He'll always be with me

[Ang.gg]

Thank you for bearing with me while I write this. I never thought I'd need to write this to get out my feelings.

 

My A started almost 3 years ago with the husband of an in law who started contacting me out of the blue. I had never given him any thought because he was always family. As it goes he eventually expressed his feelings for me and wanted to pursue an affair. I was at a point in my life where I was susceptible due to being in a strained marriage with someone who was/is suffering from a mental disorder. I stupidly accepted because we were both in difficult places with our marriages and I wanted a distraction from the chaos of my home life.

 

Fast forward 1 year later and I was done with the A because I wasn't getting anything out of it. We both agreed on the terms before it started that it was only physical. Nothing more. He expressed feelingUs of it lasting long term. I made it clear that was impossible due to a relationship not being able to last on sex alone. Seven to eight months in I was becoming jaded. I didn't broach the topic of ending it until almost a year after it started because I wait to see if I could get over my feelings of no feelings allowed in a long term sexual relationship.

 

I couldn't, so I approached him. I accepted responsibility for my failures of living up to the agreement and tried to end it amicably with no hard feelings. He would not accept it. He said he wanted to work harder at giving me what I needed and not being so selfish. I told him the only thing I wanted was him to care. I didn't want him to take me out. Didn't want him spending money on me. Just that when we saw each other that he showed he cared. Would it hurt to call once in a while to talk. I missed talking to him. I always came when he called. I tried to get him to understand what I was doing for him I wouldn't do for anyone else so could he at least respect that? I wanted our relationship to be based on honesty, trust, and respect. Pretty stupid in retrospect huh? Honesty about and feelings good or bad about what was going on, trust that neither would intentionally hurt the other regarding the nature of the relationship so and respect for each others marriages so as not to attempt to undermine the others.

 

I felt sorry for the position he was in in his marriage. He often expressed his unhappiness and unworthiness he felt despite all he did for his wife. He spoiled her. She didn't need to work but did to give her something to do.

I was jealous because I was so miserable with having a deadbeat mentally unstable husband.

 

To be continued---

[Ang.gg]

Month 12-16 went better but after that he regressed again. It was not uncommon for him to ignore my messages or calls and seemed uninterested. I list count of how many times I tried to approach to end things amicably. He would ignore or say we'd talk later but he would never respond. Months 21-23 I didn't hear from him. Since something seemed wrong I gave him his space. Finally he breaks NC and said he was upset with me because I got my feelings involved. The sex wasn't suppose to mean anything. I asked why wouldn't you accept my offer of ending things? I approached him first. I took responsibility. He's the one that wanted to continue. I tried to end things over my feelings but he said no and now he's blaming me.

 

He had me over one night at the 2 year mark. I asked why he was doing this. He knows its been over. Why try to revive something that's been dead a long time. We talked for over an hour. I hate to say it but I caved and we did the deed. For the first time in a long time it felt like it meant something. It was amazing. I missed him so much.

 

We saw each other once after that the next month. He talked hopefully about resuming our relationship. Then come Dec of last year he started the ignoring again. I was either ignored or **** down when I approached. Which btw was infrequent for fear of alienating him and seeming needy. My attempts were futile. I approached him just after Christmas to talk things out. I didn't want hard feelings. It was too late for me. I already had them. I just didnt want it awkward when we had family get togethers which we do every so often. He said we'd talk. He never called. I was crushed. I grew to care about him when he threw me a bone once in a while. Loved him for who he was and mistakenly thought he was a decent person. He wasn't.

 

I wanted him to be happy. I always tried to give him space. Messages back when he texted. Came when he called. Made it memorable at each of our encounters.

Clearly it meant more to me than it ever did to him. He said he'd change. Said we'd talk but never did. When I called for him he ignored me. I am so pathetic. I cared so much for someone who lied and only acted like he cared but didnt

 

To be continued

[Ang.gg]

Due to family obligations like dinner we have to see each other which has been 4-5 times since the start of the year. The first time in February he asked if we could keep up our relationship. I didn't know how to react because he asked in a room full of family in a way no one would know what he was talking about. I responded positively and smiling for fear of anyone catching on and wondering what I was saying no to. I was like a deer caught in head lights.

 

I didn't expect anything. Every time we see each other he looks at me longingly. His face says he misses me. I don't know why because he won't talk to me. He tries to touch me in discreet ways. I don't return it. I've tried not to engage it. I've been angry and sad with him for so long and wish I could be done with him but I can't. I hate that he keeps fishing. I wish he'd stop looking at me.

He went so far as to message me last Sunday before dinner to say he was looking forward to seeing me. Nm that 3 wks earlier I messaged to say if he wanted to talk like he said he wanted to 2 weeks earlier then to do it otherwise lose my number. He said we'd talk later. Of course you can guess he didn't call.

 

After dinner Sunday I deleted his texts and his number from my phone. I dread every time I see him now and am angry.

Why after all this do I still think about him so much. The pain is still raw yet I miss him. I saw 2 sides of him. One that showed he had a heart but that is overshadowed but how many more times he showed he didn't

 

It hurts because I can't imagine treating someone the way he treated me when I not only lent him my ear but also all of me.

I could have handled a long term relationship if he showed he cared by calling once in a while or making our encounters different by showing he cared but he didn't.

 

I'm trying to move on. I want to get to that indifferent stage. I have to hold fast when he tries to elicit a response from me. I'm not here to feed his ego. That's what his wife is for. I don't want to know about him. I want to stop caring but more importantly I want to stop hurting

[Ang.gg]

Sadly yes. There is no blood relation involving our spouses however

 

If I had insurance I'd see a therapist because I know I have issues that I need help resolving.

 

This experience has become a reminder for why I will not engage in this behavior again. I'm slowly realizing my self worth for how I want to be treated and am working to resolve my marital issues

[Emme]

I agree with therapy.

 

You seem to have other issues that need to be resolved from your marriage. That's why your emotions and sensitivity are in need of affection. I don't want to say I understand him not calling but the two of you are too close for comfort. There is no way to have relations unless it's the norm without drawing attention to yourselves.

 

You have to be strong and you have to find the will to get your self respect back. You can't blame a man for how he treats you. You feel the way you do because you allow it. That self love can't be diminished by someone else. How do you fight this hold he seems to have over you is to focus on yourself. Say NO! Don't socialize. Be negative. Don't care who is present, who will find out.

 

Adding this relationship to the one that's already stressing you to stray is not healthy. You know you can do better. Make the choice. Fight.

[Stoneman70]

So...were you two ever in love? Did he tell you he was in love?

 

If just sex, and your feelings developed..then you just have to avoid him as much as possible, change your number. This is a hard situation...

 

I hope the best for you

[2sunny]

If you want to stop hurting you need to remove the source of he pain.

 

Since you don't indicate if that's really your H or OM - you decide.

 

Since you don't ask a question - its hard to know what help you're looking for...

[Ang.gg]

Thank you for the replies everyone,

 

2Sunny, I apologize for not making clear the intentions of my posting I the first place. Mainly because I felt the need to express what I was feeling and being able to read it from a 3rd person perspective to see how screwed it and I am. The only other person that knows the whole truth is my hairstylist and I only see him every 8 wks. I felt like this could be an outlet for me

 

I wish changing my number could be that easy but it's not because family and his BS would need to have it for calling me.

 

My self worth and esteem has been virtually non existent my entire life and I've developed an anxiety and depression issue over the years from the poor state of my marital issues and not addressing them properly. I finally stood up for myself to my husband on what's been wrong and how I have been unfairly treated all these years. It's also at this time that the ground work was laid for setting my foot down with xMM and not responding to his advances.

 

I'm inching closer to feeling ready to move on with my life because I've done bad all these years and allowed myself to be poorly treated because I didn't think I could do better

[Spark1111]

I may be wrong. but it sounds like you both used each other to make yourselves feel good as it acted like a diversion from Confronting and fixing the problems in both your marriages.

 

That is conflict avoidance in the extreme, and it the most self-destructive way possible to do so.

 

Men need sex to feel love; Or men need sex, period. It makes them feel oh-so-much-better, whether feelings are involved or not.

 

Women, for the most part, are incapable of having sex with someone and NOT developing emotional attachments to them. It is how we are biologically engineered.

 

Can't be helped. Have sex long enough with one man and we produce chemicals that MAKE us have emotional feelings for a man, even a bad man, or one that may be using us. We will them project our emotions onto him. and convince ourselves he feels the same way about us, as we do about him.

 

Big mistake, and the cause of a lot of heartache where women are concerned.

 

Cut this guy loose. He did not perceive, maybe never did, the relationship the same way you did.

 

Address your marital issues. If your H won't fix himself and meet your needs, cut him loose too.

 

Focus on you. Get selfish. Figure out what you want and make a plan to get it, with or without your depressed H who doesn't seem to care enough about you to get better and fulfill your needs.

 

Get stronger and more confident. Men can sense vulnerability and loneliness in a woman from a mile away and close in for the "kill".

 

You don't want or need that kind of man. You need a man that respects you for who you are. Hopefully your H will step up to the plate for you.

 

I'm rooting for you! Get busy with you.

[2sunny]

Thank you for the replies everyone,

 

2Sunny, I apologize for not making clear the intentions of my posting I the first place. Mainly because I felt the need to express what I was feeling and being able to read it from a 3rd person perspective to see how screwed it and I am. The only other person that knows the whole truth is my hairstylist and I only see him every 8 wks. I felt like this could be an outlet for me

 

I wish changing my number could be that easy but it's not because family and his BS would need to have it for calling me.

 

My self worth and esteem has been virtually non existent my entire life and I've developed an anxiety and depression issue over the years from the poor state of my marital issues and not addressing them properly. I finally stood up for myself to my husband on what's been wrong and how I have been unfairly treated all these years. It's also at this time that the ground work was laid for setting my foot down with xMM and not responding to his advances.

 

I'm inching closer to feeling ready to move on with my life because I've done bad all these years and allowed myself to be poorly treated because I didn't think I could do better

 

So - if you divorce your H - does that mean you no longer have to see the MM?

 

That seems like a double win in this case!

 

You can say no! No, I don't want to go to that gathering! No I don't want to see that man - he's creepy! I have feelings for him and he's invading our marriage!

 

That would be the start to you being HONEST!

[PeineDeCoeur]

Hi there;

 

You mentioned your H has a mental illness. My stbxh has too and the last few years have been tough living through crisis after crisis. Living like that left me vulnerable to making some bad choices, including an A, so I can relate to some of what you are describing in your posts.

 

Therapy has helped me immeasurably. It is hard dealing with a spouse who suffers from mental illness, but I believe it's quite common for a spouse to begin suffering as well.

 

Affairs are wonderful distractions, that keep you standing still looking at the sky when a train is coming to hit you at full speed. Work at focussing on yourself, start casting your mind toward what kind of relationship you want for yourself. It's hard to shift the focus back from good memories of the A and analyzing your AP's motivations, but this will not actually get you to a better place. Start the thought processes about where you want to be in life and, in time, you will start moving on.

 

You also need to have some backup plans for these family get-togethers that shut your MM down. I'm sure he doesn't want anyone to know.. make it clear there will be consequences if he doesn't stop.

 

Edited to add: Just read Spark's post! There are some similar themes here - sorry for duplication

Edited June 15, 2012 by PeineDeCoeur