What things should be talked about before living together?

[justhereintheworld]

I guess this is where to post

 

What things to talk about before living together- obviously finances, chores, where to live ...

[TaraMaiden]

...Whether you love each other enough to make room for them in your personal space, how you feel about snoring, watching tv in bed, using the toilet while the other is in the bathroom, tidiness, personal hygiene.....religion, having kids, having guests round, family.....

 

It's the seemingly unimportant trivia that can destroy a relationship....

Edited June 15, 2012 by TaraMaiden

[brokendreamz]

Meh! Just do it, you'll soon work out if you're compatable:lmao:

[pteromom]

I think the main thing to discuss is what living together "means". Is it a step toward marriage? If not, what's the plan for the future? If so, what is the desired timeline before discussing marriage?

 

If two people are on a different page about marriage, living together can cause problems.

[xxoo]

How you talk about stuff is more important than what you talk about, imo. As Tara points out, the list of possible conflicts is infinitely long, and it is really impossible to anticipate everything that will come up.

 

If you've had some conflicts, and were able to resolve them respectfully, creatively, and successfully, that should help no matter what comes up. If you have trouble resolving conflict respectfully (or either person avoids conflict), just don't move in together.

[GLDheart]

Meh! Just do it, you'll soon work out if you're compatable:lmao:

 

 

I agree.

 

It sounds like you've already made up your mind to live together. What's left to talk about?

[RiverRunning]

I think the main thing to discuss is what living together "means". Is it a step toward marriage? If not, what's the plan for the future? If so, what is the desired timeline before discussing marriage?

 

If two people are on a different page about marriage, living together can cause problems.

 

This. There are still a lot of men out there (and to be fair, some women too) who view living together as the end of the road, or at least as a way to put off marriage indefinitely. My ex did something similar to me: we agreed that within a year or so of living together, we would be engaged. That didn't happen, so I bailed. He led me on, making me think that he was serious. In reality, he wanted to procrastinate to the end of the earth without ever having to make a move.

 

Watch their behavior. If your boyfriend has a pattern of NEVER getting things done or letting things go unfinished for ages, I probably wouldn't move in with him with the expectation of getting married. If you do want to get married, I'd suggest a very strict deadline on how long to live together before you expect things to start moving.

 

Or take a look around - you'll be like some of the women here who have been dating the same guy for 5+ years, sometimes living with him just as long, with no indication that they will ever go further than living together.

 

But the list of things that can cause troubles in a relationship are infinite. My ex, it turns out, had HUGE issues with any kind of clutter in the house - to be specific, my clutter. He could leave his crap wherever he wanted for days or weeks at a time, but if I left my keys or some jewelry laying on a counter, it was WWIII when we first moved in together.

 

Until, sick of that treatment, I blew a gasket and bitched him out. I still don't regret that one. From that day forward, he NEVER made a big deal out of me leaving a few things out when, heh, he had chosen to strip the keys from our computer keyboard and leave the whole mess on our kitchen table for a week or two at a time.

 

No matter what, be ready to stand your ground. Really ask yourself after he does something that irritates you, "Is this worth bringing up? What will be the end result of bringing it up? Can I fix it in just a few seconds without any serious problems for my day?"

 

My ex had the mentality that I needed to be 'better' and he was trying to 'help' me every time he mentioned any little thing I had done wrong. In reality, his behavior was controlling, crushing and stifling. I felt like I had to be on guard for a pair of socks on the floor, a glass I left out, anything. Meanwhile, he would leave gobs of his hair in the drains, dirty socks and clothes on the floor, etc. Every time he called me out for something I had done, I had a list ready for him.

 

But I sure was glad when I told him off and none of that ever happened again. Unfortunately, talking calmly about an issue just doesn't work for some people.

 

Analyze what type of person he is before you move in. If he's a slob or a neat-freak now, he's not likely to change. If anything, those behaviors are more likely to intensify when you move in together. I'd say talk ahead of time about HOW you're going to solve differences.

 

Some people immediately have big, blow-up fights. For the most part, my ex and I were able to talk everything out calmly and come to a decision together (exception: see fight over obsessive cleanliness).

 

If you can figure out how to do that, I think you can figure out most issues. But important topics for me were:

 

kids (having them? No? How to raise them?)

Lifestyle choices (what about gay kids? When will we get married? etc.)

Bills

Chores

How to handle each other's family (this is an important one)

[KungFuJoe]

Agreed with those that said just do it. Don't over think a relationship. They aren't as hard as people say they are. My current relationship (10 years of marriage, 12 years together) other than my OCD/retroactive jealousy (which I've overcome) is the easiest thing I've ever done in my life.

[Art_Critic]

Which side of the bed is yours and which side is hers..