Deciding on which country to live in. I'm upset

[sarahrb]

I really don't know where to post this as it does involve a relationship, but it also touches on other issues to do with friends, being lonely, big life decisions..

 

please tell me if there is another sub-forum that would be better for this -

 

I’ll start from the beginning – well, in terms of my situation as it stands right now. After graduating from University in 2009 (in the UK), I decided to spend a year working in Canada (Toronto, more specifically). At the time, I’d just split up with a long-term boyfriend whom I’d lived with throughout University. I was really confused about what my next move should be, as I wasn’t being drawn to living in London like everyone else seemed to be doing. I felt trapped and unsure about where to go. I was living back with my mum and after about 6 months of working part-time in a retail job, I decided to apply for a working-holiday visa. It was the bravest decision I’ve ever made in my life and looking back now, I think I was a bit mad – jumping on a plane, flying off to a country I knew relatively little about, where I knew no-one, had no job and nowhere to live – all at the age of 21. Soon after landing, I had the usual second thoughts, but eventually things slotted into place – I found a place to live and a pretty cool job. I was still really lonely though. This all changed when I met my boyfriend, who moved in soon after we met. Looking back now, I think it happened because we’re both quite needy people who don’t like being on our own. We lived in the house I shared with other roommates and eventually got our own place last October. Things were never really that great between us – he isn’t a good communicator and I have/had a lot of expectations of him. Saying that, we did share a lot of good memories together and he was and still is my best friend. I just know, deep down, that he isn’t the one for me, which has been really hard to accept and act on, especially when I don’t really have anyone other than him (and my mum)!

 

In late January I had a huge shock when looking online - that my visa application was going to be denied because immigration had changed their residency requirements for UK citizens wanting to get visas in Canada. Although I’d be contemplating coming back to the UK, it was just awful, realising that I’d have to leave in less than 2 months (as my visa expired at the end of March). My boyfriend and I were devastated and I researched every way I possible could of staying in Canada, but it all sort of seemed right – like it was happening for a reason, especially as we’d already spoken about not being able to leave each other, even though we both knew I wasn’t happy (which was affecting my boyfriend being happy). When we got the news, it was such a huge shock, but I felt like it was a sign and it was happening for a reason. I left Canada at the end of March and said good bye to my boyfriend, thinking that this was it and I’d be able to get on with my life in England no problem.

 

As soon as I returned home, I began to look back on my time in Toronto completely differently. I realised how I’d taken it all for granted and not made the most of the experience or the country I was living in. I felt that I was unhappy due to not having many friends and just put all of that expectation of happiness onto my boyfriend, whom I thought was the real issue. I just wanted to head back over to Toronto but obviously couldn’t. We spoke every night for hours at a time and the plan was for me to move back to Canada as soon as I could (which will be maybe 2-3 months from now). In the last few weeks though, I’ve been having rows with my boyfriend and feel like I’m just so confused about what to do. I’ve adjusted to being back in England and am lucky enough to be working temporarily, so I’m earning money and gaining experience in a sector I’m really interested in working in. Living back with my mum is great and annoying at the same time. What I do lack where I’m currently living is any friends (they are all in London and even then, they aren’t that close). I’m so unhappy living like this – with no independence and not knowing where to turn. I haven’t really accepted that my relationship is over, but I think I’m missing my boyfriend in terms of him being my best friend. I’m drawn to going back to visit him, at least for a holiday, which we’ve both spoken about. However, I’m aware that I don’t want to confuse myself and make things worse for me. I’d love to get away and have a holiday and see some sun (because it doesn’t look like we’ll get any summer in England this year)!

 

The biggest issue I face is deciding which country to live in and determining where I should live in terms of my happiness. I’ve mulled it over almost every night and just can’t seem to settle on anything. I almost think that going back over to Toronto this summer might make things clearer in my mind about where to go from here, as I feel that I can’t decide on anything at the moment and nothing seems to change in my brain.

 

 

 

Toronto and Canada has the weather – I love having hot summers and cold winters, it has the novelty of being foreign to me and be being foreign in it, it has my best friend living there and the ability for me to have a lifestyle that is comfortable. I can easily get a job paying £25,000+ and living costs are a lot lower than England. Not to mention, I feel safer there and there just seems to be less doom and gloom than here in England.

 

However, England is where my family are, my few friends that I have live and it has great tv, lots to do for free and is my home. I hate the weather, it’s expensive living in London (and no, I wouldn’t live elsewhere if I stayed in the UK as I have no other contacts elsewhere). I feel unsafe in England compared to Canada and I’m shocked at how expensive London seems to be in terms of rent. It seems more scary to me – the thought of moving to London, not having anywhere to live, rather than moving back to Toronto where I know the areas, the streets, the prices..etc.

 

I know I don’t want to live in Canada all my life but just feel like moving to London would be like giving up on any adventure. I’m so scared of being unhappy wherever I move to, but I realise doing something is better than doing nothing and it will take some trial and error.

 

Please, can someone offer some advice about what they think I should do? Perhaps someone that’s been in a similar situation in terms of moving abroad and returning home. There are so many issues that all seem to be connected and I can’t tackle them because it just hurts my brain trying to do it. I feel that I want to have more fun and worry that I’m 24 and have been unhappy for so long (largely due to putting my boyfriend’s (in the past) first and not investing in friendships..I get lazy and would rather stay in with ice cream than go out on the town).. I know that I’m unhappy the way I am living right now and need to do something soon to overcome this. I have the chance to visit Toronto this summer and stay with my boyfriend/ex – whatever he is! I have contemplated travelling around Canada for a bit on my own too just to have that head space and to see more of the country that I was unable to see when I was living there.. do you think it’s a good idea or not? To go back there.. the thought of not going back makes me feel like I’d never be able to make a decision about my future..somehow, I hope it would clarify things for me.. saying that, it could also just confuse me even more! Argh listen to me – how confused do I sound?! Please help!

[Crusoe]

Were I 24 with no ties I would be heading to Canada. England is a dying country and the future is pretty bleak for your generation. If you have a chance to get out and build a life in a country like Canada I recommend taking that chance. If all fails you can still come home, but if you wait, the chance may never arise again.

[Els]

I moved abroad to be with my bf, but in my case it was a fairly clear-cut decision. It was hard, sure, it's always hard to move away from your family and friends, but it was something I knew I would have to do for the sake of my future. If I hadn't been with the bf, I might not have moved to THAT country in particular, but I still would have moved somewhere else.

 

My opinion is that it never hurts to try. You should go and try over the summer - what do you have to lose? You could always go back if you change your mind, and it doesn't sound like you'd be giving up anything irreversible (a once-in-a-lifetime job, etc) to do it. So go for it.

[FitChick]

If there is a legal way for you to move and stay in Canada, go for it.

[JamesMay]

Hi Sarah,

 

Having moved around to different countries since I was a kid and being in another country now, I can relate how you are feeling. After being settled for 8 years for end of secondary school and uni I am living abroad again after a 'bad break-up' situation.

 

I think you should seperate two things: your relationship with your Canadian friend, who you seem to care for dearly but do not want to share a relationship with, and your unhappiness with life back in Britain.

 

The first seems to me quite clear. Keep him as a friend but trust your gut feeling when you recieved the news about the visum. The second is the very familiar 'grass is always greener' syndrome which you will have to embrace like anyone who has spent a while in another country. To be honest I think you should definitely consider London, as it is a great city to spend some time, meet a lot of people from everywhere and think about life. If it feels too close to home I would recommend spending some time in another country. I know Australia has 1 year working visa's and a friend of mine spent a great year in Sydney. As a British citizen you can live anywhere in the EU, with a lot of beautiful cities and hospitable climates.

 

Whatever you do, make sure it is not yourself you're trying to run away from, as every country has it's up and down sides and the potential to offer you a happy life. England is a beautiful country and a great sense of humour. If you are sensitive to the weather though, as a lot of people are, moving to a sunnier climate might not be a bad idea.

 

Hope this was helpful to you!

 

Greets,

JamesMay

[writergal]

You're young. I say, go for it! Otherwise if you don't take this change, another may not come along. When I was 26, I spent a year teaching in southern China. I had a fantastic adventure and am so glad I went.

[denise_xo]

The biggest issue I face is deciding which country to live in and determining where I should live in terms of my happiness. I’ve mulled it over almost every night and just can’t seem to settle on anything.

 

I've moved countries various times and travelled extensively. My reaction to the point above is that you are approaching a state where you are over thinking it. Sometimes you won't reach a decision by thinking, especially not at the level of "where I should live in terms of my happiness" kind of issues. You won't know if you'll be happy until you try - and that applies both to London/England and Canada. IME, you can always make friends, if you give it some times and effort. It takes close to a year to properly settle into a place and establish something of a social base (alternatively, to settle in back home after time abroad). Also, if you don't move now, you can always make a move in a few year's time. Take it easy

[sarahrb]

Thank you for all of your replies. I think people that are just telling me to move to Canada to be with my boyfriend have maybe misinterpreted my original post. I don’t want to move back to Canada to be with my boyfriend/ex. I think I have to almost take him out of the equation, as it doesn’t look likely that me and him have a future in terms of a relationship.

 

I agree with Elswyth that I haven’t got anything to lose by going over in summer for visit. I am a little worried it will confuse things even more though, as I’d be staying with my ex and his parents (who he currently lives with).

 

JamesMay – thanks for your post. I can really tell you get what I’m going through. It’s just so hard to separate the two things – my ex and which country I want to be in. I really am feeling more and more drawn to London, as I think I’m more likely to be happy there than in Toronto really.. I think there are more choices for jobs, friends I know, proximity to family, etc. I didn’t mention in my first post, but my mum has kidney failure too so she’s on the transplant list. I can’t feel that moving back to Canada would be like deserting her and I have a lot of guilt about leaving her as she is separated from my dad and is quite lonely. I get that I can’t stay in the UK for my mum, but I also don’t want to move back to Canada on a whim, or for the wrong reasons. I really don’t want to move elsewhere, not yet anyway, but thanks for the suggestions about Australia. If I really think about it, having nice weather is nice, but friends, a social life, family and a job I like is more important and I didn’t have any of those things when I was living in Canada.

 

Denise – do you think I should just try living back in Canada or in London to see how I feel? Is that what you’re saying? My only worry is that I won’t be able to get a steady job because I move around too much.. I know I’m only 24, but I know which direction I want to start my career in and so finding just any old job won’t really be good for me..

 

Thanks so much everyone.. I talked to a girl at work today about it all and she said it’s obvious that the relationship is over and I need to think, if my ex wasn’t in Canada, would I want to return? I’m still pondering that one..

[denise_xo]

Denise – do you think I should just try living back in Canada or in London to see how I feel? Is that what you’re saying? My only worry is that I won’t be able to get a steady job because I move around too much.. I know I’m only 24, but I know which direction I want to start my career in and so finding just any old job won’t really be good for me..

 

I think you should somehow figure out where you feel like giving it a try for a while, taking into consideration job opportunities, but without framing it as if you're putting life happiness on the line. IME, some movement and experience abroad had been very positive for my job applications. Of course, this has to be balanced with some stability, and I guess it also depends which sector you're working in.

 

I agree with what you say about taking your ex out of the equation.

[sarahrb]

I think you should somehow figure out where you feel like giving it a try for a while, taking into consideration job opportunities, but without framing it as if you're putting life happiness on the line. IME, some movement and experience abroad had been very positive for my job applications. Of course, this has to be balanced with some stability, and I guess it also depends which sector you're working in.

 

I agree with what you say about taking your ex out of the equation.

 

I wish I could decide where to try though. And to be honest, 'trying' scares me because i really have to start my career and getting a 'proper' job. I'm worried that moving around lots will have a negative impact on my career. I went to a really good University and feel that I can achieve so much, but due to moving around lots, I've never been able to get a job in the field I want.

[denise_xo]

I wish I could decide where to try though. And to be honest, 'trying' scares me because i really have to start my career and getting a 'proper' job. I'm worried that moving around lots will have a negative impact on my career. I went to a really good University and feel that I can achieve so much, but due to moving around lots, I've never been able to get a job in the field I want.

 

Well, life doesn't come with guarantees, so you just have to give it your best shot somewhere. If jobs are one of your most important criteria, then I would do research on where you opportunities are greatest. Have you done that?

 

And you're still pretty young. I got my first 'proper' job quite late but I've still done quite well.

[sarahrb]

Well, life doesn't come with guarantees, so you just have to give it your best shot somewhere. If jobs are one of your most important criteria, then I would do research on where you opportunities are greatest. Have you done that?

 

And you're still pretty young. I got my first 'proper' job quite late but I've still done quite well.

 

Toronto - more money in any job

 

London, UK - more variety of jobs in my ideal field

[denise_xo]

Toronto - more money in any job

 

London, UK - more variety of jobs in my ideal field

 

How easy/difficult is it to find a job in London versus Toronto? What are the unemployment rates like? I don't know Toronto, but I've lived several years in London and the competition is quite high there in a lot of sectors.

 

Also, what is your mid term goal - make money, or get varied experience? What would be more strategic for you in terms of where you want to end up?

[FitChick]

What is the cost of living like in Toronto? I know I'd never be able to afford a broom closet in London unless I won the lottery. I like both cities for different reasons.