Lady Posted October 13, 2000 Share Posted October 13, 2000 My friend who we will call*Lisa* has got into a pretty complicated situation.She is married to a military man who has mistreated her verbally and physically.Well,she has never got up the courage to leave him before until he called a couple weeks ago stating he no longer loved her or their 4 year old son(who her husband says isn't his).He said some very cruel things to her and things about their child. He said that he wanted to be free of responsibilty.Which in plain english means he's screwing other people.See,to make this post easier to follow I will name him*Bob*.Bob since the early part of the relationship has been very mean to Lisa ever since the began dating.Many friends and family urged her not to marry him because they believed he was no good.But she felt she didn't have a choice because she was kicked out of her father's house and was pregnant at the time with Bob's child(which by the way IS his because the child looks just like his father and plus,she didn't sleep with anyone else).Ok fast forward to the present,Lisa is living with Bob's in laws for the past year back in their home town and Bob is still living on the military base where he is stationed.They have been seperated that long.Of course this was Bob's idea they do this,at the time it sounded like he wanted the best for their young family(they both are only 21 years old)so Lisa agreed to this.Well,since then he called her saying awful things about her again,and saying like I said before,that he didn't love her or want to have anything to do with their child.He also stated that she will never find anyone else which brings me to the next subject: She did meet someone else.A local boy that we both went to highschool with,we will call him*Justin*.I know Justin would be good to Lisa,and he loves her child already.But he is still a bit stand offish because Lisa is still married and he is afraid of getting too attached because he is afraid that Lisa will dump him when her soon to be ex comes back into town on leave in December.I know my friend really loves Justin,and wouldn't do that.She is ready for a change in her life and wants to have a future with Justin.She feels nothing for Bob anymore.The only thing that Lisa is afraid is stricking out on her own,she has always had Bob for financial support and never has had a job.I don't think it's neccessarly because she doesn't want to work it's more because she is afriad to.Bob has really done a number on Lisa's self esteem and she lacks confidence in herself.She tends to get very nervous in social situations because of all the negative put downs from Bob.This guy is a really big a**h*** and she needs to get away from him and start over.She can do this with Justin,she has tried to talk to Justin about this but fails to get right to the point of telling him that she wants to be with him and not Bob.Justin really doesn't believe this because Lisa is still living with her inlaws.Bob will not and has not sent any money for her and her child in months.He(Bob) would rather go out drinking with the boys or to the local strip joints.So she's kind of stuck there for now because she can't move out without the money to get established with.So basically I'm stuck when comes to trying to give her advice,I'm not sure what to say to her.Can anyone out there help me help her? Thanks everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Paulie Posted October 13, 2000 Share Posted October 13, 2000 Where's Lisa's family in all this?? She need support...support outside this damn in-law's family. File for divorce, get all she can from this guy...believe me, I don't think she'll have a hard time. Any competent judge will take pretty good care of her. If she shows that she's taking these steps, maybe this new guy will see this, and become more willing to become involved in a relationship. HOWEVER HOWEVER HOWEVER HOWEVER THIS NEW GUY SHOULD NOT BE HER TOP PRIORITY RIGHT NOW. The child, ending her marraige, her well-being, her health, etc. should be her top priority. As far as the guy goes, she takes care of herself first and foremost, the guy will see this, have more respect for her, she'll have more respect for herself, she'll be happier, the new guy will see closure of this poor excuse for a marraige. Everybody wins... Including the old husband... who can now spend the remaining HALF of whatever he makes on as many strip clubs as he wants. Good luck...the answer is pretty clear-cut to me. Paulie Link to post Share on other sites
Nina Posted October 13, 2000 Share Posted October 13, 2000 Hey there. There are plenty of resources available for battered women recently estranged from their spouses. Usually there are local services in the area. Contact Social services, look in the yellow pages. Most of these services are free or cost a minimal fee. There are centers to help women develop job skills, write resumes and apply for jobs. Check out this website for more links http://www.ericksonmediation.com/links.htm I urge you to at least give her a list of phone numbers. There are also shelters for battered women where she can go. As far as this person "Justin", I have my doubts about a persons true kind nature when they are calloused and ignorant about the issue of abuse. It seems quite obvious to me that an abused woman would feel very low self esteem and have few resources on hand to support herself, even before I began studying psychology. Link to post Share on other sites
Paulie Posted October 13, 2000 Share Posted October 13, 2000 I totally agree with nina, also... She made a very valid (and necessary) point that somehow I overlooked, or failed to mention. Paulie Link to post Share on other sites
Cassie Posted October 13, 2000 Share Posted October 13, 2000 I have a niece who was in a similar situation. Here's what she did. First of all, contact the military - they don't play footsies with these guys regarding support for the children. The money can, and will be deducted from his pay. Also, if he is claiming the child isn't his - a paternity test will prove that. The military will pay for that too. She needs to see an attorney and file for divorce. The military also has attorneys available. Sounds like she needs to get out of this situation and a.s.a.p.so that she can start building a new life for herself and child. Link to post Share on other sites
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