JohnStuart2288 Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Hello, I made a thread a while back discussing my situation. Basically where I'm at now, she has started the separation process with her H, and is now living with her parents in a different country from both me and her H. Before she met me, she was actually in an open relationship with her H. It was originally monogamous, but the H stopped giving her the emotional attention she needs (i.e. stopped having sex), and after a year or so, their relationship progressed downwards and since she was already married, she thought she could make it work by opening the marriage. Well, she meets me online, we see each other every day, and fall in love. It is now a year later with her being at her parents for two months. The problem now though, is that she says she can't give me monogamy at the minute because she doesn't want to jump into a relationship with me immediately. She says she needs time to grieve and get back on her feet. She tells me that she has no plans on having sex with other men, and that she wants a monogamous relationship with me in the future. My question is, should I be concerned about this at all? Our relationship has evolved deeply I think, to the point where we have our future kids names picked out. I'm actually going to be in here country four months from now (not planned that way), so then we'll be able to make more physical contact. In the time being, we use skype everyday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted June 15, 2012 Author Share Posted June 15, 2012 Also, how long should I expect the grieving process to take? They were in a relationship for five years. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Even if they divorce, she may not wish to be with you. It's up to you to decide how long you wish to wait for a woman who is now committed - or who may be divorced at another time. . There are no guarantees unless the Two are of the Same accord. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 i think this woman is an adrenaline junkie. she needs the "highs" of sex with other men, and the "lows" of the "bad" break-ups. just sayin'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Hey John, at least she's being honest with you and telling you upfront what she needs. That's a good sign. Also, most people here usually recommend to APs to let their MP have the "grieving" period and the time where they find themselves again, because it makes a lot more sense than jumping from one relationship to the next. As far as how long it takes? I would think that depends on the person and that there aren't any specific guidelines. Nothing in life is guaranteed, but at least you two seem to be able to communicate and be honest with one another and that's a good thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted June 15, 2012 Author Share Posted June 15, 2012 i think this woman is an adrenaline junkie. she needs the "highs" of sex with other men, and the "lows" of the "bad" break-ups. just sayin'. The main reason she is leaving her husband is because he doesn't want kids. It is a deal breaker for her, she is all about settling down and having a family. Link to post Share on other sites
Capris Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Hi John, I have a general question based on your situation. Would you take her back if she did sleep with other men? I mean you are not together now right? and she seems to be honest. If she does sleep with other men and decides that you are the one, would you take her back? Would any of you take her/him back? As for actually replying to your thread, you really dont know about the time. Grief is a tricky place to be. Its really really good that she is taking some alone time and that she is being honest with you about it. It could take from 6 months to years, depends on the person really and how much work one is willing to do. It all comes down to how long are you willing to stay. Advice? Try to start picturing your life without her, just in case she doesnt come back. Protect yourself and be as patient as you can handle. Take care Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 how does she expect to settle down and start a family, if she's "swinging?" even people in "healthy" open marriages take a time-out when issues like these develope. sounds to me like she's jumping around from bed to bed, trying to see what fits(no pun).....relationship wise, i mean. Link to post Share on other sites
East7 Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 Before she met me, she was actually in an open relationship with her H. It was originally monogamous, but the H stopped giving her the emotional attention she needs (i.e. stopped having sex), and after a year or so, their relationship progressed downwards and since she was already married, she thought she could make it work by opening the marriage. Well, she meets me online, we see each other every day, and fall in love. It is now a year later with her being at her parents for two months. The problem now though, is that she says she can't give me monogamy at the minute because she doesn't want to jump into a relationship with me immediately. She says she needs time to grieve and get back on her feet. She tells me that she has no plans on having sex with other men, and that she wants a monogamous relationship with me in the future. My question is, should I be concerned about this at all? Our relationship has evolved deeply I think, to the point where we have our future kids names picked out. I'm actually going to be in here country four months from now (not planned that way), so then we'll be able to make more physical contact. In the time being, we use skype everyday. 1. You only have the "truth" she gave you. You don't know what her marriage REALLY was. 2. It sounds like plain fantasy. Of course it goes as far as picking children's names It is very safe for her as long as no real-life commitments are done. All you have are words and a "skype-relationship". Wait to meet her in her country and see how much she wants to have babies with you Link to post Share on other sites
Alice2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Share Posted June 15, 2012 (edited) It is now a year later with her being at her parents for two months. You've seen this woman two times, right? Skyping all day long doesn't constitute a relationship based in reality. You don't even know this woman. Her husband could be divorcing her because she's a serial cheater. Have you spoken to her husband? If not, then consider everything out of her mouth a lie. Oh, and she may not even be married at all. Edited June 15, 2012 by Alice2012 ` Link to post Share on other sites
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted June 16, 2012 Author Share Posted June 16, 2012 I'll just have to come back here in a few months with another update. When it comes to whether or not she wants to be with me, I think I have the best idea of that. A lot of you simply don't understand where we are at and what's happened (simply because there is way too much to explain). For example, I know she doesn't sleep around with other men because I am practically with her 24/7 (we have sleepcam every night). All I really wanted to know is about the grieving process. She says the reason she can't give me monogamy now is because of this grieving process she needs to go through. However, she says she has no intentions of sleeping with other men, and only wants to sleep with me. I was just wondering if this is something normal and something I just need to wait on. Link to post Share on other sites
Alice2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 She says the reason she can't give me monogamy now is because of this grieving process she needs to go through. However, she says she has no intentions of sleeping with other men, and only wants to sleep with me. This makes no sense. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted June 16, 2012 Author Share Posted June 16, 2012 John, your previous thread read like an obsessional disorder on both of your parts. This woman isn't who she is pretending to be. I'm afraid that if you don't back off and get a better grip on what is healthy and what is not, that you are going to fall apart if she dumps or disappears. Please get a professional opinion on this or a trusted family member or and older friend. How do you know she isn't who she is pretending to be? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted June 16, 2012 Author Share Posted June 16, 2012 Like I said though, I will update my story in another few months. Hopefully in another year, everything will turn out how I hope it to turn out. However if it doesn't, I'll come in here with advice on how to get over this. I fell pretty hard for this woman, and I lost my virginity to her. We talk about our two future children all the time. So yeah, I'd be broken for sure. However, I do have a lot going for me and I am starting to realize this. Right now, I'm not assuming she will be the love of my life. I am doing a lot of studying and working to build a future for my future wife (whoever she may be). I want to do great things for her (my future wife). Link to post Share on other sites
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted June 16, 2012 Author Share Posted June 16, 2012 Do great things for yourself John.........the rest will fall in place. Don't put all your eggs in one basket for this woman. You're right LadyGrey, I have been trying hard lately to concentrate on myself. I must say though, I'm pretty sure this experience has shaved a few years off of my life. I have gone through an incredible amount of continuous stress for over a year now. I know this really isn't healthy for me at all. I've noticed lately that I tend to write down my thoughts while I'm studying. I don't mean in a well organized manner, but little short statements that I usually scribble out right after writing them. I have cried many nights and I have had a lot of anxiety from this as well. What concerns me the most though is that I am very calm right now, but it wasn't but a few days ago that I was freaking out, having an anxiety attack. It was pretty bad a few days ago actually, I wasn't able to sleep for two straight days and could feel my heart racing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted June 16, 2012 Author Share Posted June 16, 2012 I think whenever I have an anxiety attack or am just stressed out over this because of some reason, one good thing for me to do is to put in my headphones and just listen to rave music. I noticed that it really helped me today actually. It really got me into the mood of being active (dancing, moving about, etc..). I was able to get a lot of work done. And most importantly, I wasn't anxious at all waiting on to get a text from her. Instead, she was waiting on me. Is it really true that the person who cares less holds the power of the relationship? I truly believe that I'm starting to convince myself that I'm actually out of her league. I really do have a lot going for me. These are things I think though to prepare myself for the worst. Once again though, thanks for the advice. And I will be back later with another update. Hopefully, it will be a good update . Link to post Share on other sites
Author JohnStuart2288 Posted June 16, 2012 Author Share Posted June 16, 2012 I hope you can soon realize that normal healthy love does not do this to you. The sooner you realize this the less grief you will invite into your life. It's a lesson I wish I had learned a lot sooner. Stop obsessing about her.......and if it will work out. It's not good and its not the way it is supposed to be. Love is kind, not cruel or designed to keep you in a hell of your own making. Open the bars of the prison you are in and free yourself. Always love yourself more than you love her. Balance is key. Understood. Link to post Share on other sites
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