I'm afraid I am embarrassed of my boyfriend but he's a great guy.

[NOsuchthing]

Please read this with honesty and understanding because I know it sounds shallow...maybe it is but I would appreciate some advice from anyone who can relate.

 

 

 

I have been in a relationship with someone I reconnected with on facebook unofficially for about 9 months, officially for about 4. We actually knew each other as children and then lost touch and know here we are all grown up. I'm 27 and he is soon to be 28. We live in different states so maintaining a relationship is difficult but so far it's working. We had one major fight when an ex girlfriend of his found out about us and contacted me trying to convince me that he was with her too but that got squashed.

 

We share the same beliefs, he makes it crystal clear that he is in love with me and he shows me constantly, we work through most everything....

 

however, as I prepare to spend the next few days with him, I am realizing that I'm a little ashamed of him...and I hate this so much I don't even like to write it down. I'm trying to analyze the reasons so I can squash them. Physically he is not what I would typically go for. Truth be told this is kind of the story of my life. My most serious relationship of 3 years was with someone I wouldn't 'typically go for' and it took me a long time to warm up to the idea of 'going public' with him too. Even in highschool I was totally gaga for the guy that everyone teased and we had something of a secret relationship for an entire school year. Wed have crazy makeouts in the gym everyday but I wouldn't let him hold my hand or kiss me in public. So I'm seeing this is a trend for me.

 

Sexually I am crazy attracted to my boyfriend. We havent had sex yet only because I'm (not very successfully) trying to refrain for spiritual reasons but I want him very badly. I don't know I guess he's just not what I envision showing off to my friends, coworkers, peers or even family. He's tall, super dark, skinny and dresses kinda hood. Before you call me racist I am black too so don't go crazy! It's misleading too because he has his bachelors, he's super smart and honestly pretty sexy but he's opposite of me who was raised by a white mom and a black Princeton dad (I'm adopted) and I was hidden away in private schools so I wouldn't be "corrupted" so most of my friends are non black....I would hate to feel I'm ashamed of his 'blackness'....My ex was black...but he was also an attorney...this boyfriend works on a rig. It's not a money issue because he makes great money, I don't know what it is. Help! How do I stop feeling like I need to justify my relationships and my decisions and my attractions?!

[TMichaels]

Sounds to me like you rely (overly much) on others' approval and validation of your choices in life. Perhaps that's because of your "sheltered" upbringing, but I'm betting it's because your parents had very high expectations for themselves and for you so consequently you've spent most of your life making sure you don't disappoint them and/or others that some how you seem to think have the right or power to validate your self-worth.

 

Also sounds to me that even if you aren't conscious of how important it is to your self-identity not disappoint others and the problems that is causing you, that *sub-consciously* you are processing it -- hence the history of dating "unsuitable" men and frequent "squashing" of your true feelings or desires.

 

If in fact after you've spent time thinking about the above and believe that's what's going on, I'd recommend you have a long talk with your parents or at least the one you can talk to best, and tell them how you are feeling.

 

You might discover that "the bar" you've placed so high is what *you think* is required or expected, and they may well tell you that while they always have had high expectations for you, what they really want the most is for you to be happy.

 

If you get to the root of your anxiety, you might also discover that once "the pressure" is off, you'll see life, boyfriends, and all the rest in a new and different light.

 

If your parents aren't supportive and give you the impression they will never approve of your choices (in men or otherwise), then you have a decision to make. Spend the rest of your life living it to meet others' expectations or being your own person who is responsible for their own happiness, choices and/or mistakes.

 

HTH,

TMichaels

[NOsuchthing]

I believe you are absolutely right and thank you for fantastic advice. I know that you are right. It's interesting because I find myself giving my parents excuses all the time that they don't even ask for. I have no reason to believe they are anything but proud NOW, but this is new and maybe I'm just not used to it. Growing up they were soooo hard on us. And now all of a sudden they are constantly telling us how proud they are. I don't know if maybe they noticed that all three of us kids turned into stressed out messes because of them?? Who knows....but anyhow...

 

 

You're so right. And it bugs me that I would consider letting what others may think cheat me out of someone who is turning out to be really good for me. I am definitely aware that these are things I need to work on. Maybe just need to start forcing myself to be a little uncomfortable. I can't keep being so critical. It's not reasonable. My parents actually knew my boyfriend and his parents since before he was born and he grew up in my dad's church so he's not a stranger. I mean as an adult he is, but they know who he is and they haven't obected. But bottomline, even if they did, I need to learn to trust more in my own judgement.

[justwhoiam]

Start wondering if you're proud of him and why. I guess for a woman it's important you respect him and are proud of him.

 

Do you like his job? Besides any parental judgement, you seem concerned about social status, which to me is a bit shallow. Maybe it's just you are a very insecure person. Would he still be your boyfriend if he was a waiter?

 

If you can see him as a boyfriend regardless of his skin color and social status, and just for the (great) guy he is, then you have no problem. Otherwise, issues will come up.

[NOsuchthing]

Do you like his job? Besides any parental judgement, you seem concerned about social status, which to me is a bit shallow. Maybe it's just you are a very insecure person. Would he still be your boyfriend if he was a waiter?

 

Even IF I was completely like this, which I'm not, I think it's a little bold of you to call me a shallow and very insecure person. People have standards. But this issue has blown over (I posted this weeks ago). I think a lot of my issue was just getting comfortable with dating someone other than my ex. My ex was my only relationship and we almost got married and it did quite a number on me. But it has been some years since that and I know I need to get comfortable with the fact that everyone I date will not be just like him and I should be happy because that could be a very GOOD thing for me. My boyfriend accepts and loves me for who I am so I will love and accept him for who he is. Yes EVEN if he decides to forget he has a degree and be a waiter.

[justwhoiam]

Even IF I was completely like this, which I'm not, I think it's a little bold of you to call me a shallow and very insecure person. People have standards.

 

Hi NOsuchthing,

 

I was not calling you shallow and very insecure. I'm not used to value people depending on their social status, so doing that is kind of shallow to me. Your doubts led me to think that social pressures affected you to some degree.

 

I'm glad to hear that everything's fine now.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Please read this with honesty and understanding because I know it sounds shallow...maybe it is but I would appreciate some advice from anyone who can relate.

 

 

 

I have been in a relationship with someone I reconnected with on facebook unofficially for about 9 months, officially for about 4. We actually knew each other as children and then lost touch and know here we are all grown up. I'm 27 and he is soon to be 28. We live in different states so maintaining a relationship is difficult but so far it's working. We had one major fight when an ex girlfriend of his found out about us and contacted me trying to convince me that he was with her too but that got squashed.

 

We share the same beliefs, he makes it crystal clear that he is in love with me and he shows me constantly, we work through most everything....

 

however, as I prepare to spend the next few days with him, I am realizing that I'm a little ashamed of him...and I hate this so much I don't even like to write it down. I'm trying to analyze the reasons so I can squash them. Physically he is not what I would typically go for. Truth be told this is kind of the story of my life. My most serious relationship of 3 years was with someone I wouldn't 'typically go for' and it took me a long time to warm up to the idea of 'going public' with him too. Even in highschool I was totally gaga for the guy that everyone teased and we had something of a secret relationship for an entire school year. Wed have crazy makeouts in the gym everyday but I wouldn't let him hold my hand or kiss me in public. So I'm seeing this is a trend for me.

 

Sexually I am crazy attracted to my boyfriend. We havent had sex yet only because I'm (not very successfully) trying to refrain for spiritual reasons but I want him very badly. I don't know I guess he's just not what I envision showing off to my friends, coworkers, peers or even family. He's tall, super dark, skinny and dresses kinda hood. Before you call me racist I am black too so don't go crazy! It's misleading too because he has his bachelors, he's super smart and honestly pretty sexy but he's opposite of me who was raised by a white mom and a black Princeton dad (I'm adopted) and I was hidden away in private schools so I wouldn't be "corrupted" so most of my friends are non black....I would hate to feel I'm ashamed of his 'blackness'....My ex was black...but he was also an attorney...this boyfriend works on a rig. It's not a money issue because he makes great money, I don't know what it is. Help! How do I stop feeling like I need to justify my relationships and my decisions and my attractions?!

 

 

 

Wow, this turned out to be a very good post, with a very fair contemplative tone.

 

(I thought it was going to be something along the lines of your being an "8" on the frat boy scale, and he being a "5" on the equivalent, so I anticipated that you were going to sound shallow, while trying your hardest not to sound shallow )

 

Instead, it is a very fair and unique contemplation, and it inspires the rest of us to THINK... and wonder what that would be like.

 

I suspect... that a huge amount of your relationship, and of your fondness for one another is founded in the significance the other shared to a common-ish path long ago.

 

To now/recently reconnect has the effect of causing you both to watch the fast-forwarding of the other, from age (long-ago) to the present, where in many ways you each became sorta random-but-significant to the other, which was part of the appeal as well.

 

I so willingly observe/perceive that black males are pressured (in a 'different' way) to fit-in with their male peers... and it is likely that some of what you describe is the result of same.

 

 

IF you think about this long enough, you're gonna figure out that the same randomness that was so meaningful in causing (a little kid you once knew) to become an adult right before your eyes is EXACTLY what you need to train yourself to EMBRACE about your boyfriend (as he exists in your mind's image today).

 

When you were little, you dreamed of a great guy, you envisioned some wedding somewhere, and during some of your best dreams back then it was NOT clear what male image would play the role of your beau/groom. That is to say that you WANTED him to be 'random' in a sense!

 

Well now here you are, and he is both 'random' AND someone in whom your personal investment has been enhanced beCAUSE he was significant as well.

 

Your concerns are reasonably 'normal'... but I believe that in this case you can win-out over your own mind's impulses. Thankfully no outsider is being unfair to you because of race, or such a thing. This is all within you, and you can make a gallant effort to talk/work yourself through it all on your own.

 

But it's a great cause for contemplation.