged him by his appearance; you love the guy inside, and obviously like the outside pretty well too if you're still with him and not looking for someone else.

 

Maybe then he'll be willing and able to work on your weight together.

 

-- uriel

[lydiamarie]

ditto to everything uriel said

 

only eating salads and drinking water isn't the way to lose a significant amount of weight and keep it off. in order to do that you need a diet that you can live with. eat fish and foul, fruits and veggies. eat whole grains. limit sugars and white bread and cheese.

 

i don't think you need to completely overhaul the way you eat, either. you could try cutting out a couple of problem foods and the cigarettes, but maybe leave the beer in your diet-you can work on reducing the number of drinks you have as a second or third step (if that's something you ever need to do) or you could replace the beer with something healthier like red wine (good for the heart).

 

focus on being healthy and not on losing weight-maybe if you say you want you to both be healthy, then the attention will be taken away from the way you both look.

[YellowLioness]

uriel (btw, I really like that you chose that archangel...I've heard that both uriel and gabriel are supposed to have feminine qualities)

Thank you for your post. Yes, I think you're right. I think I may chang tactics, and focus more on team work (us accomplishing a goal together) then to allow him to think he's all alone in this. He even said, "Maybe that was just the boost I needed to start taking care of my self."

:-)

 

Yellow

[uriel]

Glad he's talking with you about this again, YL. Sounds like you've got a good relationship. It's common for me and my partner to have a blow-up over some previously unmentioned honesty and then get over it with good results -- we actually work to make the situation better. Sounds like you two are heading in that direction. Good luck!

 

-- uriel