I don't like my Dad, boo hoo

[matt36skool]

I'm 36 and I haven't a normal relationship with him.

 

I'm married, I have a child that he never sees and he lives 35 minutes away. He's always, always been in his own world and had his bouts with drug dependency but has been sober for 3 years now. I almost liked him

better when he was on drugs.

 

I've always been clean, never followed in those footsteps.

 

He's a nice guy, never mean or angry or abusive, Just 'not there', a clueless guy.

 

He's married now with a new wife that I don't care for personality-wise and she doesn't care for me really, not very welcoming whenever I see her. So I never hear from him ever, unless I call him to see how he is.

 

It bothers me but it doesn't.

 

I almost feel like if I never saw him again, i'm fine with that. But other days I'm pissed that He doesn't care. He doesn't care that he has a Grandchild he never sees or asks about much.

 

When we DO Talk, I hear stories about his new family (his wife's kids that he now lives with) or what he's doing with his golf club or how his car is doing, then mayyybe he'll ask how his Grandchild is doing.

 

I want to write him off because well, it's like he's not even there anyway.

 

But then I start to feel guilty like I should be a better Son? and go down and visit him", respect your elders? take my child down there to see him, but then i'm like "why?"

 

 

Ugh

Edited June 15, 2012 by matt36skool

[pteromom]

Do it for your child. Your child deserves to know his/her grandfather.

 

Take the child, go visit your dad, and do it regularly even if you don't get much out of it.

 

Who knows - when your dad gets to know your child better, you two may form a better bond. But even if it doesn't happen, your child is going to have some great memories.

 

My grandfather was a cold distant guy. But I still have great memories of picking pecans, swinging on his gate, playing on this funky rug he had, and petting cows. I am glad my parents took me over there, even though it wasn't a warm loving environment.

 

So yes. Do it for your child.

[matt36skool]

thanks pteromom,

that's what I think, that i'd like my child to experience generations of family. But I know my Dad, he's not very hands on with kids, would never take him out just the two of them, hardly notices he's there when my Son is in his presence, he just doesn't seem to care. He couldn't even remember how old my Son is.

 

My Son gets more 'Grandparent time' with my Wife's Mom and Dad and my own Mother who is very into our Son and spending time. Not so with my Dad.

 

It makes me mad too that weeks and even months could go by where I don't hear from my Dad unless I call him.

[pteromom]

thanks pteromom,

that's what I think, that i'd like my child to experience generations of family. But I know my Dad, he's not very hands on with kids, would never take him out just the two of them, hardly notices he's there when my Son is in his presence, he just doesn't seem to care. He couldn't even remember how old my Son is.

 

At some point, you have to let go of who you wish your dad was, and accept who he actually is. He's never going to be the grandfather you wish your son had, and he's never going to be the dad you wish you had. But that doesn't mean he has nothing to offer.

 

It makes me mad too that weeks and even months could go by where I don't hear from my Dad unless I call him.

 

So call him. I know it sucks that he isn't plugged in and you have to be the initiator all the time, but it's the way it is, so you may as well accept it. Your other option is to just let yours and your son's relationship with him fall away completely, and that's not in your son's best interest (unless your dad started using again or was abusive or something).

[pink_sugar]

I say the man doesn't deserve anything if he's never been there for you. Just because his sperm makes you his biological child doesn't mean he has to be in your life. But that's for you to decide. If you feel he has no interest in your life and has never really been there for you, that's his issue. I plan to keep my kids in minimal contact with my dad because he always talks negative and is critical of weight, especially on girls. His ex wife's daughter is going through puberty and he comments about her eating habits and thinks women need to be 115lbs and under to be a normal weight. He also constantly talks trash about my mom. My H's mother has never made much of an effort to be in my H's life because she says she was never "maternal" I doubt seeing grandkids would ever bother her. Just because someone is biologically related doesn't mean you owe them anything. Unless he/she wants to show interest in the grandchild's life, or the grandchild wants to know them, I'd leave things be.

 

My grandfather was never really a part of my mom's life and never made an effort to be in mine. He also spelled my name wrong for years and never remembers birthdays. He also never visits his family.

Edited June 16, 2012 by pink_sugar

[wow04]

You say he has been clean for 3 years. How did he quit? Is he working a 12 step program?

 

Every child has a right to know their grandparents. I can tell you my father was a better grandfather than he ever was a dad to me.

[turnera]

thanks pteromom,

that's what I think, that i'd like my child to experience generations of family. But I know my Dad, he's not very hands on with kids, would never take him out just the two of them, hardly notices he's there when my Son is in his presence, he just doesn't seem to care. He couldn't even remember how old my Son is.

 

My Son gets more 'Grandparent time' with my Wife's Mom and Dad and my own Mother who is very into our Son and spending time. Not so with my Dad.

It's not about what your dad does when your son is there. It's about the memories your son is building of even HAVING a grandpa. He just needs the mental connection, the safety net of knowing he has another grandpa.

 

Take him, with no expectations, just as you would take him to, say, your old piano teacher. Out of respect, and nothing more.

 

And then wash him out of your life the rest of the time.

 

It may help to remember that some people have kids that really don't have a calling for it; it just happens. You probably got one of those. Just accept it and move on. You don't owe him anything; if he approaches you, tell him like an adult, and see if he wants to make a change. If not, he'll know why you're not bothering.

[notbroken]

He probably just doesn't know how to have a relationship with you or your kid. Give him a chance. You may have to do all 'the work', but both you and your kid will be better for having spent an hour or two a month with him. Go to lunch. Walk in the park. Whatever relationship you can have is better than nothing.

[summerdowling87]

My dad is just like yours but I don't have kids yet and I'm not sure if I would ever left my father see my children or even walk me down the isle when I get married.

 

But I've also learned the power of forgiveness is good for the soul for you to feel better.

 

And your son will know how big of a man his dad is for being able to forgive someone that hurt him.

 

Just my opinion.

[matt36skool]

Thank You All for the Input, I appreciate it very much...

 

 

I'm going to try. Even if it's just me and my Son going to visit sans Wifey.

My Wife doesn't enjoy being in that uncomfortable situation; with my Dad's new wife who isn't that personable or warm, it makes it even more

uncomfortable. But i'm going to try.

 

My Dad isn't very kid-friendly and doesn't really care for kids, they stress him out... funny huh? His Dad (My Grandfather) was the same. I didn't have a great relationship with Grandfather he was just kinda there.

 

Anyway, like I said, I'm gonna try and keep things going and see how it goes.

[melodymatters]

People tend to worship a bit too much at the Alter of DNA these days for my taste. So, you share some chromosomes, big deal, it doesn't mean your interactions, your picnics or walks in the park are going to be any more meaningful than with say, a non DNA relative !

 

If your dad isn't into your kid, I can't see a little kid being that enchanted by an older man who gives him very little feedback.

 

My dad is crap, so I am basically polite to him on holidays and such for my mothers sake. Same with my sister, we have NOTHING in common BUT DNA.

 

I'd rather spend my time with people who enrich my life.....

[turnera]

On the other hand, my dad screwed my mom over, we lived in poverty because of him leaving, he married a woman who nearly ruined my life, adopted her son, and I had to disown them because of the pain they caused us. He never saw his granddaughter again, after the age of 5.

 

And yet...he died of cancer about 5 years later. And through everything we went through, all the hell, he WAS the only dad I had. And I ended up regretting taking such a hardline stance against him and losing out on his last years, warts and all. He was just human. And a little communication would have gone a long way toward making up for all that he and his wife did. But I never took that step. (mainly cos his batty wife would never leave his side) On his deathbed, when we finally showed up, he told me that he knew that we all hated his wife, but that he needed someone to take care of him, that's just how he was (he left my mom because she wouldn't quit her nursing job and be a housewife), and that she filled that role for him.

 

Never suppose you know the reasons why someone does (or doesn't do) what they do. You'll almost always be wrong.

[writergal]

Hey Matt,

 

Well you could either ignore your dad and just focus on scheduling time for your son with your wife's parents, or you could schedule time with your dad (although that bothers you) once a week or twice a month where the three of you get together for lunch or for some kind of fun activity, and then just leave it at that.

 

And you can always stop if it stresses you out. As long as your son has your wife's parents for grandparents I think that's great.

 

I know my brother-in-law's parents (when they were alive) were never involved in my niece and nephews lives at all. In fact, my brother-in-law comes from a big family and only one of his two sisters every babysits. He doesn't even take my niece and nephews to visit his two sisters or two brothers and claims that's because they aren't a very close family. Whereas my sister and I are very close (and she is close to our brother who has children but I'm not close to him) and our mother is very active as a grandmother in her grandchildren's lives.

 

I guess what it boils down to is do what is comfortable for you and see how it goes. Good luck.

[16thstreet]

 

He's a nice guy, never mean or angry or abusive, Just 'not there', a clueless guy.

 

 

 

I want to write him off because well, it's like he's not even there anyway.

 

But then I start to feel guilty like I should be a better Son? and go down and visit him", respect your elders? take my child down there to see him, but then i'm like "why?"

 

 

I also disagree with the posters who encourage the relationship on the basis of your son "deserving" to have a relationship with this man, simply because he is biologically related. It can actually be very hard for a kid to want to have a grandparent engage but not understand why that person is distant or unloving. So, I would be very careful with that advice.

 

That said, you do say that he's just basically clueless and not there but otherwise not bad.

 

Sounds like you need to have a conversation with him, and let him know your frustration. You can ask him point blank what kind of relationship he wants to have with you and your family without having to guess at it. If he overreacts (maybe this kind of thing is not something he is exactly used to talking about in a straightforward way) it might help to let him know that you've felt distant from him and it's stung and you do not want your kid to have to go through the same thing.