My True Love

[SurfRider]

I know I may be bashed for my story (which is quite lengthy), but here goes...

 

First a little background...

 

My first love and I dated off and on for over 10 years. We started dating early (she was 15 and I was 18) which made it difficult as we both matured. She and I broke up several times (her decision), but always ended up back together. However, the last time we broke up (14 years ago) was the last time. Deep down I knew the reason. She wanted more financially than I could provide as she was EXTREMELY SPOILED as a child. When I did not hear from her for over a week after trying to call, I went no contact. We both moved on with our lives (even though I was crushed). She married a doctor who made tons of money and I married someone who I thought was perfect for me.

 

However, my marriage has been less than perfect for 13 years. My wife had a possible affair back in the early part of the marriage. I have no proof other than circumstances that are way too substantial to dismiss. We have only been intimate 30 times in the last 14 years. And to top it all off, she left me in 2004 and only came back after I begged as she had taken our two little girls (which I now know was illegal). We went to marriage counseling, but it only helped for a little while. I must add one thing and I don't mean this arrogantly - I'm a good looking guy and have always tried my best to do right by her. The only thing I feel guilty about is turning to pornography on occasion to supplement my lack of intimacy. Otherwise, I have been a good father, husband, supporter and friend. I'm not perfect, but a good man...

 

My true love's marriage (I thought) was perfect. She had money, a rich husband, a HUGE House, beautiful kids and everything a woman could want. I only knew this as her sister found me on Facebook and filled me in on all the details. I was happy for her, but it still hurt. This entire time I stayed away and made sure not to see her or contact her... more for my benefit than hers.

 

Back in October 2008, my family and I were at the State Fair. The attendance that day was a record 250,000 people. You could hardly move. However, as we were walking through the crowd, I ran into my true love! I looked at her and said hello, but kept on walking. She yelled "HEY!," but I kept on walking. There was really nothing I could say or do as we were both with our families. All it did was bring back up all the pain and feelings I had for her. I STILL did not try to contact her. I just thought it was a fluke...

 

Skip forward to September 2011...

 

Life had been rough. However, I was coming out of a long term of depression brought on by my marriage as well as a very sick parent. Only by the grace of God did I make it through the two years prior as I had no support from anyone expect for my best friend.

 

I was sitting at my desk working when I received an email from my true love! It was very surreal as I first thought it was a client. However, the more I read the email, the more I realized who it was from. The message was simple... that she had a dream about me and that she had to reach out just to say hello. At first I debated whether or not to reply. However, after pacing for over an hour, I replied. We started messaging immediately, but it was very cordial - no emotion....

 

After messaging for a few days, she asked to see me. I told her I didn't think that was a good idea. However, I finally agreed to meet her (in public) to say hello after a month a messaging. I pulled up beside her and we both immediately starting crying... everything just came pouring out. I was so overwhelmed I told her I had to go and we both left crying. After a week, I agreed to meet her again (in public).

 

When we next met, she did all the talking. She poured her heart out telling me how sorry she was for everything and that she still loved me and hadn't stopped loving me for 23 years. She said that she married for security and realized that money cannot buy love or happiness and that she and her husband were miserable together. She (just like me) had been sleeping in separate bedrooms for over 3 years and she was moving on. Everything she said was parallel to my life's occurrences... it was extremely weird. Of course, I doubted everything she said. I didn't start believing her until she started getting phone calls from her sister and friends and they were giving her emotional support about ending her marriage. She even gave me information from her attorney she went to see about her divorce! Of course I kept my guard up, but it wasn't too long before I let my heart back out of the box.

 

For the next 8 months, life was great. Once a week, she would drive over an hour to see me and I would do the same and just talk. On occasion, when schedules allowed, we would go on weekend excursions... it was wonderful. It was like we were drawn together. There were so many situations that happened that brought us together... we were just stunned. However, the most craziest one happened with one of her friends. Since I am in sales, I meet many people. During one of my sales pitches to a prospect, we started talking about food. I told her how much I loved Mexican cuisine, but it was hard to find where I was from. She just smiled and said "well I know a place near you that has excellent Mexican food".... a chill went down my spine. She then proceeded to tell me how her "best friend" from college use to live not too far from me and her aunt owned a Mexican restaurant. I smiled and said her name, and then her eyes lit up and said "YOU'RE JOHN SMITH!" I said yes. Before I could stop her she was texting my true love right in front of me... we both were in shock as it was meant for our paths to cross no matter what. That was one of the MANY examples that happened over the next few months...

 

We talked about everything and had very intimate encounters. We did everything together when schedules allowed and she even asked me to marry her when the time was right. So many things were said and done that I could write a novel. It was beautiful...

 

Skip ahead to mid April 2012. Everything was still going great. She was visiting her dad (which is close to me) and asked if I could see her. It was a wonderful night together... just talking and holding hands. She told me that her dad was planning to move and he wanted her to take his house. She was really excited about this because she was afraid after her separation that her husband was going to try and fight her on the financial settlement and support. She said, "You know, our love story will be one of the greatest love stories ever?"... I melted... I was done... stick a fork in me... I finally bought into the dream...

 

Things were going well, then all of a sudden her messages started getting farther and farther apart. She told me that her husband had went into her room where she and one of her daughters were sleeping at midnight and had talked to her about the marriage. They had many discussion like this where he would end up crying (as this was his second marriage). However, this time she said he was cool and said something needed to be done - one way or the other. She told me she thought she should go to marriage counseling with him so she could tell her kids she had tried everything. When she said this, I told her I would completely back away... her response was "please have faith in me."

 

However, the messages continued to get farther and farther apart (even though she would say she "loves me so much it hurt not to see me." I finally got so desperate, I did the unimaginable. I drove to her house as I knew he would not be there and she might be. When she found out what I did she went ballistic and said my lack of patience was going to ruin everything... which I agree. I had a horrible lapse of judgement. She said we would discuss the next week as her daughter had a cheerleading tournament out of town that weekend. However, as the next week started, I received no contact. Since my business takes me near her area, I waited until I knew she was picking up her kids from school and I pulled up beside her to tell her how sorry I was. She said that she was truly mad and upset and needed time and space...ugh... time and space...

 

Well... that was little under two months ago and I have not heard anything from her nor have I tried to reach out to her. I'm not sure if I scared her away or if she had a change of heart. I know I'm asking you people to be mind readers... but what are your thoughts? Some people have told me she is working things out on her end without contact because she scared her husband may found out. Others have said she may have had a change of heart...

 

I just know I hurt...

[pteromom]

1 - you gotta quit referring to her as your "true love". You guys may have an awesome connection, but she's married to someone else.

 

2 - if you haven't heard from her in two months, my guess is she is trying to fix her marriage. If she was as crazy for you as you seem to be for her, she would be moving heaven and earth to connect with you at every opportunity.

 

I think that you became emotionally invested at a much deeper level than she did, and that your driving to her house was enough to make her back off because she realized the risk she was taking in this affair.

[Owl]

She made her choice...she's working on her marriage, and there's no way that she can remain in contact with you in any fashion if she's working on her marriage.

 

It's possible that her H found out, or that she got scared that he would because you showed up unannounced/unplanned.

 

Bottom line is...it's over.

 

What you should do now is change your focus from her, to your own situation.

 

You're not in love with your wife. You're in love with someone else. Why are you still married to your wife?

 

End that relationship before you go seeking anything else.

[eleanorrigby]

Has your financial situation changed into one that would impress and satisfy your "true love"? I imagine that this might become an issue again if you were to become a couple.

 

(especially considering you both have families and children)

[MissBee]

I'm going to be honest and say this whole thing sounded like a lapse of judgment.

 

I am suspicious of love reunions when both people's lives are unhappy and they are emotionally stressed: you were dealing with your marriage issues and your sick parent and she was dealing with her own marital unhappiness. I think you guys were a respite for each other and it was great to connect and talk, hang out, eat, reminisce on your love story. It was a great escape but neither of you seemed to have any real plans to be together for real. I think it is very difficult to have a realistic, solid relationship, where you can see a realistic future, when both people are running from their problems and see each other as an oasis. That doesn't often promote a stable environment for growth. It tends to see people idealizing each other and wanting to rescue each other and the relationship seemingly like cool water, in the midst of everything else. Then when that settles...it may not be all they thought it was.

 

You keep talking about what she's doing or not doing to leave her husband and marriage but what about you? Are you divorcing your wife? I didn't hear anything about that, unless I overlooked it, which I apologize if I did. If you haven't worked out your own stuff, how can you expect her to up and leave for you?

 

I understand the appeal of the lost love, especially when this person pops up just when you need an escape. There is the fantasy though and the reality. I don't think either of you were trying to hurt each other but both genuinely found comfort in things like " "You know, our love story will be one of the greatest love stories ever?".. It made you feel good to think about that. It made her feel good to say it and also think about it. But besides feeling good, how realistic is it?

 

It seems as though she is trying to work on her marriage and has withdrawn from the fantasy. It sucks, but I suggest you do the same. If you're done with your marriage and your wife...be done. That way, if your true love decides she wants to be with you, you'll both be free. However, if you don't leave your wife, even if after counseling her marriage doesn't work out and she comes back, what is she coming back to? To be your OW? You both need to tie up your loose ends and your lives. She may not come back to you...if she doesn't, she wasn't your true love. But that's okay. I don't believe you have only one person you can love and be happy with.

 

It's such a bad idea to use another person as a buffer or base your decisions about your marriage on another person. I think it is best that both of you address your marriages in and of themselves and what you want for it and yourself WITHOUT having someone in the wings. After you do that, then you can worry about what's next in terms of romance. She seems to be doing that now. She was having an affair with you, and if she is working on her marriage, unfortunately, as it goes, sometimes the affair partner gets tossed to the side as being friends or keeping in contact does not work well with focusing on the marriage. Sometimes people tell their APs this beforehand but sometimes they don't. You guys are not teens anymore with no one to worry about besides you two. She is a woman with a husband and kids. You're a man with a wife and kids. No matter how bad your marriages are, you have responsibilities and you made vows that will complicate you just running off with each other. She chose to work things out responsibly, which means that she had to have no contact with you. Whether she decides to stay or leave, point is, you can't be in the mix as she decides. I know it hurts, but you must understand where she is coming from, as you're in the SAME boat...and should probably do as she is doing.

Edited June 15, 2012 by MissBee

[Furious]

You are both stuck in a time warp, and as much as you want to re-live being teenager's again, you can't go back in time.

 

Life would be great...if reality didn't interfere.

 

Sort out your own issues and marriage, only then can you truly move on, with or without your ex-high school sweetheart.

[alexandria35]

She is not ending her marriage. She liked the affair while she had you swooning for her and her husband crying over her. Major ego stroking. As soon as she realized that her husband was done crying and was ready to be done with her, her bubble burst. If she had really intended to be with you then her husbands statement about something has to be done one way or the other would have been the perfect time for her to speak up and tell him she wanted to leave. Since then she has given you no reason to believe that she want's to be with you.

 

In the end what does it matter. Why should you care about her leaving her husband when you don't seem to have any intentions to end your marriage?

[SurfRider]

Yes... We are separated as I filed a long time ago due to unhappiness... Not due to the new relationship...

[MissBee]

Yes... We are separated as I filed a long time ago due to unhappiness... Not due to the new relationship...

 

Good for you.

 

As for your married true love though....I think what Lady Grey and others have said is true, so I won't restate it.

 

All you can do now is accept that she may not be coming back to you and make plans on how to live your life as if this is true. It won't be easy but eventually you'll be just fine. It serves you better than waiting some more months of years for her to return.

[RickFox]

Yup, you were used. When you drove to her house she realized that you put her 'secret' in jeopardy and she wants nothing to do with you now because you could have gotten her busted, thereby destroying her home life/comfort zone/security blanket. You were there for fun and the moment you showed her how serious you were, is the moment she slammed the door in your face.

 

BTDT, bought the t shirt. It hurts, it sucks, it's wrong, it's a whole host of things, but learn from it. Walk away from her, don't ever look back, don't ever answer her again, find someone that is free to be yours.