Scarlett422 Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 I think that Im going crazy.... My Daughter (17) has been dating a really great guy. They have been dating for almost 1 year, 3 weeks ago he broke up with her. She thought something was up but she was not prepared for it, Sunday it was I love you, Monday it was over. She asked him 3 times over the next 2 weeks to leave her alone so she could get her emotions and feelings in check, he didn't. One day it was I still love you, the next it was pick a reason as to why I don't want to date you any more. Then last Sunday he said - I don't want to talk you any more. No texts, calls, and he's even deleted his FB page. This is not her first breakup, the last one was similar, ultimately ending in the ex dating one of her best friends three days later. All in all my daughter has taken it well - however, *I* am having an issue with this! I seem to be obsessing over this whole situation!!! Any suggestions as to what I can do to get this under control in my own mind so I can be an encouraging parent? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 What exactly do you find unsettling about this ? If this guy broke up with her like this, he couldn't have been such a great guy ... actually he was kinda dirt. PS: Have her join LS when she turns 18 ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarlett422 Posted June 14, 2012 Author Share Posted June 14, 2012 Im not sure what is bugging me exactly. I know that its the usual stuff, she loves him (as much as a 17yr old can) he doesn't love her, etc. He told her she wasn't "girlie" enough. Perhaps its that he doesn't think she's good enough. IMO She's too good for him! I just seem to be having a very hard time putting this out of my mind - and that is what I need help with! I know she is better off without some guy trying to change her - she's fine as she is. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 I suggest you just focus on your daughter and try to leave the guy out of it. She no doubt needs some distractions, cheering up, and a quiet listener. If you focus on providing those things, and don't get wrapped up in discussing what you think of the guy and his character, etc., you will probably soon be focussing on your daughter rather than her break up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 Im not sure what is bugging me exactly. I know that its the usual stuff, she loves him (as much as a 17yr old can) he doesn't love her, etc. He told her she wasn't "girlie" enough. Perhaps its that he doesn't think she's good enough. IMO She's too good for him! I just seem to be having a very hard time putting this out of my mind - and that is what I need help with! I know she is better off without some guy trying to change her - she's fine as she is. Are you usually very involved in your daughter's life ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarlett422 Posted June 14, 2012 Author Share Posted June 14, 2012 Yes Radu I am. More than likey too much! Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 In general or just in this instance ? If in general, have you ever thought you might live vicariously through your daughter ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarlett422 Posted June 15, 2012 Author Share Posted June 15, 2012 Radu - I've joked with her that I do live thru her and her brother. I'm trying VERY hard to do nothing more than encourage her to be strong and to get her to talk to her friends, most of which are guys and The friends are mutual between her and the ex. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 It sounds to me like you are too emotionally invested in your daughter's relationship with her ex, and you are taking this breakup as some kind of personal rejection of you. As if you had been the jilted party, rather than your daughter. That's not real healthy for a parent to take it so hard when a teenage romance runs its course and ends. Sounds to me like you are too enmeshed with your children and you need to develop your own life to a greater extent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarlett422 Posted June 15, 2012 Author Share Posted June 15, 2012 Kathy (and everyone) - I feel that you are right. Now, HOW do I get this out of my mind and more importantly NOT let it happen again! I've tried reading, immersing myself in work, etc etc etc. They all work for a little while, but not for the long term. I need something to help me get this gone for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Kathy (and everyone) - I feel that you are right. Now, HOW do I get this out of my mind and more importantly NOT let it happen again! I've tried reading, immersing myself in work, etc etc etc. They all work for a little while, but not for the long term. I need something to help me get this gone for sure. You don't say if you are married or single, but in any case, you need to develop your own romantic life so you won't be investing romantic emotions yourself into your daughter's relationships. Focus on spending romantic time, going on dates, etc., with your husband, or if you are not married, cultivate a relationship with a potential suitor for you, rather than focusing so much on your daughter's love life. Boyfriends will come and go for her. You need to realize that, and not invest such emotional energy into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarlett422 Posted June 15, 2012 Author Share Posted June 15, 2012 I'm married and have been for a long time. I don't think that I feel the romantic side of the relationship between my daughter and her fellas. Perhaps its the companionship side of the relationship that I'm concerned about. Her last long relationship, the ex got ALL the friends when it ended (they all go to a VERY small school). This time is not so bad, the mutual friends seem to be leaning more toward her. Maybe I'm thinking that once school starts back they will dump her for him. Especially if he starts dating a classmate that is more popular, which will hurt her a 100 ways from Sunday?!?!?!? Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 I'm married and have been for a long time. I don't think that I feel the romantic side of the relationship between my daughter and her fellas. Perhaps its the companionship side of the relationship that I'm concerned about. Her last long relationship, the ex got ALL the friends when it ended (they all go to a VERY small school). This time is not so bad, the mutual friends seem to be leaning more toward her. Maybe I'm thinking that once school starts back they will dump her for him. Especially if he starts dating a classmate that is more popular, which will hurt her a 100 ways from Sunday?!?!?!? She seems to be coping allright, so I wouldn't worry too much about it. You really can't control what the friends do. If they chose to abandon your daughter for popularity reasons, then they weren't really much of a friend to begin with. No loss there. Just be there for your daughter if she expresses a need to talk about it, and be alert for any signs of worries she's having, but allow her to move past this in the way she wishes. Please don't make this sound to her worse than it is, and don't feed her hurt feelings about this, which it appears to me that you are projecting your own hurt feelings onto her. You are taking this harder than she is. Your job is to support her when she wants to talk about it without fueling the hurt feelings, and help her to see the positives she has going for her, and that this is just one chapter in her life, one experience, which she will recover from and can move past. Be encouraging to her and empower her to be a strong, resilient young woman. You also can model resilience by not going into depression about the break up yourself. You seem to have symptoms of depression from this breakup, if you are taking this so hard. Your daughter will pick up on those feelings, and that could prevent her from being resilient about this. Get your feelings of depression/loss in check/under control, and be there to talk if your daughter wishes to talk about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarlett422 Posted June 15, 2012 Author Share Posted June 15, 2012 After talking a friend that is going thru a very similar thing with her daughter - we both jokingly decided that we have unresolved childhood issues that are causing these feelings. Then a 2x4 hit me and I realize that obviously do have something bugging me. I think that Im going to go see a counselor and try to get this resolved before I transfer this issue on to my daughter or my son. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 After talking a friend that is going thru a very similar thing with her daughter - we both jokingly decided that we have unresolved childhood issues that are causing these feelings. Then a 2x4 hit me and I realize that obviously do have something bugging me. I think that Im going to go see a counselor and try to get this resolved before I transfer this issue on to my daughter or my son. You have a separate issue of your own that is causing you to focus on your daughters relationships? I'll take a stab in the dark here, are you at all worried that this will keep happening to her because she doesnt dress girlie enough like the popular girls do? Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 After talking a friend that is going thru a very similar thing with her daughter - we both jokingly decided that we have unresolved childhood issues that are causing these feelings. Then a 2x4 hit me and I realize that obviously do have something bugging me. I think that Im going to go see a counselor and try to get this resolved before I transfer this issue on to my daughter or my son. Seeing a counselor is usually a good idea. Helps you to get in touch with unresolved feelings, or unconscious feelings. Maybe you had experiences of abandonment in your childhood, and that is why you are having a harder time with this breakup than your daughter is. Maybe you never got over some relationship failure in your past that you are now projecting those feelings from a failed relationship onto your daughter. By all means, get counseling and see where this might be coming from. It sounds to me like you are too enmeshed with your children, and counseling will help with that issue also. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scarlett422 Posted June 15, 2012 Author Share Posted June 15, 2012 Eddie - Im not concerned that shes not 100% princess. She does have a wide variety of interests, everything from cars to fashion. She is more popular than she isn't and is a varsity cheerleader. After her ex-best friend took her boyfriend she started hanging out with the guys more, as she said, they wont take your BF (LOL) but she does have female friends as well. She is handling the breakup fine - I'm the one with the issues. Yes I am concerned that her heart will keep getting broken and that one day she might decide not to keep trying, but I think that every parent thinks that after their kid gets hurt. Breakups help people realize what they want and don't want. I've emailed a counselor that a family friend recommended - she's a psychiatrist but as she is a friend I cannot and will not ask her for help, its not fair to either of us. Hopefully it will help soon! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts