thezappa Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Hi All, I got some lovely advice just recently in this thread: He rejected me! "I am really hot but not relationship material" My problem now is he keeps contacting me and I mean a lot of contacting, whether it is by phone, email, social networking etc. He wants to meet up but I don't know if I could. I have tried ignoring it but I feel bad because he is really trying to stay friends or something with me. I however would like to be friends but need time to get over any romantic feelings for him which have subsided a lot since he rejected me. I really don't see how he would want to stay friends with me or why he is contacting me so much after my stupid display of telling him how I felt. In a way part of me thinks he wants me to give him an ego boost. He is wrong if he thinks I am just going to go begging for him or anything like that, his rejection has pushed me so far away I am surprised I still replied even the once. What should I do? Ignore him (which is immature), tell him how I feel and hope he understands, or put my feelings aside and just be friends with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author thezappa Posted June 15, 2012 Author Share Posted June 15, 2012 (edited) he has you around his fingertip this my friends is how you get a lady. she may not like the calls but shes going to give in and hes going to get his sex. meanwhile hes getting some on the side. how do i know this? i've been in his position a few times. i played the girls like a fidle every time. True! However I assure you, he will not be getting anything off me!! Edited June 15, 2012 by thezappa Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Tell him to quit contacting you since you weren't good enough for him to date. He's keeping you interested (he thinks) because he wants you on the back burner for when he gets horny. Link to post Share on other sites
verhrzn Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Usually in these situations what I do is take some space (however much I need) in which I might stay in infrequent contact with the person (a text or FB post once in a while), and then bump it back up once I feel steady and comfortable with being friends. If you wanted to be direct, you could just tell the guy you need some space, and you will contact him when you're ready. Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Maybe he has realized the insult in telling you you aren't relationship material then giving an example of a woman who was. That was very rude, maybe he wants to apologize? Maybe the other woman he had his eye on didn't pan out, and now he is trying to come back to you as you had expressed your feelings? In your shoes, I'd agree to meet up, for one drink or a short time in a public place, hear what he has to say and go from there. Think of it as getting answers, but don't be obvious about the above. Don't give him more than 30 min-hour to talk. If he bends over backwards apologizing and realizes he made a big mistake, who knows? If not, and it seems he is setting you up as a back burner, move on. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Ask him what does he want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
shayla Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 I would remind him of his decision, yell "deuces" and ignore him for the rest of my life. But thats me...lol 2 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 (edited) Don't ask him what he wants. You won't get the answers I think you want to hear, and it will entangle you further into a toxic, enmeshed connection that doesn't do either of you any good. The reason he's contacting you relentlessly is because he wants to string you along because he knows you still like him. Why do you think ignoring him is immature? Staying in contact with him after all he's put you through would be, I think. He's already rejected you. What makes you think he'd respect you as a friend? I say go no contact and ignore him. There's no reason you need to meetup with him or talk to him again. Move on to a guy who actually accepts you, not rejects you. I don't get what the struggle is here. Edited June 15, 2012 by writergal Link to post Share on other sites
Glass Bead Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Why do you think ignoring him is immature? Staying in contact with him after all he's put you through would be, I think. He's already rejected you. What makes you think he'd respect you as a friend? I say go no contact and ignore him. There's no reason you need to meetup with him or talk to him again. I second this. He told you no and in a way that you didn't appreciate it. Accept the no and move on - stop all contact with him and delete/block him on Facebook - get rid of anything that makes you think of him. Move on to a guy who actually accepts you, not rejects you. I don't get what the struggle is here. People deal with rejection in different ways and hidden hopes are one of them. 'He said no BUT...' - the moment you heard yourself saying these words is a sign you're still hoping that he will change and you're still paying attention. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thezappa Posted June 15, 2012 Author Share Posted June 15, 2012 I second this. He told you no and in a way that you didn't appreciate it. Accept the no and move on - stop all contact with him and delete/block him on Facebook - get rid of anything that makes you think of him. People deal with rejection in different ways and hidden hopes are one of them. 'He said no BUT...' - the moment you heard yourself saying these words is a sign you're still hoping that he will change and you're still paying attention. I know nothing will ever happen with us and to be honest I don't want anything to happen with us. His rejection just made me reject him even more. I feel it is immature to ignore him because we have been friends for a long time and play music together. That is one of the reasons why he wishes to meet up with me, is so that we can make more music together. I don't want to act in any way childish and ignore problems in my life, I rather deal with them head on even if the other person does not. I just don't want to be played around with all these mixed signals and kisses at the end of texts and emails. I see it as being childish on his part to even act like that and I know he doesn't want to let me go out of his life but I will not let him have his cake and eat it too. If he even thinks I will get with him, he is very much mistaken. I have only replied once and it was a rather blunt reply. I know nothing will happen with us and I hold no hope for it ever happening. The rejection confirmed it for me so I no longer hold anything or associate anything with him. I agree that people always hold on for hope but trust me I have not in anyway held on. I do not want to be with someone who does not want me. I did cherish our friendship as we got along like a house on fire. However, I do agree that maybe I should let the friendship go. Then again part of me does not because I feel only the slight romantic feelings for him which are subsiding more everyday. I do miss our friendship and miss making music with him. The ball is in my court as I have said I will contact him and that he has gotten the message that he is not to contact me until I do so. Now it is a matter of whether I contact him at all. I do want to but again I do not as I deserve to be treated better as a friend and as someone who put themselves out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Glass Bead Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 I agree that people always hold on for hope but trust me I have not in anyway held on. I do not want to be with someone who does not want me. I did cherish our friendship as we got along like a house on fire. However, I do agree that maybe I should let the friendship go. Then again part of me does not because I feel only the slight romantic feelings for him which are subsiding more everyday. I do miss our friendship and miss making music with him. The ball is in my court as I have said I will contact him and that he has gotten the message that he is not to contact me until I do so. I apologize if this may be too direct, but the ball is not on your court. You've stopped playing the attraction game remember? If you are acting/thinking as if the next step should be yours then you're still on to him. Now it is a matter of whether I contact him at all. I do want to but again I do not as I deserve to be treated better as a friend and as someone who put themselves out there. Precisely, that is the right question you're asking yourself. It's not about what you want, but what you need for yourself. Do you want someone to just fiddle around with the harmonica or do you need someone that can make your whole orchestra play? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 THat is just ridiculous on his part, he sounds immature. I was with someone several years ago who was a real nutcase, it was all about him him him and no one else, it was almost like dealing with a six year old. He rejected you, came back, rejected you again and now wants back? It is not immature to ignore him, it is partially for your own safety and protection. Do not be friends with him in any way. Say no to him once and only once, and then walk away. That way you will have stated your case, made intention clear, then stood by what you did / said. Neither of you can move on unless you move on from one another. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 I would tell him that while he is capable of enjoying music he just isn't musician material and you'd rather work with people who are on the same level as yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 The mature way of handling this is to politely decline his invitation. Tell him you're seeing other people and you wish him well. The immature way of handling this is to meet him but bring a guy with you and introduce the new guy as your current guy. Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 I don't want to act in any way childish and ignore problems in my life, I rather deal with them head on even if the other person does not. So ask him what he wants. Not so much as to hear what he has to say, but more as to prompt him to become more self-aware. Why would you do this? For the sake of your sisters? Sure, but also for the sake of getting him to back off from you and realise that when you decline someone's offer, it's often best to give them some space so they can process their feelings, which is what you need to do right now. If he doesn't get it after that, explain it to him e.g. I don't want to hear from you for a while. I need space. Please respect that. Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 (edited) Hi All, I got some lovely advice just recently in this thread: He rejected me! "I am really hot but not relationship material" My problem now is he keeps contacting me and I mean a lot of contacting, whether it is by phone, email, social networking etc. He wants to meet up but I don't know if I could. I have tried ignoring it but I feel bad because he is really trying to stay friends or something with me. I however would like to be friends but need time to get over any romantic feelings for him which have subsided a lot since he rejected me. I really don't see how he would want to stay friends with me or why he is contacting me so much after my stupid display of telling him how I felt. In a way part of me thinks he wants me to give him an ego boost. He is wrong if he thinks I am just going to go begging for him or anything like that, his rejection has pushed me so far away I am surprised I still replied even the once. What should I do? Ignore him (which is immature), tell him how I feel and hope he understands, or put my feelings aside and just be friends with him? There is a massive age difference between you two. That is the source of him saying that. It has nothing to do with you as a person IMHO. I do think him continuing to pursue dialog with you shows a lack of common sense and empathy on his part, but a lot of guys are morons. You need closure so you can move on with your life. If this guy truly values you as a friend telling him you need space is NOT going to be taken as disrespectful. Asserting your rights is not immature. Tell him I had feelings for you and am hurt you turned me down. Right now I need time away from you to collect me thoughts. I will contact you when and if I am ready to talk. I hope you understand. Please stop contacting me. Ignoring him at that point is not immature. If he is a friend, he will understand. If he gets upset, don't argue with him. Just keep repeating the above if it's in person. If it's on-line just ignore it b/c you said you would contact him if there is any way to salvage a friendship. You NEED to move on. I speak from experience Good luck! Edited June 15, 2012 by TheFinalWord 4 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 (edited) Ignoring him at that point is not immature. If he is a friend, he will understand. If he gets upset, don't argue with him. Just keep repeating the above if it's in person. If it's on-line just ignore it b/c you said you would contact him if there is any way to salvage a friendship. You NEED to move on. Exactly! Well said, TheFinalWord. The OP needs to see that ignoring this man isn't immature or an act of cowardice. It's an act of someone who has healthy, high self esteem. Any further discussion with this man and the OP will never get over her romantic feelings for him because it will result in him manipulating her because she seems very confused still, struggling with her feelings. I completely agree that the OP needs to make a clean break and move on, or she won't heal emotionally. Once someone rejects you, contacting them to rehash the past, or try to convince them that they should give you a second chance is always a mistake. Edited June 15, 2012 by writergal Link to post Share on other sites
ms.love Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Exactly! Well said, TheFinalWord. The OP needs to see that ignoring this man isn't immature or an act of cowardice. It's an act of someone who has healthy, high self esteem. Any further discussion with this man and the OP will never get over her romantic feelings for him because it will result in him manipulating her because she seems very confused still, struggling with her feelings. I completely agree that the OP needs to make a clean break and move on, or she won't heal emotionally. Once someone rejects you, contacting them to rehash the past, or try to convince them that they should give you a second chance is always a mistake. When has she said she has ever "contacting them to rehash the past" She has said she has been getting over the man in question and does not need him. I feel people are miss understanding the Op's questions. OP He is contacting you too much for someone who you have just thrown your feelings at. I think you should ignore him for a while (A week and much more, as much as you need) and maybe if you feel you should tell him Not to contact you again. This guy seems to be a right player, keeping you for a while realizing that maybe he likes you because you rejected him after he rejected you. Forget him is what I think but I know that is hard to do especially because you were friends. Link to post Share on other sites
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